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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't work out if I'm being left out or not

145 replies

winteroversummer · 19/07/2021 23:17

It's my husbands 30th soon, I've organised a get together in a pub garden in the afternoon, in the city that we live with drinks and snacks. We have organised it in the afternoon as we have two young children, and there will be a few other young children at the event, too.

Most people are getting the train home on the same day, but a handful of our closet friends are staying over night.

I've suggested we go back to our house after the 'party', I can put dc to bed and we can all have a few drinks and order some food in.

DH says he would prefer to go out to a restaurant and then a bar with our friends. This means I wouldn't be able to attend as I'd have to go and take the DC to bed.

I have said that is fine and I'll book somewhere lovely for them to eat and drink, which I've just done, but can't help feeling a bit left out. If it were the other way round I know I'd have included DH in the whole day. It's not like it's his guy friends staying over, either, one couple, two of our best female friends, and an old male school mate, if that makes any difference.

What do you think?

Should add- babysitter out of the question as we are moving to this city one week before the celebration- DC will be in our room whilst theirs is getting sorted, and I don't feel comfortable leaving them with a babysitter that they, and I, don't know x

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 19/07/2021 23:21

Well I wouldn't book it for him, let him sort it out for himself.

I'd feel left out too op.

BackforGood · 19/07/2021 23:22

That does seem a bit off..
Wouldn't the other folk who are staying think it strange too ?
If I were your longstanding mate, I would speak up and suggest getting a takeaway at home with you

BrieAndChilli · 19/07/2021 23:23

Would any of the other people with lids take yours for the night? You can then have a nice night out while they have a sleepover

Original poster
winteroversummer · 19/07/2021 23:25

The others with kids both have trains home on the same day, unfortunately. Yes, I do think our friends will find it strange that I'm going home

OP posts:
Original poster
winteroversummer · 19/07/2021 23:25

Also sorry should have added my youngest dc is still breast feeding in the night - I haven't done a night away from him yet

OP posts:
plodalong12 · 19/07/2021 23:26

YANBU. It’s his 30th, so considered a milestone birthday, but you are married and also have children. If you didn’t have children and it was just a case of you not wanting to go to where he wanted you would BU. Aren’t your mutual friends going to find it weird and ask your husband why he isn’t celebrating his birthday with his wife?

In this situation I would propose having the entire celebration at yours as his birthday but also a chance for your friends to see the new house with the provision that you’ll do his “big” celebration a few weeks later, when you have had chance to settle in and have found a reliable babysitter. I guess with the freedom day people just want to get out now though.

How long have you been married?

Winemewhynot · 19/07/2021 23:26

Would not be happy with that at all. Fair enough if it was a boys night but in a mixed sex group of mutual friends I think you should be included.

Winniewonka · 19/07/2021 23:29

It's incredibly selfish of your husband not to want to include you on his birthday evening out. Surely his friends will ask why aren't you coming to the restaurant with them.
I think you should tell him how you are really feeling rather than saying it's fine. Say what you have posted here that you feel left out and it's not fair that you should be left at home babysitting whilst others celebrate his special day. You're his wife, not the hired help!
He should reconsider your offer of everyone back to yours unless he can provide a suitable babysitter.
Hope he sees how unreasonable this situation is for you.

Original poster
winteroversummer · 19/07/2021 23:29

Married two years

OP posts:
MittensOnKittens03 · 19/07/2021 23:31

Really odd and I’m surprised your friends feel comfortable excluding you.
Whilst I appreciate he wants to celebrate, leaving his wife stuck at home whilst he goes out with mutual friends for a meal just sounds bizarre Confused

NormanStangerson · 19/07/2021 23:33

It sounds really miserable, OP. I can’t imagine a loving husband feeling ok about that.

Why did you say it was ok and make the arrangements for them? You should have spoken up then.

MittensOnKittens03 · 19/07/2021 23:34

It also strikes me from your post you said if was then other way round you’d include him…. I’d read into that he wouldn’t do this if it was your birthday… presumably he wouldn’t want to be left out or he wouldn’t arrange anything in the first place

fourandnomore · 19/07/2021 23:42

I would actually be fine with this. I know it might sound odd but being home with a takeaway isn’t that special and I kind of feel like when you have kids you accept that often only one of you can go to things. You will have been with him the rest of the day with all of the other people and presumably will see the people staying the next day. We have lived for years of never having babysitters so maybe my view is skewed but many times one of us has gone out with friends on our own birthday, as it’s either that or don’t go out.
Saying all of this you don’t feel that it is ok so tell him that or you will remember the occasion with sadness.

IAmAWomanNotACis · 19/07/2021 23:42

I have been to a fair few 30th birthday parties and nobody has done this. It's very strange and he'll come across badly.

hellcatspangle · 19/07/2021 23:44

I think it's totally out of order tbh!

EL8888 · 19/07/2021 23:45

Definite vibes of the hired help. Would he do similar for your big birthday. Instinct tells me no

Chloemol · 20/07/2021 00:33

It is odd, and selfish of him not to include you

Tell him you are upset, it would be better if they all came back

If he insists on a restaurant then a) you know where you stand, he doesn’t actually care about you and b) he can sort his own night out.

QueenBee52 · 20/07/2021 04:57

Yes you are being excluded and it's deliberate.. He made a decision knowing you could not be there..

Cancel his 'nice booking' and let him sort it himself... selfish git.

Palilula · 20/07/2021 05:10

DH says he would prefer to go out to a restaurant and then a bar with our friends. This means I wouldn't be able to attend as I'd have to go and take the DC to bed.

This is strange of him, if having people back to your place is an option that would let you both be part of the celebration and he knows you would like to be there. Yes, he might ideal PREFER something different, but he's not the only person involved.

That said, I see it is his birthday, so maybe his preferences are most important and you'd want to give him a "selfish pass" for the evening. Will he do the same thing on your birthday? Does he care that you feel left out?

(I just went back and read what you wrote to make sure I wasn't misunderstanding and so judging your DH too harshly. But no - a re-reading just makes me think even more that your H is being an oaf.)

didireallysaythat · 20/07/2021 05:18

I'd be ok with this - as long as you feel if things were the other way around you have the same opportunity to hang out with mates. I don't want to lose my identity and always be associated with kids - of course that only works if both get the sane opportunities (solo trips abroad with friends, weekends away etc etc).

youshallnotpass9 · 20/07/2021 05:32

I actually think YABU

There is a massive difference in being able to have a good time with some friends in a bar and being able to have a good time in a house where there are kids sleeping.

Yes its a massive shitty thing that you can't join and I would let him sort out the arrangements as long as you and your kids can then celebrate it later on, then is all good.

Also that for your birthday the same thing happens, you get to go out with your friends, while he stays at home

QueenBee52 · 20/07/2021 05:35

@youshallnotpass9

I actually think YABU

There is a massive difference in being able to have a good time with some friends in a bar and being able to have a good time in a house where there are kids sleeping.

Yes its a massive shitty thing that you can't join and I would let him sort out the arrangements as long as you and your kids can then celebrate it later on, then is all good.

Also that for your birthday the same thing happens, you get to go out with your friends, while he stays at home

wow.. what nonsense 😳

NumberTheory · 20/07/2021 06:21

That's really selfish of him.

ittakes2 · 20/07/2021 06:34

If you know anyone in the city you are moving to ask them for a baby sitter referral and then pay to have the baby sitter play with your kids for an hour before the birthday celebrations with the view if all goes well they will babysit for you on this night.
If you don't know anyone use a reputable baby sitting company / ask the local nursery.

Dozer · 20/07/2021 06:41

What ages are your DC? Unless the youngest is v young indeed would reconsider your decision not to seek childcare, and go out for a few hours. You may well need or want childcare in your new location soon anyway.

Does your H agree with your decision re childcare?

Unless he has ‘form’ for not doing his fair share of parenting etc, I don’t think H is U for wanting some adult only social time on his bday. Agree with PPs that for many people a take away / drinking at home has little appeal, especially at the moment. It’s hard for some people to relax at and enjoy events mainly for adults with small DC present. Your H has been honest about his preferences.

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