Female colleagues

[cocomelon321]

Hi,

First time posting but long time lurker under a previous account.

I know I'm being U but not sure how I can change how I'm feeling.

DH works predominantly with female colleagues mostly his age and younger, apart from maybe 2 or 3 guys which I of course feel insecure about but learning to deal with it as it's his job. However, they are all going out for drinks at the end of the month and I'm struggling to deal with the thought of him being out drinking and bonding with 7/8 beautiful women. It's one thing knowing he's at work most of the week with these ladies never mind spending an evening out drinking with them. I know it's silly to feel this way and I'm most likely BU in my feelings but I'm not sure how to settle these feelings? I have not made my feelings aware to DH as I know this is my issue not his.

Would anyone else feel a bit icky with this situation? Any words of advice as I really don't want to ever tell DH who he can or can't be friends with/what he can or can't do!

Please no flaming as I know it's not healthy to feel this insecure/jealous!

You posts/thread is fine, cocomelon321, I understand the rationale completely and I can hear the anxiety in your words.

You know your husband and you trust him. In your situation I would voice my fears to him and let him reassure you. I'd do it only once though, more than that would indicate that I didn't trust him after all.

I hope the counselling works for you

OP in the nicest possible way it's hardly a rave or him "getting into the drinking scene". It's a few pints at a pub where they will probably just talk about work.

If you're feeling insecure you need to stop looking his colleagues up on social media and obsessing over them. It's not healthy and it's creepy.

My husband manages a team of all women in their twenties

They are Italian and beautiful

They go out once a month as a team

I don't bat an eyelid

@ThePlantsitter

The chances of all 7/8 women being beautiful are pretty slim . Also work social events in my experience tend to be pretty much bitching about clients/managers/people who pretend to be too helpless to use the photocopier but really they think it's beneath them to try, and not a glamorous sex-fest as you seem to imagine - but that's not the point.

I've been a SAHM so I sort of know these feeling, although I think yours are quite extreme. You're right not to talk to him about it because he will see it as you trying to police him rather than discuss your feelings.

Counselling is good and you also need to find something for yourself outside the family. I know this isn't easy but if you can't or don't want to go back to work you absolutely need to be out of the house doing something that doesn't have anything to do with your small children or your husband at least once a week. Otherwise it's very easy for your life to get smaller and smaller and the person who leaves the house takes on a glamour and actually an authority that is both inaccurate (of course) and really unhealthy.

I realised this myself when I tried to make conversation with my H by telling him I had bought a new washing line for the rotary dryer and feeling offended that he wasn't that interested. I mean, who would be?? And why was I? I was a person beyond the small domestic sphere and so are you!

I haven't had works nights out so I'm my head I've built them up into something they are clearly not lol.

Exactly, I would hate for him to feel that way and it is not my intention to ever control his actions.

I will definitely have a think of something that interest me outside of the family as I agree it will be beneficial.

I lol'd there as this has become my life lately and I didn't realise how boring I must sound!

@JackGrealishIsMyNewManCrush

I don't think you need to feel insecure or upset, as it's a bunch of women all together.

Now if he was going out with - or AWAY on a works trip with - one woman only, then YANBU to be worried/anxious/pissed off.

You should only be worried now @cocomelon321 if your husband is someone who hits on women fairly regularly. OR has had a fling before.

Thank you.

He is definitely not that sort of man. Well not that I'm aware of anyway!

@Auntienumber8

My Mother said to me if a man is going to be unfaithful he will and never waste your life worrying about it. Because they are not worth your time. She was of course totally correct.

It’s your self esteem issues coupled with being stuck at home with small dc which is boring for some as much as we love them and probably not feeling at your physical best which is causing you current pain.

Your mum is completely right! I just wish I could be as strong as that.

@Iamthewombat

Don’t be that woman, OP.

You have explained your position well, and although I don’t share your feelings, I can see some of your reasons for feeling as you do.

You just have to stop with the negative feelings. You can’t make it evidence-based; it’s a leap of faith. Just stop. Otherwise you won’t be able to help acting on those feelings. It will start with attempting to catch your DH out when he tells you about a night out with colleagues, trying to find flaws in the story, and it will escalate.

I’ve seen it happen with friends, and also with male colleagues. One man’s wife actually tailed us (her husband and me, I was giving him a lift from the office) to a client meeting, with her children in the car, to check that we weren’t going to a hotel together. Which came out after he spotted her and called her to ask what she was doing.

Even though childcare costs more than you could earn, I’d still suggest getting back to work ASAP. That has all kinds of benefits, not least pension contributions, and will put you into a mixed environment where you can be reassured that for most people, an affair with married work colleagues is very low down the priority list!

I certain never ever want to reach that level of distrust or insecurity. I don't want to be that wife hence why I'm trying my hardest to help myself and not letting it show to DH.

@Youdiditanyway

I wouldn’t like this either. DH works with a mixture of men and women although his department is predominantly male. He knows I wouldn’t be comfortable with him going to the pub with lots of women and he wouldn’t be comfortable vice versa. We’re both insecure bastards I guess but it’s just a boundary we have. Drinks with the guys, sure but the women in the office nope. I’m not a ‘cool wife’ type though and think colleagues should just be colleagues and that’s it. I’d never even think to ask men in my department out for drinks even if they’re twice my age!

It's extremely difficult isn't it. This is how I currently feel but I don't want to be this way I want to feel confident no matter where or who DH is with. It's not easy trying to change how you feel.

I wouldn't mind at all. They are colleagues. If he was going out with one of the women, yes I wouldn't like it. But a work function is perfectly fine.

@GCandproud

I have also been a woman working with married men with insecure wives. I had no interest whatsoever in having a relationship with any of them but while the men used to be understanding/sympathetic to their wives on the phone ('don't worry, it's just one drink'), they'd laugh about it behind their backs and pretend they'd missed the train home etc.

I would also be livid if a boyfriend, however insecure, said I wasn't allowed out for a drink in case I cheated. That's classic controlling behaviour and I don't see why it should be treated differently just because the insecure person is a woman.

He works with them all day anyway. If he was going to cheat on you with one of them, stopping him from going drinking with them won't make the slightest bit of difference.

That's horrible to hear that these men were like this. Part of me worries about being mugged off but just got to trust.

I'd never stop him from going out ever my insecurities shouldn't impact on him having a life outside of me.

You're completely right hence why I feel so silly getting worked up over it.

I had been back at work but had to give it up completely as DH career change meant childcare costs were more than I was earning a month so it wasn't worth it.

Don't wanna go off on a tangent, but this is one of my bete noirs on these forums. That calculation gets trotted out so often and it's one thing if the woman 100% wants to stay home, but as you're finding out, there are costs to not working way beyond the finances. Your self esteem is taking the hit, along with your career/job prospects, and now you're filling your head with these unhelpful worries when you could be doing more productive things that would make you feel more positive and confident - with colleagues of your own. And that's without even getting into the madness of the maths, as there's no good reason to equate the woman's pay packet with the cost of childcare anyway, grrr. Anyway, just consider what the best set-up is for your MH going forward and do go back to work in some form with zero guilt if you feel it would help you stop feeling this way.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

You posts/thread is fine, cocomelon321, I understand the rationale completely and I can hear the anxiety in your words.

You know your husband and you trust him. In your situation I would voice my fears to him and let him reassure you. I'd do it only once though, more than that would indicate that I didn't trust him after all.

I hope the counselling works for you

Thank you. Maybe it is best to hear it from him so I can settle myself once and for all.

I can completely empathise with your feelings. I was exactly the same as you when I became a SAHM. It's not a great feeling, you some how feel that the job you are now doing is somewhat less than. And others who are working in an office for example are legitimately working.
Your feelings are compounded with your family histories and that wonderful thing (not) called social media, which thankfully I didn't have to deal with back in the day.

I had a massive jealous streak at the same time and do think that it is linked.
I quite literally would drive myself crazy, imagining all kinds of scenarios where my other half cheated, my heart rate would be through the roof as I panicked about what my OH was up to. The reality was that nothing at all untoward was going on, only in my head. And of course, I knew it was irrational and really didn't want to feel that way.

It was as if I'd reached my limit of crazy one day when I just had a moment of absolute clarity and I just thought to myself, what can you actually do about it -NOTHING! If he's going to cheat then he will cheat. Until that happens I am destroying myself and could possibly damage our relationship with just my imagination. How crazy am I?

At that moment I made a conscious choice to enjoy my life and relationship and just have faith that what will be will be.
There are many things in life we have no control of and this is one of them.

@thisplaceisweird

OP in the nicest possible way it's hardly a rave or him "getting into the drinking scene". It's a few pints at a pub where they will probably just talk about work.

If you're feeling insecure you need to stop looking his colleagues up on social media and obsessing over them. It's not healthy and it's creepy.

I haven't looked them up, my DH when he got the friends request showed me the lanes of his colleagues both male and female. I haven't become that obsessed that I feel the need to stalk them.

@elizabethdraper

My husband manages a team of all women in their twenties

They are Italian and beautiful

They go out once a month as a team

I don't bat an eyelid

I hope to feel this secure one day!

@Pinkdelight3

I had been back at work but had to give it up completely as DH career change meant childcare costs were more than I was earning a month so it wasn't worth it.

Don't wanna go off on a tangent, but this is one of my bete noirs on these forums. That calculation gets trotted out so often and it's one thing if the woman 100% wants to stay home, but as you're finding out, there are costs to not working way beyond the finances. Your self esteem is taking the hit, along with your career/job prospects, and now you're filling your head with these unhelpful worries when you could be doing more productive things that would make you feel more positive and confident - with colleagues of your own. And that's without even getting into the madness of the maths, as there's no good reason to equate the woman's pay packet with the cost of childcare anyway, grrr. Anyway, just consider what the best set-up is for your MH going forward and do go back to work in some form with zero guilt if you feel it would help you stop feeling this way.

It's not fair at all that women have to make a choice between a career and being financially stable. Maybe one day this won't be an issue for working women.

The way I look at it is if he wants to go off with another women, he's more than welcome to - I don't want him if he's that kind of person.

I trust my husband, so I have no issues with him going out and spending time with colleagues. I have lots of make colleague friends who I spend time with and he has the same level of trust (and importantly, respect) in me. Yes sometimes people prove to be untrust worthy, but you married this man, you really ought to give him the benefit of the doubt to start with!

I'm a female in a male dominated industry and I have to travel a lot with my colleagues. Sometimes I'm away for two weeks staying in a hotel, travelling, eating, socialising with my male colleagues. My DP doesn't give a rats ass, he trusts me. However some of the wives of my colleagues have had concerns. The easiest way to deal with it is to get to know them a bit. I've gone round to their houses for dinner, met the kids, etc etc, shown I'm not the slightest bit interested in husband stealing and that we're just friends/colleagues.

I can resonate with how you feel. My first H cheated on me multiple times, and it was ages before I found out. Ironically, I was never insecure with him, never ever thought he would be the the type. We'd been together since our teens, had worked our way up the career ladder, gorgeous big house, nice cars, lovely children. And then someone told me what had been happening (for years). I was so shocked! I eventually left him, and I am now married to someone else.

My paranoia with my 2nd DH, was at times, off the scale. I hated it when he went out with work. I would check his phone, his social media etc. I remember feeling sick with worry when the Christmas works do, was at a hotel and everyone was staying over. Strictly no partners and lots of attractive people.

I don't feel like this any more though. And I think the "cure" was just time. We've been together for 13 years now, and there's never been a hint of anything inappropriate.

Of course this doesn't help you! But I do remember, when I was feeling insecure, one thing that did help me was thinking "if he cheated, what is the worst thing that will happen?".....the world will still be turning, no-one will be dead, I'll just move on. I think that did help me to get some perspective.

I think you both need to widen your circles and get out of each others' pockets

My OH works with lots of women. He's in comms in health and social care. So I think both the comms and h&s element attract women. He manages a team of all women, his manager is a woman.

Honestly it doesn't bother me. He does zoom drinks and quizzes occasionally. And when times were normal would have drinks with his team and wider work team who are mainly women.

He does so much for me and we're really happy. I don't feel by just being around women he's going to cheat or is having his head turned, iyswim. If he was hoing to do those things and be that type he would regardless of howany women he's around.

Other people won’t find your husband as attractive (physically or personality) as you do. Going out for a work do won’t make them fancy him more than if they were at work. The world is full of woman and they won’t all be after your DH, equally he won’t be after them. Relax. Don’t get worked up about nothing

You sound to be way too dependant on each other, being married doesn't mean being joined at the hip and having a conniption every time the other one goes out. That sounds stifling and unhealthy.
How old are you both that you've never been on a works night out?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, especially in the light of your previous experiences. The fact is life is risky, and you're going to have feelings about that. Some people worry about getting cancer, and of course, many people do get cancer. You're worried about the risk of the person you love falling for someone else, and of course this does happen. Perhaps in counselling you could explore that it's inevitable that you will have these fears, and how to manage them so that they don't dominate your life.

Apologies if I misinterpreted your earlier posts OP. Probably struck a nerve of my own.