1 sibling just given a house

[canary1]

My parents have two houses, one they live in, one has sat empty for many years. The empty house was inherited. I’ve just been told third hand that one of my siblings is to be given it, is moving into it, and in addition, is being financially assisted by my parents to do the work that needs doing to it. It will be her house.
Some may say I’m merely jealous, but of course I’m jealous that one sibling has been this on a plate, while the rest of us work hard to achieve far less.
I also feel it confirms my parents’ hurtful and now blatantly obvious bias towards her.
AIBU to feel hurt and upset by this news?

If their second property has been empty for years, why hasn't the conversation come up about why was that1

DH struggled with decisions MIL made in financially supporting his sister, and not being nearby as well, he believes that made it easier for SIL to convince MIL she had a greater need than she probably should have each time. Ie. coulnd't afford dentures which MIL paid for, but had a picture of a newly purchased motorcycle on her FB page which she was riding about.

So I suggest this is where things are at with your parents and sibling too, and that when you do communicate, you usually keep things cheerful and not wanting to bother your parents, whereas they probably see her warts and all so think she has a greater need.

It doesn't make it right though and I would also suggest that they haven't discussed this openly in the family because they know it would cause upset and they are blocking that aspect of the transaction from their minds. Ostriches with their heads in the sand-type stuff.

What I would suggest is to write to them and do a draft before you send it. You don't need to identify who told you, but chances are if you telephone, you might lose your rag somewhat which is never a great thing when trying to outline the unfairness of a situation.

I wouldn't mind betting as well that one parent will feel agreeable with your position but hasn't been able to do anything about it.

@Mothership4two No one is debating it's not theirs to do what they want with it but when the two people who are supposed to love you unconditionally love another sibling more for reasons you can't control or don't know the reason why is spirit breaking. Try to imagine that

i understand why you would feel hurt. But i think it depends. Maybe try and gain more clarity on it, there might be a logical reaosn behind it . Im the eldest with 2 younger siblings. I am married with my home and child , the middle sibling has her own too and the last one is our younger brother who is living at home. My dad has decided to give the house to our brother so he can live abroad. We are all okay with it as we both have our homes where as your younger brother doesnt. Maybe that is the case with you sibling that got the house ?

@EKGEMS

No one is debating it's not theirs to do what they want with it well yes there has been and even talk about taking legal advice.

when the two people who are supposed to love you unconditionally love another sibling more for reasons you can't control or don't know the reason why is spirit breaking. Try to imagine that If that's what's happening, then it is sad. And again, I totally understand why the OP doesn't feel it is fair and is upset. I was answering the AIBU asked, not a whole lot of issues that it has obviously brought up for pp.

My DM comes from a large family and I have seen the family dynamics, hurts, rivalries and alliances that can go on (even though they are now in their 60s, 70s and 80s!).

@Mantlemoose

It seems unfair but without knowing the full details from your parents you're really shooting in the dark.

I suggested this earlier, but no-one noticed. I think OP should do a search on the land registry website to find out who the property belongs to. Does it still belong to the parents, or has title been transferred to the other daughter?

Why shouldn't they have a favourite. Your sister sounds really close to her parents, enjoys their company and keeps them company. You have moved abroad. Perhaps your sister has developed an emotional dependency on them which has been to the detriment of her forming a close relation ship with anyone else. They probable feel a bit sorry for her too because she has no one else and they want to make sure she is secure. I can understand it. Don't fall out with them over it. You have the more fulfilling life.

I also don't see it as necessary to give equal amounts in money terms to all children. Within reason I would want to help any of my children who were struggling more than those clearly doing well. Those saying you will give equally to all kids regardless think of this scenario. You have two kids. One very successful, house, partner children, secure well paid job. Other minimum wage, insecure job, no partner, never able to afford house on their own. Would you really want to die leaving the less fortunate child living in a shitty area at the mercy of unscrupulous landlords. I'd try to give the rich one something but would want to give the poor one more, say a 75:25 split. I think it would seem like I loved the poor one less if I did not try to help that one more. And I love all my children equally. Want to help them all but will take need into consideration.

I've only read page 1 so please forgive me if this has already been mentioned.

I wonder whether the value of the house the OP's parents actually live in is at least 3 times the value of the property gifted to the one sibling, if it is, I wonder whether the parents think this particular child is currently in greater need than the other 3 and that their "lived in" house will be shared between the 3 in their will, with a note added saying that the 4th child has already had their share.

I am mixed about this. It is very unfair to the other siblings. But at the same time the sibling with the house is also almost certainly the sibling that will be caring for her parents in old age. There are so many people that are just left to deal with the stress and exhaustion of caring for an elderly relative. Who's

siblings are happy to leave them to it but they still expect a fair slice of the pie. I personally think the sibling who is washing, dressing, feeding an elderly often for years. Deserves rewarding.

@DahliaBlue

Why shouldn't they have a favourite. Your sister sounds really close to her parents, enjoys their company and keeps them company. You have moved abroad. Perhaps your sister has developed an emotional dependency on them which has been to the detriment of her forming a close relation ship with anyone else. They probable feel a bit sorry for her too because she has no one else and they want to make sure she is secure. I can understand it. Don't fall out with them over it. You have the more fulfilling life.

It sounds as though the sister is already financially secure but she is around for her parents and they can lean on her if they need to as they get older. When she is old she will only have herself.

None of this means the parents don't love their other children or that they won't receive anything when they die.

The parents need to be honest with the other offspring. As I mentioned earlier, if one sibling is gaining assets/finances from parents, and possibly under false pretenses, then it should be certainly outed.

Go and see your parents and during the visit just wait for the right moment to broach the subject. Just let them talk and see what comes about. I like to believe most parents try to be fair with their children knowing the upset favouritism causes. Maybe you will get a share of parents house when they die.

Canary1, sorry that you’re feeling so angry and hurt by your parents’ actions. Totally understandable. One thought - apologies if it’s been suggested and I missed it….but maybe it’s part of their long term plan so they can sell their home easily to fund care in later years whilst having somewhere to go for the other partner? It is a poisoned chalice for your sister as she has the potential care issues as well as a loss of further family relationships. It sounds as though the sibling relationships were damaged before this anyway so maybe that doesn’t bother her.

Another thought (from personal experience) is that your parents or one of them may feel you have taken away something they feel they rightly deserve ie the opportunity to be involved grandparents, by moving abroad. Maybe this is their payback. It’s sad as I believe you should be pleased to see your kids go off in the world and thrive, and they’ll most likely come back where there is love. If parents resent their kids’ choices and pull stunts like this, it shows that someone is trying to control you in adulthood and sadly, it is controlling your emotions right now. If they’re not happy for you (surely they brought you up to be independent and to have choices and freedom?) then maybe you need to decide if it’s worth having them in your life.
Sadly, this story is not unique in either the money bit or the relationships bit. We don’t choose our family but we can choose how we manage them if they don’t give us what we need from them.
Don’t let this eat you up. If you can’t change the situation you need to distance yourself from it somehow as it will be very damaging for your health. Forget what’s fair and focus on what’s real - your lovely children and your life. Take care 💐xx

Why is the OP being advised not to rock the boat or wreck her relationship with her sister or parents by asking them? She has every right to, as far as I can see it's not the OP causing the rocking here, her parents have given a life changing asset (not just a couple of grand) to one child over all others, the OP has mentioned she's always felt that her parents undervalued her and this has just confirmed it, can other posters HONESTLY say they'd be happy if this happened to them? Probably not..

Whilst I understand the "it's their money/asset they can do as they wish" point of view I'm shocked at how many posters aren't acknowledging the impact this has. It's more than money. It's a tangible measure of value. Since most posters kick off or advise to go NC on posts where parents/PIL buy poster's DC gifts of very obviously different values, I know that this is understood.

Yanbu this happened to my dh!

Its not about the money it's about the skewed view of fairness. His dm even said oh you and x and y all have your own houses it isn't fair z doesn't.

Well DH and x & y all work extremely hard and earnt theirs through building businesses or getting an education and decent job.

Z seems to think the world owed her a living and hasn't done a day's work in her life!! 🤬

DH wasn't ever bothered by it says it is what it is, but it took me many years to get over the anger and I suppose jealousy. It wasn't jealousy for the the financial aspect/object it was the feeling that my dh and subsequently my dc weren't thought of or valued in the same light, the blatant sexism of the fact that z was a girl and was treated differently to brothers, it was the injustice of being a woman who went out and worked hard and still does now my dc have come along and works out my financial priorities to pay for my family and home and have gone without over the years and yet z pleads poverty on one hand then goes out spending on "extras" while mummy pays the important bills....

I could go on but have nothing useful to say, but wanted you to know you're definitely not alone in your hurt

Another thought - she is early 40s. That is not too late to have her own relationship and family! Plenty of people get married in their 40s. She may manage to have kids if her own, become a step mum. Who knows. As someone in their early 40s I am shocked at the idea here that a women in her early 40s has somehow missed the boat in life!

No kids and no mortgage but a roof over your head!! She's free. Be careful of cocklodgers tell her

1. Call your parents and tell them you want to come visit with your family when the rules allow.
2. Ask if you can stay in the empty house during your visit
3. they must now explain why the empty house is no longer available. Try not to say anything. People hate awkward silences so they will give you everything you need to know about why they've done what they did.
4. Decide if this changes how you feel about your parents and what level of contact you want going forward

@WeepingKitten

I am mixed about this. It is very unfair to the other siblings. But at the same time the sibling with the house is also almost certainly the sibling that will be caring for her parents in old age. There are so many people that are just left to deal with the stress and exhaustion of caring for an elderly relative. Who's siblings are happy to leave them to it but they still expect a fair slice of the pie. I personally think the sibling who is washing, dressing, feeding an elderly often for years. Deserves rewarding.

This is not usually the case. I have seen so many situations where the one who does the caring receives nothing , while the one who visits once a year or so was left everything. This is more common than one would expect In the Op’s case we have to get more information before it can be determined that op’s parents were being unfair.

I'd feel the same. However, technically they can do what they want with their property. Maybe she has agreed to take them in in their dotage?

@Mothership4two

I know I am in the minority here, but isn't the OP's parent's stuff theirs and so they can do what they want with it? They may have their reasons that the OP isn't aware of. I totally understand why the OP doesn't feel it is fair and is upset.

I am an only child and find sibling stuff and sibling rivalry hard to get my head around.

How many children do you have? Can you imagine treating them vastly different from each other with no explanation?

It isn't a difficult concept to get your head around. Yes theoretically it's the parents money to do what they want with but it isn't about money it's about self esteem and worth and not playing mind games with people.

So many people are not fit to be parents, not because of physical neglect/abuse etc but the pure fact they're messed up people themselves and they mess with their children subsequently. It is never appropriate to use children as weapons or playthings for their own amusement which sadly many people do.

Sometimes vast differences in treatment between siblings may be justified but an explanation to all parties goes a long way to smoothing feelings, avoiding misunderstandings and resentment.

I know there are difficulties that only children have to face but you have never had to deal with circumstances like this from the two people who are supposed to do the best by you and your siblings. Scenarios like this are perpetuated over years, it's not as simple as a basic "she's got more sweets than me" from early childhood.

@expat101

DH struggled with decisions MIL made in financially supporting his sister, and not being nearby as well, he believes that made it easier for SIL to convince MIL she had a greater need than she probably should have each time. Ie. coulnd't afford dentures which MIL paid for, but had a picture of a newly purchased motorcycle on her FB page which she was riding about.

So I suggest this is where things are at with your parents and sibling too, and that when you do communicate, you usually keep things cheerful and not wanting to bother your parents, whereas they probably see her warts and all so think she has a greater need.

It doesn't make it right though and I would also suggest that they haven't discussed this openly in the family because they know it would cause upset and they are blocking that aspect of the transaction from their minds. Ostriches with their heads in the sand-type stuff.

What I would suggest is to write to them and do a draft before you send it. You don't need to identify who told you, but chances are if you telephone, you might lose your rag somewhat which is never a great thing when trying to outline the unfairness of a situation.

I wouldn't mind betting as well that one parent will feel agreeable with your position but hasn't been able to do anything about it.

This is an excellent point and one I think has played out in both mine and my DH's family.

We are private, we keep our struggles to ourselves my sil and own siblings are more open with their parents which explains some of the difference in treatment we receive. It's one of the things that helped me deal with my own resentment, the fact that I can't blame others for not knowing I've suffered if I haven't told them. It did/does prompt me to remind both DM and mil that just because I and other siblings don't often complain doesn't mean we aren't struggling too.

Sorry I may have missed some details but is this house very close to theirs? It sounds like they're very close to this youngest sibling and probably anticipate that she will help them a lot when they're elderly as she is close to them and has no dependents.
This house has been sitting empty?
I'm just playing devil's advocate here but I wouldn't be too upset I don't think . You possibly won't have any responsibility for them when they're elderly as you live abroad.
You don't know what their will says either... Who knows it's possible that they have left their main house to other 3 children.