Female colleagues

cocomelon321 · 2021-07-19T06:56:14+00:00

Hi, First time posting but long time lurker under a previous account. I know I'm being U but not sure how I can change how I'm feeling. DH works predominantly with female colleagues mostly his age and younger, apart from maybe 2 or 3 guys which I of course feel insecure about but learning to deal with it as it's his job. However, they are all going out for drinks at the end of the month and I'm struggling to deal with the thought of him being out drinking and bonding with 7/8 beautiful women. It's one thing knowing he's at work most of the week with these ladies never mind spending an evening out drinking with them. I know it's silly to feel this way and I'm most likely BU in my feelings but I'm not sure how to settle these feelings? I have not made my feelings aware to DH as I know this is my issue not his. Would anyone else feel a bit icky with this situation? Any words of advice as I really don't want to ever tell DH who he can or can't be friends with/what he can or can't do! Please no flaming as I know it's not healthy to feel this insecure/jealous!

thisplaceisweird · 19/07/2021 07:58

How much older is he than them?
Is he George Clooney level handsome or just alright?

Honestly I've been one of the 7-8 women in these situations and could not have cared less.

HUCKMUCK · 19/07/2021 08:03

Has something happened in the past to make you feel insecure/jealous? Either with your DH or a previous relationship?

If your DH has given you reason to feel like this by last behaviour, you both Ned to deal with that. If it’s purely your own insecurity, have you thought about counselling? All your doing is making yourself miserable every time he goes to work/goes out with colleagues.

Original poster

cocomelon321 · 19/07/2021 08:04

@thisplaceisweird

How much older is he than them? Is he George Clooney level handsome or just alright?

Honestly I've been one of the 7-8 women in these situations and could not have cared less.

He is either the exact same age or a couple year older than the group.

I personally think he is and his personality and the way he is as a man is very desirable.

The silly thing is I do trust him and don't think I have anything to worry about in that sense but can't shake the icky feeling of him being out drinking outside of work with them.

I think as neither of us have opposite sex friends outside of our joint friendship group this is new territory for us both.

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Original poster

cocomelon321 · 19/07/2021 08:07

@HUCKMUCK

Has something happened in the past to make you feel insecure/jealous? Either with your DH or a previous relationship?

If your DH has given you reason to feel like this by last behaviour, you both Ned to deal with that. If it’s purely your own insecurity, have you thought about counselling? All your doing is making yourself miserable every time he goes to work/goes out with colleagues.

Nothing in this relationship that has been significant just small things from the past when we were young and immature! I do however have trust/self esteem issues due to other personal relationships.

We have been together since we were teenagers so I'm consumed with the feeling of being boring and not exciting compared to these new females in his life.

I am okay now when he is at work as I know I'm being stupid and that everyone has to work to pay the bills and you can't choose your colleagues! I bet they are all absolutely lovely people hence why I don't want to feel this way when he's seeing them outside of work.

Currently going through counselling for self esteem issues.

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PersonaNonGarter · 19/07/2021 08:08

Do you work, OP? Colleagues are just people and drinks are just drinks. I want to be kind but I think you don’t have enough going on if this is your worry.

Geamhradh · 19/07/2021 08:09

You say "of course" you're insecure about it.
Why?
I don't even know how many women my dp works with, and he probably doesn't know how many men I work with.

maslinpan · 19/07/2021 08:10

How do you know that all the women are beautiful? What about the other men who work there, presumably they will be going along as well, so it's a mixed group, quite normal.

PersonaNonGarter · 19/07/2021 08:10

Currently going through counselling for self esteem issues

You are doing the right thing for yourself with the counselling.

Sleepingdogs12 · 19/07/2021 08:12

This is an unpopular view but there is nothing wrong with being realistic about human nature. I am sure you have nothing to worry about but he also needs to have some self awareness and the boundaries need to be in place, I have experience of work colleagues behaving completely inappropriately when drunk so it isn't bad for him to think about where the line is and this might reassure you.

Winwins · 19/07/2021 08:13

I think, as hard as it is, you have to trust him. If anything’s going to happen with them, he’s not worth having, so as long as it doesn’t go on behind you’re back, you just have to trust that you’re with a good guy.

Original poster

cocomelon321 · 19/07/2021 08:14

@PersonaNonGarter

Do you work, OP? Colleagues are just people and drinks are just drinks. I want to be kind but I think you don’t have enough going on if this is your worry.

You've hit the nail on the head a bit there. I'm currently a SAHM with a baby and a toddler so nothing much going on except being a mum - which tbh is pretty hectic but I can appreciate what you mean.

I understand colleagues are just colleagues etc it's just new territory for us both as it's not his usual cuppa tea. He is very quiet and isn't into the drinking scene. We are both introverts who don't really venture out of our comfort zone (well In the past I wasn't but being a mum changed things.)

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Babdoc · 19/07/2021 08:16

OP, when you go out for drinks with your own male work colleagues, are you planning to seduce them? Does your DH waste even five seconds fretting that you might?
No? Well, it’s equally silly to think that the reverse would be true.
This is all about your own insecurity and obsession with other women’s looks, rather than what your DH’s professional female colleagues may or may not do.
You can’t keep DH locked away in a box, so you have to either trust him or leave him.
I would focus on your own issue of self esteem, and continue with therapy/counselling to deal with it.

Original poster

cocomelon321 · 19/07/2021 08:17

@Geamhradh

You say "of course" you're insecure about it. Why? I don't even know how many women my dp works with, and he probably doesn't know how many men I work with.

I guess you could say we sort of live in each other's pockets as in we are extremely close and we are best friends as well as being married so we are open about every aspect of our lives as it just has become natural, we have grown up together and have been together a long time. We haven't known a life without each other which is great but can have its downsides too.

Maybe "of course" wasn't the best way of putting it. It was meant in a way as my issues make things as insignificant as this into a big scenario in my head.

It probably doesn't help as the sort of work place it is/stories I have heard from a relative who used to work there has made things worse in my head.

I am aware it isn't normal to feel this way.

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Original poster

cocomelon321 · 19/07/2021 08:18

@maslinpan

How do you know that all the women are beautiful? What about the other men who work there, presumably they will be going along as well, so it's a mixed group, quite normal.

Unfortunately apart from one other male colleague it is all just females.

They are beautiful from what I've seen on social media and a relative I know had worked there so I have seen the women before. Also my husband is very open and honest so when he has been doing a bit of "internet stalking" to get to know his colleagues (both male and female) he has asked if I want to be nosy with him.

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ErrolTheDragon · 19/07/2021 08:18

You're being quite sexist tbh. You don't seem to be viewing these women as proper professional colleagues of your DH.

Original poster

cocomelon321 · 19/07/2021 08:19

@PersonaNonGarter

Currently going through counselling for self esteem issues

You are doing the right thing for yourself with the counselling.

Thank you :)

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bloodyhell19 · 19/07/2021 08:19

You're making a huge assumption that any of these women would be remotely interested in your DH. Just because he's attractive to you, doesn't mean he's attractive to anyone else. And tbh OP, if your DH was in the business of cheating on you, he wouldn't have to wait for after work drinks. Worrying about that won't change the outcome. YABVVU.

Saidtoomuch · 19/07/2021 08:20

Please don't let your issues affect your relationship and his work.
In insecure wives used to cause problems for me at work when I was younger in a very male industry working with their (unattractive to me) husbands. I would be left out of some away projects - they would joke "if we take saidtoomuch we'll be in trouble at home". If I went along for the hotel stays they would have to lie about me being there. Once we went out in a manager's car for a lunch meeting and I had to hide when we pulled into the car park, as the manager's wife had turned up to collect keys, or whatever. It made me feel crap.

Original poster

cocomelon321 · 19/07/2021 08:20

@Sleepingdogs12

This is an unpopular view but there is nothing wrong with being realistic about human nature. I am sure you have nothing to worry about but he also needs to have some self awareness and the boundaries need to be in place, I have experience of work colleagues behaving completely inappropriately when drunk so it isn't bad for him to think about where the line is and this might reassure you.

Thanks for your opinion.

Things that have happened close to me in the past with situations like this have definitely tainted how I feel which is a shame as I used to be super confident.

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EmmaGrundyForPM · 19/07/2021 08:20

I think you are very insecure. My dh works in a small organisation where there are only 2 men, all the rest are women. It's honestly never occurred to me to be worried about this. They very rarely go out for team drinks apart from Christmas, but I do know he sometimes goes for lunch with a female colleague if they want to chat about things away from the office. It's work. I've been to lunch with male colleagues before, just as I have with female colleagues. Sometimes you need to discuss things away from an open plan office environment.

Unless you have reason to distrust him, you need to get some perspective on this.

Original poster

cocomelon321 · 19/07/2021 08:21

@Winwins

I think, as hard as it is, you have to trust him. If anything’s going to happen with them, he’s not worth having, so as long as it doesn’t go on behind you’re back, you just have to trust that you’re with a good guy.

That's the thing I trust him 100%, he is such a stand up guy completely family orientated and is the husband I'd always dreamed of having which is why I feel even worse that i feel this way. I don't know why I feel the way I do if I trust him 100%, I think it's the fear of losing someone else I love.

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Original poster

cocomelon321 · 19/07/2021 08:22

@Babdoc

OP, when you go out for drinks with your own male work colleagues, are you planning to seduce them? Does your DH waste even five seconds fretting that you might? No? Well, it’s equally silly to think that the reverse would be true. This is all about your own insecurity and obsession with other women’s looks, rather than what your DH’s professional female colleagues may or may not do. You can’t keep DH locked away in a box, so you have to either trust him or leave him. I would focus on your own issue of self esteem, and continue with therapy/counselling to deal with it.

I can appreciate what you've said. Believe me I don't want to be feeling this way. I used to be super confident and both of us growing up had friends of the opposite sex but over the last few years after having kids I feel very low in my self esteem.

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Original poster

cocomelon321 · 19/07/2021 08:23

@ErrolTheDragon

You're being quite sexist tbh. You don't seem to be viewing these women as proper professional colleagues of your DH.

I don't think I'm being sexist in the slightest. I have never once said that his colleagues aren't professional and as I've said in a previous comment I'm sure they are lovely people. This isn't about them in the slightest, it is about me and my own issues.

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Brefugee · 19/07/2021 08:24

DH works predominantly with female colleagues mostly his age and younger, apart from maybe 2 or 3 guys which I of course feel insecure about

No "of course" about it unless you think women go to work toshag married men and you don't trust your husband?

I've worked with men with insecure wives before and, frankly, I wanted to give them a good shake and the reminder that a) we're there to work and b) he's not all that.

You need to work on your insecurity

Original poster

cocomelon321 · 19/07/2021 08:24

@bloodyhell19

You're making a huge assumption that any of these women would be remotely interested in your DH. Just because he's attractive to you, doesn't mean he's attractive to anyone else. And tbh OP, if your DH was in the business of cheating on you, he wouldn't have to wait for after work drinks. Worrying about that won't change the outcome. YABVVU.

I haven't said in any of my posts that I think they would be interested. All I've done is ask for advice on how to stop feeling this way. I bet they are all extremely lovely friendly people and I trust my DH hence why I feel silly feeling this icky way.

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