AIBU not to re arrange or apologise - what would you do?

[Gudinne]

I have arranged for my baby to be christened on the only day this year when that is likely to be possible. Choice of dates is restricted by limited availability at church and because the godfather
(who is my baby's uncle) lives abroad and covid travel restrictions apply.

I invited my parents to the christening and they declined saying they won't be coming as they are already babysitting my two children the night before and the christening is on my father's birthday. For context, the babysitting the night before had been arranged before the christening and is the first time this year I have asked my parents to babysit, they had seemed to be looking forward to it. My father does not usually do more to mark his birthday than perhaps have a pub dinner with my mum - not even always that. The christening is in the evening and will be over by 7pm, so dinner at 8pm would be very do able. Anyway, disappointing and a bit hurtful but crack on.

I spoke to my mother by video call and she repeated that she and my father would not be coming to the baptism. I confirm that I had received the text message to that effect and said I hoped that they had fun doing whatever it was they had planned. At this point my mother became a snarling animal screeching at me not to be "putting this on them. " I pointed out that I had wished them a good time and nothing more and bought the call to an end.

My sister has since called me to say that my parents are very unhappy about the date I have chosen for the christening and seem to think I should postpone until next year and get a nod from then before setting a date. My farther apparently said that he would not be coming to the church in any event, whenever I have the christening (he went to the christenings of his six preceeding grandchildren). Mum says she is terminally ill and the prognosis is that she will die this year, so if that is all correct then she would not be coming to the christening next year either. I think this is bat shit crazy behaviour and have told my sister I will not be cancelling the christening. She agrees that I shouldn't but wants me to get in touch with my parents and try to calm them and persuade them to come. Tbh I would rather not engage. What would you do?

You should have consulted your parents on dates. Presumably if you’d run it by them first they’d have pointed out they were it’s your dads birthday and they are babysitting the night before.

By not even running it past them first you are basically saying to them that a) uncle/godfather is more important than them (because he was considered when choosing a date but your parents were not), b) your dads birthday and any plans they might have had doesn’t matter and c) you don’t care about if they will be tired from babysitting then night before before a big afternoon/day out.

I’d be pretty annoyed with your thoughtlessness too. And that’s not even taking into account that your mum is terminally unwell.

Then saying “I hope you have fun doing whatever it is planned” is very passive aggressive. It’s your dads birthday - they might not be having a mega party but it’s his special day and might be the last one he has with his wife (and your mother!)

YABVU!

Apologise and postpone. Either to next year or a date that suits your parents sooner with godfather attending by video.

Wait! Your mum is terminally ill?

As in prognosis is not good, already talking about palliative care?

Or terminally ill and might not be here in 5 years time?

This key detail is really important.

Depends whether it is a pattern of behaviour or not.
Is your mum terminally ill?
If a pattern I’d ignore and carry on as planned.
If an unusual occurrence that is out of character I’d do as someone suggested above and offer to cancel the babysitting to make it look like I was taking steps to compromise.

I really admire the way you have handled this with your parents, calm but not budging. Carry on as you are . x

Is it related to babysitting the night before? That seems very strange
I would cancel the babysitting & see what happens - if they still won't go I guess you have a bigger problem!

@fluffi

You should have consulted your parents on dates. Presumably if you’d run it by them first they’d have pointed out they were it’s your dads birthday and they are babysitting the night before.

By not even running it past them first you are basically saying to them that a) uncle/godfather is more important than them (because he was considered when choosing a date but your parents were not), b) your dads birthday and any plans they might have had doesn’t matter and c) you don’t care about if they will be tired from babysitting then night before before a big afternoon/day out.

I’d be pretty annoyed with your thoughtlessness too. And that’s not even taking into account that your mum is terminally unwell.

Then saying “I hope you have fun doing whatever it is planned” is very passive aggressive. It’s your dads birthday - they might not be having a mega party but it’s his special day and might be the last one he has with his wife (and your mother!)

YABVU!

Apologise and postpone. Either to next year or a date that suits your parents sooner with godfather attending by video.

Please ignore this clearly wrong person. Your father has had over 70 birthdays, your child will only have ONE christening, they should work around that, you should not work around their schedule for YOUR event.

Jesus the entitlement is strong.

I’d cancel the babysitting, but go ahead with the baptism as planned.

A lot of churches don’t look favourably on dc being baptised really late (so if you waited for a year) and if you want to engage with them in future it’s as well to do it while your dc is a baby. Not commenting on whether it’s right or not for churches to behave like this, just if you want to go down that route of raising them in a religion.

I would probably cancel the babysitting but yes this is odd. I get that some people have major plans for their birthday but it doesn’t sound like the case here.

Honestly they are going to sound so petty if they try and moan about it.

@GCandproud

Seeing as you didn't say otherwise, I presume it's correct that your mum has a terminal diagnosis. She has been told that she will die this year and you are asking her to babysit your kids and bitching when she can't make a date that's important to her and your dad. Honestly, if my mum was terminally ill, I'd be doing my best to spend time with her, not moaning that she can't come to my events and not asking her to babysit so that I could have an evening out. Either I am missing something or you sound very self-absorbed and callous.

Totally agree. OP you sound extremely self-centred.

I also don't get the babysitting - you say you asked them way before the christening. But you knew when you booked the christening then that they were babysitting the night before. And that it was your dads birthday. And that your mum is terminally ill. It is a bit off them saying they won't come, but why dont you cancel the babysitting then?

I think Op needs to clarify a few things.
Is your DM terminally ill?

Its not unusual in toxic / controlling relationships for this type of thing or suicide threats to be thrown about to guilt trip.

There's clearly a massive backstory here OP and without it, I don't think anyone can really say whether YABU or not.

"I hope you have fun" was massively passive aggressive and you know that, and the way you speak about your mother's terminal illness either proves there's a backstory, or proves you're a very heartless woman.

More info needed.

It's very weird.

My parents normally thank me for allowing them to have my kids when they go to stay or when they come over here to babysit. They really love spending time with them. This is after I have thanked them.

Why can't they do a christening after having them the night before ? I'd make a back up plan for the night out if I were you.

@WorraLiberty

There's clearly a massive backstory here OP and without it, I don't think anyone can really say whether YABU or not.

"I hope you have fun" was massively passive aggressive and you know that, and the way you speak about your mother's terminal illness either proves there's a backstory, or proves you're a very heartless woman.

More info needed.

This, very odd op from the op,

If it's not the religion they are objecting to,as you say they have been to the others,then can you cancel the babysitt ing there night before so they can go to the christening?ing
I think your comment was the wrong one to make being passive aggressive.
Visit your parents and sort this out.🌈

op so many questions need clarity as some pp do not appear to be reading the full thread.

It's bizarre that you don't seem to know whether your mum is actually terminally ill, which is obviously an enormous deal. This suggests that you don't believe/trust her? Which then presents the question of why you are leaving your children in her care, if she's the type of person who is awful enough to fake a terminal illness? I can't think of any other situation in which you would say "Mum says she's terminally ill" so flippantly, which is a really horrible thing to say, if she actually is.

If she IS terminally ill, then yes, you should rearrange. Of course your mother wants to spend what could be the last birthday with her husband that she gets, with her husband, celebrating his birthday. If she IS terminally ill, then it seems really thoughtless that you didn't think of this by yourself. If she IS terminally ill, your parents are obviously really hurt and upset by your attitude. Everything depends on whether she actually IS terminally ill - you have been really cold, verging on cruel, if so. Not taking into account your dad's last birthday with his wife, and then being sarcastic/passive aggressive when they told you they can't go.

So yeah. Either she's not terminally ill and is a liar, in which case don't leave your kids with someone so unhinged!? Or she's telling the truth and you need to be seriously more compassionate and thoughtful.

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

The way you write is very strange. I suspect there's a lot of dysfunction here on all sides.

Yep.

To not consult with the child's Grandparents when booking a date for the Christening is really odd. And that passive-aggressive line and the cold way the terminal illness was brought in, is strange.

I haven't figured out what babysitting the night before has to do with anything. ?? Is that their objection? Did you realise that would cause a problem? It seems odd to me that it would.

If so, YABU not to have found another babysitter. That was an easy fix that would have let them attend.

Unless you don't actually care if they attend, in which case, no harm done.

You will need to find another babysitter now anyway.

all seems suspect imo tbh

Ops dad may have had several birthdays but it sounds like it could be the last one with his wife alive.
I'd say that matters more than a christening that could be delayed and certainly more than babysitting.

@WorraLiberty

There's clearly a massive backstory here OP and without it, I don't think anyone can really say whether YABU or not.

"I hope you have fun" was massively passive aggressive and you know that, and the way you speak about your mother's terminal illness either proves there's a backstory, or proves you're a very heartless woman.

More info needed.

This. I think I would find it impossible to make a call here either way.

@HoliHormonalTigerlilly

Is your mother terminally ill?

This is the most important thing in your post and yet it's thrown in like a little aside, an irrelevance. I wouldn't consider it that at all.

Thanks for all of the responses, they are really helpful. First question is mum terminally ill? Parents said she had a diagnosis of emphysema with a five year prognosis in 2016. Told siblings separately and asked us not to tell each other. We did. Have since rode back to say not emphysema but Copd. No weight loss, no oxygen tank, no requirement to shield during pandemic. The snarling animal behaviour, teeth barred, spit flying, aggressive tone - that's the type of behaviour we grew up with from both my parents. Have left them overnight with parents before, have discussed risks with my sister who thinks all okay as long as they don't drink alcohol, which they don't when in charge of very young kids. I have arranged a different babysitter for night before the christening. I asked my sister if she would step in but she says our parents told her to and said they would be babysitting that night it was all arranged, they were looking forward to it and in no circumstances was she to do it. They have not (yet) told anybody else not to go to the christening as far as I am aware. My sister says she has explained to them that we couldn't get any other dates this year for the christening that could accommodate physical attendance by the chosen godfather/ uncle unless he attended remotely. The slot we have got isn't at our usual church. Parents have not discussed with me, just sent text message to decline invitation and then mum's snarling shouting when I phoned. Will probably message parents along lines suggested by Maddy68.

Did you not think to discuss the situation with the only available Christening date being your father's birthday? It's not great to just assume what people are doing and that it will fit with your plans, it's always best to actually communicate and check

I don't get it - if they are so horrible and you refer to the way you were brought up WHY would you want them there at the christening ? Surround yourself with positive people .