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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can't work out if I'm being left out or not

145 replies

winteroversummer · 19/07/2021 23:17

It's my husbands 30th soon, I've organised a get together in a pub garden in the afternoon, in the city that we live with drinks and snacks. We have organised it in the afternoon as we have two young children, and there will be a few other young children at the event, too.

Most people are getting the train home on the same day, but a handful of our closet friends are staying over night.

I've suggested we go back to our house after the 'party', I can put dc to bed and we can all have a few drinks and order some food in.

DH says he would prefer to go out to a restaurant and then a bar with our friends. This means I wouldn't be able to attend as I'd have to go and take the DC to bed.

I have said that is fine and I'll book somewhere lovely for them to eat and drink, which I've just done, but can't help feeling a bit left out. If it were the other way round I know I'd have included DH in the whole day. It's not like it's his guy friends staying over, either, one couple, two of our best female friends, and an old male school mate, if that makes any difference.

What do you think?

Should add- babysitter out of the question as we are moving to this city one week before the celebration- DC will be in our room whilst theirs is getting sorted, and I don't feel comfortable leaving them with a babysitter that they, and I, don't know x

OP posts:

CoronaPeroni · 20/07/2021 13:19

I think the correct response should have been 'Whatever you want to do, I'm in for it. Remember we'll need a babysitter'. Can't believe some responses on this thread have suggested that the childcare problem is yours alone. You should be re-evaluating your 'fine' response and booking it for him, you arranged what you thought was suitable for everyone but he disagrees so he needs to sort it himself,

FunMcCool · 20/07/2021 13:23

No way would me or my husband do this to one another… no married couples I know would. He’s being unfair.

Family member babysitter?

Whatinthelord · 20/07/2021 13:26

I understand why you might feel left out, however personally I wouldn’t overly be bothered by it.

He wants a restaurant and a night out for his birthday. Unfortunately due to childcare that’s not possible for you both to do that together, so he’s having part of his celebration with friends only. That doesn’t strike me as particularly unusually. Me and My Oh have tons of things we’d like to do together (paddle boarding, surfing, spa) that we can’t because we don’t have many childcare options. Doesn’t mean we don’t do them, just means we do them separately but together when it is possible.

Obviously everyone is different. For me this wouldn’t be a big deal though.

Bluntness100 · 20/07/2021 13:26

@FunMcCool

No way would me or my husband do this to one another… no married couples I know would. He’s being unfair.

Family member babysitter?

He’s being unfair? I honestly thought you were going to write she was. No way my husband and I would do this to one another either, we would want th other to go out snd have fun, not get them to come home and eat a takeaway quietly on their birthdays

Whatinthelord · 20/07/2021 13:26

To add though I wouldn’t be running around booking it for him. Unless that formed part of my present to him.

FunMcCool · 20/07/2021 13:27

@Bluntness100

Why would it have to be quiet? They could have a few drinks and a laugh while the kids slept!

Whatinthelord · 20/07/2021 13:28

I’m really surprised I’m in the minority. What do people who lack childcare do if one of them always has to be with the children. Just never do things they want to do if they can’t do them with their partner?

VerticalHorizon · 20/07/2021 13:51

They work on a solution that works for both rather than arbitrarily exclude one

melj1213 · 20/07/2021 13:55

[quote FunMcCool]@Bluntness100

Why would it have to be quiet? They could have a few drinks and a laugh while the kids slept![/quote]
Even at normal volume, more than a couple of adults make enough noise to disturb many small children, that's if you can get them to go to sleep with an interesting party going on.

I had a few family members round for dinner yesterday as it was my birthday last week and they missed the big family BBQ as they were away. There were less than 10 people in attendance and even just chit chat, with the music on low, was loud enough to be heard outside (I'd nipped out to the bins and could hear them as I came back inside and nobody was overly loud) so a party with more people is going to be noisy.

Equally since its a new house and the children are sleeping in a new place in their parents room then they may not be as settled as normal and so are more likely to be disturbed - especially if people are nipping up to the loo or wandering around (which again is more likely as a new house they may be more interested in seeing the house etc)

Whatinthelord · 20/07/2021 13:57

@VerticalHorizon

They work on a solution that works for both rather than arbitrarily exclude one

But if what someone wants to do is go for a meal in a restaurant (or swim in the sea or whatever) then there isn’t a compromise. You either do it or you don’t. Obviously a one of change of plan to accommodate childcare issues is fine. However if you’re a couple that doesn’t have anyone to provide childcare the only way for the adults to do specific activities they want to do without kids is for the other parent to be the childcare.

Bluntness100 · 20/07/2021 13:58

[quote FunMcCool]@Bluntness100

Why would it have to be quiet? They could have a few drinks and a laugh while the kids slept![/quote]
Really? That’s a bit shitty, a few people in the house drinking and having a laugh is not conducive to small kids sleeping.

OhtheVulgarity · 20/07/2021 14:00

@Whatinthelord

Exactly. We once had to go and see a band we both loved on different nights of their tour, because the alternative was not seeing them at all.

FunMcCool · 20/07/2021 14:48

@Bluntness100 it doesn’t have to be a rager. There is a happy medium between a wild party and having a drink and a laugh while kids are asleep.

Babykoala1 · 20/07/2021 14:49

Literally could not be annoyed by this. It's his 30th birthday ffs. Staying at home is not the same as being out and celebrating it just isn't.

notanothertakeaway · 20/07/2021 14:52

DH says he would prefer to go out to a restaurant and then a bar with our friends. This means I wouldn't be able to attend as I'd have to go and take the DC to bed

I have said that is fine and I'll book somewhere lovely for them to eat and drink, which I've just done

If you told him this was fine, then you have only yourself to blame. Why didn't you say "Actually, as it's your 30th, I'd really like it if we could do something together"? And then come up with a plan that suits you all

Soverymuchfruit · 20/07/2021 15:06

Perfectly reasonable to ask him if he's sure and does he realise that leaves you home alone.

But I guess I can't clearly judge because as I'd much rather have my mates back to ours. Less noise and easier to move around means you can talk to everyone, not just who you're sat next to.

Bluntness100 · 20/07/2021 15:08

@Babykoala1

Literally could not be annoyed by this. It's his 30th birthday ffs. Staying at home is not the same as being out and celebrating it just isn't.

Exactly and doing it in such a way as not to disturb young kids.

Honestly I wonder about how some folks sustain relationships. If they view their partner wanting a night out in their birthday as selfish and insist it should be done in th house and they aren’t allowed out alone. What a way to live.

Soverymuchfruit · 20/07/2021 15:08

"We once had to go and see a band we both loved on different nights of their tour, because the alternative was not seeing them at all."

But you can't see a band live and stay at home, at the same time. You can have a meal with your friends at home.

CastawayQueen · 20/07/2021 15:10

@Soverymuchfruit

Perfectly reasonable to ask him if he's sure and does he realise that leaves you home alone.

But I guess I can't clearly judge because as I'd much rather have my mates back to ours. Less noise and easier to move around means you can talk to everyone, not just who you're sat next to.

But they have small children who’ll be asleep. DH can’t win if they end up waking the kids (which will inevitably happen) she’ll be upset at that too

TheFoundations · 20/07/2021 15:35

@KatherineJaneway

You think it's ok for the husband to say

'I'm having a party that the kids can't come to; get a sitter, or, if you won't... tough!'

But you could see it from the other side.

'I am not happy to have a baby sitter so I expect you to all come home and have a few drinks while keeping the noise down as the kids are in bed and I don't care it is your 30th birthday'.

Yes, the point is there are 2 sides and I'm querying why that is. It ought not to be a conflict. It doesn't sound like he cares that she's feeling a bit hurt by this, or, in fact, it looks like she might not even have told him. It's not OK for either party to simply dismiss the other's feelings.

CastawayQueen · 20/07/2021 15:59

@TheFoundations yes - had I been the DH I wouldn’t have known that spouse was upset .
It’s not as clear cut as say forgetting spouse’s birthday (to be surprised by that is being an arse)v

DeflatedGinDrinker · 20/07/2021 16:38

I don't think it's odd at all. Let him enjoy himself it's his bday.

drpet49 · 20/07/2021 16:46

* Honestly I wonder about how some folks sustain relationships. If they view their partner wanting a night out in their birthday as selfish and insist it should be done in th house and they aren’t allowed out alone. What a way to live.*

*I agree. Imagine the OP posting “it’s my 30th birthday, I’m spending all day with the kids and husband. In the evening I want to go out for dinner and drinks with my friends but my husband wants me to stay at home and get a takeaway instead”

The Husband would be labelled as selfish and controlling.

goose1964 · 20/07/2021 17:00

If possible take your kids with you. It's surprising how easily they fall asleep when there's a lot of noise or they stay awake entertaining people only to crash out on the way home. I'm assuming that those say it a takeaway is boring have them regularly, it's nearly a year since we had one so it would be a treat.

VerticalHorizon · 20/07/2021 17:31

The Husband would be labelled as selfish and controlling.*

It doesn't really sound like that though - it's sound more like a mutual set of friends and a partner being left out.
If you have your own set of friend, then of course it makes sense to go out with them as a separate activity, but if this is a group you've been with all day, as a group, then that group decide to take things on to a new location, but leave your partner behind, it really does have a 'you've been ditched' feel to it.

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