1 sibling just given a house

[canary1]

My parents have two houses, one they live in, one has sat empty for many years. The empty house was inherited. I’ve just been told third hand that one of my siblings is to be given it, is moving into it, and in addition, is being financially assisted by my parents to do the work that needs doing to it. It will be her house.
Some may say I’m merely jealous, but of course I’m jealous that one sibling has been this on a plate, while the rest of us work hard to achieve far less.
I also feel it confirms my parents’ hurtful and now blatantly obvious bias towards her.
AIBU to feel hurt and upset by this news?

Similar happened to me but in the form of a house deposit to my DB, to buy his rented house in London. It was kept a secret from me, other family knew but didn’t feel it was their place to tell me.

I only found out when my mum went into respite care, DB and I were managing her finances between us, I questioned something and she blurted out “well it’s only XXK” - “how much mum” - “the house deposit”. She had given him more than a third of her savings.

I walked away, went NC for a while but she was then given a terminal diagnosis and I knew for my own peace of mind, I couldn’t stay NC in those final months. I am now extremely LC with DB, expect to never see him again.

It wasn’t just the money, but the secrecy too, the fact she had shared the info with relatives (I think as DB was bullying her and she needed someone to talk to, they both tried to talk her out of it). Had they spoken to me about it, we could have discussed making things equal via her will.

She did insist in making things equal before she died, but it felt like dirty money at that point, only given because I had found out their secret and most went into my DCs ISAs.

I have 2 young adult DC, I would never give one money and not the other, they have both been told that, but also they were old enough when we knew about mums money to see how it affected me.

I think you need the context. My parents inherited a flat they were going to give to my brother as the rest of us had already bought homes, but made it clear it would be factored into the will and he would get less then. In the end it didn’t happen for other reasons, but it was a fair way to make sure all their children were treated as fairly as possible.

On the face of it it seems unfair.

Perhaps they've justified it to themselves with the thought that the other children are settled and have their own homes and families. All they are doing is helping this particular child to catch up with the others. You are resentful that she's getting things on a plate and you had to work for them, however she might have worked hard too and just not been as lucky as you. Two people might work equally hard and find that one becomes successful and the other not, not because they did not give their all but just because they didn't have the luck the first one did.

Think of the story of the prodigal son, the first son takes his inheritance early and pisses it away on drugs, booze and prostitutes, then when he returns home his father rejoices and says he can have half of what's remaining. The other son is livid but as the father says, it's fair because they will both be getting the same amount.

@GCandproud I have a similar situation to the OP.

One sibling never owned their own home. This husband is still a SAHP even though the child is in secondary.

That was absolutely their choice. They could have bought years ago but chose not to. Now they're probably unlikely to get a mortgage.

Why should they get the family home while everyone else pays a 30 year mortgage?

I wonder if your parents are thinking that she will care for them in their old age? Older single daughter = carer for elderly parents…. Maybe they feel that it is only fair to look after her now as a way of making it fairer that she will take on the majority of their care later on??

@canary1

It’s miles off the inequity now, those arguing what is fair. I’ll have a mortgage to pay off for many many years. She just owns one now and can relax? How is that fair? It’s not a small house either, it’s big. It’s a life altering gift.

She won’t be relaxing as your parents get elderly she will be running around looking after them. I can tell you from experience it’s much harder than looking after toddlers. Looks like they have tried to ‘tie’ her to the home area so she doesn’t go abroad and ‘leave’ them.

I don’t agree with this way of thinking by the way - I think everyone loses, but it might explain their actions …

@canary1

It’s miles off the inequity now, those arguing what is fair. I’ll have a mortgage to pay off for many many years. She just owns one now and can relax? How is that fair? It’s not a small house either, it’s big. It’s a life altering gift.

If you want to get even close to answering the question ask your parents or sister. No one here knows.

Maybe your parents have plans to leave you the house they live in.

Why do parents do this! Even if its because they think one sibling needs it more, it always leads to such anguish and schisms in relationships it’s not worth it!

I know several people this has happened to. I find it really hard to understand how parents justify it to themselves, but it's always a golden child dynamic. I can see there are situations where parents might feel it's justified (e.g. if one child has provided more care, been more available), but even then I think it's a terrible thing to do. It ruins the relationships between siblings after the parents have died and rightly or wrongly, people do equate money with love.

[quote AhNowTed]@GCandproud your situation is a bit of an extreme example though and hardly the norm. I would agree with you given your particular circumstances. The OP's, on the surface, is a bit different.[/quote]
Maybe, although an outsider might well think that my sister who is getting help is just lazy if they didn't know the full facts.

I wouldn't speak to them again.

Money does make people go funny.

My in laws nearly did this for DH’s brother. The brother had been living in it anyway, which no one minded, but then the brother suggested the house should just be signed into his name for him to sell and keep the money! PIL were going along with it until DH pointed out how unfair it was to him and their other sibling.

The house was then sold and PIL split the money between the three siblings. There was a period of about a week after DH told his parents his feelings that PIL were swithering about just going ahead with the plan for BIL to have the lot and DH was so upset. He is very loyal to his parents but he said to me if they went ahead we would be massively reducing contact with them as he would be so hurt that they were helping BIL in this way when we could all use some help. Your feelings are totally understandable.

I would ask why they have made the choice to give her the house rather than sell it and split 4 ways. Maybe your parents will still own the house ? Leaving it empty for years is a strange choice. Do they want the home to stay in thr family for sentimental reasons?

Looks like they have tried to ‘tie’ her to the home area so she doesn’t go abroad and ‘leave’ them.

Mmm I wondered this too.

It’s disappointing but at the end of the day if they are still good and loving parents I would let it go. There is more to relationships than gifts, even big ones like this. Perhaps your parents see you as happy and settled and this isn’t the same for your sibling.
Maybe you can have an open conversation at some point and find their reasons. I would rather by sibling had a house than it sit empty and fall into disrepair!
My parents never have spare houses to give any of us but I remember feeling jealous when my sister was given a car and I was not. However I let it go and they had their reasons.

It's always puzzled me why families fall out so badly over inheritances but given what's happened in my family, I am beginning to see why. I can't imagine caring that much about money myself, especially if I was settled. Wealth is unfairly distributed as it is. You can work your arse off being a cleaner or factory worker and you get peanuts. Someone working in an investment bank isn't necessarily working harder but they get paid loads more. I think people always like to see their own position as due to their hard work rather than also involving sheer luck and others' struggles as being their own fault for not working hard enough.
In my own family, I'd want people on a level footing rather than every penny split equally. It's also not always obvious, even within families, what struggles people face and why their circumstances are the way they are. People don't always tell their family the whole truth.

It's not just about money though. Of course we'd all love a free house.

It's the validation that actually I'm your daughter too.

Going against the grain here to say YABU, on a few levels.

I've been in a similar situation being given £2000 while a sibling received ten times that amount, won't bore you with the details.

I think it's telling that this sibling is the only one who isn't a homeowner, and hasn't formed a steady relationship. I don't know if those two facts are linked in her situation, but it's far, far easier to get a mortgage when there are two of you to contribute a deposit, pay the mortgage, contribute to upkeep, and shoulder problems like redundancy that may befall any of us. If the rest of you have got partners and bought homes then it makes sense why if your parents wanted to give the property to one of you they'd choose her. A way of helping her to get on equal footing with the rest of you despite not having had the fortune to meet a partner like the rest of you have.

Secondly, I do think YABU to feel as though you have any right or claim over someone else's property. It comes across a bit like you feel as though it should have been yours or partly yours and now you're upset because it's been taken away from you. It was never yours, you and your parents are separate people and it's their home to do what they want with. Even if their choices don't make sense to you (or don't benefit you as much as you'd like them to).

'The rest of us work far harder to end up with a lot less' is a really horrible attitude to have. I worked hard to lift myself out of poverty and become a homeowner but that doesn't mean that outcome didn't also materialise due to a lot of privilege too. Meeting a partner is a major thing that not everyone is lucky enough to do. Being a homeowner (including with a mortgage, even if you don't own outright) is absolutely huge and something many people dream of but will never have. Your sister has I assume been paying rent for years while you pay towards buying your property, that doesn't make either of you more or less hard workers (you said yourself she has a career!).

What's fair isn't necessarily giving the precise same thing to every single child, and your parents have made their decision because they want your sister to have the home, not any of the rest of you. And that's down to them. If you allow something like this to ruin your relationship with them then I think you'll really regret it, there's no real way you can approach this with them without it seeming preposterous and entitled (imagine a grown adult crying to their parents because of what they've decided to do with a house they own, while being a homeowner themselves!).

I know you're coming across really bitter and quite nasty but I hope that's the shock talking and that once you've calmed down and processed it a bit you'll realise how unreasonable you're being here. I would hate to see it destroy your family relationships, but you do what you gotta do.

Maybe she's just being allowed to live in it but it remains the parents' house? Still not ideal obviously but very different from being given such a large amount of equity

How come the house just sat empty for years and not just got sold or used?

Yes I’d feel the same as you. Unless one child needs extra support from a parent (eg if one child have a disability and will need carers etc) the. I don’t see how you can justify such a discrepancy in how you treat your children .

I think you should just be direct. Tell them you’ve heard about the plan to give your sibling the house and tell them you are hurt by it and feel it’s unfair.

Do you already have a house? Do you need a house? Would you want to live in this house, is it in a good location for your life?

And then same questions about your sibling?

I also would much rather see an empty house lived in and passed through a family than abandoned whilst siblings argued.

If you were both in the same need it seems unfair to give her something and not you. But I strongly believe that fair doesn't mean equal, and that ultimately your parents can do what they want with their money.

I can see why it stings. But as you haven't heard it directly from them, and don't have the details on any arrangement, or future arrangement for you, I'd hold off until you have more information.