1 sibling just given a house

[canary1]

My parents have two houses, one they live in, one has sat empty for many years. The empty house was inherited. I’ve just been told third hand that one of my siblings is to be given it, is moving into it, and in addition, is being financially assisted by my parents to do the work that needs doing to it. It will be her house.
Some may say I’m merely jealous, but of course I’m jealous that one sibling has been this on a plate, while the rest of us work hard to achieve far less.
I also feel it confirms my parents’ hurtful and now blatantly obvious bias towards her.
AIBU to feel hurt and upset by this news?

How do you know that they aren’t gifting her the house because they consider her to need it but are intending to give the rest of you money or leave money to you in their will. If they have an empty house sitting there then it would make sense to give it to your sister earlier and leave the rest of you money or their existing property/properties. There would be no point giving you a property if you live in another country or your siblings if they already have family homes or are in the housing market and she isn’t. They also may feel ( rightly or wrongly) that the rest of you don’t need the help at this stage if you have a property or joint income. I can understand you feeling upset - I would, but they may be conditions to the property.

This happened to my Mum and her siblings. There were four of them - one was always the favourite and was pandered to by my GPs, mainly because she was difficult and would take advantage of them. She was also the only one who never married.

My Mum and her only other living sibling now have nothing to do with her and she lives in this big house by herself and has nobody. No friends and no family who bother with her as she's just toxic and thinks every person in the world owes her something.

I'm sorry @canary1, it sounds like a really hard thing to deal with and I think the secrecy around it would be as hurtful as the actual gifting of the house.

This sounds kinda like my family . My youngest sister has had everything handed to her . I use to be so bitter about it . When I was 22 I saved up thousands to backpack Europe . I’m Canadian and was living in Canada at the time . My parents fully paid for my sister to go with me. I was going to go alone but was excited to have a travel buddy . But fuck I was bitter . I saved up 10k ($) and she saved nothing . That was just the start though as she’s never worked a day In her life and has had everything bought for her . I have another sister and she works hard for everything just like me. I’m ( nearly ) 37 now and I’ve only now stopped feeling bitter about it . I’ve worked damn hard for the life I have and so has my other sister and it now shows. Even though my youngest sister has had everything bought for her, shes never worked, she has no education, she has no real hobbies or friends ( watches tv all day). She’s had so much given to her but she’s miserable . It’s so sad . I just feel bad for her.

You don’t live in the same country as your parents OP? Do any of your other siblings live near your parents apart from the one gifted the house. Could this have a bearing on their decision as this sibling is literally ‘local’?

It is very very very shit parenting and I would feel the same.

That’s completely unacceptable. Your parents clearly know that if they aren’t making it public knowledge too

@5zeds

Yup. I think she’s being positioned to be the childless spinster carer who must be grateful for all their help. Her siblings now will feel she owes the family/parents endless caring duties. Poor sod. If you love her *@canary1* encourage her to run.

Yes, this is entirely possible. It may be a poisoned chalice. Everyone in the family now thinks caring is entirely her job. Several people on this thread have said so...

I know you said she just never met anyone to marry, OP, and of course some people don't and there's nothing wrong with that. But it's unusual to get to your 40s and never met anyone who was ever a contender for being a life partner. I wonder if your parents were in any way overbearing with her? And that might look like favouritism from the outside?

Sorry if you've said this, but is she the youngest?

No explanation of why two of us returned deposits via equity release, and 2 didn’t. It makes a big difference, the amount of money you have to earn before tax to come up with this. And no, I’m told this will be that sibling’s house outright, no returning it to the family or anything. So no 30 year mortgage for her.

Yes the youngest

Interesting, the idea that they may have been overbearing, and that it looks like favouritism, maybe some of both?
She’s never had a boyfriend or anyone who was around, going on hols with or even meeting up with. She’s a lovely looking, perfectly nice woman. I often thought she was too tied into with what my parents were doing as the years went by, but she seemed to want that too.

Antwerpen the other siblings are just as local

I know you said she just never met anyone to marry, OP, and of course some people don't and there's nothing wrong with that. But it's unusual to get to your 40s and never met anyone who was ever a contender for being a life partner. I wonder if your parents were in any way overbearing with her? And that might look like favouritism from the outside?

It may be they've always intended to "keep" her for themselves as an insurance policy for their old age. I can imagine any potential suitors being frightened away. No one wants a partner who is completely in their parents' pocket.

@canary1

Yes the youngest

Ah.

I can't stress enough that it doesn't make your parents right, or negate your right to be very upset. I would be too. But it's not hugely uncommon for some families, especially ones with a lot of children, to see the youngest daughter as the "carer" who shouldn't get to have her own life but stay unmarried and without kids so she can look after the parents when they get old. It's the rule in some cultures. (I'm the youngest of three, and a daughter, and my family sometimes joked about it.)

And they may press this home by giving her more money or assets, either to offset what she'll never have or to create a sense of obligation. Is it possible your parents had some of of hand in her never marrying or having kids?

Whether that's the case here or not, it's a horrible situation. But her position may not be as enviable as it first appears.

@5zeds

Yup. I think she’s being positioned to be the childless spinster carer who must be grateful for all their help. Her siblings now will feel she owes the family/parents endless caring duties. Poor sod. If you love her *@canary1* encourage her to run.

Totally agree with this. There will be strings attached to this free house, whether they are stated at the moment or not. The key thing for me reading what you have written OP, is that you live in another country so your parents don't now expect anything from you.

@canary1

Interesting, the idea that they may have been overbearing, and that it looks like favouritism, maybe some of both? She’s never had a boyfriend or anyone who was around, going on hols with or even meeting up with. She’s a lovely looking, perfectly nice woman. I often thought she was too tied into with what my parents were doing as the years went by, but she seemed to want that too.

If she's been groomed to it since birth...

But would you really want that, once you realised what you were missing?

Third hand information. Cut to the chase.

Ask your parent directly 'is it true that [sibling] has been give house plus financial help for'...? It's a reasonable question to ask.

They may confirm or not, explain their rationale or not. But you will be clear and not tying yourself in knots trying to figure it out.

Well, it’s shitty behaviour from your parents. Absolute favouritism.

This is usually done though obviously as they have a favourite but in equal measures for the reaction from the children who are missing out. It’s part crappy nasty treating children differently and part divide and conquer.

You can leave it and have simmering resentment forever …

You can challenge them but that will feed them …..

You can approach the sibling who is benefiting but they likely won’t see sense and share …. Plus they likely will have as much interest in the toxic relationship as they are gaining and will feel superior

It’s rubbish all round and is engineered (usually) by narcissistic parents. May or may not be the case here.

I’ve been in similar situations and after years of utter turmoil and trying all of the above ‘remedies’ I realised that you just have to run away ! Just get away from this type of situation ASAP. It’s wrong but if you don’t you’ll waste so much energy pursuing fairness with people who won’t give in.
Forget them all is what I did !!

Sympathies though it’s really shit

YANBU I would be very hurt, especially as there has been no conversation from your parents to explain things (which might have made all the difference).

It’s possible, given that your sister is child and partner free and likely to remain that way, that they want to secure her future when she is gone knowing that she is unlikely to have anyone to support her. I also know of families where this sort of thing happened in exchange for years of care which actually meant the main family home/assets weren’t spent on care in later years and thus the other siblings did intact inherit more. So, for example, she may be getting this house but no share in your parents home according to their wills. These are all things you can’t know without talking to your parents though.

Most likely (unless you burn bridges over this) she will leave the house/money to her nieces and nephews eventually and so in that sense it will be shared equally for the next generations.

In a much more minor way, there was a danger of this happening in my family. Is one of your parents more likely to be behind this idea? I would also be talking to the other siblings (snubbed and favoured) and the more reasonable parent (if there is one) about the need to treat all children fairly. This really helped in my family's situation. Your youngest sister probably doesn't want to fall out with her siblings, esp if she's unlikely to have her own family.

I think it's a terrible thing to do if she already owns a property.

Just noted that they asked for (the deposits back) from myself, one sister, and not my brother or my sister who is getting this house

Interesting that the ones who got the deposit "for free" were the sister who appears closest to them and is probably expected to be their carer, and the brother who, being a male, may not be expected to do the caring anyway

Sorry, but this definitely sounds like an attempt to bind her to those responsibilities ... I wonder if she'll still consider herself lucky when she finds out just how much work it's likely to be

I agree that its very unfair, blatant favouritism, however this is the standout comment:
My bil was the one gifted a house in my DHs family. It's a poisoned chalice, believe me.
My pils are always there, always commenting, they feel like he owes them. He hates the house, hates how trapped he is,
We had a situation - one child was given the car of an elderly relative. That (modest) car meant that they became the personal chauffeur of said relative, and whatever shop, medical appointment, social event the elderly relative wanted or needed to go to, the benefactor of the car had to drop all arrangements and take them. It really was the poisoned chalice.
Taking this back to your situation, the gift of a house to your sibling is your ticket to freedom of obligation.

It's because you are abroad. My mum was one of 4 the brother (not the eldest) that stayed at home got the land and farm etc and the other three got nothing. That's life. I'll hazard a guess that economically it's better to leave? If so I can't see that you should be jealous that your sister that has stayed has been given something that you have not.

I'm desperately sorry to hear this @canary1 - on the face of it, you do have the right to feel hurt and upset. As you say in one of your answers, you can't imagine doing the same to your kids, as you love them equally.

What I think you don't know (and this is where your parents have failed) is whether they are planning to gift something to you and hte other siblings at a later date. Maybe they (wrongly) think that you are financially sound, and thought you'd be happy to wait to inherit your share of the family home when they die? Maybe also, because that sibling has no children, your parents thought it unfair to leave him/her with nothing till they die, as she/he has no-one to pass it on to, whereas you can pass on any inheritance to your children. I know GPs who do this - they feel that they would like to leave everything to their GC but then if you have one child with no offspring, that's unfair. (It's a debate my siblings are currently having - should we ask our parents to gift some money to the one with no GC now, so that she can enjoy in her lifetime, but let all the other GC inherit the remainder of the GP's estate - there can be tax advantages in some places to skipping generations).

I'm not sure if you want advice, but I'd be tempted to write something along the following lines:

Dear Ma and Pa Canary, Sibling A has told me that you're planning to gift the empty house to Sibling D. I completely understand that it is your property and you are free to do with it as you want, and maybe there are things going on in Sibling D's life that we don't know about.
But hearing this news second hand has really hurt me very deeply. I have never expected to inherit anything from you, or for you to support me financially now that I am an adult, but when I heard that Sibling D is getting £XXX in value from you now, it makes me feel that you love them more than you love Siblings A, B and me. I'm sure that is not your intention, and I know you do love me, but it is very upsetting to see Sibling D getting such an amazing gift when we are working so hard to make ends meet financially.

I love you and all my sibligns a great deal and I will not fall out with them or you over this, but I think I have to let you know how much that this has upset me so that you can understand why I may need some emotional space."

It’s sounds very unfair on the face of it. I would hold fire u til you’re sure there’s not more to it - sibling could be ill, for example?,