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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

1 sibling just given a house

395 replies

canary1 · 20/07/2021 07:40

My parents have two houses, one they live in, one has sat empty for many years. The empty house was inherited. I’ve just been told third hand that one of my siblings is to be given it, is moving into it, and in addition, is being financially assisted by my parents to do the work that needs doing to it. It will be her house.
Some may say I’m merely jealous, but of course I’m jealous that one sibling has been this on a plate, while the rest of us work hard to achieve far less.
I also feel it confirms my parents’ hurtful and now blatantly obvious bias towards her.
AIBU to feel hurt and upset by this news?

OP posts:

Jux · 25/07/2021 12:57

@Tzimi, she really doesn't. She does need to talk to her parents. If they've decided to give the house to her sibling then Deed transference etc is none of her business and would be dreadfully presumptuous. If she wants to maintain her status within the family as one of the children who have been wronged, then she mustn't do anything like that which could be thrown in her face by them.

Tzimi · 25/07/2021 13:18

[quote Jux]**@Tzimi, she really doesn't. She does need to talk to her parents. If they've decided to give the house to her sibling then Deed transference etc is none of her business and would be dreadfully presumptuous. If she wants to maintain her status within the family as one of the children who have been wronged, then she mustn't do anything like that which could be thrown in her face by them.[/quote]
What I mean is, she doesn't seem to know at the moment whether the ownership has transferred or not. It would be a way of finding out without having to ask awkward questions. They don't have to know that she's checked.

Tzimi · 25/07/2021 13:27

[quote Jux]**@Tzimi, she really doesn't. She does need to talk to her parents. If they've decided to give the house to her sibling then Deed transference etc is none of her business and would be dreadfully presumptuous. If she wants to maintain her status within the family as one of the children who have been wronged, then she mustn't do anything like that which could be thrown in her face by them.[/quote]
I checked on my own flat when I sold it, so make sure it had transferred to my buyer. I think it cost something like £14 to get an e-mail copy of the title document. In fact it took several months to go through, and I could have been liable for all kinds of things if I was still the legal owner- for example, what if my buyer had refused to pay Council tax? So it's a pretty useful service. OP's house may still belong to her parents, they might just be letting their daughter use it.

PercyPigandMe · 25/07/2021 13:42

How do you know that this isn't just her receiving 'her' inheritance early or in a different form? Probably best to just mention it next time you speak rather than get swept up and carried away

You clearly are not in a position to move into this house yourself as you live abroad. They obviously don't want to sell it outside of the family

Without more info - which you'll only get by asking them - I'd just try and put a lid on the hurt feelings until you know the full picture from the horses mouth

Washimal · 25/07/2021 13:58

Can I ask anybody who has been the victim of this ,how they moved away from the hurt and on with their lives please?

DH's parents bought his sister a house outright a few years back. They also furnished it for her and continue to subsidise her lifestyle in various ways. DH was very quiet for a couple of days after we found out and although he isn't the type to cause a fuss, I could tell he was hurt. But some time later he told me that he had genuinely made his peace with it for two reasons. Firstly, he realised that by handing his DSis everything on a plate his DP's haven't actually done her any favours. She has never really grown up, hasn't achieved anything in her own right and will never know the satisfaction that comes from finally getting something you've worked hard for. Secondly, by confirming his long-held suspicions that they favoured his DSis in such an obvious way, PIL lost any hold they had over DH. He stopped trying to gain their approval, or feeling bad if he wasn't immediately available to do things for them. He hasn't fallen out with them or gone NC, but he has definitely distanced himself, and is much less susceptible to their guilt-trips about things like Christmas than he used to be.

TheSkatesOfCoachBombay · 25/07/2021 15:26

Oh gosh this is going to be me, when my mum and nan pass away and I inherit the family 3 bed home, and my brother and his wife will get money as they already have a house 😬

For context I spend all my time with them, I do all the DIY and paid for a new kitchen for them so I've put money in to the house, but everyone knows the family home is coming to me. Next year I'm paying for a new roof for them for example.

I clean the house weekly for them, do all the gardening and I do their food shop for them.

I also rent my own home and stuff. But because the landlord takes care of repairs I out money in to the "family home"

Now I'm worrying my brother is going to hate me 😳

sadperson16 · 25/07/2021 16:38

Thank you@Washimal,a useful thought. In my own set of circumstances, Mum is at End of Life.

For the umpteenth time,its not about the money.

abstractprojection · 25/07/2021 20:34

I’d be extremely hurt and feel very hard done by, not just for my but my children too

Life is not fair but for parents that can, most want to make it as fair for their children and grandchildren as possible and generational wealth is a big part of this

GrandmasCat · 26/07/2021 02:37

Can I ask anybody who has been the victim of this ,how they moved away from the hurt and on with their lives please?

I accepted that my sibling is the golden child and no matter what I do, when I do it or how well I do it, my parents are never going to see me as anything more than the black sheep. In the same way, my sibling can be the worst that they can be and in my parents’ view, they would still be a fantastic individual made of gold who farts rainbows at every step.

Accepting that gave me the freedom to stop my incessant trying to please them. I no longer expect anything from them so nice gestures feel like a “bonus”.

It is true that my sibling has not achieved as much as I did growing up with so much “protection” from my parents but that doesn’t make my own struggles feel any better, I might be far more independent but I don’t wish anyone this hardship for the sake of building self reliance. What makes all the difference and balance things out is that my sibling may be getting far more than me from my parents but… she is now also the one who has to be dropping things at work to take them to the doctor, doing their shopping for them, arranging any house maintenance they will need, and dealing with an ever increased list of things they need help with, while I am sitting here doing not much at all as I live so far away from them I cannot offer any practical help at all, so we are even. My sibling might even get my parents’ house eventually, but I’m sure that by the time that happens, they would have earned it.

Changechangychange · 26/07/2021 02:52

@TheSkatesOfCoachBombay I suspect it will depend a bit on the amount of money being left - if you get a £750k house and your brother gets £10k in cash, yep I expect he’ll feel a bit resentful. If it is a £120k house and £80k in cash, it starts to seem a bit fairer given you’ve put money in.

If it is very unequal, is there any reason your parents couldn’t leave you both a share in the house and you could buy him out? They could leave you a larger share to reflect your contributions.

mynameisbrian · 26/07/2021 12:35

TheSkatesOfCoachBombay just because you choose to help your parents out doesnt mean you should be handed the 'family home'. You have made a choice to help them and pay for things for their home however it sounds like you know the house is coming to you anyway so that will be why your doing it. Be interested to see how much money your brother gets in comparison to your 3 bed house.

I dont live near my siblings or mum and they help her out more than i do. However her will is shared between all 4 of us equally. My DC will get a large inheritance when I die but my will be equal too.

mynameisbrian · 26/07/2021 12:41

TheSkatesOfCoachBombay oh to add if my sibling was handed the family home because I own one. I would be pissed too. Most people don't own their home outright and are paying mortgages, so this nonsene about well they have their own home so I will hand you mine mortgage free is shocking.

TheSkatesOfCoachBombay · 26/07/2021 16:35

I spoke to DB about this last night on WhatsApp because I was worried, and we're all ok, he said he doesn't want the house as it's nowhere near where his family and work and life is. And also he'd always assumed it would go to me regardless of how much money I'd paid to repair it and what not.

Fact is when nan passes away me and DS will move in with mother to keep her company and then when mum passes away I'll stay with DS. Who will eventually leave the nest and it will just be me here.

DB said he has no issues with this plan as he doesn't want to care for DM so the pay off for this commitment is the house.

mynameisbrian · 26/07/2021 18:06

TheSkatesOfCoachBombay that’s good you have had that conversation now as it can lead to resentment. But seems reasonable with you planning to mover in and support her too.

jugOFpimms · 27/07/2021 15:10

OP i feel for you & your other siblings, its not fair & the fact she already has a house is even weirder ,once you have the facts ,maybe one of you can actually ask her rather than your parents who will be defensive.

sadperson16 · 29/07/2021 10:05

I wish somehow I could alert people to try and sort these matters out before it's too late.

You really have absolutely no idea , unless you are staggering through it yourself.
People with elderly parents, try your hardest to get some clarity.

LadyEloise1 · 08/08/2021 09:24

@canary1
Did you or your sibling ever ask why you both had to repay the money lent to buy your first homes but your other 2 siblings didn't have to ?
Very odd behaviour by your parents.

juice92 · 08/08/2021 15:02

Totally get why you are upset. My main issue would be with hearing it third hand, not nice at all.

Dina0 · 08/08/2021 16:23

I think you need to have an honest conversation with your parents and let them know how you feel. It might not change anything but at least they know your feelings on the matter. Prehaps even getting your other siblings to express how they feel also may be helpful.

Original poster

canary1 · 15/08/2021 06:16

Just thought I’d come back to this.... thank you for everyone’s thoughts. It’s reassuring to hear most would feel as I do. I’ve asked and been told that they want that house to stay in ‘the family’ so are giving it to her outright. They plan leaving the other three siblings the house they live in. There’s obviously massive disparity without explanation. And obviously sibling could just sell the house anyway! Families, eh? I’m emotionally distancing myself as it’s all very hurtful and speaks volumes about their feelings.

LadyEloise1 no explanation ever, and even a denial it happened when I mentioned it some years ago. It says it all really.

OP posts:

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