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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to re arrange or apologise - what would you do?

146 replies

Gudinne · 20/07/2021 07:59

I have arranged for my baby to be christened on the only day this year when that is likely to be possible. Choice of dates is restricted by limited availability at church and because the godfather
(who is my baby's uncle) lives abroad and covid travel restrictions apply.

I invited my parents to the christening and they declined saying they won't be coming as they are already babysitting my two children the night before and the christening is on my father's birthday. For context, the babysitting the night before had been arranged before the christening and is the first time this year I have asked my parents to babysit, they had seemed to be looking forward to it. My father does not usually do more to mark his birthday than perhaps have a pub dinner with my mum - not even always that. The christening is in the evening and will be over by 7pm, so dinner at 8pm would be very do able. Anyway, disappointing and a bit hurtful but crack on.

I spoke to my mother by video call and she repeated that she and my father would not be coming to the baptism. I confirm that I had received the text message to that effect and said I hoped that they had fun doing whatever it was they had planned. At this point my mother became a snarling animal screeching at me not to be "putting this on them. " I pointed out that I had wished them a good time and nothing more and bought the call to an end.

My sister has since called me to say that my parents are very unhappy about the date I have chosen for the christening and seem to think I should postpone until next year and get a nod from then before setting a date. My farther apparently said that he would not be coming to the church in any event, whenever I have the christening (he went to the christenings of his six preceeding grandchildren). Mum says she is terminally ill and the prognosis is that she will die this year, so if that is all correct then she would not be coming to the christening next year either. I think this is bat shit crazy behaviour and have told my sister I will not be cancelling the christening. She agrees that I shouldn't but wants me to get in touch with my parents and try to calm them and persuade them to come. Tbh I would rather not engage. What would you do?

OP posts:

PrincessNutella · 20/07/2021 13:56

Now wait--what is the deal with the godfather? Why can he only come that one Sunday? Does he live far away or something? Why is he so inflexible that he can only come one Sunday the entire year?

DPotter · 20/07/2021 13:57

PrincessNutella
1st para of OP - re uncle

Maggiesfarm · 20/07/2021 14:09

@PrincessNutella

Now wait--what is the deal with the godfather? Why can he only come that one Sunday? Does he live far away or something? Why is he so inflexible that he can only come one Sunday the entire year?

Op said he lives abroad, we all know how difficult foreign travel has been and I suppose he took the best available date, fitting in with his own work, etc.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 20/07/2021 14:15

Just to add that COPD is pretty much a terminal diagnosis. My dad has it, and we've been at the point more than once where we've been told to expect the worst, and that he'll be a DNR case. He's ok at the moment, you wouldn't really think there's anything wrong with him - he's even put on about two stone because of the steroids. But we all know that if he overdoes things, or gets a chest infection, that could be it for him.

Whatever your history with your family is - and it doesn't sound great - you sound pretty callous.

Ormally · 20/07/2021 14:18

Hm. Something very similar happened to me in a phone conversation with my DM. They had been due to come to stay (quite a long way) but because of unexpected flooding near me, I'd recommended not to travel but to delay by a day or 2, and then attempted to end the conversation with 'Have a nice evening'. Led to the snarling and a complete sea change from what had been said up to then.

It seemed to be all tied up in DM thinking I was prioritising others over their visit (not sure why exactly). If it's similar it seems to be the clash with your Dad's birthday, prioritising the godfather (maybe), and going with the arrangements that suit the church instead of trying to plan with choices in mind where your parents may have felt more involved. The insistence that the babysitting is their gig and not to be changed ties in with this too - 'we will see your DC even if we're mad at you' - but I'd try to get to the bottom of it in good faith and would also be wary about agreeing to this given the 'sides' that since seem to have sprung up around that arrangement.

It didn't really get better but it was the point at which I realised I did have to distance myself a bit.

QueeniesCroft · 20/07/2021 14:36

There is no happy ending here. Disengage and severely limit future contact.

Notaroadrunner · 20/07/2021 14:37

The only people required at a christening are the child, parents and godparents. Anyone who gets worked up about not being available on the date that suits parents and godparents need to cop on. It's not about them, it's about the child.

Go ahead with your planned date. If I were you given your childhood experiences with your parents, there's no way I'd allow them unsupervised access to my kids. In fact I'd be loathe to even continue a relationship with them myself. You need to reassess your relationship with them, putting yourself and your own family unit first.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/07/2021 14:37

Glad you've arranged alternative babysitting the night before.
They sound rather self absorbed and aggressive - and I wouldn't trust them to actually turn up for the babysitting now you're refusing to back down on the christening; or if they did, doing something that would otherwise jeopardise the christening going ahead the following day.

I'm always amazed at how selfish people can be over things like this - you know your father doesn't generally mark his birthday in a big way, so what is the big deal? The godfather being there is really quite important so obviously prioritising his attendance makes sense.

My DC's christening was somewhat marred by my father having a tantrum about something and stomping off home after the service, so we didn't get any group photos with him in it - I can't imagine what came over him to behave like that, he does have form but usually manages to contain it in a public arena. Not this time!

sasparilla1 · 20/07/2021 14:43

I'm glad you've arranged an alternative babysitter, I'd not ask them again tbh!

I think a text saying that you're sorry they're so upset, that wasn't your intention and that you hope they may rethink and attend the baptism. But I wouldn't apologise for the date or for the fact that they are no longer babysitting.

My mum has COPD, fairly advanced in the fact that she has an oxygen concentrator and has recently been in hospital - but she is most definitely making plans for next year - including my Dad's 80th in May. I know everyone is different, and it's a difficult condition to manage - maybe she's just incredibly scared about it. I know it scares me for my mum if I think about it too much.

Notaroadrunner · 20/07/2021 15:38

I think a text saying that you're sorry they're so upset, that wasn't your intention and that you hope they may rethink and attend the baptism

No, I wouldn't even bother with this. Let them sod off now after their tantrums.

me4real · 20/07/2021 17:19

Emphysema/COPD (I don't know how different they are) is pretty bad and does progress eventually.

Tinpotspectator · 21/07/2021 09:04

Copd is a modern term for emphysema. It also includes one or two conditions, must mostly emphysema. It is definitely life limiting, as in shortening.

Tinpotspectator · 21/07/2021 09:05

But mostly

Streamingbannersofdawn · 21/07/2021 09:28

I have no idea why people think you should consult your parents on a christening date...your father is an adult, he can celebrate his birthday the day before, the day after, next week. Honestly, even 4yr olds routinely wait for their parties.

Besides, he says he wont go whatever day it is so...

If your Mum has a terminal illness why would it be better to wait a year?

potniatheron · 21/07/2021 09:45

Sounds like your relationship with your parents has long been toxic and I empathise. I would leave arrangements as they are because trying to change them will probably only lead to further complication and toxicity. Let the babysitting and christening go ahead as planned. Make an extra fuss of your parents when you drop your child off for the babysitting as it's their version of the christening. Also offer a brief visit to theirs, or a Zoom call, post Christening do that they have the option to be a part of the day in some way.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 21/07/2021 10:11

@Tinpotspectator

Copd is a modern term for emphysema. It also includes one or two conditions, must mostly emphysema. It is definitely life limiting, as in shortening.

Chronic bronchitis. That's the one I've got. COPD is like you say, an umbrella dx

billy1966 · 21/07/2021 10:20

Your parents are nasty ugly people who drink to excess.

They should not be looking after your children.

Carry on with your plans and step away from the drama your parents drinking creates.

It sounds likeyou had a deeply dysfunctional childhood.

Don't humour them.

Ohhyeahright · 21/07/2021 10:26

Um yeah. Maybe keep your kids away from that

3luckystars · 21/07/2021 10:31

I would change the date. Go to a different church or ask a different priest. The date is just causing problems and it’s not worth it.

All the best.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/07/2021 10:39

@3luckystars

I would change the date. Go to a different church or ask a different priest. The date is just causing problems and it’s not worth it.

All the best.

And what about the godfather?!

inappropriateraspberry · 21/07/2021 10:47

To be honest, it sounds like you'd be better off without them at the christening. They shouldn't be babysitting your children if they can't be bothered to go to the christening. Agree they seem to play you all off each other. Don't get involved with the games and just enjoy the day with everyone else.
If they did come, I imagine they would make it pretty unbearable anyway.

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