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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't work out if I'm being left out or not

145 replies

winteroversummer · 19/07/2021 23:17

It's my husbands 30th soon, I've organised a get together in a pub garden in the afternoon, in the city that we live with drinks and snacks. We have organised it in the afternoon as we have two young children, and there will be a few other young children at the event, too.

Most people are getting the train home on the same day, but a handful of our closet friends are staying over night.

I've suggested we go back to our house after the 'party', I can put dc to bed and we can all have a few drinks and order some food in.

DH says he would prefer to go out to a restaurant and then a bar with our friends. This means I wouldn't be able to attend as I'd have to go and take the DC to bed.

I have said that is fine and I'll book somewhere lovely for them to eat and drink, which I've just done, but can't help feeling a bit left out. If it were the other way round I know I'd have included DH in the whole day. It's not like it's his guy friends staying over, either, one couple, two of our best female friends, and an old male school mate, if that makes any difference.

What do you think?

Should add- babysitter out of the question as we are moving to this city one week before the celebration- DC will be in our room whilst theirs is getting sorted, and I don't feel comfortable leaving them with a babysitter that they, and I, don't know x

OP posts:
reader12 · 20/07/2021 17:34

I don’t think this is too outrageous of him to want to go out out in the evening for his 30th tbh. But if it makes you sad he should be happy to compromise. I think by booking him somewhere to go that suggests you’re ok with it, so you need to be more honest with him about how you feel.

User5827372728 · 20/07/2021 17:41

I think it’s a good idea really. Can you get kids to bed then get a sitter and re join?

Original poster
winteroversummer · 20/07/2021 17:53

Have read every response- thank you all it's always eye opening and useful to see from another perspective, isn't it?

I'm not cross or angry or upset with ds or anything, just after the convo last night I was thinking about it when we went to bed and pondering and I find mumsnet useful for that sort of thing.

Someone a few posts back posted about how it's not fair to expect people to travel to a city, and then on the evening have them all back to our house when they could be out and I think you're absolutely right and I didn't think of it like that! Everyone will have a lovely evening and I'll get to see people during the day in the beer garden and will take children home for bed when they're too tired to keep partying lol.

Do not think that all social things need to be don't together, either, for those who have said that. The reason I posted was because I would have wanted him at all bits of my 30th, as he was. That's all.

Thanks for replies anyway all sorted

OP posts:
CastawayQueen · 20/07/2021 22:08

Well done OP I hope you both enjoy the day

BackforGood · 20/07/2021 22:19

Someone a few posts back posted about how it's not fair to expect people to travel to a city, and then on the evening have them all back to our house when they could be out and I think you're absolutely right and I didn't think of it like that! Everyone will have a lovely evening and I'll get to see people during the day in the beer garden and will take children home for bed when they're too tired to keep partying lol.

See, I'd consider the pub gathering to be the party I was invited to. I'd very much welcome going back to my friends' house then to eat something and relax.

You could equally think about the fact that people have already been paying out for drinks all afternoon, (and then possibly ubers or taxis?) and might prefer to only have to pay for a bottle of wine they've brought with them from the supermarket and a takeaway, rather than ££££ more by going out again, and paying restaurant prices for food and drink.

I 100% don't think I need to be with my dh all the time, and frequently go out without him, but that's not what is happening here. OP's dh isn't going out with his Uni mates, or his sports team or his colleagues or friends from a hobby one night. The proposal is that a collection of friends of both halves of the couple (incl friends who were originally OP's) are all out together, then he is proposing she takes the dc home to bed whilst this particular group of friends go out without OP. That is what is odd, not one half of a couple arranging to go out for the evening without the other half in different circumstances.

LimeRedBanana · 20/07/2021 22:25

not get them to come home and eat a takeaway quietly on their birthdays

Not sure what sort of at-home gatherings you host, but they don’t sound like much fun.

In my extensive experience, it’s perfectly possible to have friends over, some drinks, music and laughs, while the kids sleep soundly in bed.

Maybe this is what’s clouding my view.

In any case, the OP is happy with the outcome, so issue resolved.

LimeRedBanana · 20/07/2021 22:26

OP's dh isn't going out with his Uni mates, or his sports team or his colleagues or friends from a hobby one night. The proposal is that a collection of friends of both halves of the couple (incl friends who were originally OP's) are all out together, then he is proposing she takes the dc home to bed whilst this particular group of friends go out without OP. That is what is odd, not one half of a couple arranging to go out for the evening without the other half in different circumstances.

Exactly.

NoMoreCovidPlease · 20/07/2021 22:50

I'd be hurt and tell him that.

Cvxnnjj · 20/07/2021 23:13

Some (most?) men have the emotional intelligence of a five year old.
Don’t be passive OP ensure you join up the dots for him leaving no room for manoeuvre.
Tell him how you feel in terms a small child cannot misunderstand and say why his wishes are 100% unacceptable.

LimeRedBanana · 20/07/2021 23:15

@Cvxnnjj

Some (most?) men have the emotional intelligence of a five year old. Don’t be passive OP ensure you join up the dots for him leaving no room for manoeuvre. Tell him how you feel in terms a small child cannot misunderstand and say why his wishes are 100% unacceptable.
Bloody hell. 😳
MichelleScarn · 20/07/2021 23:31

@Cvxnnjj

Some (most?) men have the emotional intelligence of a five year old. Don’t be passive OP ensure you join up the dots for him leaving no room for manoeuvre. Tell him how you feel in terms a small child cannot misunderstand and say why his wishes are 100% unacceptable.
Right so she should say (and please note op has been back and has been v reasonable!) Right its your birthday but l don't want your celebration to be what you want, do this! What you want is 100% unacceptable its my way and that's it!!
TheFoundations · 21/07/2021 08:17

@Cvxnnjj

Some (most?) men have the emotional intelligence of a five year old. Don’t be passive OP ensure you join up the dots for him leaving no room for manoeuvre. Tell him how you feel in terms a small child cannot misunderstand and say why his wishes are 100% unacceptable.
This is surely a joke.
tallduckandhandsome · 21/07/2021 08:20

OP, make sure you get some time on your birthday. He stays home with the kids, don’t sort a a babysitter so he can attend.

TheFoundations · 21/07/2021 08:24

@tallduckandhandsome

OP, make sure you get some time on your birthday. He stays home with the kids, don’t sort a a babysitter so he can attend.
OP is wanting more time together, not more time apart.

This is just tit for tat. Marriage isn't a competition. Why would you suggest that OP does something to her husband, when she doesn't like him doing it to her?

3Britnee · 21/07/2021 09:35

@BackforGood

That does seem a bit off.. Wouldn't the other folk who are staying think it strange too ? If I were your longstanding mate, I would speak up and suggest getting a takeaway at home with you
This, but I'd also keep a close eye on them all incase theres an affair between him and one of the others.
Bluntness100 · 21/07/2021 09:38

@tallduckandhandsome

OP, make sure you get some time on your birthday. He stays home with the kids, don’t sort a a babysitter so he can attend.
How petty, surely it’s down to what she wants.
Youdiditanyway · 21/07/2021 09:41

I’d be furious but I don’t think my DH would even think to do this because it’s completely selfish. It may well be his birthday but he should be including his wife in his celebrations! Your original idea was brilliant, can’t believe he changed it to purposely exclude you really. I’m sure his friends will think he’s a twat for this too.

Bridezillamaybe · 21/07/2021 09:44

@Cvxnnjj

Some (most?) men have the emotional intelligence of a five year old. Don’t be passive OP ensure you join up the dots for him leaving no room for manoeuvre. Tell him how you feel in terms a small child cannot misunderstand and say why his wishes are 100% unacceptable.
Hilarious
Bluntness100 · 21/07/2021 09:47

@Youdiditanyway

I’d be furious but I don’t think my DH would even think to do this because it’s completely selfish. It may well be his birthday but he should be including his wife in his celebrations! Your original idea was brilliant, can’t believe he changed it to purposely exclude you really. I’m sure his friends will think he’s a twat for this too.
Seriously? That’s so selfish of you.
drpet49 · 21/07/2021 09:54

@ Youdiditanyway

Furious? Selifsh. You must love being so hysterical all the time.

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