Female colleagues

[cocomelon321]

Hi,

First time posting but long time lurker under a previous account.

I know I'm being U but not sure how I can change how I'm feeling.

DH works predominantly with female colleagues mostly his age and younger, apart from maybe 2 or 3 guys which I of course feel insecure about but learning to deal with it as it's his job. However, they are all going out for drinks at the end of the month and I'm struggling to deal with the thought of him being out drinking and bonding with 7/8 beautiful women. It's one thing knowing he's at work most of the week with these ladies never mind spending an evening out drinking with them. I know it's silly to feel this way and I'm most likely BU in my feelings but I'm not sure how to settle these feelings? I have not made my feelings aware to DH as I know this is my issue not his.

Would anyone else feel a bit icky with this situation? Any words of advice as I really don't want to ever tell DH who he can or can't be friends with/what he can or can't do!

Please no flaming as I know it's not healthy to feel this insecure/jealous!

@DavidTheDog

I think you’re doing really well. You have some feelings that are both uncomfortable and unhelpful and you can see this. The solution is to sit with them, accept them. Maybe ask them, “how are you trying to help me?”.

You sound incredibly loving. Support and encourage him to go out in a divider ring that isn’t in his comfort zone.

Thank you.

I really do try and put my feelings aside and ensure DH is happy and living life for him. I want him to have a good social circle and feel at ease with his colleagues hence why I want to help these feelings disappear. I really do want the best for DH no matter what I feel inside.

@Coronawireless

Well considering there is a high rate of marriage break-up in the UK and an even higher rate of affairs, and many many affairs start in the workplace, I just cannot understand why so many posters seem all faux-astonished that you would worry. Of course you’ll worry, just as you’ll worry that your child might be injured or a loved one might fall ill...all those worries in life we all have. Just take sensible precautions - keep communications open between you, try not to let your insecurities ruin your life. All DHs meet women every day. Your DH sounds nice and so do you, so let’s hope things stay that way🙂

The statistics definitely add to my worries but as you say he's a really nice person and a great DH so I jsut need to put confidence in my marriage and us as people that we won't fall into that statistic.

@LindaEllen

I have anxiety so I know how you feel .. but the fact is that if he's going to cheat, he will however much you worry about it .. and if he's loyal, it won't matter how many beautiful girls he's surrounded by or how handsome he is, he won't do anything disloyal to you.

It's not about the situation, but about the trust you have in him. If he's never given you any reason to distrust him, as hard as it is, you have to try and relax.

Thank you. You're completely right and I really hope I can be stronger minded and know my worth.

@LindaEllen

I have anxiety so I know how you feel .. but the fact is that if he's going to cheat, he will however much you worry about it .. and if he's loyal, it won't matter how many beautiful girls he's surrounded by or how handsome he is, he won't do anything disloyal to you.

It's not about the situation, but about the trust you have in him. If he's never given you any reason to distrust him, as hard as it is, you have to try and relax.

Anxiety is a horrible thing isn't it. It's a constant battle in your mind.

@newnortherner111

Regardless of whether they are attractive in most men's eyes, or not, is it really wise for a work group to be doing this? A recipe for Covid spreading and self-isolation.

That could be an argument for him declining or seeking for the event to be postponed.

It's in a social setting so covid regulations will be adhered to but in all honestly in his job role he's probably closer to them and more at risk of covid at work than he would be outside or work.

@Noterook

Pre covid myself and colleagues used to go out for drinks quite regularly, just because some of them were men it doesn't mean the atmosphere was flirty or anything untoward was going on. It sounds like perhaps if you had time to go out with friends and strike more of a balance of being home all the time and being in mum mode might be helpful?

I hope that this is the case and the more I venture outside of the household the more confident I'll feel with DH in a social setting as I really do want him to enjoy his life outside of work. Life is more than just working to pay the bills!

Firstly, you saw pics of these female colleagues on social media. No one puts a photo of themselves looking their ordinary workaday self on sm. one only chooses the most flattering picture, so unless your dh works in a model agency I think you’re overestimating the glamour of these women.

Then, I do think you need to widen your circle (of two). I thoroughly disagree with a pp who says “he needs to get home”. Why? Can someone not go out occasionally? Obviously both spouses should have the same freedom, but barring someone from socialising because you don’t want to/have no one to go with is not decent behaviour.

Do you feel attractive - it's very easy to concentrate on being a good mum rather than a smartly dressed woman - nice hair cut? Facial, exercise class? If you thought you looked good you probably wouldn't care so much. You need a life outside the home too.

It’s roles reversed for us, I work in a male dominated industry which is also quite social. It’s not unusual for me to be the only woman in a group of 20-30 men on a night out. Nothing has ever happened! I’m married, a lot of them are attached and we are just colleagues at the end of the day. Aside from anything else, who wants to be known as ‘X from Y who shagged Dave when we went to the pub’
My husband has never raised an issue with this, he knows these sorts of events come with the territory and I’m not a dick who’s going to cheat on him

@DottyHarmer

Firstly, you saw pics of these female colleagues on social media. No one puts a photo of themselves looking their ordinary workaday self on sm. one only chooses the most flattering picture, so unless your dh works in a model agency I think you’re overestimating the glamour of these women.

Then, I do think you need to widen your circle (of two). I thoroughly disagree with a pp who says “he needs to get home”. Why? Can someone not go out occasionally? Obviously both spouses should have the same freedom, but barring someone from socialising because you don’t want to/have no one to go with is not decent behaviour.

DH has actually said the exact same thing to me before without me bringing it up. He said to me that none of the girls look how they do in pics as his job requires no makeup/hair up sort of thing. He has never spoke negatively of them just that pictures look so different.

I have a few really good friends who I'm close with but should probably make more of an effort to see them outside of the kids.

I would never stop DH having his time out as I can appreciate how hard his job must be. He's actually been out to a friends twice this week when the kids have been in bed and has a hobby he does a couple times a week outside of the family so I am very relaxed in that sense which is why I don't know why I feel the way I do about this night out

Just to add to what's already been said, I used to work in a team with just one man, and although he was a lovely guy, couldn't fault his personality one bit, he was one of the most disorganised, forgetful colleagues I've ever had. I think most of my time spent with him in work was saying "I've finished, I'll do some of this for you" when he was panicking about not finishing to a deadline, or helping him figure out what had went wrong. No way would I have considered a relationship or anything else with him even if I had been single, because I was almost always needing to help him out of a bind at work. You never know, these women, or your husband, could feel the exact same about each other!

@Weebleweeble

Do you feel attractive - it's very easy to concentrate on being a good mum rather than a smartly dressed woman - nice hair cut? Facial, exercise class? If you thought you looked good you probably wouldn't care so much. You need a life outside the home too.

I wouldn't say I feel attractive in the slightest. I make more of an effort now as in I dress nicer, make more of an effort with my hair on the days I have time and on the rare occasion I'll put some mascara on if the kids settle. DH always has preferred natural over makeup (he loves me either way but says he prefers natural beauty) but i still feel as though it's not enough. This is my view not his as he always says I look beautiful every single day. I used to be a right slob at the start of motherhood but over the months I've bought some new clothes and making an effort to try shift some baby pounds! Although I feel as though no matter how hard I try I'll never view myself as being attractive or as good as everyone else

@MiloAndEddie

It’s roles reversed for us, I work in a male dominated industry which is also quite social. It’s not unusual for me to be the only woman in a group of 20-30 men on a night out. Nothing has ever happened! I’m married, a lot of them are attached and we are just colleagues at the end of the day. Aside from anything else, who wants to be known as ‘X from Y who shagged Dave when we went to the pub’ My husband has never raised an issue with this, he knows these sorts of events come with the territory and I’m not a dick who’s going to cheat on him

It's nice to hear about a roles reversal one and seeing how normal it is for both genders and how it just comes part of the course of the job!

@ArnoldJudasRimmer

Just to add to what's already been said, I used to work in a team with just one man, and although he was a lovely guy, couldn't fault his personality one bit, he was one of the most disorganised, forgetful colleagues I've ever had. I think most of my time spent with him in work was saying "I've finished, I'll do some of this for you" when he was panicking about not finishing to a deadline, or helping him figure out what had went wrong. No way would I have considered a relationship or anything else with him even if I had been single, because I was almost always needing to help him out of a bind at work. You never know, these women, or your husband, could feel the exact same about each other!

Thank you for your post. Although my DH is perfect in my eyes I have no idea how he is at work so it could be likely he is a faff and the woman find him irritating lol.

@cocomelon321 I was you for a long time and it's exhausting isn't it? Rather than trying to convince you that your fears aren't valid (because you already know that I think) my advice would be to fill the time that he is out, maybe a call with a friend, so you have less time to worry about what he's doing.

I am way more relaxed than I used to be, but I still have moments and actually I admit those moments to my husband and he is happy to reassure me. Sometimes just hearing the words from him helps.

Thank you everyone for your comments.

Is it possible for the post to now be taken down so I don't keep rereading lol.

@cocomelon321

Thank you everyone for your comments.

Is it possible for the post to now be taken down so I don't keep rereading lol.

You can report the thread and request MNHQ takes it down. Their usual policy is to not delete threads, but there's no harm in asking.

Wouldn't bother me at all.

I can't imagine these 7 or 8 women are the least bit interested in your DH! Not all women are out to steal men.

It's clearly HIM you don't trust. I think (unless there's a very good reason not to trust him) you know you need to work on that before it creates cracks in your relationship. Don't ask him not to go for drinks, if he is trustworthy that wouldn't be fair

You can’t go through life like this.

Across your marriage, both you and your husband will meet, get to know, go out for dinner with, go out for drinks with many, many members of the opposite sex, through work, activities, family gatherings or a host of other settings. Some of those meetings will be with people that either of you are attracted to.

You have to build a marriage on trust. I’m approaching 30 years of marriage. Both of us trust each other. We don’t try and police or micro-manage each other’s work or social arrangements and neither of us have jumped into bed with anyone else.

It's so hard dealing with these anxious thoughts and it sounds like the night out has become a huge thing in your mind. I think it's a good idea to voice some of this to your husband, not in a blaming or panicky way, but just let him know you are feeling really down on yourself at the moment and you'd appreciate some reassurance. You don't have to connect it to the night out if you don't want to, but it does sound like your fears are unfounded in reality, and talking it through with your husband might help to bring you back down to earth.

I also think that restoring your confidence in yourself is the best thing you can work on right now. Confidence comes from an inner sense of competence and worth, not from others' validation, so think about your values and work towards expressing them more fully in your life, maybe through creativity or service of some kind. More sleep (hard with little ones!) will definitely make you feel less anxious, too

These women probably have partners themselves and aren't interested in your DH, especially as he has just had two babies in close succession

I appreciate what your saying but this is what is natural for us and the way we both love. It's not controlling or toxic we are just at our happiest when we are together. DH constantly jokes that he wishes we could win the lotto so we can build our own fortress. We both have plenty of alone time or time out with our family etc without the other but we just prefer being with each other over a large friendship group.

If that were really the case, him going out for drinks wouldn't bother you at all because you know he wouldn't want anyone else but you.

You need to unpick all of this with a counsellor

Hi OP. Please don't beat yourself up about this. You can't help how you feel. Plan something nice for yourself on the evening he goes out so you have something to look forward to. Perhaps a pizza, glass of wine and a film? Or do you have a friend you can invite over for a girly catch up? I have low self esteem too so I know how it feels to have that worry niggling at the back of your mind. Take care of yourself and best of luck.