AIBU not to re arrange or apologise - what would you do?

[Gudinne]

I have arranged for my baby to be christened on the only day this year when that is likely to be possible. Choice of dates is restricted by limited availability at church and because the godfather
(who is my baby's uncle) lives abroad and covid travel restrictions apply.

I invited my parents to the christening and they declined saying they won't be coming as they are already babysitting my two children the night before and the christening is on my father's birthday. For context, the babysitting the night before had been arranged before the christening and is the first time this year I have asked my parents to babysit, they had seemed to be looking forward to it. My father does not usually do more to mark his birthday than perhaps have a pub dinner with my mum - not even always that. The christening is in the evening and will be over by 7pm, so dinner at 8pm would be very do able. Anyway, disappointing and a bit hurtful but crack on.

I spoke to my mother by video call and she repeated that she and my father would not be coming to the baptism. I confirm that I had received the text message to that effect and said I hoped that they had fun doing whatever it was they had planned. At this point my mother became a snarling animal screeching at me not to be "putting this on them. " I pointed out that I had wished them a good time and nothing more and bought the call to an end.

My sister has since called me to say that my parents are very unhappy about the date I have chosen for the christening and seem to think I should postpone until next year and get a nod from then before setting a date. My farther apparently said that he would not be coming to the church in any event, whenever I have the christening (he went to the christenings of his six preceeding grandchildren). Mum says she is terminally ill and the prognosis is that she will die this year, so if that is all correct then she would not be coming to the christening next year either. I think this is bat shit crazy behaviour and have told my sister I will not be cancelling the christening. She agrees that I shouldn't but wants me to get in touch with my parents and try to calm them and persuade them to come. Tbh I would rather not engage. What would you do?

Your family dynamics are weird...

YABU - either they’re aggressive and it’s not appropriate for them to be looking after your children, or you’re prone to dramatics and are exaggerating the situation.

Just a FYI that many COPD patients do not require oxygen (in fact it can be bad for them) and if they’re using steroids then they often gain weight on them. This is not to say your parents aren’t liars I’m just saying that people with COPD often look healthy when they’re not.

The snarling animal behaviour, teeth barred, spit flying, aggressive tone - that's the type of behaviour we grew up with from both my parents.

Seriously??!!!!

I would not want my children to be exposed to this.

I hope your child's christening turns out to be a lovely, maternal-grandparents-free occasion!

Fffs keep your dc away from them. Lying, secrets, frankly venomous imo... Don't expose your dc to them ever.

@FlowerArranger

The snarling animal behaviour, teeth barred, spit flying, aggressive tone - that's the type of behaviour we grew up with from both my parents.

Seriously??!!!!

I would not want my children to be exposed to this.

I hope your child's christening turns out to be a lovely, maternal-grandparents-free occasion!

Yep. My mum swung from vile temper to not speaking to us for days. No way would we ever have allowed her to babysit. Fortunately she lived 90 minutes from us and chose not to visit often, so our kids were never actually alone with her.

With your added context it really sounds like they like to play you and your siblings off against each other.

In the future I wouldn’t ask your siblings to be a go between. Any comment from them about keeping something from your siblings would be met with “no I am not keeping secrets for you”. Also it’s not their choice who looks after your child. I’d want to be clear on that and text them stating your sister is looking after your children than evening.

To be honest I wouldn’t want to accept any help in the form of baby sitting or anything else from people this manipulative.

The terminal prognosis is another issue. It’s either true or not but regardless it doesn’t mean they can use it as a way to manipulate you (one off behaviour as an email up all reaction is one thing but this sounds like ongoing behaviour from them).

Not sure how you approach the issue of the terminal Illness if you’re not sure it’s true. Other than to be clear that secrets will not be kept on their behalf.

In that case I would say, get another babysitter for the evening before, and let them decline to come to the baptism if that's what they want to do. Sometimes dates for things can't be moved or chosen. Even in our family, children's birthdays that land on a weekday get their proper party at the weekend when it's much more fun. So if a kid gets it, so can an adult.

It appears to me that there is some sort of triangulation going on and given it's gone on since your childhood it sounds like it's not connected to a recent diagnosis but rather a lifelong dysfunction.

The 5year prognosis has been taken literally by them and therefore maybe are expecting that this year IS the last - so doing a bucket list type of year for themselves and expecting that you children feel likewise - but you don't because there's no deterioration in your DM's condition.

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks

I think once they said they wouldn't come because of babysitting your kids the night before you'd have been better off saying something along the lines of "Oh dear, that's not good, shall we cancel the babysitting this time so you can come?"

This.

It sounds like you’re using them for babysitting and don’t really care about their feelings.

The simple solution would seem to be that they don't babysit the night before, they go out then for DF's birthday, then they come to the baptism the next day. I can't imagine my birthday ever trumping a grandchild's christening, unless it was a special birthday and we had longstanding plans to be away at that time.

there's got to be more to it than this. what's the back story?

Keep on greyrocking them and don't doubt yourself next time.

I think you've told us 5% of the whole story here. And of course 100% of that 5% is your side.

I actually think YABU. Very. And insensitive and self-absorbed and yes that might be because that's what you've learned growing up if your parents are as bad as you state but maybe it's time for a change. It's your dads birthday and your mum is poorly. COPD is serious, I know a guy who outwardly looks reasonably well who is currently on the waiting list for a lung transplant. He just hides away on his bad days.

Might have been nice to check the dates before booking and the uncle can only come over one day of a whole year? I call bullshit, sorry.

Emphysema is COPD - Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease. The latter label is the preferred one nowadays.

People can go on for a very long time with the disease if they take care and look after themselves, avoiding certain things. They are of course highly susceptible to infection. That could be one reason your parents are not keen to attend your baby's Christening. Yet they are prepared to babysit your children the night before and presumably they will either be returning the children to you or you will be picking them up, on the day. I can't work out their thinking.

Go ahead and have your child Christened on the planned date and try not to think any more about it. The important thing is the event, not who attends. Plenty of people have very low key celebrations even in non Covid times.

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Keep on greyrocking them and don't doubt yourself next time.

Hmm, though if you’re going to grey rock someone, don’t then use them for childcare…

Your parents are behaving like narcs and your sister behaving like a flying monkey so I agree with you about disengaging.

I don't know tbh. My parents don't do much for their birthdays except go out for lunch or dinner, but that's what they like doing and I certainly wouldn't book anything on those days and expect them to come. And the pair of them are exhausted after a night babysitting my boys and prefer to chill in peace rather than go out again. So I don't think your parents have done anything wrong there. I would have said to not worry about the babysitting and find someone else or postpone in that case.
In any event, if your mother is really the snarling animal you've described here, then, for the life of me, I don't understand why you would leave your children alone with her.

Tell your mother that you want to also celebrate your dad's birthday and arrange a cake. Maybe if he feels included you can make it a lovely double party and he will have family around to make it special. Your baby won't care and it would be a lovely memory.

@AmberIsACertainty

Your parents are behaving like narcs and your sister behaving like a flying monkey so I agree with you about disengaging.

yup!

I’m so sorry. Your parents are batshit,

Ignore their manipulative and cruel behaviour. Have the day you want

Why are you forcing a terminally ill woman to babysit for you?

@okeydokeywokeyblokey

Tell your mother that you want to also celebrate your dad's birthday and arrange a cake. Maybe if he feels included you can make it a lovely double party and he will have family around to make it special. Your baby won't care and it would be a lovely memory.

Please. Do these sound like the kind of people OP will ever have lovely memories with?!

I think it is a bit cheeky expecting them to babysit the night before. If your mother is terminally ill you are not showing much empathy.

Good update OP, you sound v sensible which can't be easy given how irrational your parents seem to be.

Stick to what works for you, you can't win with them.

Just cancel the baby sitting, re ask them to come and leave it at that. It’s up to them then. It’s being on the same day as your dads birthday is a no issue really