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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

1 sibling just given a house

395 replies

canary1 · 20/07/2021 07:40

My parents have two houses, one they live in, one has sat empty for many years. The empty house was inherited. I’ve just been told third hand that one of my siblings is to be given it, is moving into it, and in addition, is being financially assisted by my parents to do the work that needs doing to it. It will be her house.
Some may say I’m merely jealous, but of course I’m jealous that one sibling has been this on a plate, while the rest of us work hard to achieve far less.
I also feel it confirms my parents’ hurtful and now blatantly obvious bias towards her.
AIBU to feel hurt and upset by this news?

OP posts:
IrisTs · 21/07/2021 20:53

I have the other side of the story in my family.
My DM has inherited my GMs small flat and her siblings took her to court for their share.

My DM is the youngest and with her father dying when she was early 20s, she was around the most. In fact her siblings arrived for funeral but haven't lifted a finger to help with anything. My DM married 2 years later, bought a place, had DSis and I. GM decided to sell the old, cold property and buy closer to my DM but didnt have enough so my DM has paid half for the property, with no conditions that she was to get it back ever. It was a gift.
GM had my DM quite late in life so she was getting older. DM did 95% of care with the help from my DF, sis and I. If dinner was cooked and GM didnt want to come over, one of us would pop across the road to drop it off (before we ate, so she had it warm). She needed shopping done, no prob, sorted. Washing, cleaning, hospital appointments, all done by us. DMs brother and sister barely lifted a finger, as did their adult children. One year DMs brother promised to provide xmas food as GM was too old to cook and DM was ill. Rather than taking GM to his for xmas, he has brought her food, put it by the door, rung the bell and left before she even opened the door. DMs sister was no better. That went on for over 20 years. Any improvements to property were paid by GM and my DM, often fixed by my DF. When GM passed, she has naturally left property to my DM but split all jewellery between grandchildren.

Now I think that in my DMs situation, it was more than reasonable for my GM to leave it to her only, especially with the financial input at the start. What's sad is that her siblings have rushed to court as soon as they were notified of the will. It has caused a huge rift in the family, with neighbours being called to testify etc. Luckily they only got 10% each share based on the half paid by my GM and that was it. No that they should have been given anything for their lack of interest in their mother for 30 years.

Rtruth · 21/07/2021 20:55

It’s a tough one. Firstly it’s their choice so you can’t complain. However, Unless there is reason they are helping this sibling more than you others, then I personally think it’s a seemingly unfair decision on their part. I guess it’s a wait and see what they say.

Original poster
canary1 · 21/07/2021 21:01

Idogiveadamn - my sibling didn’t need it more than me. As already explained.

OP posts:
riceuten · 21/07/2021 21:16

You are not being unreasonable, but personally, in this case, I could minimise contact with parents like these.

JohnStonesMissus · 21/07/2021 21:24

@Idogiveadamn

It is their house, they can give it to whoever they choose. And they did. Reasonable or not. The choice was theirs. Parents are human too, and do not always love all of their children equally. Be happy for your sibling, and for the fact that you didn't need it. Don't wreck your relationship with your family over something you did not need. Smile
Are you the sibling?
ItPearl · 21/07/2021 21:28

Blimey, that must hurt. YANBU to be hurt and shocked.

Maggiesfarm · 21/07/2021 21:28

@canary1

Idogiveadamn - my sibling didn’t need it more than me. As already explained.
Things are not always given because the recipient needs them.They are given with love.

You really need to talk to your parents about this so they can explain their reasons. You're not yet sure of the facts anyway. From whom did you hear that your sister had been given the house?

TheSunShinesBrighter · 21/07/2021 21:40

Things are not always given because the recipient needs them.They are given with love.

That’s not going to make the OP feel better is it?! 😳

PerciphonePuma · 21/07/2021 21:45

@Maggiesfarm Things are not always given because the recipient needs them.They are given with love.

ShockShockShock

Are you trying to hurt OP even more?!?!?!

PerciphonePuma · 21/07/2021 21:49

@canary1 OP, your parents are hoping & relying on you not finding out and speaking to them about this and consequently, them never having to try and justify this with you. They have their fingers crossed they can get away without it ever coming to light. I'm really shocked that you're going to allow them this. They owe you & your siblings a full & frank explanation.

harknesswitch · 21/07/2021 22:11

@fightingthefoo do you not think that by doing what you've done, allbeit for the right reasons, your dd who has worked hard and made the positive choices in life is now being punished by you for that?

We'd all like to piss away our younger years without a care in the world, but most of us realise we can't do that and at some poi t have to grow up and be an adult, yet your dd didn't do this, and did what she wanted and she's been rewarded by Mum giving her a free house. She might never have the same earning potential her sibling has, but that was her choice. Your other dd will have given up lots to have a good career but you're not recognising that. I feel sorry for your dd who you didn't give a share of the house to, I'd be gutted I'd worked hard only be given nothing whilst my sibling, who basically via drink and drugs is able to get a mortgage free house.

Queenbee77 · 21/07/2021 22:15

So my mum same....but I think it can be challenged...as in cuttingn you off from inheritance etc.....I would take legal advice.

HoneyNutLoop · 21/07/2021 22:18

Oh gosh, I sympathise.

My father did this 15 years ago. It still hurts.
Huge, Edwardian, 4 bedroom detached house in naice area, with massive garden, employed and then instated as director of the family business after he paid for two degrees neither of which she did anything with, whilst I had to fund my own modest property, a fraction the size of hers, and scrimp and save to pay for additional degree some 12 years later as I was still working for a pittance (after returning from overseas).

I was never told, well in fact I was lied to, she was “just staying there short term” until I asked directly and very politely as I was sick of being treated like a fool and quite frankly the house hurt, but the lies hurt more. Then there was a whole lot of how dare I ask and it’s none of my business and blah blah ie guilt talk.

He’s never met my children, his choice not mine, and I still live in the hope that he will decide to get back in touch and say, “I love you.” Not even “I am sorry.” Or “How are your kids?” Though of course those would be nice.

Ironic really as all he ever said about her was how childish, lacking in empathy, selfish and spoilt she was. Hrm I wonder why.

Note - yes she is a half sibling. My mother died when I was a young teen, and the worst thing of all, I have no idea what happened to my mementos of her or the gifts she bought for me as a child, such as dinner service etc.

Parents are sometimes awful. I’m so sorry that you are feeling this.
I have two children and I could NEVER treat them with such disparity.

Ddot · 21/07/2021 22:32

I feel your pain, its shit when your parents treat siblings differently. I understand that some children need more help than others but a bloody house is taking the piss. I hope it's in the will that the house gets sold when your sis pops off and the cash goes to grandkids.

urkidding · 21/07/2021 22:38

Perhaps they expect the sibling to look after them in their old age and are making sure she has the freedom to do that. I have noticed that as people get older, they think about grown up children choosing to move near to or away from them and feel more vulnerable, it's may not be about equality, they are thinking about their needs.

ScrollingLeaves · 21/07/2021 22:39

“HoneyNutLoop
My mother died when I was a young teen, and the worst thing of all, I have no idea what happened to my mementos of her or the gifts she bought for me as a child, such as dinner service etc. “

That is very sad that your mother died when you were a young teen, and that you have no moments of her. 💐💐💐

What your father did in leaving you out of his largesse while giving so much to your half sister is inexplicable and horrible.

Hertsgirl10 · 21/07/2021 22:40

@Queenbee77

So my mum same....but I think it can be challenged...as in cuttingn you off from inheritance etc.....I would take legal advice.
Lol inheritance isn’t a given birth right ffs.
ScrollingLeaves · 21/07/2021 22:47

“Hertsgirl10

Queenbee77
So my mum same....but I think it can be challenged...as in cuttingn you off from inheritance etc.....I would take legal advice.
Lol inheritance isn’t a given birth right ffs.”

It may be to some extent in some other countries, I think.

trappistkepler · 21/07/2021 22:49

Possibly they are just buttering her up for old age care. Leave them to it and see this as an out for you.

Tzimi · 21/07/2021 23:06

[quote PerciphonePuma]@canary1 OP, your parents are hoping & relying on you not finding out and speaking to them about this and consequently, them never having to try and justify this with you. They have their fingers crossed they can get away without it ever coming to light. I'm really shocked that you're going to allow them this. They owe you & your siblings a full & frank explanation. [/quote]
But you can't keep this sort of thing hidden forever, OP would want to know what happened to the house!

Owl55 · 22/07/2021 00:07

It sounds unfair ! Has your sibling asked or waitho for you to fire the bullets? !!!

Maggiesfarm · 22/07/2021 00:10

@ScrollingLeaves

“Hertsgirl10

Queenbee77
So my mum same....but I think it can be challenged...as in cuttingn you off from inheritance etc.....I would take legal advice.
Lol inheritance isn’t a given birth right ffs.”

It may be to some extent in some other countries, I think.

The op hasn't said she has been disinherited, just that she believes her parents have given a property to one sister. The facts have yet to be established (though I haven't read the latest posts and more may have come to light since earlier).
Maggiesfarm · 22/07/2021 00:11

@trappistkepler

Possibly they are just buttering her up for old age care. Leave them to it and see this as an out for you.
The op doesn't live in the same country as her parents anyway.
Maggiesfarm · 22/07/2021 00:23

[quote PerciphonePuma]**@Maggiesfarm* Things are not always given because the recipient needs them.They are given with love.*

ShockShockShock

Are you trying to hurt OP even more?!?!?![/quote]
No of course not, not for the world, and I doubt the op would be hurt by me anyway, she doesn't know me; however surely gifts should be lovingly given and not dependent on need. Needing something is quite different, eg Mum and Dad bung child some money to tide them over when they are over stretched, need car repaired or whatever. I remember my mum and mum in law doing that for us but sometimes unexpectedly treating us, and our kids (no spare houses involved in our case).

In the op's case, she doesn't know all the facts yet and she may discover that parents have it all covered in their wills. A bit of honest communication is needed here but it's difficult when you don't even live in the same country.

Mothership4two · 22/07/2021 01:15

I know I am in the minority here, but isn't the OP's parent's stuff theirs and so they can do what they want with it? They may have their reasons that the OP isn't aware of. I totally understand why the OP doesn't feel it is fair and is upset.

I am an only child and find sibling stuff and sibling rivalry hard to get my head around.