1 sibling just given a house

[canary1]

My parents have two houses, one they live in, one has sat empty for many years. The empty house was inherited. I’ve just been told third hand that one of my siblings is to be given it, is moving into it, and in addition, is being financially assisted by my parents to do the work that needs doing to it. It will be her house.
Some may say I’m merely jealous, but of course I’m jealous that one sibling has been this on a plate, while the rest of us work hard to achieve far less.
I also feel it confirms my parents’ hurtful and now blatantly obvious bias towards her.
AIBU to feel hurt and upset by this news?

Of course the tables can turn sometimes.The successful become significantly less successful.

I don't agree with leaving differing amounts of money to children, depending on their circumstances, because life can spin on a dime.

My son had a 4 year long, very serious relationship with a young woman, who was the child of a multi millionaire. They planned to get married and have kids. They would have been gifted a house and money. At this point my daughter was single and didn't have much money. Son's relationship went wrong, they split up. Daughter is now in a better job, with a Partner and has £20k in savings.

Once upon a time, I had a huge house, over £100k in shares & nice cars. My sister at that time was single, in a 2 bed tiny house with nothing to her name. In the here and now, for many reasons, such as divorce on my side and a windfall on hers, she has a house worth £500k with no mortgage, and my house is worth half of that with still 7 years mortgage to go. A few years in the future tho, and my DH is set to inherit a huge sum, so the tables will be turned again. This is why inheritance should just be split down the middle, imo. I will never treat my children differently.

DrSbaitso have no doubt that the sister has likely watched her addicted sister behave dreadfully over the years. She is only 5 yrs clean and in her 40s. That’s a long time as an addict, she has seen her mother having to look after her grandson too during this time. Addicts can be truly horrendous , stealing, abusive etc etc.: So I can see why the sister here wouldn’t help her. I am glad she has done well for herself as her mother has supported her other sister and continues to do so is and is out on her own.

They will presumably give you the equivalent. She may be paying them rent/a mortgage of sorts.

It depends. If that sibling is struggling more than the rest and things will be made equal in the Will, then it may be reasonable that your parents took this step. It would have been better if they had told all siblings this though.

Do as the ladies on here suggested and ask if it’s true.
Families are different - I have one sibling I adore and honestly I don’t care if she gets the house, or anything else. I might actually insist she does. She does all the running around for them,( I live abroad) she is also on her own so I can see why they would given her preferential treatment, earns less etc in comparison. Could it be something like this?

Unfortunately this happens.. it is very upsetting when there is clearly the favorite child. Happened to me also. Not with a house but I was told if I wanted to go uni, I had to pay everything myself. I moved out, got part time jobs etc to pay for rent and linving costs (not in UK). When it was time to go to uni for my 2 years younder brother he stayed at home, no rent, no living costs and parents paid for his private uni tuition..
now he still lives close to them, had lots of help from them getting his own house, lots of child care help, family trips paid etc.
I live in the UK now and my parents came to visit once in 11 years.
Now I am pregnant I know how much help I can expect from them… but for sure I know I won’t bw the one caring for them later in their life..

DH is in a similar situation. MIL gifted an inherited flat to his younger sister. DH only found out because he figured it out from a conversation with his mother. There are also two older siblings who have missed out.

Maybe it’s a bribe so she looks after them in their old age

Is the sibling in need, less well off?
If one child needs more help than the others and the parent can help while they are alive, I don’t see why they won’t do that? I would expect the will to however be done so each one inherits an equal amount.

This happened in my family. Tore the siblings apart. Two have never spoken to each other since. Parent thought he was looking after the most vulnerable one. Others were all fine in life - according to him. If they were leaving just £100 and gave £90 to one and remainder to others, it would still make you feel, did they love me less?

@canary1

I’m not keen on speaking to them at all, as it’s a huge thing they actively chose not to mention n our many telephone and video calls. They and my sister chose to neglect to mention it! I’ve little interest in communicating with any of them any time soon.

Then how can you be absolutely certain it's really happenjng?! Seems outrageous! I'd be devastated.

Maybe casually ask if you could staycation there as covid scuppered travel plans, see what they say?

Yes I would feel very upset as well .

And even if there is a balancing out in that the rest of you inherit their current house - or even if there is something else written in their will this is an awful way for you to find out . Of course its their money but I think they all of you an explanation . Not for you to find out like this .

You HAVE achieved something though.

Your sister has had it handed to her on a plate…so, it’s not really achieving anything if it’s just been handed to her

OP, I feel your pain 100%, I started a AIBU thread a few months back. I'm struggling to save for my first flat, work silly hours, I'm single, so no partner, and self-employed in an industry screwed by Covid so it's been a struggle. My little sister who has a steady job, a pension, a husband (also with steady job etc) who lives in a mortgage free massive 4-bedroom house and who lives an extravagant lifestyle (expensive holidays, hotels etc) was given 10k by our mother so she could sell her second home to make a profit whilst house prices shot up. My mother had previously told me repeatedly she had no money spare and couldn't help me with buying a place, not even a loan.

General consensus of everyone on here was, severe ties. I have done. I'm still raging about it now but f**k them.

Anyway, it's horrible, unfair, toxic behaviour and you are right to be angry and upset and I'm sorry you've had to go through it too.

I've had a similar situation with my brother. He has made some fairly poor life choices including emigrating which didn't work out. While living abroad he moved house 5 times in 4 years and each time my parents helped him out with deposits etc. They also frequently paid for his flights home for Christmas or holidays. He is in his 30s and working but when my parents ask what he'd like for gifts he'll always say something ridiculously expensive that costs 100s or 1000s. I also found out recently that they bought him his first car. He has since moved home to live in the family home and my parents want to put a clause in their will that will mean that when they die he can live in the family home for as long as he needs to. While it will ultimately belong to us both, I won't be able to sell it as long as he's living in it.
My husband and I both have good jobs and don't struggle financially so my parents have never felt the need to help us in this way. All they see is one child who needs more than the other. It's more equity than equality with them. But I think my brother takes advantage big time and that's the bit that drives me insane.

It could be that they’re leaving their current home to you and your other siblings. Is the house they live in worth more than the other empty house they were given? Perhaps they saw the empty home as a way to assist your sister onto the property ladder. My Dad did something similar with my brother. Gifting him a large fraction of inheritance from my grandparents. He was not in a relationship at the time and not in a good living situation whereas I was married (We did not own a property at the time though). I got a rather small sum of money from my by way of my grandparents that put me through university (it paid for childcare). DB is married now and remains in the property he managed to purchase with DF help. Me and DH had to get there on our own. DF will also leave 60%+ of the value of his property to DB as he’s the one living locally to DF helping him and I live abroad. What’s left will likely end up going on DF care. It is a little bit upsetting but I’ll get over it. DB can be his carer!

Without speaking with your parents or the sibling concerned @canary1 how can you be absolutely certain that the sibling has been given the property and has not purchased it from your parents?

Without speaking to them you can't know their reasons for treating you (all siblings) apparently differently.

I'm also suspecting that if they had gifted you the house there would be a thread along the lines of 'my parents are bribing me to move back near them' or some such - the way you're talking about the hassle of visiting suggests you don't actually like them much?

‘I think people always like to see their own position as due to their hard work rather than also involving sheer luck and others' struggles as being their own fault for not working hard enough.’

This. It’s true.

Maybe the house they are living in is worth far more and will be split between the remaining three?
My mil’s house will go up 1sibling - she’s told us that we and DH’d other sibling are fine but that her youngest needs a home if her own as she rents and it will all go to her. Quite a substantial 3 bed detached in Kent.
I think it’s awful but DH shrugs it off as the youngest has always been the favourite and he earns well so doesn’t care. I care. It’s the principal, as you say op, I’d never do that to my children.

This happened to my DH - in a round about way. A total farce of his DS "buying" the property (for a nominal sum which was subsequently given back to enable renovations). We're over it now. Really.

Parents should treat kids equally and not differentiate on the basis of need. Circumstances change. I have a friend who was like the sister in this scenario, long term single whilst her sibling, married with kids l, seemed much better off and more settled. My friend is now marrying a multi millionaire so if their parents had done same as OP’s it would have been very unfair indeed..,.

@WeatherForecast

Going against the grain here to say YABU, on a few levels.

I've been in a similar situation being given £2000 while a sibling received ten times that amount, won't bore you with the details.

I think it's telling that this sibling is the only one who isn't a homeowner, and hasn't formed a steady relationship. I don't know if those two facts are linked in her situation, but it's far, far easier to get a mortgage when there are two of you to contribute a deposit, pay the mortgage, contribute to upkeep, and shoulder problems like redundancy that may befall any of us. If the rest of you have got partners and bought homes then it makes sense why if your parents wanted to give the property to one of you they'd choose her. A way of helping her to get on equal footing with the rest of you despite not having had the fortune to meet a partner like the rest of you have.

Secondly, I do think YABU to feel as though you have any right or claim over someone else's property. It comes across a bit like you feel as though it should have been yours or partly yours and now you're upset because it's been taken away from you. It was never yours, you and your parents are separate people and it's their home to do what they want with. Even if their choices don't make sense to you (or don't benefit you as much as you'd like them to).

'The rest of us work far harder to end up with a lot less' is a really horrible attitude to have. I worked hard to lift myself out of poverty and become a homeowner but that doesn't mean that outcome didn't also materialise due to a lot of privilege too. Meeting a partner is a major thing that not everyone is lucky enough to do. Being a homeowner (including with a mortgage, even if you don't own outright) is absolutely huge and something many people dream of but will never have. Your sister has I assume been paying rent for years while you pay towards buying your property, that doesn't make either of you more or less hard workers (you said yourself she has a career!).

What's fair isn't necessarily giving the precise same thing to every single child, and your parents have made their decision because they want your sister to have the home, not any of the rest of you. And that's down to them. If you allow something like this to ruin your relationship with them then I think you'll really regret it, there's no real way you can approach this with them without it seeming preposterous and entitled (imagine a grown adult crying to their parents because of what they've decided to do with a house they own, while being a homeowner themselves!).

I know you're coming across really bitter and quite nasty but I hope that's the shock talking and that once you've calmed down and processed it a bit you'll realise how unreasonable you're being here. I would hate to see it destroy your family relationships, but you do what you gotta do.

I don’t think she sounds bitter or nasty, you do a bit though.

I’ve often had this discussion with my parents. They have always said that any inheritance will be split 3 ways regardless of our circumstances. They gave us all equal treatment and opportunities in life so if any one of us f’s up that’s our problem. They won’t give us any share of the ones that didn’t F up! I made a mess of my life early on and got into an abusive marriage which left me penniless after nearly 20 years together. My Brother and sister have made successes of their lives and are quite wealthy. I would never expect a bigger share of any inheritance at the expense of my siblings because I made bad choices. That’s on me. I worked my way back from the brink and am now comfortably off.

I cannot see a single valid reason for the favouritism of your sibling. In your shoes I would be beyond hurt. Of course it’s you’re mother’s money to do with what she chooses but it also tells you what you mean to her. I don’t think I could bring myself to speak to them again no matter what their ‘reasons’. It’s unforgivable.

If its true then you know who is doing the caring for your parents in old age.... So unfair and I would be hurt and upset... Selfish parents cause trouble amongst their children once they are no longer here by doing things like this..