1 sibling just given a house

[canary1]

My parents have two houses, one they live in, one has sat empty for many years. The empty house was inherited. I’ve just been told third hand that one of my siblings is to be given it, is moving into it, and in addition, is being financially assisted by my parents to do the work that needs doing to it. It will be her house.
Some may say I’m merely jealous, but of course I’m jealous that one sibling has been this on a plate, while the rest of us work hard to achieve far less.
I also feel it confirms my parents’ hurtful and now blatantly obvious bias towards her.
AIBU to feel hurt and upset by this news?

Presumably when your sister dies the house will be left to you all?

@Shelddd

I don't know if I agree with the socialist arguments that money should go to those who haven't figured out life and need more help. Rewarding people for not doing well.

Excellent- the Daily Mail argument. Life is a lot more complex than this and parents are entitled to make their own decisions.

I know it’s their house and their choice but I would be very upset and it would make me angry with my parents and my sibling for taking it.

On the other hand, I do think you actually need to speak to them as The information you have been given is third hand. Now you’ve said she’s single, I’m wondering if they’ve done it so she can actually have a home as the cost of a deposit is beyond many on one income - something you might not have experienced as you have a partner. They may intend to take that off the money left to her in the will too so you get more then. I’d talk to them. Then come back and let us know as it would affect my judgement.

I've got a potential similar situation coming in that one of dc seems steady, sensible, will wait for ten cookies rather than eat one right now. Other dd is totally opposite and struggles at school I'm already worried for her future and dh and I are not rich.
How can we support both equally if one is able for instance to buy a house but the other can't?

It’s not just the money, it’s what it represents about how your parents feel about you. Yanbu on either count.

I’d be so upset.

Op it sounds like you don't know your sibling well.
What if it transpired she had many issues you don't know about, wouid that make a difference, also why has this house been sat empty for years and no one worried about it being empty!

@5zeds

Presumably when your sister dies the house will be left to you all?

Eh? The siblings might go first.

Two for three, this isn't an inheritance yet!.

I would be so angry about this. I am by far the lower earning sibling and would never expect to receive more money from my parents because of it. This is the sort of thing that should be discussed within families. We have found out that PIL secretly give BIL money as we have overheard them on the phone when we have visited (incidentally he never visits them! We are the ones who visit, include them at Xmas, invite them on holidays etc). We found out that they bought him a car and pay the running costs, pay his credit card bill, pay for his TV package etc. They do favour him a lot even though DH is the one who runs around after them. It’s sad for DH, but he is a better person about it than I am!

Couple of thoughts ,
Maybe they want to make sure she’s “looked after” when they’re gone ?

Or does the house have any sentimental value ? Is it a family home (did it belong to your grandparents or one of your parents siblings for example)and they want to keep in the family without the stress of renting ?

It's awful, OP, and I feel for you. I think most people would feel the same.

What do you think your parents' justification would be, assuming this is all true (I do think it's worth checking)? I'm not saying it would be right but it would help to know the thought process. They may think that if she is single she needs the money more than the siblings who have other incomes, and that a house may act as a compensation for not having a family if she wanted one. Not saying that's right, just that it might not be completely straightforward.

There's more to the story and the only way to know all the details is to have the parents share their side, which isn't going to happen.

You're just going to have to accept that this is the way it is, OP.

I think it is shit but it's up to them what they do with their stuff.

However, are you certain they will have signed over the house to her, in her name?
I would imagine she has been told she can live there rent free and they will do it up but that's not to say it's going to be her asset.

I would deffo find out more.

Also maybe the set up comes with a tie such as "we give you this house, you are our carer in old age". Or some such thing..

I completely understand you being upset OP - I can't imagine treating my children like that.
The fact that your parents haven't mentioned it to you seems to me like they know it's not a fair thing to do. I do think they only thing to do is to ask them why - maybe they have a valid reason that no-one else knows about.

I would have it out with them. Unbelievably cruel. What have you got to lose?

So sorry about this OP. I would be incensed by this as well. Why do parents do this and think there will be no consequences?!

I have been trying to think of scenarios where you could justify giving 1 child more than his / her siblings in a will or gift - the scenarios are generally where a child or their GC would have a life limiting illness and therefore need more care or kit to lead a more fulfilling life.

I think you are going to have to talk to your parents about this and also your other siblings to see how they feel

What jumps out is that your DPs have not mentioned this to you. It looks like they mean to keep it a secret (except that you found out). Perhaps they think the tyranny of distance will work in their favour. You are right to be pissed off, especially as they've already helped your sister buy a flat.

A similar thing happened to XH. His uncle died, XFIL inherited uncle's flat and turned it over to his unemployed DS2 to sell and pocket the proceeds. Not a cent for his DS1, my XH, who had slogged his guts out at school and work and had a new baby (DD) and a big mortgage.

It's a toxic situation, and you have my sympathy. I suspect, though, that you'll have to wait until your DPs go to god, then challenge the will.

@GrandmasCat

My sister was very angry for years because my parents bought me and my son a house when I divorced.

They didn’t buy me a house, they lent me £5000 for the deposit which I returned in a few months. But nobody told her the details because she never asked.

It is not unusual for parents to help those who they see more in need. They also help in different ways, my parents didn’t lend her money for a deposit as she had enough saved for that but they are still cooking lunches for her, dealing with her laundry, babysitting her dog, and paying for her and her friends every time they go to a restaurant (2-4 times a week) or on a holiday together.

So if your sister and her friends eat out four times in one week, say four friends at minimum £20 a head, your parents would shell out £360 in one week? On top of paying for your sister and her friends to go on holiday, which must run into thousands?

Sorry, but they sound like mugs.

@AhNowTed

It's irrelevant whether the sibling bought or could buy their own home. That was their life choice.

They should all be treated equally regardless. Who knows what the future holds for any of them.

No one sibling should be gifted a house while the rest pay a mortgage for 30 years.

Actually it's not always a life choice; what a silly comment. Circumstances can change for anyone.

This is not OP house nor money, yes express your disappointment, but it never has belonged to the siblings to share the money from it.

Wow! What shitty parents you have OP.

My sympathies.

I don't know if I agree with the socialist arguments that money should go to those who haven't figured out life and need more help. Rewarding people for not doing well.

Horrible horrible argument. Also, do grown adults need validation from their parents for doing well? If you've got a nice house and a good career, do you really begrudge someone else getting something because that person 'could have worked harder' and shouldn't be rewarded? And I can't imagine cutting family members out of my life because they didn't give me the money I felt I was due.

As mentioned earlier, she already owns a property. They helped her with a first deposit for this. They helped each of us equally with this, but asked for the money back from me and one sibling, not this sibling or one other.

The difference is that she will have a property owned outright by her. The rest of us do not and have many many years of mortgage left.

She may have one income, but anyone who has a family knows that they actually cost money, so I would suggest her apparent disposable income is far greater than mine ( on things that appear visible, for example buying high end clothes, new car that I could never afford).

And now to be given a free house. Yes I’m hurt and upset.

Maybe this sibling will getnothing more, when evenually they die and their current home value is distributed?

You are never goig to know unless you ask, if you cant ask, you wont know why what or anything.

PP's are right though some people just land on their feet and some have a more difficult path

Lest anyone jump in and make assumptions about me: my mother (who died last year) took my brother, his wife and their three children on expensive cruises and holidays twice a year for fifteen years. When she died, she left her house and belongs (she came from an upper middle-class family and had a fair amount of inherited wealth and family heirlooms as well as a generous divorce settlement from my father) to my brother. I got a small painting and a small percentage of her estate. The rest went to my brother and totalled hundreds of thousands of pounds. My father also paid for private schooling for my brother's children and set up trust funds for them.

Fair? Eh. Life isn't fair. All I know is that I can't control how other people act; all that I can control is how I react. And my reaction is to feel disappointment and sadness and to get on with my life.