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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to re arrange or apologise - what would you do?

146 replies

Gudinne · 20/07/2021 07:59

I have arranged for my baby to be christened on the only day this year when that is likely to be possible. Choice of dates is restricted by limited availability at church and because the godfather
(who is my baby's uncle) lives abroad and covid travel restrictions apply.

I invited my parents to the christening and they declined saying they won't be coming as they are already babysitting my two children the night before and the christening is on my father's birthday. For context, the babysitting the night before had been arranged before the christening and is the first time this year I have asked my parents to babysit, they had seemed to be looking forward to it. My father does not usually do more to mark his birthday than perhaps have a pub dinner with my mum - not even always that. The christening is in the evening and will be over by 7pm, so dinner at 8pm would be very do able. Anyway, disappointing and a bit hurtful but crack on.

I spoke to my mother by video call and she repeated that she and my father would not be coming to the baptism. I confirm that I had received the text message to that effect and said I hoped that they had fun doing whatever it was they had planned. At this point my mother became a snarling animal screeching at me not to be "putting this on them. " I pointed out that I had wished them a good time and nothing more and bought the call to an end.

My sister has since called me to say that my parents are very unhappy about the date I have chosen for the christening and seem to think I should postpone until next year and get a nod from then before setting a date. My farther apparently said that he would not be coming to the church in any event, whenever I have the christening (he went to the christenings of his six preceeding grandchildren). Mum says she is terminally ill and the prognosis is that she will die this year, so if that is all correct then she would not be coming to the christening next year either. I think this is bat shit crazy behaviour and have told my sister I will not be cancelling the christening. She agrees that I shouldn't but wants me to get in touch with my parents and try to calm them and persuade them to come. Tbh I would rather not engage. What would you do?

OP posts:

maddy68 · 20/07/2021 08:34

It sounds like she has planned something special for your dad's birthday if it's the last one she gets to spend with him .

Your text sounds fairly aggressive.

I would follow it up with.
You tried to get a different date but there is such a back log due to covid. You would love it if they were they but it's totally understandable if they are not as it is dad's birthday and you may have made nice plans.

Say you really appreciate their offer to babysit and in hindsight it's rather selfish of you on dad's birthday weekend. So please don't think they're obliged to still have them that night. There will be plenty of other occasions

If they can't make it. youll be sending them lots of photos so you won't feel you've missed out

AtillatheHun · 20/07/2021 08:35

Your terminally ill mother wants to spend the last of her husband’s birthdays that she will see with him. No, nothing unreasonable there.
If you want your parents there, pick another godfather or get him sworn in remotely - that is possible

messybun101 · 20/07/2021 08:36

@ivfgottwins

If the babysitting the night before is the difference between them coming or not call their bluff and cancel the babysitting? See if they then decide to come?

This

VanillaSpiceCandle · 20/07/2021 08:37

I think your mum overreacted if she was really a ‘snarling animal’ What did she actually say to make you say this? It’s very extreme.

However you should have at least consulted with them over the dates. Surely it’s come up in conversation a lot as someone is flying in etc. Either that or are they a different religion to you?

Don’t have them babysit the night before and try to get them involved with plans for the day and that might help them come round.

NCwhatsmynameagain · 20/07/2021 08:40

Was there really no other day to book the christening other than the day of your fathers birthday? Also the day after the babysitting? The timing is not ideal and does make it seem like you haven’t considered yoir parents at all in this, and considering they went to all the other christening they obviously would want to be at this one too. If the babysitting was a blocker you perhaps could’ve offered to reschedule this, it presumable isn’t as important as the christening.

I didn’t understand the terminally ill bit- is this the first you are hearing of this? If it’s true then I think you surely need to try to accommodate your parents as far as possible in attending?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 20/07/2021 08:40

They're still babysitting? You sure they won't let you down at the last minute? Or bitch at you about it?

AntiSocialDistancer · 20/07/2021 08:41

If your mum is terminally ill I think having the christening on your fathers birthday without checking with them is the issue. Important dates must become more important for them lately.

Surely there is another time or day at some point, maybe a different church?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 20/07/2021 08:49

If you have faith, then it's important to baptise your baby as soon as possible, isn't it? You know, ensuring their place with God and at the oversubscribed Faith School in due course ? And presumably they're already baptised and guaranteed their souls' safety, so would actually understand why it's so important to be baptised quickly?

If it's just a party and opportunity for presents and pretty dresses, rather than the essential first sacrament in the child's relationship with God, that's less important.

WeAllHaveWings · 20/07/2021 08:51

Your text does have a bit of passive aggressive about it.

Mum says she is terminally ill and the prognosis is that she will die this year, so if that is all correct then she would not be coming to the christening next year either.

😱 Either you know/think your mum is lying or you are incredibly self absorbed.

Rosebel · 20/07/2021 08:51

If your mum is terminally ill she might find babysitting and attending a christening a bit much in one weekend. Or if irs the last birthday she'll spend with your dad she might want to do something special or just be with him on their own.
Given it's your dad's birthday and your mum is ill I'd try and rearrange it (not for next year though) but totally up to you.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 20/07/2021 08:53

Very strange behaviour but your mother is ill so could that be the cause?

HoppingPavlova · 20/07/2021 08:55

A lot hinges on whether she is terminally ill? If so, surely wanting to spend the last birthday she will ever get with her DH is important to her and you could understand this. Trying to rob her if this because you have plonked a Christening on top of it is poor form. If she is not terminally ill then she is obviously doolally.

GCandproud · 20/07/2021 08:56

Seeing as you didn't say otherwise, I presume it's correct that your mum has a terminal diagnosis. She has been told that she will die this year and you are asking her to babysit your kids and bitching when she can't make a date that's important to her and your dad. Honestly, if my mum was terminally ill, I'd be doing my best to spend time with her, not moaning that she can't come to my events and not asking her to babysit so that I could have an evening out. Either I am missing something or you sound very self-absorbed and callous.

LivingLaVidaCovid · 20/07/2021 08:56

I can't tell who is bananas here.

Is your mum actually terminally ill???
Or a fantasist liar?

The way you threw it in there was pretty cold unless its made up

SuckItUpDave · 20/07/2021 08:58

@maddy68

It sounds like she has planned something special for your dad's birthday if it's the last one she gets to spend with him .

Your text sounds fairly aggressive.

If they can't make it. youll be sending them lots of photos so you won't feel you've missed out

I think this is the kindest response under the circumstances you have described

LemonTT · 20/07/2021 08:59

The conversation you had with sounds a bit disingenuous. You were behaving as though this was normal and all ok. It’s not and you know it and they know it.

I think rather than play the game back at them you should have engaged them in a discussion about why they feel they can’t come.

They have a bee in their bonnet about something. It doesn’t mean you should change you plans but it might shed some light on things for you.

Don’t fall into the trap of out playing people who play games. The gamesmanship will never end. Hence your sister now being deployed.

ChicChaos · 20/07/2021 09:04

It comes across to me as you prioritising your Uncle (the one travelling from abroad) over your parents and if it really is the last birthday your mother will spend with her husband then I can see their point.

Surprised that the church has limited availability, IME there is a service every month for baptisms.

TheUndoingProject · 20/07/2021 09:06

You sound pretty cold about your mother’s terminal illness…

dancinfeet · 20/07/2021 09:08

Have (tentatively) put YABU. Your mum is terminally ill, and it's your dad's birthday- maybe they wanted to do something really special together if it will likely be the last one they celebrate together? Also, if they are babysitting the night before, maybe your mum will find it too much / too exhausting to attend an event the following evening. I've no idea how old your kids are or how much hard work they are, are they of an age to sleep fully through the night? Even if not, small kids can be exhausting, never mind throwing a terminal illness into the mix!!
Obviously, if your mum is not terminally ill then they are just on the wrong side of batshit for saying this, but I cannot fathom asking a terminally ill parent to do this, that and the other, (maybe because both of my parents died before and just after my eldest was born).

ApolloandDaphne · 20/07/2021 09:08

Is she actually terminally ill? You seem a little distant from your DP yet you have asked them to babysit. I am not sure what dynamics are going on here.

warmandtoasty2day · 20/07/2021 09:17

did you know about your mum or is this a batshit lie to guilt trip you?

Abouttimemum · 20/07/2021 09:20

Is your mother terminally ill? If so I’d be prioritising my parents over any christening or uncle travelling from abroad. Particularly if it’s their last birthday together.
You seem fairly cold and distant from them anyway so it’s hard to tell from your post?

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 20/07/2021 09:20

The way you write is very strange. I suspect there's a lot of dysfunction here on all sides.

Abouttimemum · 20/07/2021 09:20

Also the passive aggressive I hope you have fun would have got my back right up tbh.

pinkyredrose · 20/07/2021 09:20

You seem more concerned with the christening than the fact your mother is terminally ill.

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