Female colleagues

[cocomelon321]

Hi,

First time posting but long time lurker under a previous account.

I know I'm being U but not sure how I can change how I'm feeling.

DH works predominantly with female colleagues mostly his age and younger, apart from maybe 2 or 3 guys which I of course feel insecure about but learning to deal with it as it's his job. However, they are all going out for drinks at the end of the month and I'm struggling to deal with the thought of him being out drinking and bonding with 7/8 beautiful women. It's one thing knowing he's at work most of the week with these ladies never mind spending an evening out drinking with them. I know it's silly to feel this way and I'm most likely BU in my feelings but I'm not sure how to settle these feelings? I have not made my feelings aware to DH as I know this is my issue not his.

Would anyone else feel a bit icky with this situation? Any words of advice as I really don't want to ever tell DH who he can or can't be friends with/what he can or can't do!

Please no flaming as I know it's not healthy to feel this insecure/jealous!

Op seriously I recommend getting help through therapy for this. I used to be very jealous and anxious in relationships and it was based on childhood issues with my family.

You simply can't ask your partner to stay away from colleagues and never socialise. Imagine woman saying her husband didn't want her going for work drinks.

I hugely sympathise but if he is generally a good guy then this one is your issue ti resolve

@pheonixrebirth

I can completely empathise with your feelings. I was exactly the same as you when I became a SAHM. It's not a great feeling, you some how feel that the job you are now doing is somewhat less than. And others who are working in an office for example are legitimately working. Your feelings are compounded with your family histories and that wonderful thing (not) called social media, which thankfully I didn't have to deal with back in the day.

I had a massive jealous streak at the same time and do think that it is linked.
I quite literally would drive myself crazy, imagining all kinds of scenarios where my other half cheated, my heart rate would be through the roof as I panicked about what my OH was up to. The reality was that nothing at all untoward was going on, only in my head. And of course, I knew it was irrational and really didn't want to feel that way.

It was as if I'd reached my limit of crazy one day when I just had a moment of absolute clarity and I just thought to myself, what can you actually do about it -NOTHING! If he's going to cheat then he will cheat. Until that happens I am destroying myself and could possibly damage our relationship with just my imagination. How crazy am I?

At that moment I made a conscious choice to enjoy my life and relationship and just have faith that what will be will be.
There are many things in life we have no control of and this is one of them.

That's exactly how I feel with regards to not having a proper job it's as though I feel inadequate.

I'm sorry you felt that way previously but I'm glad to hear from someone who has felt this way.

I really hope through time I gain my confidence back.

@Alannawhorideslikeaman

The way I look at it is if he wants to go off with another women, he's more than welcome to - I don't want him if he's that kind of person.

I trust my husband, so I have no issues with him going out and spending time with colleagues. I have lots of make colleague friends who I spend time with and he has the same level of trust (and importantly, respect) in me. Yes sometimes people prove to be untrust worthy, but you married this man, you really ought to give him the benefit of the doubt to start with!

That's completely true and I hope to feel this confident through time and know my worth.

I trust my husband 100% so need to stop working myself up and building scenarios in my head.

@79andnotout

I'm a female in a male dominated industry and I have to travel a lot with my colleagues. Sometimes I'm away for two weeks staying in a hotel, travelling, eating, socialising with my male colleagues. My DP doesn't give a rats ass, he trusts me. However some of the wives of my colleagues have had concerns. The easiest way to deal with it is to get to know them a bit. I've gone round to their houses for dinner, met the kids, etc etc, shown I'm not the slightest bit interested in husband stealing and that we're just friends/colleagues.

That's lovely that you go out your way to make the wives feel non threatened although you shouldn't have to do that.

I think if I did know them I wouldn't feel this way but again DH is allowed a life outside of me so would in no way expect to meet them unless it happens naturally,

@Bluedeblue

I can resonate with how you feel. My first H cheated on me multiple times, and it was ages before I found out. Ironically, I was never insecure with him, never ever thought he would be the the type. We'd been together since our teens, had worked our way up the career ladder, gorgeous big house, nice cars, lovely children. And then someone told me what had been happening (for years). I was so shocked! I eventually left him, and I am now married to someone else.

My paranoia with my 2nd DH, was at times, off the scale. I hated it when he went out with work. I would check his phone, his social media etc. I remember feeling sick with worry when the Christmas works do, was at a hotel and everyone was staying over. Strictly no partners and lots of attractive people.

I don't feel like this any more though. And I think the "cure" was just time. We've been together for 13 years now, and there's never been a hint of anything inappropriate.

Of course this doesn't help you! But I do remember, when I was feeling insecure, one thing that did help me was thinking "if he cheated, what is the worst thing that will happen?".....the world will still be turning, no-one will be dead, I'll just move on. I think that did help me to get some perspective.

Thanks very much for your perspective. I'm so sorry about what you went through with your first DH and happy to hear that you now feel at ease with current DH. It gives me confidence that I too won't feel this way forever.

@Nanny0gg

I think you both need to widen your circles and get out of each others' pockets

I appreciate what your saying but this is what is natural for us and the way we both love. It's not controlling or toxic we are jsut at our happiest when we are together. DH constantly jokes that he wishes we could win the lotto so we can build our own fortress. We both have plenty of alone time or time out with our family etc without the other but we just prefer being with each other over a large friendship group.

@Neondisco

My OH works with lots of women. He's in comms in health and social care. So I think both the comms and h&s element attract women. He manages a team of all women, his manager is a woman.

Honestly it doesn't bother me. He does zoom drinks and quizzes occasionally. And when times were normal would have drinks with his team and wider work team who are mainly women.

He does so much for me and we're really happy. I don't feel by just being around women he's going to cheat or is having his head turned, iyswim. If he was hoing to do those things and be that type he would regardless of howany women he's around.

This is the way I used to feel. I never batted an eyelid and knew I was the one he wanted. He hasn't changed at all he is still the same man with the same values etc but for some reason my insecurities have grown arms and legs.

@pinkstripeycat

Other people won’t find your husband as attractive (physically or personality) as you do. Going out for a work do won’t make them fancy him more than if they were at work. The world is full of woman and they won’t all be after your DH, equally he won’t be after them. Relax. Don’t get worked up about nothing

Thank you and I know this deep down.

I think your rationale for worrying is that work drinks etc can lead to flings. Few drinks everyone’s relaxed, folk get carried away etc… that’s the epitome of an example where things can happen between colleagues.

So YANBU to be feel a bit worried because this is one of the prime examples of when infidelity could happen.

Having said that, if a man is going to cheat, he will cheat regardless. He’ll find an excuse either way so if you trust you DH then try to put your concerns to the side op.

I also think what the offer pp said about the women. They probably wouldn’t think twice about your husband in that way because they’re probably in relationships anyway. So try not to worry

@pinkstripeycat

Other people won’t find your husband as attractive (physically or personality) as you do. Going out for a work do won’t make them fancy him more than if they were at work. The world is full of woman and they won’t all be after your DH, equally he won’t be after them. Relax. Don’t get worked up about nothing

Is it silly that I don't care if they do find him extremely desirable as I trust him not to act on it but I hate the thought of him wanting them?

You have a baby and a toddler - he needs to be coming home straight from work to help you out.

Bloody selfish to go out drinking and leave you with all the work.

Not being funny but if you are having counselling for low self esteem perhaps he isn't as desirable to other women as you think?

Plan something to look forward to fpr ypu.

FWIW even IF the worst happens you could pick yourself up and move forward. He isnt the only option for happiness, its perfectly possible to be happy alone or with someone new. Once you feel stronger you will know that. In the short term dont waste time wondering what if, or allocate 5 mins per day to really focus on worrying about it. You might feel unable to control your feelings but you CAN tale charge of WHEN you feel them. The more you let the worry in the more it will breed.

@Chikapu

You sound to be way too dependant on each other, being married doesn't mean being joined at the hip and having a conniption every time the other one goes out. That sounds stifling and unhealthy. How old are you both that you've never been on a works night out?

I can appreciate your opinion but for us it doesn't feel unhealthy at all. We have grown together and we really are best friends and are st our happiest when we are with each other. We have lots of time out from each other and alone time but we just prefer when we do have free time to spend it together.

I'm mid 20s. My previous job role was an older male dominated environment so works nights out were never a thing especially not for me being invited anyway!

@Brefugee She is working on her insecurity. Which is why she is in therapy to deal with low self esteem.

OP I think you know its your self esteem speaking here. What tools do you think you have so far now from your counselling that you can use to tone down the negative chatter and settle yourself. Can you talk about this particular issue in your upcoming session. In the meanwhile, know that these are just colleagues and there is a very very high chance nothing will happen. Young and beautiful is not every man's fantasy

I think you’re doing really well. You have some feelings that are both uncomfortable and unhelpful and you can see this.
The solution is to sit with them, accept them. Maybe ask them, “how are you trying to help me?”.

You sound incredibly loving. Support and encourage him to go out in a divider ring that isn’t in his comfort zone.

@ErrolTheDragon

Apologies if I misinterpreted your earlier posts OP. Probably struck a nerve of my own.

No don't worry about it we are all entitled to our opinion, I know what I was opening up when I started this post.

I'm sorry if you've ever been made to feel this way in the workplace etc and it certainly isn't my intention to be that way.

I have been left out at work due to being young and a female and would hate for anyone to be made to feel that way hence why I don't say how I feel out loud.

@waterrat

Op seriously I recommend getting help through therapy for this. I used to be very jealous and anxious in relationships and it was based on childhood issues with my family.

You simply can't ask your partner to stay away from colleagues and never socialise. Imagine woman saying her husband didn't want her going for work drinks.

I hugely sympathise but if he is generally a good guy then this one is your issue ti resolve

It is definitely my issue to resolve and I would never tell him he couldn't do something, I don't even tell him when I'm feeling this way as I know it's my problem to deal with and would hate for him to ever feel at fault.

I have recognised how unhealthy my feelings can be hence why I undergo counselling to try resolve some childhood issues

Well considering there is a high rate of marriage break-up in the UK and an even higher rate of affairs, and many many affairs start in the workplace, I just cannot understand why so many posters seem all faux-astonished that you would worry.
Of course you’ll worry, just as you’ll worry that your child might be injured or a loved one might fall ill...all those worries in life we all have. Just take sensible precautions - keep communications open between you, try not to let your insecurities ruin your life. All DHs meet women every day. Your DH sounds nice and so do you, so let’s hope things stay that way🙂

@TableFlowerss

I think your rationale for worrying is that work drinks etc can lead to flings. Few drinks everyone’s relaxed, folk get carried away etc… that’s the epitome of an example where things can happen between colleagues.

So YANBU to be feel a bit worried because this is one of the prime examples of when infidelity could happen.

Having said that, if a man is going to cheat, he will cheat regardless. He’ll find an excuse either way so if you trust you DH then try to put your concerns to the side op.

I also think what the offer pp said about the women. They probably wouldn’t think twice about your husband in that way because they’re probably in relationships anyway. So try not to worry

Thank you for your post. What you've described definitely is a worry of mine but you are so right in saying if someone is going to cheat they would find a way regardless

I have anxiety so I know how you feel .. but the fact is that if he's going to cheat, he will however much you worry about it .. and if he's loyal, it won't matter how many beautiful girls he's surrounded by or how handsome he is, he won't do anything disloyal to you.

It's not about the situation, but about the trust you have in him. If he's never given you any reason to distrust him, as hard as it is, you have to try and relax.

@NannyAndJohn

You have a baby and a toddler - he needs to be coming home straight from work to help you out.

Bloody selfish to go out drinking and leave you with all the work.

In his defence it's rarely he goes out drinking, on the occasions he goes out with friends it's usually once he's got the kids to bed and he's usually just at their house. He's not a drinking/going out type usually.

As much as I hate the thought of him going I will give him his due as he is a great dad

Regardless of whether they are attractive in most men's eyes, or not, is it really wise for a work group to be doing this? A recipe for Covid spreading and self-isolation.

That could be an argument for him declining or seeking for the event to be postponed.

Pre covid myself and colleagues used to go out for drinks quite regularly, just because some of them were men it doesn't mean the atmosphere was flirty or anything untoward was going on. It sounds like perhaps if you had time to go out with friends and strike more of a balance of being home all the time and being in mum mode might be helpful?

@RealBecca

Not being funny but if you are having counselling for low self esteem perhaps he isn't as desirable to other women as you think?

Plan something to look forward to fpr ypu.

FWIW even IF the worst happens you could pick yourself up and move forward. He isnt the only option for happiness, its perfectly possible to be happy alone or with someone new. Once you feel stronger you will know that. In the short term dont waste time wondering what if, or allocate 5 mins per day to really focus on worrying about it. You might feel unable to control your feelings but you CAN tale charge of WHEN you feel them. The more you let the worry in the more it will breed.

DH isn't the reason for my low self esteem it stems from childhood and issues with my DF, DH is always trying to build my confidence etc and he really is such a stand up man. I'm constantly being told by my friends how lucky I am to have him etc which makes me feel even more guilty for feeling this way.

I think I need to arrange a girls night to try take my mind of everything else.

[quote GingerScallop]@Brefugee She is working on her insecurity. Which is why she is in therapy to deal with low self esteem.

OP I think you know its your self esteem speaking here. What tools do you think you have so far now from your counselling that you can use to tone down the negative chatter and settle yourself. Can you talk about this particular issue in your upcoming session. In the meanwhile, know that these are just colleagues and there is a very very high chance nothing will happen. Young and beautiful is not every man's fantasy[/quote]
Right now talking is fine at the time and for a few days afterwards I feel as though I'm finally getting somewhere and then I slip up and feel like this all over again. I'm also on AD for my depression/anxiety and really trying to work on myself. I am having more good days than bad lately but the bad take over.

On a good day I feel fine about the night out and feel confident within my marriage but when I have a bad day I feel overwhelmed with it all.