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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't work out if I'm being left out or not

145 replies

winteroversummer · 19/07/2021 23:17

It's my husbands 30th soon, I've organised a get together in a pub garden in the afternoon, in the city that we live with drinks and snacks. We have organised it in the afternoon as we have two young children, and there will be a few other young children at the event, too.

Most people are getting the train home on the same day, but a handful of our closet friends are staying over night.

I've suggested we go back to our house after the 'party', I can put dc to bed and we can all have a few drinks and order some food in.

DH says he would prefer to go out to a restaurant and then a bar with our friends. This means I wouldn't be able to attend as I'd have to go and take the DC to bed.

I have said that is fine and I'll book somewhere lovely for them to eat and drink, which I've just done, but can't help feeling a bit left out. If it were the other way round I know I'd have included DH in the whole day. It's not like it's his guy friends staying over, either, one couple, two of our best female friends, and an old male school mate, if that makes any difference.

What do you think?

Should add- babysitter out of the question as we are moving to this city one week before the celebration- DC will be in our room whilst theirs is getting sorted, and I don't feel comfortable leaving them with a babysitter that they, and I, don't know x

OP posts:
Travielkapelka · 20/07/2021 09:26

@TheFoundations then she can't moan. The babysitter is only out of the question because she doesn't want to use one. Either you consider child care or suck it up and stay home with the kids, you don't then complain you're being left out.

ThatOtherPoster · 20/07/2021 09:26

I’d feel like his idea of celebrating is to pretend he never married or had kids. It wouldn’t be rational but it’s how I’d feel. 😔

TheFoundations · 20/07/2021 09:28

[quote Travielkapelka]@TheFoundations then she can't moan. The babysitter is only out of the question because she doesn't want to use one. Either you consider child care or suck it up and stay home with the kids, you don't then complain you're being left out.[/quote]
Not very sympathetic.

You think it's ok for the husband to say

'I'm having a party that the kids can't come to; get a sitter, or, if you won't... tough!'

Of course it's do-able, but it indicates a problem in the relationship.

LimeRedBanana · 20/07/2021 09:34

[quote Travielkapelka]@TheFoundations then she can't moan. The babysitter is only out of the question because she doesn't want to use one. Either you consider child care or suck it up and stay home with the kids, you don't then complain you're being left out.[/quote]
The thing is, in most relationships, couples actually like each other and enjoy/want to spend time together, especially special occasions.

This is generally understood and accepted. Except, of course, on MN - where people go out of their way to be contrary.

CastawayQueen · 20/07/2021 09:35

@GoldenBlue but they have had all day to catch up with the mutual friends already. He isn’t organising an event with them alone. They’ll all already have been together from the pub lunch and then in the evening before the restaurant.

It’s the end of lockdown, nobody’s been able to do anything for a year - to go home and get a takeaway is not what anybody would want to do for a milestone birthday. When that’s what they’ve been doing all year. Plus how much of a noisy party can you have with children sleeping in the house?
If I were OP I’d be gutted I’d missed it but I wouldn’t begrudge DH. Provided he made up for it.
There’s no point in preventing everybody from having fun just because of the children …

implantsandaDyson · 20/07/2021 09:36

I'll be honest if I was travelling to a different city and staying over, a night in with a takeaway and kids sleeping upstairs which was preceded with an afternoon with children in a family friendly pub garden wouldn't be top of my must do list. Maybe he knows your mutual friends would be the same?

It's so difficult with kids and going out and no baby sitter and pleasing everybody but I don't think he's being inherently selfish by wanting to go out out on his 30th birthday. But I'm sure he's more than capable of organising the dinner out himself, don't push yourself into martyr territory.

CastawayQueen · 20/07/2021 09:36

Also the alternative is perhaps they could get a takeaway at home - then go out for drinks.
There’s definitely room for compromise

CastawayQueen · 20/07/2021 09:37

@implantsandaDyson

I'll be honest if I was travelling to a different city and staying over, a night in with a takeaway and kids sleeping upstairs which was preceded with an afternoon with children in a family friendly pub garden wouldn't be top of my must do list. Maybe he knows your mutual friends would be the same?

It's so difficult with kids and going out and no baby sitter and pleasing everybody but I don't think he's being inherently selfish by wanting to go out out on his 30th birthday. But I'm sure he's more than capable of organising the dinner out himself, don't push yourself into martyr territory.

Exactly - there are other people to consider, people who have travelled d a good way to be there …
KarmaStar · 20/07/2021 09:38

Can you go to the restaurant with dc?then they can go to drinks after ?
Probably best they don't come back to your else the noise will keep dc awake?
Tell him how you feel,try to get a compromise.
If there isn't one to be had and he's not acknowledged your feelings then that's very selfish of him and disrespectful.
If he at least apologised and explains,maybe you can accept he wanted a night out but knew you couldn't leave the dc and hoped you would be ok for him to go out and celebrate.
If you do end up going home with dc alone,invite another friend round,get a takeaway,movie,bottle of wine and have a lovely relaxed evening.
And make sure he gets up early the next morning with dc😀🌈💐

melj1213 · 20/07/2021 09:44

He's someone who thinks about himself. If he's doing something fun, it doesn't bother him that you're getting dumped on.

It's his bloody birthday! It's the one day you're allowed to be a bit selfish and do what you want!

OP I think YABU - it's his birthday so surely he should be allowed to celebrate how he wants even if that means you miss out on part of it? It's not like he has said that you aren't allowed to come, it's just that logistically you either leave the children with a babysitter or one parent has to stay home - you don't want/can't leave the children with a babysitter and it's his birthday so it is defaulting to you staying home that night.

You are having a lovely family afternoon but after a year of having no option but to stay in with a takeaway, being able to go out to dinner and drinks with friends for a birthday (especially a milestone one) is not an unreasonable request.

Going out for dinner and drinks is totally different from having to be at home. You say you will have not long moved and you have young children - so potentially the house might not be "hosting ready" (I know I wasn't fully unpacked/settled after only a week in a new house) as well as having to curtail the celebrations to not disturb the children, that's not my idea of a fun 30th birthday. Additionally you don't know your neighbours yet so I would be loathe to move in, have a party a week later and potentially get on the wrong side of the neighbours thinking you were inconsiderate party people.

Bluntness100 · 20/07/2021 09:49

@ThatOtherPoster

I’d feel like his idea of celebrating is to pretend he never married or had kids. It wouldn’t be rational but it’s how I’d feel. 😔
Seriously? It’s his birthday, making a day of it doesn’t mean he wants to pretend he was never married or had kids, Christ, why do some folks think if you get married and have kids you’re never allowed out on your own ever again.
QueenBee52 · 20/07/2021 09:56

Seriously? It’s his birthday, making a day of it doesn’t mean he wants to pretend he was never married or had kids, Christ, why do some folks think if you get married and have kids you’re never allowed out on your own ever again.

a bit of an extreme response... whats wrong with wanting to attend the birthday night out with all the friends and family that WILL be there 🤔 The little W

Crazycrazylady · 20/07/2021 10:03

Another one who doesn't think he is being unreasonable, Its his 30th ( not his 60th) and after over a year of lockdown he wants to go to to a pub for the night instead of having a takeaway at home with sleeping kids upstairs.
You will have spent the majority of the day together with him.
I'd try and round up a baby sitter but if not I'd let him at it, I know he would do the same for me.

beenbotheringme · 20/07/2021 10:17

Umm, actually, I think your problem is that you won't use a babysitter. If you are there a week before hand that is plenty of time to get someone over for an hour beforehand. There are plenty of agencies out there. Why should your husband have a milestone birthday effectively stuck at home again after over a year of being stuck at home when you don't have to do that. I would go home after the pub, put the kids to bed and then go out and join the party. You are choosing to leave yourself at home.

If you want to do it at home, you need to make it really special. I don't think a 30th in a pub garden for the afternoon followed up by home for a few more drinks sounds remotely special - sorry.

ThatOtherPoster · 20/07/2021 10:19

Seriously? It’s his birthday,

Exactly. I’d want to spend my birthday with everyone I loved best in the world. I’d hope I’d come under that description for my DH. As If Hope our kids would too.

He’s turning 30, not 18.

Christ, why do some folks think if you get married and have kids you’re never allowed out on your own ever again.

How does this man expect his wife to feel, as she puts THEIR kids to bed then sits alone in front of the telly, while her husband celebrates his birthday in a nice restaurant?

beenbotheringme · 20/07/2021 10:20

Ps I'm breastfeeding and recently left my baby and other children with a babysitter none of us had ever met until he turned up. I got her to come whilst I was getting ready so I had a bit of time in the house with her there.

At midnight she rang me to say the baby had just woken up (he never does normally) so
I went home. I still had a nice night!!

JustDanceAddict · 20/07/2021 10:25

He is off.
You’re already in a bar so the ‘formal’ bit is over, the best bit of an event is often the more relaxed ‘after party’ at home so your dh is being U.
What is his reasoning behind a restaurant? It’s def unfair that you can’t join or have to book a sitter. I’d find someone through sitters or similar, a vetted agency.

Darbs76 · 20/07/2021 10:32

Given we have all spent so much time away from home I don’t think it’s that unreasonable. You will be included in the afternoon and maybe he just wants to be out out, not wrong on birthday.

Honeyroar · 20/07/2021 10:33

I’m a bit on the fence. It’s his birthday and he should do what he wants to do, but he’s not being very kind towards you, and you’d think that he’d want his partner there! I had a really sedate 50th afternoon tea party at home purely because my husband and best friend had both just come out of hospital and I wanted something that they could cope with and share with me.

JungleBeats · 20/07/2021 10:48

I'd be pissed off about this and feel very left out.

CastawayQueen · 20/07/2021 11:03

Honestly OP probably hoped she could spend some time with the closest friends too that’s why she organised it.
But I doubt that they want a quiet takeaway with children sleeping upstairs.
She’s organised the pub lunch (fine) what they do after is up to them and DH…

KatherineJaneway · 20/07/2021 11:16

You think it's ok for the husband to say

'I'm having a party that the kids can't come to; get a sitter, or, if you won't... tough!'

But you could see it from the other side.

'I am not happy to have a baby sitter so I expect you to all come home and have a few drinks while keeping the noise down as the kids are in bed and I don't care it is your 30th birthday'.

OhtheVulgarity · 20/07/2021 12:39

How does this man expect his wife to feel, as she puts THEIR kids to bed then sits alone in front of the telly, while her husband celebrates his birthday in a nice restaurant?

Well, in our house, I'd have felt happy I managed to get to some of the birthday celebrations, and that DH was having a good time -- because I would also be having a good time out by myself with friends in the near future while DH was at home with DS.

Like a pp, we didn't have any family in the country and had moved away from all our friends to an area where there was no tradition of babysitting circles or paid babysitters, and where Sitters.co.uk didn't cover. (We did once use them when we'd gone somewhere for a weekend and DH's work were having a Christmas party at the hotel we were staying in -- when I went upstairs at around midnight to check on DS (who was around 3), he was running rings around the supposedly experienced sitter, who looked like she wanted to die, so I sent her home.)

But for years we weren't able to go out together unless we had DS with us, so we got used to taking it in turns. It wasn't ideal, but it was what we had.

Jasmeen · 20/07/2021 13:01

I just dont understand why you wouldnt use a proper professional babysitting service with excellent reviews as a really easy way if solving the entire issue. I cant understand feeling uneasy about not letting Martha down the road who you dont know babysit but a proper company?
Alternatively as well as a restaurant book a posh hotel room for you all as well and use the hotels babysitting service.

Jasmeen · 20/07/2021 13:01
  • I CAN understand that should read