To involve strangers in a meal train?

[ChockaChick]

Just moved house and just had a baby…. We’ve briefly met the neighbours on either side and they seem perfectly pleasant. HV has suggested starting a meal train in the road. Yet I really don’t think I’d feel comfortable asking strangers to cook for us. Surely that’s something you organise amongst friends and family, not new neighbours you’ve not met yet? I’d think it a bit cheeky tbh if I got a demand for food from some unknown newbie. AIBU?

@FightingtheFoo

I cannot roll my eyes hard enough at all the women coming on here going "well I birthed sextuplets, lost 8 pints of blood and had my arm chopped off and still got straight off the operating table to cook a Cordon Bleu meal for 30 people."

Ever stop to think not everyone feels the same when having just given birth? And not everyone's babies are the same? And that hearing about your performative heroism isn't helpful. Or necessary.

I've heard of meal trains - yes, even in the Uk - and think it's a lovely, community thing especially now we live in a world where most people are not living near their family.

But agree it's better when organised by someone on your behalf.

Health Visitors do not usually visit until after the midwives have discharged the mother. Typically after 10 days, but can be later if need be. HV are therefore not usually involved until the mother is physically recovered from the immediate effects of birth. Before you all pile on, this can vary!

However, the point I wish to make is that at the point of first contact from a HV most mothers might be knackered with sore tits but they are physically over the worst. And should be being supported by their partners.

This doesn't of course exclude PND which HV should be looking out for and offering support and intervention is needed.

Rallying round anyone who is struggling, regardless of the reason is of course a good thing.

@FightingtheFoo

I cannot roll my eyes hard enough at all the women coming on here going "well I birthed sextuplets, lost 8 pints of blood and had my arm chopped off and still got straight off the operating table to cook a Cordon Bleu meal for 30 people."

Ever stop to think not everyone feels the same when having just given birth? And not everyone's babies are the same? And that hearing about your performative heroism isn't helpful. Or necessary.

I've heard of meal trains - yes, even in the Uk - and think it's a lovely, community thing especially now we live in a world where most people are not living near their family.

But agree it's better when organised by someone on your behalf.

But that’s the point. Illness is without a doubt stressful and a strain on the family 100% of the time. Not with giving birth. It depends. Also I just admit that the phrase meal train annoys me for some reason 😂

*FightingtheFoo

I cannot roll my eyes hard enough at all the women coming on here going "well I birthed sextuplets, lost 8 pints of blood and had my arm chopped off and still got straight off the operating table to cook a Cordon Bleu meal for 30 people."

Ever stop to think not everyone feels the same when having just given birth? And not everyone's babies are the same? And that hearing about your performative heroism isn't helpful. Or necessary.

I've heard of meal trains - yes, even in the Uk - and think it's a lovely, community thing especially now we live in a world where most people are not living near their family.

But agree it's better when organised by someone on your behalf.*

The vast majority of us on this this have had babies. We have friends who have had babies. We know what it's like, and that there is a range of experiences.

It doesn't stop it being very precious thinking to want strangers (with their own children, busy lives and jobs often) to cook for you just because you have a baby, barring special circumstances (I know the OP didn't).

They aren't the first people to have a baby.

And frankly, two parents, one immmobile (but possibly grumpy) baby and at least one parent on leave should be able to manage to bung something in the oven. and if not, how in earth will they manage also doing nursery runs, going back to work and likely still night wakings, with a child that can get themselves into danger, in a year's time

I suppose it's a really good way of assessing how to respond to your HV's advice

1. smile
2. nod
3. ignore

It’s a lovely thing for friends, family or a community to organise when someone is in real need of support.

A friend of mine set up her own one after her DC was born. I found that a bit cheeky. She has a DH who had plenty of leave and they live in the city centre 2 mins from a supermarket, there are takeaways nearby, etc. No special circumstances, just a bit PFB.

@ChaToilLeam

It’s a lovely thing for friends, family or a community to organise when someone is in real need of support.

A friend of mine set up her own one after her DC was born. I found that a bit cheeky. She has a DH who had plenty of leave and they live in the city centre 2 mins from a supermarket, there are takeaways nearby, etc. No special circumstances, just a bit PFB.

That's really terrible.

@ChaToilLeam

It’s a lovely thing for friends, family or a community to organise when someone is in real need of support.

A friend of mine set up her own one after her DC was born. I found that a bit cheeky. She has a DH who had plenty of leave and they live in the city centre 2 mins from a supermarket, there are takeaways nearby, etc. No special circumstances, just a bit PFB.

How to make friwnds run for mountains 101

Maybe but the one thing I have found in my 12 years of parenting is that some people are very very good at getting others to do things for them.

It's also common In UK and always has been. But those who cook for neighbours in need, bring meals and offer practical help do so independently and completely voluntarily, without being asked or joining a website timetable etc.

yes but it isn't much use if every neighbour or friend drops over dinner on the same day. When my eldest was in daycare another mother had a stroke and was unable to use her right hand. it was a very stressful time for her and her family. so someone asked if they would like help with dinners and they said yes please. a sheet was left at the front desk where you could sign up for a dinner - think it was 2 days a week for 6 weeks of her initial recovery. That made far more sense than everyone dropping off food as they thought of it.

From the op, it appears that none of the potential donors are friends or even neighbours in anything but the "live in close proximity" sense.
She's just moved in and these people are complete strangers.
It's a bizarre way to introduce yourself to the neighbourhood.

@BlueLobelia

Maybe but the one thing I have found in my 12 years of parenting is that some people are very very good at getting others to do things for them.

Ain't that the truth!

I really really really do not believe the HV gave this advice.

Either, as a PP said earlier, she was musing generally that meal trains were great in areas where this was a cultural norm.

Or, the OP has made this up as their first post.

FightingtheFoo

I cannot roll my eyes hard enough at all the women coming on here going "well I birthed sextuplets, lost 8 pints of blood and had my arm chopped off and still got straight off the operating table to cook a Cordon Bleu meal for 30 people."

Ever stop to think not everyone feels the same when having just given birth? And not everyone's babies are the same? And that hearing about your performative heroism isn't helpful. Or necessary.

I've heard of meal trains - yes, even in the Uk - and think it's a lovely, community thing especially now we live in a world where most people are not living near their family.

But agree it's better when organised by someone on your behalf.

I think we are in the minority!
People at church did this for me when I had "just" given birth to a baby (no complications, and 1 other toddler at home and a DH who is very good at cooking) and I dont feel a CF about it. It helped me out when I found things difficult. No one would have been forced to cook a meal, people signed up voluntarily, just as I did when other meal rotas (I've never heard the expression meal train before) were set up for all manner of reasons, for other people. Once I just picked up a meal in the supermarket for a friend when she was having a difficult time.

To me I see this sort of thing as a give and take type thing. I received meals, I've also provided meals. In the same way my friends have stepped in and picked up my DC when I was running late for school pick up, and i have done the same or had their DC on a different occassion. I speak to most of my neighbours. Sometimes they take in parcels for me, other times i take parcels for them. If they have visitors they might ask if they can use space on my drive. We feed each others pets while the other is on holiday . And all manner of other outrageously unmumsnetty things!

Because, depending on the formality, they can be very scheduled, and they're mostly supposed to refer to a period of transition.

^

I can imagine this advice being given

I’m really struggling I can’t get to the shops or get a delivery. I can’t put her down, I’m exhausted and I’m not eating

Can’t your partner help, no he’s not on th scene or a piece of shit

Any family, friends

No, I’ve no one, please help me, what can I do, I need to eat, I’ve no food, no money, I can’t get out.

Maybe your neighbours could help, start a meal train?

Oh god no if my neighbour asked me to cook for her because she chose to have a baby I'd hate her forever.

If I'd lived next door to single mum Susan for 10 years who had just had twins and I actually really liked her I make take her something. what an odd thing to ask 😂

That would be so cringey to ask strangers to cook you dinner! Stock up on good quality ready meals, I like Cook meals.

Might**

Sometimes they take in parcels for me, other times i take parcels for them. If they have visitors they might ask if they can use space on my drive. We feed each others pets while the other is on holiday . And all manner of other outrageously unmumsnetty things!
Nothing outrageous about any of that, it's perfectly normal for people who know each other. Op knows none of them. Most of them she hasn't even met.

Can you really not see the difference?

@GreyhoundG1rl

Yes I see the difference but a lot of posts on this thread think its cheeky fuckery to accept meals (from anyone) when all you've done is have a baby.
Although I've taken part as a recipient and a participant in meal totals I do think it would be weird to initiate, let alone as your opening conversation starter to new neighbours!
But lots of posters are saying the whole "meals for new parents" is outrageous, because they are apparently not needy enough.

And a lot of MN in general, appear to baulk at the idea of having to speak to, answer the door for, or have anything to do with their neighbours even mostly they aren't about to ask you to supply them with meals

Yes I see the difference but a lot of posts on this thread think its cheeky fuckery to accept meals (from anyone) when all you've done is have a baby.
No. To ask for, not accept. Crucial difference.

Nobody accepting a friend's kindly meant gesture was labelled a cheeky fucker, ever.

@LemonRoses

I think its fine and perfectly normal if someone is very elderly and needs support, has a major event such as a partner in intensive care or someone is recovering alone from major surgery.

I can't begin to imagine why someone who has a baby would need it.

Then you must have an extremely defunct imagination.

@ChaToilLeam

It’s a lovely thing for friends, family or a community to organise when someone is in real need of support.

A friend of mine set up her own one after her DC was born. I found that a bit cheeky. She has a DH who had plenty of leave and they live in the city centre 2 mins from a supermarket, there are takeaways nearby, etc. No special circumstances, just a bit PFB.

Maybe she had a HV who'd been on the same course!

Seriously I think it's really cheeky.

I can get it in days of old the church rallying round a new mum, when many women were SAHMs and had time on their hands, almost welcoming that new mum into the SAHM community. And that new mum will one day be expected to pass on the favour.

But to try and organise it yourself amongst neighbours you barely know, with no idea of what else they have going on in their life's. Can they even afford to donate dinner to another couple because they asked?
Serious CF territory.

Buy a ready meal, keep your neighbours on side for the day you really need someone to hold your hand, while your toddler has knocked themselves out, or has blood pouring out them or their finger hanging off!

All real incidents when neighbours have been complete God sends.

You can't start one for yourself!

My church do this when someone is ill / has a baby etc. I really appreciated it after I had my children and always contribute.