Female colleagues

[cocomelon321]

Hi,

First time posting but long time lurker under a previous account.

I know I'm being U but not sure how I can change how I'm feeling.

DH works predominantly with female colleagues mostly his age and younger, apart from maybe 2 or 3 guys which I of course feel insecure about but learning to deal with it as it's his job. However, they are all going out for drinks at the end of the month and I'm struggling to deal with the thought of him being out drinking and bonding with 7/8 beautiful women. It's one thing knowing he's at work most of the week with these ladies never mind spending an evening out drinking with them. I know it's silly to feel this way and I'm most likely BU in my feelings but I'm not sure how to settle these feelings? I have not made my feelings aware to DH as I know this is my issue not his.

Would anyone else feel a bit icky with this situation? Any words of advice as I really don't want to ever tell DH who he can or can't be friends with/what he can or can't do!

Please no flaming as I know it's not healthy to feel this insecure/jealous!

@Christmasfairy2020

Wouldn't worry me tbh. My manager is male and the rest of team are female all his age. Wouldn't even cross our minds.

If you are worried have sex with him before he goes but you should trust him

Having sex with him before going out wouldn't even enter my mind as I have no doubts about his faithfulness. I don't think I could lower myself to that.

The thing is you can worry, sure, but what will it do?

It won't achieve anything positive, it may just create an atmosphere of distrust or neediness, neither of which are attractive to a partner. It is these feelings that can create issues over and above possible affair partners out there.

If a partner is going to cheat there is not much you can do about it, that is their lookout, it is on them - there is nothing realistic or sensible you can do to control their situation. It is out of your hands.

If a partner cheats or leaves for someone else then are they really the sort of person you would want to be with anyway? They would likely have problems with honesty and integrity in which case that's not very attractive to be with, or they are immature, another unattractive quality, or there are problems in the relationship already, which make them vulnerable to this sort of scenario.

The latter is the only thing you have anything to do with. If there are things that you think are lacking in your relationship speak up quickly to address them and then you have done all you can.

If after that point something happens with someone else then it is on them, and you either really shouldn't want to be with someone that is capable of treating you in such a manner, or sometimes, heartbreakingly (if they act with integrity) you see there was a better match for your partner and you try to let them go in peace.

If you are worried have sex with him before he goes

I can't believe I'm reading this utter tom-cat possessive bollocks.

@Confusedandshaken

You are making an issue out of something quite normal. In the past I've worked in predominantly male environments so the friends I made through work were mostly men. We would do normal things like lunch or after work drinks. If I hadn't made friends with men I would have been very isolated. One of them I'm still friends with with nearly 40 years later. We meet every couple of years for a meal or a concert and my DH and his wife don't have a problem with it. I have never had a fling or relationship with any male (or female) colleague.

That's nice to hear you guys are still in touch.

It's maybe because I haven't ever been in this sort of environment so can't appreciate how normal it is/how normal it just feel!

Hopefully when I'm back in the workplace and can put myself in those shoes I won't feel as insecure

OP, it doesn't matter who he works with. He should be with you not because he has no one around him or no other options, but because you are the best for him. It is Sahm thing, you need to get out every now and then and look after yourself so you fell better about yourself and more confident

@riotlady

I know your dad and FIL both cheated with people from work but generally married people don’t go out for drinks with a group of colleagues and randomly fall in love with one of them. People drink with the opposite sex all the time without developing feelings. Heck, I’m bisexual and manage to spend lots of time with friends and colleagues of all genders without having an affair!

Thanks for the perspective. It's nice hearing how normal things are instead of only knowing the stories where things evolved!

I think as the only experiences I have of this have ended in disaster that I have a very tainted view.

@suggestionsplease1

The thing is you can worry, sure, but what will it do?

It won't achieve anything positive, it may just create an atmosphere of distrust or neediness, neither of which are attractive to a partner. It is these feelings that can create issues over and above possible affair partners out there.

If a partner is going to cheat there is not much you can do about it, that is their lookout, it is on them - there is nothing realistic or sensible you can do to control their situation. It is out of your hands.

If a partner cheats or leaves for someone else then are they really the sort of person you would want to be with anyway? They would likely have problems with honesty and integrity in which case that's not very attractive to be with, or they are immature, another unattractive quality, or there are problems in the relationship already, which make them vulnerable to this sort of scenario.

The latter is the only thing you have anything to do with. If there are things that you think are lacking in your relationship speak up quickly to address them and then you have done all you can.

If after that point something happens with someone else then it is on them, and you either really shouldn't want to be with someone that is capable of treating you in such a manner, or sometimes, heartbreakingly (if they act with integrity) you see there was a better match for your partner and you try to let them go in peace.

Thank you so much for your post. It's a really good way of putting things into perspective. You made a good point of things not being in my control and I think that's where things are going wrong for me as I'm aware that I have no control over getting hurt and it being a possibility even if just a slight possibility is driving me insane.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

If you are worried have sex with him before he goes

I can't believe I'm reading this utter tom-cat possessive bollocks.

This is not something I would ever think of doing, not unless DH was making a move!

@Iwonder08

OP, it doesn't matter who he works with. He should be with you not because he has no one around him or no other options, but because you are the best for him. It is Sahm thing, you need to get out every now and then and look after yourself so you fell better about yourself and more confident

Thank you. It's crazy how being a SAHM can completely knock your confidence and can sometimes make you extremely insecure when you used to be such a confident person.

They will have things in common and bond on a level that goes beyond colleagues.

There's no reason for you to think this. People are thrust together as colleagues at work - that doesn't mean they have other things in common. Often, work is the only thing you have in common with colleagues and social events turn into moaning-about-work sessions.

Nothing you have said about your husband suggests he is likely to flirt or stray. The women he works with will have their own social lives, possibly their own partners. Your DH is your world at the moment because you're a SAHM for your young DC - but he's only a very small part of his colleagues' world.

@cocomelon321 you aren't being unreasonable in feeling the way you do, especially as you say this is new territory to you.

It is normal to feel the way you do, it's normal for men to socialise in a group even where the gender split is predominantly female. What isn't normal is when this becomes a regular event and you end up being excluded. Not saying this is even relevant to you situation right now, but just be aware that being the only man amongst a company of women can be quite addictive. Not necessarily because the man wants to cheat, but because the man can find himself the centre of attention.

Being a Sahm can play havoc with women's self esteem, It can be extremely lonely and although you are kept busy there is a lot of time to dwell on things.
I know it doesn't always make financial sense for both of you to work ( although things will change when little ones turn 3 and you get some free hours) however it sounds like you need to focus on yourself a little. Could you find a job at night/weekend? Find time for hobbies and friends perhaps.
What did you enjoy before little ones came along?
You sound lovely op and very self aware.

I know, cocomelon321, I saw you'd already commented on that. It's just a vile and possessive way to treat a partner and a clear sign that they're not trusted.

I don't know how this thread is going to reassure you though. It will be a mix of people who work/socialise without incident so won't see the issue - as well as a few (only a few, thank goodness!) who see partners as possessions; they will just fuel your anxiety.

If you trust your husband then let that be your settling point - unless or until he gives you reason otherwise. For now though, focus on making yourself feel better and worth it. Having two such young children is hard on you but you're still a woman as well as a mum and you need your own interests as well.

I think you show a good deal of insight. You know this isn't about your husband's colleagues or about your trust in him. It's your issue, and you're working on it. I agree the counselling is a very good idea.

I would question what it is that's damaged your self-esteem so much since having children. Also, if your sex life is being affected - albeit having young children is a definite contraceptive - I wonder if it's possible you are pushing your DH away on some unconscious level. When sex dwindles it can be a sign something else is amiss in the relationship. Although you haven't told him about your insecurities, it's possible he'll be aware something's wrong. Also, is it likely the issues you outline from your past are a red herring, if you've been confident before and this problem has only really manifested since having children? Those are three key issues I think it's important to address in therapy, as getting to the actual root of what's bothering you can be very beneficial.

If this isn't the way you typically respond to things, and you're aware you have have previously been a confident person, this suggests the problem is fixable. As to how you stop feeling like this, the tough answer is that there is no overnight answer. It won't be easy, but nothing worth having ever is. Keep working on it, and keep attending the counselling. You're doing all the right things

The chances of all 7/8 women being beautiful are pretty slim . Also work social events in my experience tend to be pretty much bitching about clients/managers/people who pretend to be too helpless to use the photocopier but really they think it's beneath them to try, and not a glamorous sex-fest as you seem to imagine - but that's not the point.

I've been a SAHM so I sort of know these feeling, although I think yours are quite extreme. You're right not to talk to him about it because he will see it as you trying to police him rather than discuss your feelings.

Counselling is good and you also need to find something for yourself outside the family. I know this isn't easy but if you can't or don't want to go back to work you absolutely need to be out of the house doing something that doesn't have anything to do with your small children or your husband at least once a week. Otherwise it's very easy for your life to get smaller and smaller and the person who leaves the house takes on a glamour and actually an authority that is both inaccurate (of course) and really unhealthy.

I realised this myself when I tried to make conversation with my H by telling him I had bought a new washing line for the rotary dryer and feeling offended that he wasn't that interested. I mean, who would be?? And why was I? I was a person beyond the small domestic sphere and so are you!

I don't think you need to feel insecure or upset, as it's a bunch of women all together.

Now if he was going out with - or AWAY on a works trip with - one woman only, then YANBU to be worried/anxious/pissed off.

You should only be worried now @cocomelon321 if your husband is someone who hits on women fairly regularly. OR has had a fling before.

My Mother said to me if a man is going to be unfaithful he will and never waste your life worrying about it. Because they are not worth your time. She was of course totally correct.

It’s your self esteem issues coupled with being stuck at home with small dc which is boring for some as much as we love them and probably not feeling at your physical best which is causing you current pain.

Don’t be that woman, OP.

You have explained your position well, and although I don’t share your feelings, I can see some of your reasons for feeling as you do.

You just have to stop with the negative feelings. You can’t make it evidence-based; it’s a leap of faith. Just stop. Otherwise you won’t be able to help acting on those feelings. It will start with attempting to catch your DH out when he tells you about a night out with colleagues, trying to find flaws in the story, and it will escalate.

I’ve seen it happen with friends, and also with male colleagues. One man’s wife actually tailed us (her husband and me, I was giving him a lift from the office) to a client meeting, with her children in the car, to check that we weren’t going to a hotel together. Which came out after he spotted her and called her to ask what she was doing.

Even though childcare costs more than you could earn, I’d still suggest getting back to work ASAP. That has all kinds of benefits, not least pension contributions, and will put you into a mixed environment where you can be reassured that for most people, an affair with married work colleagues is very low down the priority list!

I wouldn’t like this either. DH works with a mixture of men and women although his department is predominantly male. He knows I wouldn’t be comfortable with him going to the pub with lots of women and he wouldn’t be comfortable vice versa. We’re both insecure bastards I guess but it’s just a boundary we have. Drinks with the guys, sure but the women in the office nope. I’m not a ‘cool wife’ type though and think colleagues should just be colleagues and that’s it. I’d never even think to ask men in my department out for drinks even if they’re twice my age!

@TiddyAndFletch

They will have things in common and bond on a level that goes beyond colleagues.

There's no reason for you to think this. People are thrust together as colleagues at work - that doesn't mean they have other things in common. Often, work is the only thing you have in common with colleagues and social events turn into moaning-about-work sessions.

Nothing you have said about your husband suggests he is likely to flirt or stray. The women he works with will have their own social lives, possibly their own partners. Your DH is your world at the moment because you're a SAHM for your young DC - but he's only a very small part of his colleagues' world.

You are so right with your comment about him being my whole world right now and that's probably where it is stemming from the most.

[quote newdaynew]@cocomelon321 you aren't being unreasonable in feeling the way you do, especially as you say this is new territory to you.

It is normal to feel the way you do, it's normal for men to socialise in a group even where the gender split is predominantly female. What isn't normal is when this becomes a regular event and you end up being excluded. Not saying this is even relevant to you situation right now, but just be aware that being the only man amongst a company of women can be quite addictive. Not necessarily because the man wants to cheat, but because the man can find himself the centre of attention.[/quote]
In all the 12 years we have been together we haven't really experienced this on either part.

I hope that it won't become too much of a thing as that isn't his personality but time will tell.

@Holshicup

Being a Sahm can play havoc with women's self esteem, It can be extremely lonely and although you are kept busy there is a lot of time to dwell on things. I know it doesn't always make financial sense for both of you to work ( although things will change when little ones turn 3 and you get some free hours) however it sounds like you need to focus on yourself a little. Could you find a job at night/weekend? Find time for hobbies and friends perhaps. What did you enjoy before little ones came along? You sound lovely op and very self aware.

Thank you for your post.

I keep looking for evenings but with my DH shift pattern it's hard to find something regular for myself as his shifts are hard to work around. I tried doing study from home but found it impossible with 2 under 2 to chase around.

I need to find something out with my kids and DH and hope that it can help with this feeling of neediness.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I know, cocomelon321, I saw you'd already commented on that. It's just a vile and possessive way to treat a partner and a clear sign that they're not trusted.

I don't know how this thread is going to reassure you though. It will be a mix of people who work/socialise without incident so won't see the issue - as well as a few (only a few, thank goodness!) who see partners as possessions; they will just fuel your anxiety.

If you trust your husband then let that be your settling point - unless or until he gives you reason otherwise. For now though, focus on making yourself feel better and worth it. Having two such young children is hard on you but you're still a woman as well as a mum and you need your own interests as well.

I'm sorry if I came across as nasty in my previous post that really want my intention I just wanted to make it clear that I'm not a horrible person .

DH is certainly not my possession and I would hate for him to ever feel that way hence why I haven't said my feelings out loud. For me the post is because keeping my feelings to myself and not having a way to talk about the situation is starting to impact my mood negatively and I in know way want DH to feel as though he has done something wrong. Really it's just a place where I can get everything off my chest.

I really do trust that he won't intentionally hurt me and I guess that's just going to have to be enough for now unless I have any reason to feel otherwise. I think as I don't know who I am outside of being a wife/mother I can't appreciate how normal it is to be social!

I have also been a woman working with married men with insecure wives. I had no interest whatsoever in having a relationship with any of them but while the men used to be understanding/sympathetic to their wives on the phone ('don't worry, it's just one drink'), they'd laugh about it behind their backs and pretend they'd missed the train home etc.

I would also be livid if a boyfriend, however insecure, said I wasn't allowed out for a drink in case I cheated. That's classic controlling behaviour and I don't see why it should be treated differently just because the insecure person is a woman.

He works with them all day anyway. If he was going to cheat on you with one of them, stopping him from going drinking with them won't make the slightest bit of difference.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

I think you show a good deal of insight. You know this isn't about your husband's colleagues or about your trust in him. It's your issue, and you're working on it. I agree the counselling is a very good idea.

I would question what it is that's damaged your self-esteem so much since having children. Also, if your sex life is being affected - albeit having young children is a definite contraceptive - I wonder if it's possible you are pushing your DH away on some unconscious level. When sex dwindles it can be a sign something else is amiss in the relationship. Although you haven't told him about your insecurities, it's possible he'll be aware something's wrong. Also, is it likely the issues you outline from your past are a red herring, if you've been confident before and this problem has only really manifested since having children? Those are three key issues I think it's important to address in therapy, as getting to the actual root of what's bothering you can be very beneficial.

If this isn't the way you typically respond to things, and you're aware you have have previously been a confident person, this suggests the problem is fixable. As to how you stop feeling like this, the tough answer is that there is no overnight answer. It won't be easy, but nothing worth having ever is. Keep working on it, and keep attending the counselling. You're doing all the right things

Thank you. I am glad it's came across in a positive light as I really would hate to ever be seen as horrible. These ladies are most likely lovely people and they have every right to enjoy DH company as friends and DH has every right to have friends regardless of gender hence why I want to shake this feeling.

For me, since having children everything has heightened as I know now that whatever happens doesn't just affect me but also affects them. I am from a broken home with a DF who has no time for me and it breaks my heart to even think of my kids feeling this pain. I also feel less desirable now that I've got kids and that my life has just become boring and mundane. My sexual desire has increased since having kids but unfortunately DH hasn't got as high a sex drive which I know can't be helped. I hadn't thought though that he might feel pushed away without realising I'm doing so, it's definitely something I would like to ask him as I'd hate for him to be feeling down about things I'm not aware of.

I hope the more sessions I have and the more I work on myself these feelings of insecurity will dwindle.