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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to re arrange or apologise - what would you do?

146 replies

Gudinne · 20/07/2021 07:59

I have arranged for my baby to be christened on the only day this year when that is likely to be possible. Choice of dates is restricted by limited availability at church and because the godfather
(who is my baby's uncle) lives abroad and covid travel restrictions apply.

I invited my parents to the christening and they declined saying they won't be coming as they are already babysitting my two children the night before and the christening is on my father's birthday. For context, the babysitting the night before had been arranged before the christening and is the first time this year I have asked my parents to babysit, they had seemed to be looking forward to it. My father does not usually do more to mark his birthday than perhaps have a pub dinner with my mum - not even always that. The christening is in the evening and will be over by 7pm, so dinner at 8pm would be very do able. Anyway, disappointing and a bit hurtful but crack on.

I spoke to my mother by video call and she repeated that she and my father would not be coming to the baptism. I confirm that I had received the text message to that effect and said I hoped that they had fun doing whatever it was they had planned. At this point my mother became a snarling animal screeching at me not to be "putting this on them. " I pointed out that I had wished them a good time and nothing more and bought the call to an end.

My sister has since called me to say that my parents are very unhappy about the date I have chosen for the christening and seem to think I should postpone until next year and get a nod from then before setting a date. My farther apparently said that he would not be coming to the church in any event, whenever I have the christening (he went to the christenings of his six preceeding grandchildren). Mum says she is terminally ill and the prognosis is that she will die this year, so if that is all correct then she would not be coming to the christening next year either. I think this is bat shit crazy behaviour and have told my sister I will not be cancelling the christening. She agrees that I shouldn't but wants me to get in touch with my parents and try to calm them and persuade them to come. Tbh I would rather not engage. What would you do?

OP posts:
Bogofftosomewherehot · 20/07/2021 11:27

@AntiSocialDistancer

If your mum is terminally ill I think having the christening on your fathers birthday without checking with them is the issue. Important dates must become more important for them lately.

Surely there is another time or day at some point, maybe a different church?

I was thinking the same. Is she terminally ill?
Howshouldibehave · 20/07/2021 11:30

Fine-disengage all you like, moan about what awful people you clearly think they are.

But don’t then use them for childcare!

Regularsizedrudy · 20/07/2021 11:42

If your parents are as absolutely batshit as you have described then yabu to leave your kids with them..

NewlyGranny · 20/07/2021 11:44

Never engage with batshittery. You will inevitably end up being scapegoated when the dust settles.

People who enjoy being coaxed and stroked into accepting invitations and hold the prospect of refusal over the heads of people who love them are being controlling and manipulative.

MiL tried to recruit me into a campaign of persuasion to coax FiL into attending my wedding with their son. I was baffled and just told her we would be getting married with or without him, so it was up to him whether he came or not, but he wasn't doing me any big favour by coming.

It was how he rolled with everything, and one of my DC showed the same tendencies, but it got trained out of her by the time she was an early teen.

I see this sort of thing as an invitation to a lengthy and uncomfortable "dance" where the other person knows the steps. It has to be declined!

Your instinct to tell everyone that they are at liberty to accept or refuse is sound and protects your mental health.

Derbee · 20/07/2021 11:48

No point arguing with crazy. Get a different babysitter, so that you’re not relying on them for anything.

I’d be tempted to text and say “I’ve got a new babysitter, so don’t worry. May as well have the christening as planned, as dad won’t go into a church and apparently you’ll be dead by next year, so there’s not much point in postponing”

Your mum telling your sister that she’s terminally ill is appalling. She’s either a manipulative liar, or she’s massively inappropriate to not share news like that in a controlled manner. She sounds like too hard work to bother

mynameisbrian · 20/07/2021 11:54

Your mother has a chronic illness she is not currently terminally ill. People can live with COPD/Emphysema for years. My father died of it but his decline was over 18mths and was horrendous. Sounds like your mother is actually currently fine and has no declining symptoms. She is using her diagnosis as an excuse to be an arse. I wouldnt be playing her games, as for letting her baby sit your DC but refusing to attend the baptism is bizarre. Even more bizarre that she suggest you postpone it by a year but is telling you all she will be dead soon. She is emotionally abusive

fluffi · 20/07/2021 11:55

@ArthurBloom

“Clearly wrong person” Hmm

Birthdays are fixed dates, doesn’t matter if 20 or 70. Christenings are a one-off but can be held anytime, so would check with everyone I wanted to attend beforehand. OP didn’t check with her parents and now they are upset, if she’d checked and then explained about the uncle the entire thing could have been avoided.

TimeForTeaAndG · 20/07/2021 12:04

For all the folk on here who usually claim that birthdays for adults are an indulgence there's certainly a lot of sympathy for OPs father having to prioritise his grandchild over his birthday.

FunMcCool · 20/07/2021 12:17

Are they ussually like this? If yes, ignore and carry on. If no, I’d be concerned as to what is making them behave in this way. It’s not reasonable at all.

Ardardach · 20/07/2021 12:21

I don't really understand this story. Is there more to it? It seems like you don't believe that your mum is terminally ill?

If your mum is terminally ill, then perhaps she wants to spend the time with her husband as it could be the last birthday they have together? Is there a reason why your dad doesn't want to go to the church? Could they be worried about Covid? If your mum is terminally ill, maybe her husband doesn't want her going to a crowded church in case she catches Covid and dies? That seems perfectly reasonable to me. I know I wouldn't want my terminally ill partner in a crowded church right now.

SomeNameorOther · 20/07/2021 12:22

So, 5 years ago your mum was given 5 years. You know, my mum had a series of major heart attacks, was about to have open heart surgery yada yada yada. The Medics said she could pop her clogs any time. She lived another 20+ years, and died of something completely unrelated. Her heart condition did affect her life, yes of course it did, but it was mainly the tablets she took to deal with her heart, and the tablets she took to deal with the side effects of the tablets she took to deal with her heart and the tablets she took ..... etc. She also had emphysema, but that didn't kill her either! Indomitable she was ♥️

Anyway, your mum. Her 5 years are up and yet, and yet. She could just as easily go on another 20. Even medics can't tell the future and the human body is an unbelievably AMAZING thing.

I wouldn't be relaxed about her babysitting though. I'm sorry your parents were like that, I'm sorry that you had to grow up with a mum who did that, you all deserved better, kinder, more cherishing. Cherish your own children, they deserve it as much as you did and that is something you can do.

NCwhatsmynameagain · 20/07/2021 12:25

Having read the update, without knowing more about your relationship with your parents I still think YABU. As PP have stated it’s very plausible that your mother has COPD and you are showing very little empathy. You have prioritised a date that worked for the godparent disregarding that it was your father’s birthday, and that it may be extra poignant your mum’s prognosis. You definitely could’ve got another date from a church. And on top of this was the babysitting the night before which was again inconsiderate timing.
Maybe your parents are complete arseholes, thus the lack of consideration, but if so then don’t use them for childcare. If not, then I can understand why they may feel aggrieved by your actions.

Ardardach · 20/07/2021 12:38

I also just read your update, and I also think YABU. Whether your mum lives for another 20 years or another few months, she might feel like every moment could be her last. My husband has a condition like this, and we don't know if he will live for years or not - it's a horrible way to live, and it makes you treasure every moment. I think it was insensitive to just book the christening without consulting with them. I know if it were my husband, I would want to spend his birthday together, and I would be angry at being expected to drop everything without being consulted first. Perhaps if you had asked first, they might have been more willing.

I also know I do not want my husband to be out and about in churches and other public places right now. We see family, which we deem a necessary risk for the people we love, but we do not mix at the moment. Given the situation in England with the lifting of restrictions and the severity of your mum's condition, I think you are being a little selfish to expect her to go to a church and for your parents to be okay with that. It is dangerous for her with Covid. Even if she doesn't mind, perhaps her husband does, and I do think you need to respect that.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 20/07/2021 12:40

I'm not sure some have followed the order the events in the OP happened!

And I am absolutely certain that many of you don't have 'difficult' parents.

OP, crack on. You know your family dynamics. All you really have to decide is at what point do you make the complete decision not to care what they do! Stop using them for childcare, stop initiating contact. Your kids won't miss them. Your life will be less 2 snarling selfish people who have trained you to accept their behaviour - having your own kids tends to start the detraining, you may be experiencing that!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 20/07/2021 12:42

Given the situation in England with the lifting of restrictions and the severity of your mum's condition, I think you are being a little selfish to expect her to go to a church and for your parents to be okay with that. It is dangerous for her with Covid. Even if she doesn't mind, perhaps her husband does, and I do think you need to respect that. What thread are you replying to @Ardardach?

In this one the OP has already explained that she was happy to accpeept their decision not to attend the church and wished them a happy day out.

Jerima · 20/07/2021 13:00

If they do come, they would just ruin it anyway cancel the babysitting now and forever and let them get on with it

SchmeatWave21 · 20/07/2021 13:07

This reply has been deleted

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QueenBee52 · 20/07/2021 13:14

YANBU

Your Parents sound unhinged controlling passive aggressive and very manipulative.

You did the right thing wishing them well and carrying in regardless.

Good luck with the Christening 🌸

Polkadots2021 · 20/07/2021 13:23

@Gudinne

I have arranged for my baby to be christened on the only day this year when that is likely to be possible. Choice of dates is restricted by limited availability at church and because the godfather (who is my baby's uncle) lives abroad and covid travel restrictions apply.

I invited my parents to the christening and they declined saying they won't be coming as they are already babysitting my two children the night before and the christening is on my father's birthday. For context, the babysitting the night before had been arranged before the christening and is the first time this year I have asked my parents to babysit, they had seemed to be looking forward to it. My father does not usually do more to mark his birthday than perhaps have a pub dinner with my mum - not even always that. The christening is in the evening and will be over by 7pm, so dinner at 8pm would be very do able. Anyway, disappointing and a bit hurtful but crack on.

I spoke to my mother by video call and she repeated that she and my father would not be coming to the baptism. I confirm that I had received the text message to that effect and said I hoped that they had fun doing whatever it was they had planned. At this point my mother became a snarling animal screeching at me not to be "putting this on them. " I pointed out that I had wished them a good time and nothing more and bought the call to an end.

My sister has since called me to say that my parents are very unhappy about the date I have chosen for the christening and seem to think I should postpone until next year and get a nod from then before setting a date. My farther apparently said that he would not be coming to the church in any event, whenever I have the christening (he went to the christenings of his six preceeding grandchildren). Mum says she is terminally ill and the prognosis is that she will die this year, so if that is all correct then she would not be coming to the christening next year either. I think this is bat shit crazy behaviour and have told my sister I will not be cancelling the christening. She agrees that I shouldn't but wants me to get in touch with my parents and try to calm them and persuade them to come. Tbh I would rather not engage. What would you do?

You know and I know, and I think we all know from this post, that your family is absolutely batshit crazy. It wouldn't be such a bad idea to stop contact entirely. I base this on the assumption that you've treated you like this your entire life, not just this one time.
Polkadots2021 · 20/07/2021 13:23

*they've

IntermittentParps · 20/07/2021 13:25

They sound like loons. The only bit I'm Hmm about is that you let them look after your kids.

Gilda152 · 20/07/2021 13:38

@SchmeatWave21 You're bang on correct. But it entirely prejudices people's responses doesn't it. That being said - we are on MN after all so this is right on par

Wantaweekinthesun · 20/07/2021 13:43

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Given the situation in England with the lifting of restrictions and the severity of your mum's condition, I think you are being a little selfish to expect her to go to a church and for your parents to be okay with that. It is dangerous for her with Covid. Even if she doesn't mind, perhaps her husband does, and I do think you need to respect that. What thread are you replying to *@Ardardach*?

In this one the OP has already explained that she was happy to accpeept their decision not to attend the church and wished them a happy day out.

Except, she's not happy, though, is she? Her response was quite passive-aggressive, and she wouldn't be posting on here if she was happy to accept their decision.
ScrollingLeaves · 20/07/2021 13:47

I would not apologise but try to engage by pointing out how they could come and you could all do something afterwards for the birthday and christening.

Could you rearrange the baby sitting the night before (by getting someone else) if that is the problem?

RadandMad · 20/07/2021 13:49

Parental narcissistic rage alert. Hold your ground. Normal parents do NOT behave like this.