1 sibling just given a house

[canary1]

My parents have two houses, one they live in, one has sat empty for many years. The empty house was inherited. I’ve just been told third hand that one of my siblings is to be given it, is moving into it, and in addition, is being financially assisted by my parents to do the work that needs doing to it. It will be her house.
Some may say I’m merely jealous, but of course I’m jealous that one sibling has been this on a plate, while the rest of us work hard to achieve far less.
I also feel it confirms my parents’ hurtful and now blatantly obvious bias towards her.
AIBU to feel hurt and upset by this news?

I’m sad for you! How awful. I’d feel the exact same if I were you. I guess you won’t know the full reasoning why until you speak to them but like you, I’d not have the energy to approach them just yet

OP please nip this in the bud quickly. Call your parents and tell them what you have heard. Find out if it’s true and what the situation is.
My parents have my sibling a house, some everything for her.
I know it’s hard and it cuts deep.
It’s ruined our relationship.
Confront them and ask what you are getting. Don’t be afraid to ask.
Sadly things like this destroy families

I wonder if it's her inheritance and there is enough for you and the other siblings once your parents due to equal the house value?

Are parents of ‘sound mind’..? (Sorry to ask) x if not, please speak with a Solicitor ASAP.

I haven’t read every reply so this may be a question that another member has asked.

Could your parents have been coerced into this...?

The reason I ask this is that eliminating all of the possibilities that led to this absolutely dreadful situation obviously needs to be explored but I totally understand your position and enormous upset x

I really hope you can get some answers and resolve the situation so you, your other sibling and your family are similarly gifted.

Thinking of you

Are your parents elderly, because if they are, the ‘gift’ may be viewed by social services as deliberate disposal of assets, in the event that either of them need full time care.

Perhaps she will leave it to her nieces or nephews in her will?

It seems unfair but without knowing the full details from your parents you're really shooting in the dark.

DH got nothing whilst his sister got a £10k house deposit and all her wedding paid for.
They're well off. We got zero contribution.
I think far far less of them and will be expecting the money they've 'saved' from not being fair to DH to buy in lots of care for themselves as they age.

@Bluetoybear

If its true then you know who is doing the caring for your parents in old age.... So unfair and I would be hurt and upset... Selfish parents cause trouble amongst their children once they are no longer here by doing things like this..

I suppose the annoying thing for some people is that the child doing the caring is not usually the Golden Child. The Golden Child is not often expected to take on the caring responsibilities, yet they enjoy the financial benefits

Don't know how old your parents are but God forbid if your parents ever needed to go in a care home this giving away of a house could be construed as a deprivation of assets to avoid care fees and factored into the financial assessment.

@pam290358

Are your parents elderly, because if they are, the ‘gift’ may be viewed by social services as deliberate disposal of assets, in the event that either of them need full time care.

Correct and I just posted similar to you as skim read this topic.

@WeatherForecast

Going against the grain here to say YABU, on a few levels.

I've been in a similar situation being given £2000 while a sibling received ten times that amount, won't bore you with the details.

I think it's telling that this sibling is the only one who isn't a homeowner, and hasn't formed a steady relationship. I don't know if those two facts are linked in her situation, but it's far, far easier to get a mortgage when there are two of you to contribute a deposit, pay the mortgage, contribute to upkeep, and shoulder problems like redundancy that may befall any of us. If the rest of you have got partners and bought homes then it makes sense why if your parents wanted to give the property to one of you they'd choose her. A way of helping her to get on equal footing with the rest of you despite not having had the fortune to meet a partner like the rest of you have.

Secondly, I do think YABU to feel as though you have any right or claim over someone else's property. It comes across a bit like you feel as though it should have been yours or partly yours and now you're upset because it's been taken away from you. It was never yours, you and your parents are separate people and it's their home to do what they want with. Even if their choices don't make sense to you (or don't benefit you as much as you'd like them to).

'The rest of us work far harder to end up with a lot less' is a really horrible attitude to have. I worked hard to lift myself out of poverty and become a homeowner but that doesn't mean that outcome didn't also materialise due to a lot of privilege too. Meeting a partner is a major thing that not everyone is lucky enough to do. Being a homeowner (including with a mortgage, even if you don't own outright) is absolutely huge and something many people dream of but will never have. Your sister has I assume been paying rent for years while you pay towards buying your property, that doesn't make either of you more or less hard workers (you said yourself she has a career!).

What's fair isn't necessarily giving the precise same thing to every single child, and your parents have made their decision because they want your sister to have the home, not any of the rest of you. And that's down to them. If you allow something like this to ruin your relationship with them then I think you'll really regret it, there's no real way you can approach this with them without it seeming preposterous and entitled (imagine a grown adult crying to their parents because of what they've decided to do with a house they own, while being a homeowner themselves!).

I know you're coming across really bitter and quite nasty but I hope that's the shock talking and that once you've calmed down and processed it a bit you'll realise how unreasonable you're being here. I would hate to see it destroy your family relationships, but you do what you gotta do.

Sorry I totally disagree and I was the favourite. It should be split equally between all the siblings but i suspect its tied in to her caring for your parents when they are older as single & near by but it must sting. At least your years will be your own when your parents grow old!? xxx

[Presumably both daughters were given the same start in life but you're rewarding the one who made all the wrong choices and punishing the one who's worked her arse off her whole life.]

As we say in Ireland, where there’s a will there’s a war.

Having witnessed the fallout of many wills my parents have split everything equally between us. My Dad is now gone. My brother and I are executors. I was looking over the will with my mother a few years back. As my brother got the family business outright, the house will be split between the other 3. For some strange reason almost everything else was to be split between just 3 of us. There was no way I was going to fall out with my brother over an extra few bob in my pocket. My mother changed her will, everything after the house is now split 4 ways. There will be no resentment

On the other hand my ILs, who also have 4 children (My Dh being the oldest and most successful), who were all given the same start in life. Informed us last weekend that they are giving the house to the youngest (he’s already been given the business) so the second youngest (alcoholic) has a home when she’s gone. Because ‘ye are fine and have a house).

My Dh is fine with it. We are made from different cloth. I’m not surprised, but think it is so unfair. Not at the money but at the total lack of thought for 2 of her children. Especially the one who is not local.

We need to make our will. There will be no favoritism.

Weatherforecast has the facts wrong. That sibling has a home already. Was helped with deposit, but unlike me, wasn’t asked to pay it back. And is now given this empty property in addition. Outright.

And I wouldn’t be ‘crying to my parents’ as weatherforecast put it. I’m just hurt by their favoritism towards one of their children.

It may seem unfair and on the face of it I would also be upset, but perhaps the house they are living in will be willed too you when they unfortunately die and this is just away for them to divide their property between you both, and if the house is empty it will only be deteriorate

That's crap OP, really really crap, when parents do this it's rarely about the money as such, it's almost like a confirmation that you never meant that much to them, unlike the other child and that stings, it really hurts, I don't care what anyone else says it's awful, is the house she inherited in the UK?

Of course YANBU. Some parents are arses. My DB is the favoured one (feeling sorry for him being a bit useless at life) but at least when he is given a handout, we all get one.

I guess you won't feel under so much pressure to jet back to see them and they'd better hope that favoured sibling will look after them in their dotage as I'm sure you won't want to be involved.

Could it be that because she doesn’t have children and you, your siblings, grandchildren and great grandchildren will all inherit quite a lot between you and maybe it will work out even? I don’t know if it can be that but maybe your parents see it like that? If she had kids they would have a chunk of money too.

Do you get on with this sibling?

Establish the full facts first. Then if it really is as bad as it sounds confront them and ask them what their justification is. How would they feel in your position? I don’t think I could move on from something like this to be honest. You must be feeling really hurt.

@WhatWillSantaBring

I'm desperately sorry to hear this *@canary1* - on the face of it, you do have the right to feel hurt and upset. As you say in one of your answers, you can't imagine doing the same to your kids, as you love them equally.

What I think you don't know (and this is where your parents have failed) is whether they are planning to gift something to you and hte other siblings at a later date. Maybe they (wrongly) think that you are financially sound, and thought you'd be happy to wait to inherit your share of the family home when they die? Maybe also, because that sibling has no children, your parents thought it unfair to leave him/her with nothing till they die, as she/he has no-one to pass it on to, whereas you can pass on any inheritance to your children. I know GPs who do this - they feel that they would like to leave everything to their GC but then if you have one child with no offspring, that's unfair. (It's a debate my siblings are currently having - should we ask our parents to gift some money to the one with no GC now, so that she can enjoy in her lifetime, but let all the other GC inherit the remainder of the GP's estate - there can be tax advantages in some places to skipping generations).

I'm not sure if you want advice, but I'd be tempted to write something along the following lines:

Dear Ma and Pa Canary, Sibling A has told me that you're planning to gift the empty house to Sibling D. I completely understand that it is your property and you are free to do with it as you want, and maybe there are things going on in Sibling D's life that we don't know about.
But hearing this news second hand has really hurt me very deeply. I have never expected to inherit anything from you, or for you to support me financially now that I am an adult, but when I heard that Sibling D is getting £XXX in value from you now, it makes me feel that you love them more than you love Siblings A, B and me. I'm sure that is not your intention, and I know you do love me, but it is very upsetting to see Sibling D getting such an amazing gift when we are working so hard to make ends meet financially.

I love you and all my sibligns a great deal and I will not fall out with them or you over this, but I think I have to let you know how much that this has upset me so that you can understand why I may need some emotional space."

That is awesome advice xxx

Yes JohnStoneMissus that’s exactly it. I’m sure I always meant less to one of my parents, and this confirms I meant less to both.

You can look the house up online on the land registry to see who it belongs to. It costs about £12, I think to do a search.

Wow can’t blame you for being hurt and upset,I truly don’t understand parents who don’t treat their children equally.
If they have made equal financial provision for you and the other snubbed siblings then that’s ok but I guess that would mean they are very wealthy and as you’ve not been informed there seems to be something nasty and underhand here.
I am sorry to hear of your predicament.

It is their house, they can give it to whoever they choose. And they did. Reasonable or not. The choice was theirs. Parents are human too, and do not always love all of their children equally. Be happy for your sibling, and for the fact that you didn't need it. Don't wreck your relationship with your family over something you did not need.