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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can't work out if I'm being left out or not

145 replies

winteroversummer · 19/07/2021 23:17

It's my husbands 30th soon, I've organised a get together in a pub garden in the afternoon, in the city that we live with drinks and snacks. We have organised it in the afternoon as we have two young children, and there will be a few other young children at the event, too.

Most people are getting the train home on the same day, but a handful of our closet friends are staying over night.

I've suggested we go back to our house after the 'party', I can put dc to bed and we can all have a few drinks and order some food in.

DH says he would prefer to go out to a restaurant and then a bar with our friends. This means I wouldn't be able to attend as I'd have to go and take the DC to bed.

I have said that is fine and I'll book somewhere lovely for them to eat and drink, which I've just done, but can't help feeling a bit left out. If it were the other way round I know I'd have included DH in the whole day. It's not like it's his guy friends staying over, either, one couple, two of our best female friends, and an old male school mate, if that makes any difference.

What do you think?

Should add- babysitter out of the question as we are moving to this city one week before the celebration- DC will be in our room whilst theirs is getting sorted, and I don't feel comfortable leaving them with a babysitter that they, and I, don't know x

OP posts:

Cattitudes · 20/07/2021 06:45

If some of them are your friends I would split the party up, those closer to you come back to your house and those closer to him go out on the town. An overall compromise position might be to have the takeaway at yours and then go out clubbing for those who want to. I imagine with a bf baby clubbing is less on your radar than a nice meal with friends.

drpet49 · 20/07/2021 06:47

Imagine if a woman posted this about her husband. Replies would be so different.

If it was my 30th birthday I wouldn’t want to go back to my house with sleeping kids upstairs. I’m with your husband on this. It is HIS birthday after all.

Aprilx · 20/07/2021 06:48

I really can understand that he wants to have dinner and drinks out, the back at home for a takeaway idea sounds a bit rubbish to me. I might do that for my 70th. Equally, I cannot imagine my husband not wanting me to be there for his birthday celebrations. The only way to satisfy both perfectly reasonable requirements would be to think harder about drafting in a babysitter.

Oh and if my husband had told me he was going out without me, he would be booking his own restaurant. 😊

Loudestcat14 · 20/07/2021 06:49

Can't a grandparent come and babysit overnight for you? Or could you ask your previous babysitter from where you used to live to come and stay and fork out for an airbnb for them if there's not room for them to stay? I don't think your DH is being unreasonable in wanting to celebrate his birthday in a restaurant, especially as the opportunity to meet up with friends and eat out has been so sparse for the past 18 months.

Skybluepinkgiraffe · 20/07/2021 06:52

I'd certainly leave him to book his own evening event. He's a family man and he really ought to be behaving like one.

girlmom21 · 20/07/2021 06:53

I think you either need to have a child-free day/night out or have a family day. You can't really have both and enjoy it properly.

The kids won't settle easily if they know the adults are still having fun downstairs and they'll be up and down for hours.

I can understand your DH wanting to stay out rather than coming home.

nancywhitehead · 20/07/2021 06:54

It's a big birthday and I can understand him wanting to go out. People don't tend to do things like that for their 40th onwards, so the 30th can be seen as the last big wild birthday night.

It does depend how he's putting it to you though and whether it's a discussion or being dictated to you.

If he was just floating the idea, I would definitely say yes to my partner. But if it was no choice, "I'm going out, you have the kids", I'd be a bit less keen and would feel left out.

drpet49 · 20/07/2021 06:55

* Equally, I cannot imagine my husband not wanting me to be there for his birthday celebrations.*

^She will be there all day and at the afternoon pub garden event that is planned.

Honestly are some women incapable of spending a few hours away from there husband on his birthday?

Lanique · 20/07/2021 07:00

Wha---?! No way would I tolerate this. The discussion here would go along the lines of: "what about a restaurant? Oh, no we can't, no babysitters..." and plan A would be implemented. It's really shoddy behaviour of your dh, is he normally this selfish?

Loudestcat14 · 20/07/2021 07:11

@drpet49

* Equally, I cannot imagine my husband not wanting me to be there for his birthday celebrations.*

^She will be there all day and at the afternoon pub garden event that is planned.

Honestly are some women incapable of spending a few hours away from there husband on his birthday?

This ^. She's there for the majority of the celebration anyway.

Gameofbones · 20/07/2021 07:16

Does he want to go out with just his mates or mutual friends like couples that you would generally both mix with?

Just his mates fair enough, couples no not fair.

Bluntness100 · 20/07/2021 07:23

I just don’t get these answers. I think it’s fine on his birthday to want to make a day of it and go to a restaurant and another bar. And not habe to come home and sit inside, being quiet because of th kids. I’d happily do that for my husband and vice versa.

Crockof · 20/07/2021 07:24

@drpet49

* Equally, I cannot imagine my husband not wanting me to be there for his birthday celebrations.*

^She will be there all day and at the afternoon pub garden event that is planned.

Honestly are some women incapable of spending a few hours away from there husband on his birthday?

This, and less of the ageism pp, I've been to wilder 50ths than 30ths probably because no small kids.

Op I wouldn't want to come home with my friends have a takeaways and have to be quiet because kids are asleep .

Having kids means compromising, not controlling. The only way I would think ynbu is if he wouldn't allow it the other way round. If it's just you wouldn't want to do it, that's not the same. He is not you.

AtomicBronde · 20/07/2021 07:27

I wouldn’t mind this tbh!

We’ve all been cooped up for so long, it’s a special birthday, let him enjoy it!

StrangeToSee · 20/07/2021 07:29

Are you sure it’s just DH or have the others asked to go to a restaurant and bar?

I guess with these things newly opened after lockdown they might prefer to go out rather than order in. It’s a shame but I’d take it as that’s what the group want to do, rather than leaving you out. Do the others realise you can’t come? They might assume you’re getting a babysitter unless you make it clear.

MichelleScarn · 20/07/2021 07:32

@Bluntness100

Same! It's his birthday, would you be happy if he got to decide what you did on yours. Its not like he is off and out for the full day and night. I'm also imagining the 'its my 30th and I want to go for a meal with friends, dh says no and we've all to stay in with a takeaway instead'

5475878237NC · 20/07/2021 07:34

A takeaway at home for a 30th sounds so crap to me. That's what I'd do with kids every year not for a birthday.

timeisnotaline · 20/07/2021 07:34

I’d tell him I’m upset and that he should probably book his own birthday night out as he’d never book you something with mutual friends for your birthday that meant he couldn’t come.

To me the important thing to communicate is how you feel and if he’s a hypocrite ie one standard for you and another for him, as this is something I always point out to my husband!!

5475878237NC · 20/07/2021 07:35

*milestone birthday

Cherrysummer · 20/07/2021 07:36

I don’t get these replies.

All we’ve been able to do for so long now is sit around at home with takeaways, it’s his 30th birthday, no way would I want to go home for a takeaway, how boring, sorry.

You’ll be at the pub all afternoon with them all and it’s YOUR choice to not try and find childcare, if you were to, you wouldn’t be left out.

So YABU op, sorry. I can understand your disappointment don’t get me wrong, but it isn’t wrong for someone to want meal and drinks out on their 30th birthday rather than being stuck at home with a takeaway.

Manista · 20/07/2021 07:39

I'm a bit surprised at these replies. For my birthday my partner organised a nice lunch with him and a surprise evening out for me with my friends. He stayed at home in the evening.

Mistyplanet · 20/07/2021 07:46

I wouldn't mind staying at home. My DH and I do lots of things separately though. I see how other couples do everything together and find that odd.

Bridezillamaybe · 20/07/2021 07:48

I think you should let him head off with the friends and enjoy himself if there are no babysitting options. It's one night. I know you said they're not guys but are they his friends mainly?

And definitely you should be given the same leeway on your birthday.

Not the same at all but reminded me of something that happened years ago when I was around that age. My then boyfriend took me to his best friend's wedding. The best friend was from a very wealthy old money type of family. He married an eastern European lady who was pregnant at the time. They didn't approve of the pregnancy and quite likely would have preferred he married a same nationality person. The general consensus was that they looked down on her which is pretty ironic given how they and he all carried on at the wedding. My then boyfriend muttered something to me about how she was the type of girl you have fun with but don't marry. (Our relationship didn't last...)

It was held in the yacht club, filled with the groom's parents' friends. All the dad's friends got insanely drunk and lecherous to me and the other women of my age and younger. I felt so sorry for the wives. The new bride, heavily pregnant went home at about 8 or 9pm. The new groom stayed out - all night!

warmfluffytowels · 20/07/2021 07:57

It reads to me like he wants you all to go out to a restaurant - not that he wants you to stay home with the kids while he buggers off without you

I just don't think he's factored in the childcare issue - is there nobody who would have the DC overnight for you? A friend, neighbour or family member?

Lanique · 20/07/2021 08:06

It's not about being unable to do stuff separately . Dh and I do plenty of stuff separately but on a milestone birthday it's a bit different - I'd want dh there if we were going out with mutual friends. It wouldn't be the same without him. It would be different if dh wanted an evening specifically with just his friends, I wouldn't mind that, but mutual friends... that's not really on!

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