1 sibling just given a house

[canary1]

My parents have two houses, one they live in, one has sat empty for many years. The empty house was inherited. I’ve just been told third hand that one of my siblings is to be given it, is moving into it, and in addition, is being financially assisted by my parents to do the work that needs doing to it. It will be her house.
Some may say I’m merely jealous, but of course I’m jealous that one sibling has been this on a plate, while the rest of us work hard to achieve far less.
I also feel it confirms my parents’ hurtful and now blatantly obvious bias towards her.
AIBU to feel hurt and upset by this news?

@Lemonmelonsun

I've got a potential similar situation coming in that one of dc seems steady, sensible, will wait for ten cookies rather than eat one right now. Other dd is totally opposite and struggles at school I'm already worried for her future and dh and I are not rich. How can we support both equally if one is able for instance to buy a house but the other can't?

Well tbh, you don't owe them houses. Plenty of people are unable to buy houses and rent indefinitely. It's quite a new concept I think for parents to believe it's their own job to get their kids onto the property ladder. I mean sure, do it if you can easily manage it. But it isn't something you'd be remiss for not providing.

I'm so sorry that this has happened. This happened to me too - my brother was bought a 3 bedroom house outright along with financial help for furnishings etc and I only found out because my brother decided to tell me one day when drunk (out of spite). My parents first got angry with me for questioning them about it, so I instead distanced myself from them. At the time I was angry about it, as well as upset as it also confirmed my suspicions that he was the favourite and always had been.

I am now secure that I will never do the same to my children and have moved abroad. Having more money has made the pill easier to swallow, but it does hurt that they don't seem to particularly care. It has, however, made emigrating an easier decision so there is always a silver lining!

I suspect, though, that you'll have to wait until your DPs go to god, then challenge the will.

You can't do this unless you can show that the parents didn't have mental capacity. If you're an independent adult who doesn't like how your parents left their own money and property, it's tough shit. I suspect though that they have made provision for the OP in their will and the OP has borrowed money from them before as have other siblings (so it's hardly like they haven't helped her either).

What's your goal here OP?

Are you hoping that if you kick up enough fuss they'll change their minds, sell it and distribute the money to the four of you equally?

It's their house, their decision. Have a think here about your end goal. What do you realistically WANT from this situation, and what do you think is reasonably possible to achieve?

They needn’t have helped any of us of course. But how they helped is quite different depending on which sibling. Of course I’m grateful they helped with first deposit which they got back by equity release about 3 years later.

Just noted that they asked for this from myself, one sister, and not my brother or my sister who is getting this house.

@Lemonmelonsun

I've got a potential similar situation coming in that one of dc seems steady, sensible, will wait for ten cookies rather than eat one right now. Other dd is totally opposite and struggles at school I'm already worried for her future and dh and I are not rich. How can we support both equally if one is able for instance to buy a house but the other can't?

I don’t think fixing one child more helps in this kind of instance anyway.

This is similar to my husband and his sister. My husband saved and his sister spends on ridiculous stuff and then pleads poverty. For years DH parents helped out paying part of her rent when she had a baby (she’s a teacher for context), let her live with them for a while, bought her kids clothes when she hinted they needed them etc etc etc. No of this helped her manage her finances better in fact I am sure it made her worse because she always relied on them being there to prop her up if she over spent elsewhere (and I am talking buying the kids an iPad each then not being able to pay rent type behaviour).

However my DH never asked for anything and rarely received anything.

Eventually my in-laws stopped helping her as my FIL was getting frustrated. She had some tough times financially and they found it hard not to proper her up when she hinted and asked. Over the last 3 years she’s got herself in a much better place and is being much more sensible. They’ve just helped her get a mortgage and are happier giving a one off boost to help her get a properly now she is being more sensible with her money and not relying on them.

When we asked them for help with a mortgage (not giving money but a mortgage linked to them having an account with savings for a period of time) they said yes instantly and we’re happy to do so. Knowing that we don’t ask or waste ones.

So my long rant is basically saying that. Giving the child that would take the one cookie straight away more cookies wouldn’t help them in the long run anyway. Best to work at developing their skills in waiting for the 10 cookies 😂

Just ask.
They dont live here. Will your sibling be expected or is doing all the looking after and providing them with company?
Why was it left empty? Does it have huge sentimental value to your parents? Is that the reason?
I mean there are many scenarios. Everyone else married and has a secure home? Things should be settled fairly but that does not mean everything has to be divided by 4 at this precise moment.

Maybr they feel sorry for her as she's single, childless, and sounds like her life isn't that exciting if she's following them around on their holidays? Not saying they should feel sorry for her, but traditional people of a certain age would view being single and childless at this age as a bit disappointing?

@AlfonsoTheMango

I can see both sides to this.
The house, sister and parents are all in a different country. The other siblings are also in this other country but are settled with their own families and by the sound of it both sons. The sister who is getting the house is unmarried with no children and spends a lot of time with the parents so probably does a lot of unseen care for the parents as it is usually the daughters not the sons who take on the caring role. You say the sister is in her 40s so your parents must be somewhere in their later 60s or older so they probably rely on your sister for alot of informal care.
You feel upset as she is getting the house now but you say you have had help in the past even if repaid you still got the help when you needed it which allowed you to buy and build equity in your own home.
You live in a different country so you are never going to be in a position to live in the house. Maybe your parents don’t want to sell it as it is a inheritance from a loved one and want it to stay in the family.
Maybe your parents see this as your sister getting her inheritance early and you will get your share once they die.

If it truly bothers you then you need to have a talk with them and ask what their reasoning is. A calm discussion not a rant or confrontation and try to clear the air.

Weatherforecast -they won’t change their minds, And this is an internet chat forum! My goal here is to see if others think I am being unreasonable to be upset and hurt. That is what I stated in my first post. Many others would also feel like me it seems, and some have witnessed or experienced this, so I take some comfort in that .

I totally understand your upset op. But do check the facts. There could be conditions you're not aware of. However, if it is so it hurts. I know. My parents have always been clear - whatever they do for one they do for the other. So there is no I'll feeling. They have helped me so much over the years - I was a non-working lone parent. Dsis was married, house owner and her and her wife at both high earners. But they would never see her as less deserving. They recently gifted me £40 000 so I could have what I'd always yearned for - a secure family home. I checked this out with dsis to make sure I wasn't taking advantage of them. But no. She was over the moon I'd finally got my own place. But parents did gift a similar amount to her. If siblings are treated unevenly I can totally get the ill-feeling caused 😟

I voted YANBU. It must feel horrible.

It occurred to me though that they may be keeping her sweet so that she is indebted to them and will have to take on all future caring responsibilities.

You are free from that, focus on the positives.

My dh family has bought his sister THREE houses in the last 20 years all were done in secret, the last one purchased while FIL was on his death bed and dh sister has the cheek not to live in it and live at her mother's house claiming that she's protecting that house from my greedy dh who they believe is after all the money.

This sort of greed and nastiness over money and wills and houses destroys everything. We have fucked them all off now and live happily in our council flat that we got through having to make a homeless application. We have nothing to do with his family, but are apparently still waiting to grab money and houses. It's just a waste.

I feel for you. It's is very unfair and it must feel like a rejection of parents and confirmation that the chosen one is the one they love the most. It is really sad and horrible when families do this to their children.

YANBU not at all. Your grabby sibling is though.

If she already has her own home, that does alter it for me although I still think you need to talk to them to get the full facts.

It might not be relevant to the ‘fairness’ (and I would expect the house to be sold and divvied up or kept for the parents’ benefit really) but I would add that you don’t seem to understand how hard it is for a single person to cope financially. Having a family isn’t harder. There are different costs.

Similar happened to me but in the form of a house deposit to my DB, to buy his rented house in London. It was kept a secret from me, other family knew but didn’t feel it was their place to tell me

I only found out when my mum went into respite care, DB and I were managing her finances between us, I questioned something and she blurted out “well it’s only XXK” - “how much mum” - “the house deposit”. She had given him more than a third of her savings

I walked away, went NC for a while but she was then given a terminal diagnosis and I knew for my own peace of mind, I couldn’t stay NC in those final months. I am now extremely LC with DB, expect to never see him again.

It wasn’t just the money, but the secrecy too, the fact she had shared the info with relatives (I think as DB was bullying her and she needed someone to talk to, they both tried to talk her out of it). Had they spoken to me about it, we could have discussed making things equal via her will

How grabby are you! Your mothers money was hers to do what she wanted with. It wasn't yours to lay claim to. Just because she gave your brother some doesn't mean she had to give you a penny.

I completely understand how much this must hurt. I don't think this is fair of your parents - they should have sold the house and divided the shares evenly between you, or had it valued and given the other siblings something of equal value. I don't think it should matter whether one sibling makes more or less money or has a family or not - that should be for the siblings to decide between them later if they want to pool their inheritances to give a lower-earning sibling a bit more to help them along. But the parents shouldn't do anything but even shares between siblings - it's so often a proxy for how much parents loved or valued different children.

This can cause so much ill-feeling over the years - my grandfather had a holiday house which he decided to offer equally to whichever of his 5 kids could buy him out and take on the ongoing costs of the house, the proceeds to be then split equally between the 5. Seems fair right? Except of the 5, two declined as they had their own summer places by then, two had the money and bought in, and the final one wanted in but didn't have the money to pay her share or to contribute towards maintenance - she had 2 kids at that point and the other two had none. She to this day feels hard done by, even though she got her 1/5 share of the value of the house, because she was spending money on kids and her two siblings weren't.

The irony is that my grandfather bought that cottage, contents intact, from the third generation of the family that built it, that were at each others' throats over who would get to own and use it and decided to just sell up to a stranger and split the money 13(!!) ways.

@canary1

They needn’t have helped any of us of course. But how they helped is quite different depending on which sibling. Of course I’m grateful they helped with first deposit which they got back by equity release about 3 years later.

Just noted that they asked for this from myself, one sister, and not my brother or my sister who is getting this house.

Maybe they needed the money at one point and were comfortably off at another.

Their reasoning doesn't really matter tbh, it's their money to do what they want with. I'm guessing this has brought up longstanding concerns over favouritism or feeling left or pushed out in childhood?

Someone needs to look after the house, this way single sibling with no dependents cares for it till it returns on her death to family. You all have houses so I can’t see how it matters.

@ButteringMyArse

Looks like they have tried to ‘tie’ her to the home area so she doesn’t go abroad and ‘leave’ them.

Mmm I wondered this too.

That’s actually a very good point

You’ve every right to feel hurt and upset.

It also wasn’t fair that they asked for the equity back from two of you, but not the other two. Did they give any explanation for this at the time?

Just ask what the heck they're on.
Is it maybe an asset d disposal so they won't pay care home fees?

Yup. I think she’s being positioned to be the childless spinster carer who must be grateful for all their help. Her siblings now will feel she owes the family/parents endless caring duties. Poor sod. If you love her @canary1 encourage her to run.

Anecdotes like this make me understand why children become estranged from their parents.

I cannot for the life of me understand why parents do this sort of thing, except perhaps in cases where one child is so well off that the money would make no difference, while the other is struggling. Or where one has behaved truly appallingly to the parents.

We have always treated ours exactly the same, and always will.