Female colleagues

[cocomelon321]

Hi,

First time posting but long time lurker under a previous account.

I know I'm being U but not sure how I can change how I'm feeling.

DH works predominantly with female colleagues mostly his age and younger, apart from maybe 2 or 3 guys which I of course feel insecure about but learning to deal with it as it's his job. However, they are all going out for drinks at the end of the month and I'm struggling to deal with the thought of him being out drinking and bonding with 7/8 beautiful women. It's one thing knowing he's at work most of the week with these ladies never mind spending an evening out drinking with them. I know it's silly to feel this way and I'm most likely BU in my feelings but I'm not sure how to settle these feelings? I have not made my feelings aware to DH as I know this is my issue not his.

Would anyone else feel a bit icky with this situation? Any words of advice as I really don't want to ever tell DH who he can or can't be friends with/what he can or can't do!

Please no flaming as I know it's not healthy to feel this insecure/jealous!

@Saidtoomuch

Please don't let your issues affect your relationship and his work. In insecure wives used to cause problems for me at work when I was younger in a very male industry working with their (unattractive to me) husbands. I would be left out of some away projects - they would joke "if we take saidtoomuch we'll be in trouble at home". If I went along for the hotel stays they would have to lie about me being there. Once we went out in a manager's car for a lunch meeting and I had to hide when we pulled into the car park, as the manager's wife had turned up to collect keys, or whatever. It made me feel crap.

I am so sorry you were ever made to feel this way. This is why I would never tell my DH how I feel as I know the only person to fault is myself. I would like to add that my DH is close with a female colleague from his old job and she is lovely, I have had her over to our house in the last and she is one of the nicest girls I've come across.

I would hate for any of his colleagues to be made to feel this way. Whenever I see them at work if dropping off I always make sure to smile and encourage DH to make them feel included in the workplace etc it just seems to be this icky feeling about going out drinking with a female group. I know it's silly.

@EmmaGrundyForPM

I think you are very insecure. My dh works in a small organisation where there are only 2 men, all the rest are women. It's honestly never occurred to me to be worried about this. They very rarely go out for team drinks apart from Christmas, but I do know he sometimes goes for lunch with a female colleague if they want to chat about things away from the office. It's work. I've been to lunch with male colleagues before, just as I have with female colleagues. Sometimes you need to discuss things away from an open plan office environment.

Unless you have reason to distrust him, you need to get some perspective on this.

This is what I have been looking for. I needed to hear from someone who has this going on to know that it's normal and it's nothing to worry about! I know I'm insecure and I hate this feeling with every fibre of my being. I love my DH and I really do want him to feel happy at work and to have people he can lean on to get through the working day it's just the outside of work drinks I feel weird about but again like I've said in other posts I know this is my issue to deal with.

@Brefugee

DH works predominantly with female colleagues mostly his age and younger, apart from maybe 2 or 3 guys which I of course feel insecure about

No "of course" about it unless you think women go to work toshag married men and you don't trust your husband?

I've worked with men with insecure wives before and, frankly, I wanted to give them a good shake and the reminder that a) we're there to work and b) he's not all that.

You need to work on your insecurity

In the process of working on it. As I've said previously I don't want to be this sort of wife and haven't made my feelings known out loud hence why starting a thread so I can gain perspective and give my head a wobble!

The "of course" comment was made in the sense of due to my previous issues my view of things have been tainted by people close to me.

Post update to clarify a few things.

This will make the whole situation even more stupid but it isn't about trust for my DH and I know his colleagues are most likely not interested it just seems to be an off feeling of him making strong bonds outside of the workplace with these Colleagues.

Both my Dad and DH dad have both left for other women both of which started as just friends from work which is what is putting me on edge the most. I feel okay in the workplace as work is work but I can't shift this feeling of feelings developing by spending more and more time together in a more social setting.

I'd also like to add that DH has a female friend from his previous job who he messages regularly and has been to our house etc so I promise I'm not a psychotic wife.

I actively encourage DH to make his female colleagues feel included and to always think of their feelings etc it's my inside feelings (which I don't make clear to DH) I'm battling with. I am always always nice to the girls when I see them or bump into them.

You either trust him or you don't.

If you don't then you have big problems in your relationship that go beyond him socialising at work.

@GintyMcGinty

You either trust him or you don't.

If you don't then you have big problems in your relationship that go beyond him socialising at work.

I trust him 100% not to cheat on me or to act on any feelings. Anyone can develop feelings for someone that is out with their control and that's what scares me. He is the type of man who would leave first rather than cheat but that is equally as scary.

I used to work in an environment where we would go on ‘away’ jobs (about 1 week in 3) and stay in hotels with colleagues. Sometimes it was me and one bloke, sometimes a huge group. What the single folk got up to, who knows, but I promise I could go out for dinner with a chap and not in any way come onto him. I wasn’t interested.

@DelurkingAJ

I used to work in an environment where we would go on ‘away’ jobs (about 1 week in 3) and stay in hotels with colleagues. Sometimes it was me and one bloke, sometimes a huge group. What the single folk got up to, who knows, but I promise I could go out for dinner with a chap and not in any way come onto him. I wasn’t interested.

That's nice to hear. Sometimes reassurance of other people's experiences can really put into perspective how silly things are and to help calm down.

The thing is can't you see how shitty it is for the countless women who are sidelibed for being women, have to work twice as hard to be thought half as good and just want to get on with their job/career to read posts like this?

You know YABU so I'm not really sure why you asked? Then massive drip-feed about your DF & DH.

Who you really need to hear from are people who have got over this. Glad you're addressing the insecurity though.

And when/if you get back to the workplace, hope you don't have colleagues with a wife as insecure as the one I had: she called just about all the women in the company at irregular intervals to accuse us of sagging her husband who was completely innocent and a nice chap. He had to leave in the end.

@Brefugee

The thing is can't you see how shitty it is for the countless women who are sidelibed for being women, have to work twice as hard to be thought half as good and just want to get on with their job/career to read posts like this?

You know YABU so I'm not really sure why you asked? Then massive drip-feed about your DF & DH.

Who you really need to hear from are people who have got over this. Glad you're addressing the insecurity though.

And when/if you get back to the workplace, hope you don't have colleagues with a wife as insecure as the one I had: she called just about all the women in the company at irregular intervals to accuse us of sagging her husband who was completely innocent and a nice chap. He had to leave in the end.

I know exactly how hard it is for women as I have been one of them in the workplace and that is why I do my best to advise DH when it comes to his female colleagues as I know how hard it is.

I asked on the post for advice on how to deal with feeling this way so yes there is a point in the post. I personally didn't think it was relative to point out in the first instance as I wanted advice for my feelings not to be told to get counselling etc about DF. I added it to the post as I realised without it I sound like I am being very unreasonable and feeling this way for the fun of it.

I would never and have never let my insecurities be know to DH and I sure as hell wouldn't take it out on his colleagues and I would never treat any of his female colleagues differently as I've said this is my problem not theirs.

I think you need to get some form of your own life, being a SAHM can isolate you and you lose perspective of the normal working world.

This may help with your self esteem issues too, any plans to return to work?

This isn't just about women in the work place , this is about colleagues socialising outside of work with alcohol involved. You don't have to be totally ok, never give it a seconds thought and throw your husband together with people nor do you need to be totally paranoid about it. You need to get it in perspective and I am not sure this thread is going to help you do that.

@sabrinathemiddleagewitch

I think you need to get some form of your own life, being a SAHM can isolate you and you lose perspective of the normal working world.

This may help with your self esteem issues too, any plans to return to work?

I had been back at work but had to give it up completely as DH career change meant childcare costs were more than I was earning a month so it wasn't worth it.

Unfortunately no plans anytime soon as we couldn't afford nursery fees for 2 DC.

Theres always the possibility and its fine to be aware of that, but if youre let it overtake your thoughts then its a sign that you dont value yourself enough or are for some reason getting the feeling that he doesnt value you enough. Is he flirty with other women or just normal with them? Are you getting enough sleep and time to yourself. Do you get to go out with friends? Does your partner make you feel special and cherished?
Why do you feel worried about these colleagues? You speak as though theyre all exotic and interesting.
What do you think would boost your confidence

@Sleepingdogs12

This isn't just about women in the work place , this is about colleagues socialising outside of work with alcohol involved. You don't have to be totally ok, never give it a seconds thought and throw your husband together with people nor do you need to be totally paranoid about it. You need to get it in perspective and I am not sure this thread is going to help you do that.

You're completely right. In my head I thought this thread would help as I'd hear from other men/women that they feel the same about their OH drinking out with work but that it's normal and they just get on with things as it's not a big deal.

I have said many times it's my own issues etc and I'm trying to address them I only sought advice as I didn't want DH to know how I was feeling as it's not his fault.

It's lonely being a SAHM, and if I had someone to talk to in real life about how I feel or for advice I wouldn't have started this thread

@ErrolTheDragon

You're being quite sexist tbh. You don't seem to be viewing these women as proper professional colleagues of your DH.

That's unnecessary and harsh, and where is your evidence?

Kindly intended ….Have you seen these 7-8 beautiful women? In an average office you may get someone LGBT, a couple of overweight ones, a harassed mum … and beautiful women tend not be single and up for a quick ONS. Nobody wants to be known as the office bike.

You know you ABU and I wonder whether your DH is one of those people who doesn’t mention people’s bad points when talking about them (IRL I’m like this - never a bad word).

My DH has mostly female colleagues. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Most of them have their own partners and DH is fat and not attractive. But also I trust him implicitly, he wouldn’t jeopardise his opportunity to raise his own kids by cheating on me and getting kicked out.

@Branleuse

Theres always the possibility and its fine to be aware of that, but if youre let it overtake your thoughts then its a sign that you dont value yourself enough or are for some reason getting the feeling that he doesnt value you enough. Is he flirty with other women or just normal with them? Are you getting enough sleep and time to yourself. Do you get to go out with friends? Does your partner make you feel special and cherished? Why do you feel worried about these colleagues? You speak as though theyre all exotic and interesting. What do you think would boost your confidence

Thank you so much for what you've posted. It's nice having someone ask about me and to try and gain an understanding.

I definitely don't value myself much and don't have a high opinion of myself. It makes everything worse and I look even sillier but no DH isn't a flirt, he's the opposite and is very awkward around females and comes across as if he has no interest in them in that sense. If anything he treats them just as he would a guy friend and doesn't see "gender" just them as people.

I'm home most days myself other than the odd visit from family as my friends all work full time. My day begins at 6am and doesn't end until I go to bed! My husband is great in the sense of actively encouraging me to have time for myself and to go out with friends etc but it just hasn't happened just the odd few occasions as our free time doesn't land on the same days - the joys of my friendship group.

My partner is lovely he really is my best friend and always makes me feel loved and valued, our sex life is one sided lately as I'm always the one making moves but he is very stressed from work so it isn't as active as I'd like.

I don't know exactly how to word my worries but I'm worried that he realises they are everything I'm not. They will have things in common and bond on a level that goes beyond colleagues. One particular colleague hasn't been nice to me on occasion and I feel uneasy knowing she will be there and that they will be friendly with each other when she couldn't give me the time of day.

Wouldn't worry me tbh. My manager is male and the rest of team are female all his age. Wouldn't even cross our minds.

If you are worried have sex with him before he goes but you should trust him

@NoBetterthanSheShouldBe

Kindly intended ….Have you seen these 7-8 beautiful women? In an average office you may get someone LGBT, a couple of overweight ones, a harassed mum … and beautiful women tend not be single and up for a quick ONS. Nobody wants to be known as the office bike.

You know you ABU and I wonder whether your DH is one of those people who doesn’t mention people’s bad points when talking about them (IRL I’m like this - never a bad word).

Your right in what you say and I have probably put these woman on a pedestal in my head. I just see beauty/attractiveness in most humans as I like to see the best in people so even if they are lacking in looks if they have a nice personality to me they are attractive. I wish I didn't see it this way though as life would be a lot easier lol.

My DH is like me in that he likes to see the good in people and doesn't like to bring anyone down so always paints people in a nice light which is a lovely trait to have but not good when your wife is an insecure witch lol.

You are making an issue out of something quite normal. In the past I've worked in predominantly male environments so the friends I made through work were mostly men. We would do normal things like lunch or after work drinks. If I hadn't made friends with men I would have been very isolated. One of them I'm still friends with with nearly 40 years later. We meet every couple of years for a meal or a concert and my DH and his wife don't have a problem with it. I have never had a fling or relationship with any male (or female) colleague.

I know your dad and FIL both cheated with people from work but generally married people don’t go out for drinks with a group of colleagues and randomly fall in love with one of them. People drink with the opposite sex all the time without developing feelings. Heck, I’m bisexual and manage to spend lots of time with friends and colleagues of all genders without having an affair!

… and beautiful women tend not be single and up for a quick ONS. Nobody wants to be known as the office bike.

You really think this is ok to say about women? Let's not pretend it's an equal opportunity statement either. It is utterly grim though.

@SilverOak

My DH has mostly female colleagues. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Most of them have their own partners and DH is fat and not attractive. But also I trust him implicitly, he wouldn’t jeopardise his opportunity to raise his own kids by cheating on me and getting kicked out.

I know DH would hate to risk losing his kids more than anything in this world. It's nice to hear from a wife who's husband works with mostly female and it not phasing them as I want this to be me!