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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

1 sibling just given a house

395 replies

canary1 · 20/07/2021 07:40

My parents have two houses, one they live in, one has sat empty for many years. The empty house was inherited. I’ve just been told third hand that one of my siblings is to be given it, is moving into it, and in addition, is being financially assisted by my parents to do the work that needs doing to it. It will be her house.
Some may say I’m merely jealous, but of course I’m jealous that one sibling has been this on a plate, while the rest of us work hard to achieve far less.
I also feel it confirms my parents’ hurtful and now blatantly obvious bias towards her.
AIBU to feel hurt and upset by this news?

OP posts:
Original poster
canary1 · 20/07/2021 08:04

That sibling is single, in early 40s, no kids. I presume she spends a lot of time with them, and has no other commitments beyond her job. I don’t really know. Whenever my parents have gone on a weekend away for example, they would just say they were going to X but she would always turn up there too. So she must be very close. I live in another country and have children I need to care for, so clearly that’s not something I could or would have done.
However I thought they loved me and could see it is not easy raising children and all those cost that entails. We’d all like to be given a house, that’d take the pressure off, now wouldn’t it 🙄

OP posts:
OhNoNoNoNoNo · 20/07/2021 08:06

Is there any reason they could
Have thought it justified in any way? Are the other siblings much better off/married/ in better careers or something? Might she have promised to look after the parents as they get older?

It seems like a such an obviously shitty thing to do.
What's the sibling who is getting the house like? If my parents attempted to give me a house an not my siblings I wouldn't take it and I don't even like one of my siblings.

MiddleClassProblem · 20/07/2021 08:11

I’m not sure why you are only comparing your situation to this sister and not the others too. It sounds a bit like you feel like it’s just you and her rather than expecting it to be split between the 4 of you.

Shelddd · 20/07/2021 08:12

My grandparents left their house to one of my aunts. My dad and rest of siblings got very little, we are talking like 500,000 property fully paid off left to 1 sibling than my dad getting like 20,000. My dad got along well with them but lived in a different country and saw them once every 2-3 years whereas the sibling who got the house lived in same neighborhood as them and saw them daily. It's just life. It happens probably more often than you'd think.

CounsellorTroi · 20/07/2021 08:12

That sibling is single, in early 40s, no kids. I presume she spends a lot of time with them, and has no other commitments beyond her job.

Right, so it’s the childless single sibling that spends the most time with them who is getting the house?

DonLewis · 20/07/2021 08:12

My bil was the one gifted a house in my DHs family. It's a poisoned chalice, believe me.

My pils are always there, always commenting, they feel like he owes them. He hates the house, hates how trapped he is, hasn't been remotely grateful and all its done is fund his shitty way of living and trapped him even further in poverty (which is ridiculous but he's never held down a job and with the house he's had no incentive to. Now he's almost 50 and what has he got to show for his life? A house he doesn't like, overbearing parents who think they own him and no way out of it all).

We only see pils very occasionally and we take great pleasure in not being in that situation, although it stung DH at the time.

It may not be all it's cracked up to be.

GrandmasCat · 20/07/2021 08:13

Being abroad doesn’t help your parents see that you also have needs and struggles.

Me and my friends from abroad always joke that for the people back at home, the fact that you are living and working abroad AND can pay the longhaul airfares to visit them once a year is ABSOLUTE proof that you are living the life of Riley.

I have needed to point to my mother a few years agoy that I was not tight-fisted for not wanting to spend $200 in gifts for each member of the family but, as ridiculous as it sound, my gift was to visit them as the airfare had costed 15 times and that it would take me a year to pay back the amount back in my credit card. Then she said I was so full of myself for thinking I was blessing them with my presence.

I have not been back since Grin

Maggiesfarm · 20/07/2021 08:15

It's possible that your parents have given the house to your sister in the sense that it is hers to live in, but parents still have the deeds. That's not unusual.

Do check facts before you say anything - if you do decide to say anything. I'm not sure it will do any good.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 20/07/2021 08:15

Well The Golden One will be there go- to bum wiper.. Back away op. Spend what travel money you would have on your dc...

HollowTalk · 20/07/2021 08:17

Why did they leave the house empty anyway and not just sell it?

Original poster
canary1 · 20/07/2021 08:18

MiddleClassProblem I think all should be treated equally. I’m just comparing my treatment with her treatment. But obviously I think the same for the other two siblings.

It’s an empty house CounsellorTroi.
The other siblings live nearby too and see plenty of my parents. I mentioned that the sibling getting house is single/ child free, to explain perhaps why she is more free to go on vacation with my parents. The other siblings all have spouses/ families who would expect them to holiday with them? For example I have to look after my children on school holidays and save my annual leave for that. I’m not free to take annual leave at some other time of year and take off, leaving my husband to do all the child things ( which need two of us). Of course if my husband and children did not exist I would have more free time!!

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 20/07/2021 08:22

canary1. Is the sibling getting the house single and childfree by choice? Does she currently own her home? If not your parents may see her as less “settled” than their other children.

anon12345678901 · 20/07/2021 08:24

Do the other siblings own their own houses and could the sibling getting the house buy one of their own?

GCandproud · 20/07/2021 08:26

It depends on your and your sibling's overall financial situation I think. You're not children so the 'it's not fair' argument is not a good one if there is a disparity in wealth. I don't think parents should have to divide equally if the need is not equal.
I will give you an example from my family. I have one brother and two sisters. One sister is autistic but she can function fairly well, although she can't really work apart from freelance stuff from home (she gets really anxious and struggles to interact with people). She has always lived at home with my mum but is desperately unhappy there and wants some independence. My other sister is married to a guy who is a millionnaire and between them they own several houses. My mum is going to sell an inherited property and buy my sister a very modest place and my sister will pay her some rent every month. My other sister is apoplectic with rage and says that it's cruel and unfair not to divide the money from the sold house equally and that she wants her share. Quite frankly, she's a selfish bitch and my brother and I have almost stopped speaking to her because of it. So in order for me to say whether it's fair, I would need a lot more information. In the case of my family, I absolutely think it's fair to give more to one child because of her situation.

Simbacatisback · 20/07/2021 08:29

@MathsFail

Message you parents.

"hi Mum/Dad. I've just heard that X is moving into the other house? Is this true? What's the situation there, is she renting from you?"

In what world do people send their parents text messages like this to communicate?
CliftonGreenYork · 20/07/2021 08:29

Am I reading this right? Your parents had an extra house that was sitting empty for years and they have let one of their children move in. Perhaps your parents are biased towards her because they are extremely close and she spends a lot of time with them. Or perhaps they just want someone to look after the house. Learn the facts fully before you cause any further issues.

AhNowTed · 20/07/2021 08:29

It's irrelevant whether the sibling bought or could buy their own home. That was their life choice.

They should all be treated equally regardless. Who knows what the future holds for any of them.

No one sibling should be gifted a house while the rest pay a mortgage for 30 years.

Shelddd · 20/07/2021 08:29

I don't know if I agree with the socialist arguments that money should go to those who haven't figured out life and need more help. Rewarding people for not doing well.

HeddaGarbled · 20/07/2021 08:30

The context matters here. If your single sister is the only one who doesn’t own her own home already (because no partner to share the cost, perhaps) and does a lot for your parents, it starts to make more sense.

Original poster
canary1 · 20/07/2021 08:32

The sibling getting the house is in a similarly professional career as me and my other siblings. She just never met anyone to marry, has never really had a partner over the years at any stage, so I’m not sure if you all that by choice, I have no idea why she’s not had a boyfriend. My parents already helped her with an apartment. They helped me too to a much lesser extent but got the money back via equity from mine. They didn’t ask for her to give a larger sum back, nor from my brother either( they asked for money lent back from me and my sister)

OP posts:
Auntienumber8 · 20/07/2021 08:32

I have found parents that favour a child either have just always preferred that child, the whole golden child dynamic. Or the child is a bit shit at life so the parents feel sorry for them. Sometimes the child with the shit life doesn’t make a deal about it and sometimes they lay it on with a trowel.

At least you know now, DH sister was left everything by their Father.

Original poster
canary1 · 20/07/2021 08:34

It’s miles off the inequity now, those arguing what is fair. I’ll have a mortgage to pay off for many many years. She just owns one now and can relax? How is that fair? It’s not a small house either, it’s big. It’s a life altering gift.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 20/07/2021 08:34

@GCandproud your situation is a bit of an extreme example though and hardly the norm. I would agree with you given your particular circumstances. The OP's, on the surface, is a bit different.

GCandproud · 20/07/2021 08:36

@AhNowTed

It's irrelevant whether the sibling bought or could buy their own home. That was their life choice.

They should all be treated equally regardless. Who knows what the future holds for any of them.

No one sibling should be gifted a house while the rest pay a mortgage for 30 years.

Actually, it's not always down to 'life choices'. Some people land on their feet and some get dealt a shit hand. It's the reality of life. If all the other siblings own houses and one of them doesn't I can definitely see why the parents would want to help the one who doesn't.
godmum56 · 20/07/2021 08:36

What I think is that its poisoning your life and wasting your headspace agonising about it. Yes get the facts before you decide what to do but once you have the facts, decide what to do about it, do it and move on. nursing your hurt only damages yourself.