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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to re arrange or apologise - what would you do?

146 replies

Gudinne · 20/07/2021 07:59

I have arranged for my baby to be christened on the only day this year when that is likely to be possible. Choice of dates is restricted by limited availability at church and because the godfather
(who is my baby's uncle) lives abroad and covid travel restrictions apply.

I invited my parents to the christening and they declined saying they won't be coming as they are already babysitting my two children the night before and the christening is on my father's birthday. For context, the babysitting the night before had been arranged before the christening and is the first time this year I have asked my parents to babysit, they had seemed to be looking forward to it. My father does not usually do more to mark his birthday than perhaps have a pub dinner with my mum - not even always that. The christening is in the evening and will be over by 7pm, so dinner at 8pm would be very do able. Anyway, disappointing and a bit hurtful but crack on.

I spoke to my mother by video call and she repeated that she and my father would not be coming to the baptism. I confirm that I had received the text message to that effect and said I hoped that they had fun doing whatever it was they had planned. At this point my mother became a snarling animal screeching at me not to be "putting this on them. " I pointed out that I had wished them a good time and nothing more and bought the call to an end.

My sister has since called me to say that my parents are very unhappy about the date I have chosen for the christening and seem to think I should postpone until next year and get a nod from then before setting a date. My farther apparently said that he would not be coming to the church in any event, whenever I have the christening (he went to the christenings of his six preceeding grandchildren). Mum says she is terminally ill and the prognosis is that she will die this year, so if that is all correct then she would not be coming to the christening next year either. I think this is bat shit crazy behaviour and have told my sister I will not be cancelling the christening. She agrees that I shouldn't but wants me to get in touch with my parents and try to calm them and persuade them to come. Tbh I would rather not engage. What would you do?

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/07/2021 08:09

I dont think you can argue with crazy.

I'd maybe send a 'i love you, I'm sorry you feel like that and didn't mean to upset you and understand you will do what you think is best' message which doesnt actually apologise and leave it at that

Drivingmeupthewall · 20/07/2021 08:13

Is your mum actually terminally ill?

They sound quite irrational. Are you still going to have them babysit the night before?

It’s all a bit messy. But I think you should stick to your guns. I probably would cancel them babysitting though and find someone else.

Chikapu · 20/07/2021 08:15

They sound crazy and it's probably best not to engage with them at this point, however, I think a lot of this particular meltdown hinges on how you said this

I hoped that they had fun doing whatever it was they had planned

that could very easily be construed as a passive-aggressive dig at them.

Uramaki · 20/07/2021 08:16

Yeah I'd ask them if they want to cancel the babysitting. If they don't want to come to the christening that's up to them really. You probably should have run it past them before booking it on his birthday but I'm guessing it's important to you to get it done ASAP for religious reasons rather than wait a year.

Confusedandshaken · 20/07/2021 08:17

I agree with @DrinkFeckArseBrick. Don't get sucked into the drama. Text your parents a conciliatory message saying you understand their reasons for not attending and will miss them but will send lots of photos and celebrate with them another day. Copy your sister in too. Then carry on with your plans.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 20/07/2021 08:17

And why are you leaving your dc with these people?

LawnFever · 20/07/2021 08:18

Bizarre, are they usually this difficult?

I’d cancel them babysitting and find someone else to do it and leave the Christening as it is, none of this makes any sense.

Is your mum terminally ill? From the way you’ve written it I’m not sure? Could this be affecting her behaviour?

Uramaki · 20/07/2021 08:18

I agree with Chikapu, depending how you said that it could be seen as a little dig at them.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 20/07/2021 08:18

I think once they said they wouldn't come because of babysitting your kids the night before you'd have been better off saying something along the lines of "Oh dear, that's not good, shall we cancel the babysitting this time so you can come?"

BruceAndNosh · 20/07/2021 08:19

Get someone else to babysit...
A) it removes one of their (pathetic) excuses so they might come
B) it's highly likely that they will let you down

ivfgottwins · 20/07/2021 08:20

If the babysitting the night before is the difference between them coming or not call their bluff and cancel the babysitting? See if they then decide to come?

LongTimeMammaBear · 20/07/2021 08:21

Sounds like there is a lot more to the story that you may not know particularly as they’re babysitting (so willing to help out) and both have attended grandchildren christening before. The message as outline by Drink above sounds like a good message to help smooth things over. Particularly if your mother is terminally ill.

Spunout · 20/07/2021 08:21

I wouldn't be having these people babysitting.

HoliHormonalTigerlilly · 20/07/2021 08:22

Is your mother terminally ill?

ContessaVerde · 20/07/2021 08:22

Why wouldn’t your Father go into the church? Covid?
People are behaving differently post covid. Maybe the babysitting is a really big deal because they haven’t done it regularly.
Might be useful to see this in the context of what kind of pandemic they had...

30degreesandmeltinghere · 20/07/2021 08:22

Why would babysitting the night before be in any way relevant to an evening Christening the next night?? Surely df should be chuffed it's to be in his birthday? Not sure I would want my dc around them unsupervised..

Whatinthelord · 20/07/2021 08:22

Is your mum actually terminally ill? If not I would be absolutely disgusted with that lie. Probably having a break in contact for a while.

If she is ill is it possible their reaction is due to emotions around being ill? Recent diagnosis of terminal illness?

It seems like it’s all escalated quickly and beyond what it needed to.

If your parents are usually reasonable I’d give them the benefit of the doubt and leave it a few days before trying to have a calm chat.

If your parents often try to be controlling and throw their toys out the pram if things don’t go their way, I’d suggest lowering contact significantly. I certainly wouldn’t be using them for babysitting .

TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/07/2021 08:22

They are behaving very oddly. I would not change the date but I would cancel the babysitting - nominally to make it easier for them to attend, but actually because... I wouldn't want to leave small children with irrational people.

LimeRedBanana · 20/07/2021 08:23

You surely aren’t going to get them to babysit for you, are you?

Whatinthelord · 20/07/2021 08:23

Oh I also agree that your comment, depending on the tone, could have been interpreted as a passive aggressive dig.

Uramaki · 20/07/2021 08:24

If she is terminally ill then this is the last birthday she might spend with her husband so I'd be mindful of that

Notwavingbutdrowing3 · 20/07/2021 08:24

You can't reason with crazy

These are bizarre reasons

I'd just reply, "oh dear well they don't have to come if they don't want to , I'll respect their choices" to my siblings

But I'd also organise a different babysitter for the night before. Just because they're being nasty to you for some reason and I wouldn't want them 'leaking nasty' onto my DC

Geamhradh · 20/07/2021 08:26

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks

I think once they said they wouldn't come because of babysitting your kids the night before you'd have been better off saying something along the lines of "Oh dear, that's not good, shall we cancel the babysitting this time so you can come?"
Yep.
Uramaki · 20/07/2021 08:27

@30degreesandmeltinghere

Why would babysitting the night before be in any way relevant to an evening Christening the next night?? Surely df should be chuffed it's to be in his birthday? Not sure I would want my dc around them unsupervised..
If mum is terminally ill then she knows she has limited days left and maybe she wants to celebrate a normal birthday with DF.
Uramaki · 20/07/2021 08:28

And your dad might be angry at god/not believe any more since the diagnosis so not want to attend.