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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby Shower Drama

157 replies

LilMum23 · 19/07/2021 19:31

I found out by accident that a close friend is throwing me a surprise baby shower at the weekend.
It is a really sweet gesture, I am touched, but I'm really anxious regarding COVID19, it's not really what I want right now.

We are experiencing really high infection rates again and my doctor advised me not to get vaccinated yet due to the pregnancy and to treat myself as high risk, so I've been really careful and self isolated since start of third trimester.

I've got no doubt there will be children attending the party - who I adore - but they have been mixing at school.
I don't have the greatest faith in the 30min lateral tests.
I really don't want to put myself and my baby in risk for a bit of cake and a gathering despite the sweet intentions, I also hate letting people down too who have it seems put in a lot of effort on my behalf. Also it's supposed to be a big surprise so I'm not sure how to approach this.

I feel stuck. It's stressing me out.
What would you do????

OP posts:
Hyppogriff · 19/07/2021 21:58

Be honest. But separately get your vaccine - pregnant women in layer pregnancy are definitely being advised to get it.

HowManyToes · 19/07/2021 22:01

[quote HalloHello]@HowManyToes
It definitely is the advice in Scotland and has been for months now.[/quote]
My mistake, I’m just going by what my pregnant friend has been told. No vaccine until she delivers 🤷🏻‍♀️

MikeWozniaksGloriousTache · 19/07/2021 22:07

@bellie710

No idea but my SIL is over 35 and has been advised against it by her GP, it is also on the NHS website so there must be something in it!
Where exactly? Not here

www.nhs.uk/conditions/coronavirus-covid-19/coronavirus-vaccination/pregnancy-breastfeeding-fertility-and-coronavirus-covid-19-vaccination/

CurbsideProphet · 19/07/2021 22:08

@AnneLovesGilbert my GP wouldn't advise me either while I was going through my first IVF cycle earlier this year so I had to wait for our IVF clinic to give me the ok for the vaccine. It made a stressful time even worse.

It's ok for everyone to give links etc but there are some specific circumstances where the vaccine is advised against for the time being.

me4real · 19/07/2021 22:14

Nothing wong with you getting the vaccine OP unless there's some other reason that you haven't mentioned. As others have linked, www.nhs.uk/conditions/coronavirus-covid-19/coronavirus-vaccination/coronavirus-vaccine/

But I would just be honest with your friend. Say you somehow found out but don't feel you can go.

It's ok for everyone to give links etc but there are some specific circumstances where the vaccine is advised against for the time being.

@CurbsideProphet As far as we know OP's isn't one though. I suppose some doctors/consultants do have their own ideas about all sorts of things.

kensington09 · 19/07/2021 22:20

My midwife offered me the vaccine and when I wasn't sure and we discussed risks etc she advised as it can't be tested on pregnant women there isn't enough research for them to say it's completely safe so entirely each woman's choice, but she wouldn't if she was pregnant

Drivingmeupthewall · 19/07/2021 23:30

It wasn’t meant to be @CreamPantsuit. My SIL is an obs and gynae consultant and says that they’re recommending all pregnant women have the vaccine, unless any major health conditions. And separately, my pregnant friend admitted to me that she’s worried about the vaccine cause birth defects or loss (unproven fears) so will be going against her GPs advice to have it until after she’s given birth. Incidentally, she’s actually had Covid twice.
It’s not beyond the realms of possibility the OP is in a similar boat. It’s hardly likely to be an uncommon viewpoint in the grand scheme of things, but unlikely to be an admitted one.

Blackhawkdown2020 · 20/07/2021 02:49

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

1forAll74 · 20/07/2021 03:15

Just be honest, and tell your friend your true feelings.

Boopeedoop · 20/07/2021 03:38

My friend has covid and is in early labour right now. She's probably not going to be able to take care of the baby for the first few days and drs are talking c section because of how poorly she is.

There's no way I would be attending a baby shower at the moment.

It's a lovely thought but not safe, IMO. (ambulance crew)

wombat1a · 20/07/2021 03:47

Over in this country pregnant women are top of the queue for vaccination, in fact hospitals insist on it for anyone pregnant in order to help protect their staff.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/07/2021 03:57

I agree with a fictional "ping" especially if you post on FB...."FFS! Had the dreaded ping! So thats me out of circulation for 10 days, bit of a blessing that I had no intention to do anything but watch TV and put my feet up until the baby is here really!" or some such.

I would hate a surprise party of any kind at the best of times, but in your circs, even more so.

HoppingPavlova · 20/07/2021 04:23

Unless you have some rare underlying risk factor that has nothing to do with pregnancy, I’d think your Dr has gone mad and if it were me I’d get a new one pronto. That’s advice from a healthcare professional.

BlueLobelia · 20/07/2021 04:48

@bellie710

I love all the "experts" on pregnant women having the vaccine,

pregnant women from black, Asian and minority ethnic (BAME) backgrounds
women over the age of 35
women who are overweight or obese
women who have pre-existing medical problems, such as high blood pressure and diabetes.

They are all at risk and some are being advised against the vaccine.

The OP may well fall into any of these categories, maybe something else but her issue is the baby shower not everyone judging her for not having the vaccine!

agree with this.
Wam90 · 20/07/2021 06:10

I would have felt exactly the same, I gave birth a few weeks ago and at my 18 week appointment with the consultant he told me not to get it unless I was high risk pre pregnancy and even when the advice changed based on the American evidence I spoke to other healthcare professionals and still decided not to have it. For me, the evidence wasn’t enough to know my baby wasn’t going to have any lasting effects from the vaccination.
I was more anxious about catching it in the third trimester and kept myself away from more risky situations. I don’t think it’s fair to say the OP needs to address her “health anxiety” when being pregnant in a pandemic still carries such a large amount of uncertainty.
I think you should be honest, don’t put yourself in a position that you go on to wish that you hadn’t if something was to happen.

NakedAttraction · 20/07/2021 06:52

The OP may well fall into any of these categories, maybe something else but her issue is the baby shower not everyone judging her for not having the vaccine!

No one is judging the OP. They are questioning the advice of her GP. Huge difference. And OP specifically said her doctor recommended not to have the vaccine due to the pregnancy, she did not mention any other reason.

That said, OP has been suspiciously quiet on this thread…

Tossblanket · 20/07/2021 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 20/07/2021 10:26

When you say your doctor do you mean GP because PPs have assumed that you do but I wouldn't expect to take advice on that from a GP if you are high risk.

My consultant advised me to have it but I didn't (baby was born in June)

Anyway your health comes first. You need to be honest with your friend ASAP to keep any lost money to a minimum. A good friend will understand but I have found people have very different attitudes to covid, especially if they are not in a vulnerable situation like you are, so they may not have thought about the risks or that you may be anxious.

Tell them you're not up for a shower but maybe you could say you'll see a few of them outside for a lunch or something instead of you fancy it.

Hadjab · 20/07/2021 11:48

[quote MikeWozniaksGloriousTache]With regards to your baby shower just be honest with your friend. Better to raise it earlier in the week than last minute and if she is a good friend she will understand.

I would also be questioning why your gp is going against RCOG guidelines (provided there is no underlying reason you can’t have the vaccine) as they recommend pregnant women to get the vaccine. This isn’t about his / her opinions and is not ok tbh.
www.rcog.org.uk/en/guidelines-research-services/coronavirus-covid-19-pregnancy-and-womens-health/covid-19-vaccines-and-pregnancy/covid-19-vaccines-pregnancy-and-breastfeeding[/quote]
Key word here being guidelines. I have a friend who is a midwife, and the trust she works for are not advising pregnant women to have the vaccine.

None of which answers OP’s actual question regarding the baby shower...

MissTrip82 · 20/07/2021 12:01

@kensington09

My midwife offered me the vaccine and when I wasn't sure and we discussed risks etc she advised as it can't be tested on pregnant women there isn't enough research for them to say it's completely safe so entirely each woman's choice, but she wouldn't if she was pregnant
This is an extremely unprofessional way of giving ‘advice’. I’d be very cautious of this midwife in the future and see another if at all possible.
PurpleDaisies · 20/07/2021 12:07

Key word here being guidelines. I have a friend who is a midwife, and the trust she works for are not advising pregnant women to have the vaccine.

Which trust is this?

SmidgenofaPigeon · 20/07/2021 12:10

A whole trust advising pregnant women not to be vaccinated?

This is not true, don’t spread bollocks.

TedHastingsweeDonkey · 20/07/2021 12:26

I'd just be honest OP, say you found out by accident and whilst you are touched and grateful, you feel you are not able to take the risks of Covid that a gathering may pose. I would 100% understand and respect that if I was your friend (regardless of weather I agreed with you or not). So have faith in your friends and have a chat about it. Maybe they can come up with another form of shower (online, socially distanced with no kids etc?).

As for the vaccine, I'm completely miffed as well as all my pregnant friends / acquaintances have had their vaccines on medical advice.

Nohomemadecandles · 20/07/2021 19:16

OP hasn't been back. Not surprising since she got a beating for something she didn't ask.
Well done.

NakedAttraction · 20/07/2021 19:19

@Nohomemadecandles

OP hasn't been back. Not surprising since she got a beating for something she didn't ask. Well done.
Maybe people would have stopped banging on about the vaccine if the OP had been back to explain herself?

In any case, as I said earlier, people are absolutely not having a go at the OP. They are, quite rightly, questioning the medical advice she has received.