Baby Shower Drama

[LilMum23]

I found out by accident that a close friend is throwing me a surprise baby shower at the weekend.
It is a really sweet gesture, I am touched, but I'm really anxious regarding COVID19, it's not really what I want right now.

We are experiencing really high infection rates again and my doctor advised me not to get vaccinated yet due to the pregnancy and to treat myself as high risk, so I've been really careful and self isolated since start of third trimester.

I've got no doubt there will be children attending the party - who I adore - but they have been mixing at school.
I don't have the greatest faith in the 30min lateral tests.
I really don't want to put myself and my baby in risk for a bit of cake and a gathering despite the sweet intentions, I also hate letting people down too who have it seems put in a lot of effort on my behalf. Also it's supposed to be a big surprise so I'm not sure how to approach this.

I feel stuck. It's stressing me out.
What would you do????

This is not a troll post, this is not an anti vax post, this was a genuine ask for help regarding a sensitive social situation. Thanks to the honest replies, the ones about me being a liar and anti vax conspirator... not so much.

So back to my actual issue.
The lure was being asked to a friends house Saturday to collect some presents for the baby (not a total lie) and then be surprised with the shower. We will call her friend B
I spoke with friend B and said I was isolating so I couldn't go round to her house but I thanked her generosity and said I could get them collected.

Friend A who has organised the party at Friend B's house phoned me up in panic. She explained a lot, that they had been planning it for months, they've really gone all out - caterer, decorations, activities/games.
It is planned to be outside. If it rains it will be inside but in a large conservatory with the doors opened out - it is a big house in small rural town. Potentially marquee/gazebo instead.

It's a small gathering of people, 6 (as it was organised when that was the limit of people who can meet up) plus children (why someone on here said I'm lying about children attending a babyshower?? Honestly some of you are really toxic).

I explained where I was coming from and she said she didn't think and it was possibly stupid of them, but they really have gone all out for me.
Everyone (except the children) are fully vaccinated, they will all test before going, they will keep distance, and let the kids know to stay distanced too.

I'm really disheartened to learn my partner, MIL and SIL are all in on it, when my partner knows how I've felt about the pandemic and I haven't had close contact with MIL and SIL over this period despite their protests of being "safe". I understand what's brought this on, I always said I wanted a gender reveal party (before I actually got pregnant) we did a live stream video for close friends and family and I said it's a shame we couldn't have a party (but the point is we didn't throw one!!!). So now my partner has turned around and said I'm being an ungrateful brat for not wanting the shower and that people have spent a lot of money and time on it and on gifts for us.

I don't know if it's in my head but I feel like Partner, MIL and SIL have made me feel like I'm being a drama queen, panicky, and just spoiling things for the sake of it and that I'll be an overprotective nervous wreck mother. I pretty much spend all last night crying because I feel totally alone in a messed up no win situation with people "closest to me" doing "lovely things for me" that's just backfiring terribly.

I've made my feelings clear. I'll attend outside but if I feel at all unsafe I'm out.
I'm just really disheartened over it all.

Hopefully you'll enjoy it outdoors. Now that you know it's only 5 other people, that's not so bad. I'm sure the kids will happily do their own thing.

You can't help how you feel. And thus year has shown us that people really do deal with things differently.

Good luck with the baby, OP. Thanks for updating us

Oh gosh. I'm so sorry you've been so upset by this. I'd feel exactly the same way. I am not starting all comfortable with social gatherings at the moment and I'm not even pregnant.

Please don't feel forced to go, although I'd probably do the same thing. I'm worried that if you go people will get closer to you than you'd like and it will make you feel really awful. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Your friends are lovely to arrange this for you but unreasonable (especially members of your own family!!!) not accepting you don't feel comfortable with it. Can you maybe ask everyone yo wear masks too, a) so you feel a bit more comfortable and b) to remind them to keep their distance?

Let us know how it goes if you do go, and good luck!

Call your friend and say “hey lovely, I know you want to organise a baby shower, however, covid has me super stressed. I’m really worried about the baby and I’d much rather have a party once we’ve all been vaccinated/covids gone etc”
Honesty really is the best policy.

OP, your update is awful. I’d be absolutely furious with them. They’ve got this very wrong and that is their problem to fix.

I suspect your partners attitude is because he knows he's fucked up and is doing the old "offence is the best defence" thing. He's known all a long how you feel, got talked into it being ok "she'll love when she get's there" and has now realised he has dropped massive bollock. But rather than say "I fucked up, I'm sorry, do whatever you feel happy with and I'll sort it" he is pushing it back on to you to make himself feel better.

So I would suggest you start with him and demand an explaination for his behaviour and the way he is speaking to you. Ask why, if he understood and agreed with the no GRP, he is suddenly calling you names when you dont want a baby shower. Put his fuck up firmly back into his hands and make it very clear that you are not being held responsible for something other people did and he supported. That if he feels bad thats his problem, not yours.

So they have badly misjudged this situation and now instead of trying to do what they can to make it right they are minimising your (valid) concerns, manipulating and blaming you? That doesn’t sound like the behaviour of people who love you and have your best interests at heart.

@PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat

So they have badly misjudged this situation and now instead of trying to do what they can to make it right they are minimising your (valid) concerns, manipulating and blaming you? That doesn’t sound like the behaviour of people who love you and have your best interests at heart.

No, it sounds awful doesn't it.

Hopefully you go and have a good.time but don't feel pressured into staying if you don't feel.comfortable

@LilMum23 have you had your baby shower yet? How did it go?

Text her saying you've been invited to a party that day and make a big deal about how you really dont want to go, copy and paste everything you've said on here

Oh just saw your update 😔

Double mask and stay strong in keeping your distance.

But I would be disappointed with the lot of them

Well considering you have just been pinged by T&T you couldn't possibly attend.

[quote Nohomemadecandles]@NakedAttraction she won't be protected by this weekend though. When the shower is due to be.

The vaccination is a different point entirely and not what she asked.[/quote]
well it is important to have the most up to date information!

@IcedSpice not sure MN is the place for that. And she got piled on. Unfairly and nastily. She didn't ask your opinion of the up to date info.

Tbh if they know you have been self isolating for 8w then they are a bit silly to have done this but meant well

Proper self isolating as in no going out or seeing people or just trying to be more cautious ?

6 people isn’t a lot and maybe if all do lft and not take kids would that make it safer fir you

Equally have it after your baby is born

They should at least not have children there, now you've made it clear how you feel.
I simply wouldn't go, if that happened to me, but I'm a grumpy non-pleaser of people.

Does anyone really think OP is going to provide an update.

They've mostly been vile to me but I'll just pop on to the thread and sate their curiousity.

If that were me, like fuck I would.

[quote Nohomemadecandles]@IcedSpice not sure MN is the place for that. And she got piled on. Unfairly and nastily. She didn't ask your opinion of the up to date info.[/quote]
Not sure mn is the place for what? Correcting dangerously out of date information? In a place where pregnant women visit frequently,??

It's massively important

www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2021/04/210422181856.htm

Summary:
In a worldwide study of 2,100 pregnant women, those who contracted COVID-19 during pregnancy were 20 times more likely to die than those who did not contract the virus.

www.aa.com.tr/en/latest-on-coronavirus-outbreak/covid-19-pregnant-women-face-higher-risk-of-death/2218584

I'm very late to this thread but I continue to be astonished by those who excoriate a pregnant woman who fears contracting Covid and so wishes to keep well away from people.

I'm 63, double vaccinated and I'm keeping well away from others, including refusing to go to a family party in a hotel (big number wedding anniversary) because of this. I don't care what others think - it's my life and my decision.

As it is for the OP.

I did attend the shower. Fortunately the weather although not sunny, was dry so we could all sit outside. We were spread out on a decent sized table and only 6 people including myself attended - kids were left at home.
A lot of effort was made with hired catering, who gave us all individual plates and the theme of the party was incredibly thoughtful towards myself and my baby with some beautiful gifts and activities.

Overall I ended up having a really lovely afternoon and I feel bad for the way I acted beforehand but at the same time I'm glad the surprise was ruined and we all agreed it was for the best we had the chat beforehand on feeling safe. So no relationships damaged.

I spoke to some people who I thought may have been hurt not attending but everyone was incredibly understanding and we will have a proper celebration when we are able.
So all good.

I don't really want to drag up the COVID vaccine debates but I spoke with my medical team this week and they have said I'm full term, they won't vaccinate, I will be booked in asap after I've given birth. I have no issues with that.

Someone asked a question regarding my isolating - when I hit week 28 I've essentially acted like in the 1st lockdown last Spring. I worked from home until maternity leave started, not seen anyone in person except my partner who I live with, the odd doorstep visitor and my midwife appointments at the Drs. Had shopping delivered and only gone out for outside walk/gentle exercise and pick up essentials masked and gloved, taking a skin antibacterial spray. So yeah I've been really careful. But to my friends credit they didn't realise/really know this. They knew I was working from home.
Family knew though as they have only been on doorstep and not been allowed to touch bump - which they haven't liked. Though again maybe didn't realise the extent I was isolating. Partner fully knew so I was surprised he was a hand in organising. But all is well that end's well I guess. Lessons learned.

Thanks for the support.

@bearfood

Just say you've been pinged and you are isolating 🤷‍♀️

oooh, genius

@LilMum23

I did attend the shower. Fortunately the weather although not sunny, was dry so we could all sit outside. We were spread out on a decent sized table and only 6 people including myself attended - kids were left at home. A lot of effort was made with hired catering, who gave us all individual plates and the theme of the party was incredibly thoughtful towards myself and my baby with some beautiful gifts and activities.

Overall I ended up having a really lovely afternoon and I feel bad for the way I acted beforehand but at the same time I'm glad the surprise was ruined and we all agreed it was for the best we had the chat beforehand on feeling safe. So no relationships damaged.

I spoke to some people who I thought may have been hurt not attending but everyone was incredibly understanding and we will have a proper celebration when we are able.
So all good.

I don't really want to drag up the COVID vaccine debates but I spoke with my medical team this week and they have said I'm full term, they won't vaccinate, I will be booked in asap after I've given birth. I have no issues with that.

Someone asked a question regarding my isolating - when I hit week 28 I've essentially acted like in the 1st lockdown last Spring. I worked from home until maternity leave started, not seen anyone in person except my partner who I live with, the odd doorstep visitor and my midwife appointments at the Drs. Had shopping delivered and only gone out for outside walk/gentle exercise and pick up essentials masked and gloved, taking a skin antibacterial spray. So yeah I've been really careful. But to my friends credit they didn't realise/really know this. They knew I was working from home.
Family knew though as they have only been on doorstep and not been allowed to touch bump - which they haven't liked. Though again maybe didn't realise the extent I was isolating. Partner fully knew so I was surprised he was a hand in organising. But all is well that end's well I guess. Lessons learned.

Thanks for the support.

Yay. Glad you had fun!!

Get vaccinated. Doctors in the UK are advising all pregnant women to get vaccinated. If your doctor "really" said you shouldn't you need a new doctor ASAP

@Rhinothunder

Get vaccinated. Doctors in the UK are advising all pregnant women to get vaccinated. If your doctor "really" said you shouldn't you need a new doctor ASAP

Common questions Can you take the COVID-19 vaccine if pregnant? COVID-19 vaccines offer pregnant women the best protection against COVID-19 disease which can be serious in later pregnancy for some women.

The first dose of COVID-19 vaccine will give you good protection. You need the second dose to get longer lasting protection. You do not need to delay this second dose.

4 days ago

COVID-19 vaccination: a guide for all women of childbearing age, pregnant or breastfeeding

www.gov.uk/government/publications/covid-19-vaccination-women-of-childbearing-age-currently-pregnant-planning-a-pregnancy-or-breastfeeding/covid-19-vaccination-a-guide-for-women-of-childbearing-age-pregnant-planning-a-pregnancy-or-breastfeeding#:~:text=COVID%2D19%20vaccines%20offer,delay%20this%20second%20dose.

If you don't want the vaccine, don't.
All these people blindly accepting this vaccine is herd mentality.