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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't work out if I'm being left out or not

145 replies

winteroversummer · 19/07/2021 23:17

It's my husbands 30th soon, I've organised a get together in a pub garden in the afternoon, in the city that we live with drinks and snacks. We have organised it in the afternoon as we have two young children, and there will be a few other young children at the event, too.

Most people are getting the train home on the same day, but a handful of our closet friends are staying over night.

I've suggested we go back to our house after the 'party', I can put dc to bed and we can all have a few drinks and order some food in.

DH says he would prefer to go out to a restaurant and then a bar with our friends. This means I wouldn't be able to attend as I'd have to go and take the DC to bed.

I have said that is fine and I'll book somewhere lovely for them to eat and drink, which I've just done, but can't help feeling a bit left out. If it were the other way round I know I'd have included DH in the whole day. It's not like it's his guy friends staying over, either, one couple, two of our best female friends, and an old male school mate, if that makes any difference.

What do you think?

Should add- babysitter out of the question as we are moving to this city one week before the celebration- DC will be in our room whilst theirs is getting sorted, and I don't feel comfortable leaving them with a babysitter that they, and I, don't know x

OP posts:
Ourlady · 20/07/2021 08:21

He's having the main party during the day. Bloody selfish to want to go out and leave you at home like the bloody nanny. If roles were reversed how would he feel?
I certainly wouldn't have booked the restaurant for him
Book your own bloody restaurant if you want to swan off and leave me at home with the kids

LimeRedBanana · 20/07/2021 08:29

DH says he would prefer to go out to a restaurant and then a bar with our friends. This means I wouldn't be able to attend as I'd have to go and take the DC to bed.

I have said that is fine and I'll book somewhere lovely for them to eat and drink, which I've just done

Sorry but I find this so odd.

Why didn’t you say - why do you want to go out and leave me home alone on your 30th?

Isn’t it the obvious question to ask? I’m confused.

MiddleClassProblem · 20/07/2021 08:31

I wouldn’t have an issue with this. I’ve had birthdays where I haven’t been with my family and just been with friends. It’s nice that you are there for a bit of it. DH has done similar. Then there have been other birthdays just us.

Who has your kids for the initial part or are they with you?

I’d order myself a takeaway and chill.

VerticalHorizon · 20/07/2021 08:34

Your plan was better. You have children and you can still have a good time at home.
His plan does indeed leave you out, and surely you'd want want to share such a moment with your partner?

At first I thought he'd just not thought it through, but the fact you're booking a place for 'them' makes it worse.

TheFoundations · 20/07/2021 08:35

I think it's a concern that a) he hasn't seemed to notice or care that you won't be able to come and b) that you've chosen to consult MN rather than have a simple conversation with him about it.

Why haven't you talked to him about the fact that you feel left out? What would he say if you did?

HazyDaisy123456 · 20/07/2021 08:39

I wouldn’t be on with that OP. Explain to your husband how upset you feel and see what he says.

If he comes to his senses great but if not either way I would cancelling the restaurant booking.

gogohm · 20/07/2021 08:40

If the kids are small, why not just take them with you, double buggy reclined, kids are very adaptable.

My ex was like you dh but we would simply take the kids

GoWalkabout · 20/07/2021 08:42

Just tell him you feel a bit left out and think your friends will find it odd and it will make him look bad. Speak up, he probably just hasn't thought it through.

LimeRedBanana · 20/07/2021 08:42

@TheFoundations

I think it's a concern that a) he hasn't seemed to notice or care that you won't be able to come and b) that you've chosen to consult MN rather than have a simple conversation with him about it.

Why haven't you talked to him about the fact that you feel left out? What would he say if you did?

Exactly this.
Pancakeorcrepe · 20/07/2021 08:47

You are celebrating together during the day. I think it is fine for him to want to extend the party into the evening, it is his 30th after all. Sorry but being sat at home with the children upstairs is not as fun as going out to a restaurant.
You don’t want to get a babysitter, so you either take the kids or stay at home with them.

DoorAjar · 20/07/2021 08:47

@fourandnomore

I would actually be fine with this. I know it might sound odd but being home with a takeaway isn’t that special and I kind of feel like when you have kids you accept that often only one of you can go to things. You will have been with him the rest of the day with all of the other people and presumably will see the people staying the next day. We have lived for years of never having babysitters so maybe my view is skewed but many times one of us has gone out with friends on our own birthday, as it’s either that or don’t go out. Saying all of this you don’t feel that it is ok so tell him that or you will remember the occasion with sadness.
This. We had zero childcare at night till DS was 8 and we moved countries — no local babysitters, no local family or friends, the big UK-wide sitter services didn’t have anyone in our area — so if we wanted to go somewhere at night without DS, we just had to take it in turns.
Travielkapelka · 20/07/2021 08:53

I think he’s reasonable, if you want to join in you need to reconsider childcare. Use Sitters, can a grandparent come to stay the night?, can the kids go to the grandparent even if you are BF? Do they go to nursery / childminder who you could ask to come? Presumably you aren’t moving that far away, pay for Uber’s for the sitters to get to you and back.

LannieDuck · 20/07/2021 08:58

H says he would prefer to go out to a restaurant and then a bar with our friends.

He's someone who thinks about himself. If he's doing something fun, it doesn't bother him that you're getting dumped on.

This is the kind of man who'll go out to a hobby every weekend and doesn't think about the impact on you. A useful glimpse of who he really is.

VerticalHorizon · 20/07/2021 09:00

I'm surprised your friends haven't flinched (or have they)?

VodkaSlimline · 20/07/2021 09:06

YANBU and if it's a mixed sex group of friends for the evening dinner etc, they will be talking about this.

TheFoundations · 20/07/2021 09:11

@Travielkapelka

I think he’s reasonable, if you want to join in you need to reconsider childcare. Use Sitters, can a grandparent come to stay the night?, can the kids go to the grandparent even if you are BF? Do they go to nursery / childminder who you could ask to come? Presumably you aren’t moving that far away, pay for Uber’s for the sitters to get to you and back.
OP says, specifically:

babysitter out of the question

CastawayQueen · 20/07/2021 09:12

He couldn’t control moving to a new city during his birthday - or that you don’t want to leave them with a babysitter.
You’re already spending the whole day with them.
I’d think you’re being very U - as it’s only the night out you won’t be included in and it’s not his birthday every day.
If he doesn’t do the same for you he’s twat but objectively- he’s not ‘leaving you out’, you can’t go due to circumstances and it’s his birthday.

AdelindSchade · 20/07/2021 09:12

This is mean. I would not do this to my dh.

AdelindSchade · 20/07/2021 09:13

*the dh is being mean not yhe OP

TheFoundations · 20/07/2021 09:13

or that you don’t want to leave them with a babysitter

This would be a joint decision if the relationship was otherwise healthy. If he's saying 'Oh, just leave 'em with a sitter!' when OP isn't comfortable with that, something more is wrong than just this party.

Saltyslug · 20/07/2021 09:17

Invite a relative to stay with you

Saltyslug · 20/07/2021 09:18

You’ve got the whole day together already and you could stay with him and his friends if you coordinated childcare

GoldenBlue · 20/07/2021 09:19

@CastawayQueen

He couldn’t control moving to a new city during his birthday - or that you don’t want to leave them with a babysitter. You’re already spending the whole day with them. I’d think you’re being very U - as it’s only the night out you won’t be included in and it’s not his birthday every day. If he doesn’t do the same for you he’s twat but objectively- he’s not ‘leaving you out’, you can’t go due to circumstances and it’s his birthday.
It's "our friends" not his friends he wants to go out with, that's the really, really weird and hurtful thing.

No issue if he wanted to go out separately with his mates after the family oriented party earlier.

But when it is their mutual friends it is weird behaviour to go out and as a result mean that you other half has to stay home with the children rather than hosting an event at home that you can both enjoy.

Very selfish and doesn't bode well for future relationship

KatherineJaneway · 20/07/2021 09:21

Should add- babysitter out of the question as we are moving to this city one week before the celebration- DC will be in our room whilst theirs is getting sorted, and I don't feel comfortable leaving them with a babysitter that they, and I, don't know

Does your DH feel the same re babysitter?

Goatinthegarden · 20/07/2021 09:22

I don’t have children for the very reason that I think if you have children, there are things that you are going to have to miss out on.

You’re having a child friendly party during the day and then all the people with small children and no babysitters are heading home. Those that are staying overnight want to do something different in the evening to what they will have spent the day doing - either because they’ve managed to wangle a child free night, or because they don’t have children.

I think it’s reasonable that one of you should go and enjoy fun whilst your friends are in town. The other one gets to go next time.

But like I said, I don’t have children, and have never been in such a situation so maybe I’m missing something.