Where are kids supposed to play?

[lazylump72]

Hi
I am having a bit of a barny with my DH and well quite frankly he is trying to be thoughtful of the neighbours etc and he does work 12 he shifts but
whilst I do think he has a point and I might be being a bit unreasonable
I don't know how to approach this so thought I would see from the wise mumsnetters where you stand on this,All suggestions will be helpful!
So it's the start of the school holidays,beautiful weather,garden full of toys and pool out,happy days!This is the first year our DD 9 yes has has friends on our estate and it's wonderful.Thereis a little group of 5 and they get on amazingly and play really well,They have been round our house in the garden playing for a week,They are safe and enclosed and well a bit demanding and noisy.I get this,I do I have to sit and listen to it but they are having such a Fab time safely and under supervision I have no issues except I will try to shut them up when it gets too loud! Now I am the one listening to it all day not DH he is at work but he gets home and the garden is full of kids and he doesn;t want it, I am trying to find a balance here but what do I do? There is nowhere else for the kids to play,I don't want them out on the road it's not safe,I don't mind them here really.Its not ideal for the neighbours either but it's summer,.Am I being the neighbours from hell? Where do your kids and their friends play? Given there ages of 8 and 9 years Ithought I was doing the right thing...am I? Do people expect quiet between 11 and 7 ish? I know it's a pain hearing kids for a lot of people but where do you all stand on this?

having kids over to play isnt being an unpaid childminder. Surely you can send the kids home when you need to

What the fuck. This is literally insane. Your poor neighbours and DH.

Of course all the other parents are happy to palm their kids off on someone who lets them scream in their garden all day and provide them with food and drink. If I lived next door to you I’d have lost my shit ages ago.

The kids are there all day every day and getting lunch and snacks there. That’s childminder territory.

The food thing too ..when Iam doing my daughter lunch if there are kids here I couldn't just give her lunch I would feel mean so as do one lunch I knock up the same for who ever is here, Its not a money issue it's fine to do that I think some kids must end up with 2 lunches but their parents didn't seem to mind,if they did they didn't say anything! I have decided to let them play a few hours and let my daughter go with them to their houses with her new phone \i\ am going to buy today and give her a bit of freedom like they have and get to know the parents better and ask if they would keep an eye on my daughter when she is at their end of the estate and I will do the same when they are up our way, This should give our lovely neighbours some peace and me to be honest and Iwill learn how to give my daughter some freedoms too,She would love to go out with them on the bikes and scooters it's been me that said no and Isee how Ihave been holding her back.It was done with the best intentions though but I will address my issues over the summer with regards to my daughter being allowed a bit more space. And as for the husband..an apology is in order and an extra egg with his chips tonight! He is right I do really see it but I will find it hard to let go a bit but will do my best,,,,its going to be a long summer I think with lessons being learned for both me and my daughter! Thank you all so much for your views I really appreciate it,

Have a curfew? How long are you having for each day?
You are an unpaid childminder….. the others need to take it in turns. Who feeds these kids all day?

I'd probably set some boundaries up like asking for them to go home at lunch time and they can come back after and asking them to at least keep the noise down a bit by asking for now screaming or raised voices. But I don't think I'd be too fussed for the neighbours. My street is full of kids playing in their gardens, I hear screaming and shouting all day long and it's just one of those things. It's the school holidays. Asking kids to be quiet or go elsewhere seems a bit Scroogey. Maybe now and then you can say no and have a family day? DH sounds a bit of a grump, it's 6 weeks, they'll be back at school soon. Let the kids enjoy their holidays.

@lazylump72

Do you have all the parents’ contact numbers in case there was an accident/emergency with one of the children in your garden/pool?

Wow. Your poor neighbours, and your poor husband! Still others have said all the things I want to say about those aspects. I would be distraught at trying to WFH with that amount of noise when it’s this hot and I need my windows open just to manage to stay in my office.

But there are other things to think about.

Are the parents using you as eight-hour childcare so they can go to work? I’d be very suspicious that of the five families, not one parent is polite enough to come and collect their child for dinner earlier than 7.30-8pm, or that none of them need to feed their 8 year old with a younger child before then.

Unless you can be completely confident that at least one of their parents is home all the time that their child is with you, how would you deal with an emergency? Your mum calls to say her car’s broken down and she needs picking up. Heaven forbid, someone needs hospital. What would you do with the children? Try to pack them all in your car and take them with you?

What happens if one of the children has an accident on your play equipment? Are you insured? Do you know all the parents well enough to know they wouldn’t try to sue you for the injury? Can you contact all the parents by phone in an emergency?

If you’re feeding them, do you know all of their allergies? What happens when one of them is allergic to something you feed them?

Unfortunately you have effectively set yourself up as a free childminder by not having better boundaries at the start. Be more considerate of your family and more mindful of your neighbours. I’m surprised nobody’s reported you to the council for running an unregistered childcare facility, to be honest. People would find it hard to believe you were mug enough to do all this for free.

And yes, for goodness sake, after a 12 hour shift, your DH should be able to come home and relax

I think it’s lovely for parents to come home and see their children playing. But they should only stay a max 1 hour when he arrives so that he can then relax in the evening (and so can OP).

I think it’s lovely you have them around and even feed them but you don’t want to be tied down doing this all of the time. So I would have days where they don’t come round and they can only stay a certain amount of time - either let them in later or get into the routine that when it’s lunchtime/dinner time it’s time for them to go. I think a couple of days of them not coming round and your DC going out the front will make it easier to break the habit.
You also don’t want your DC to feel they have to have people in their space all of the time. Sometimes it’s nice to not be around friends.

Never mind just WFH neighbours, what about neighbours just wanting a bit of peace and quiet! It must be like living next to a school yard or day care facility.

Set limits. What are the other parents saying about it?

Please tell me they know where their nine year olds are for extended periods?

I don't think anyone is taking advantage here. I mean this gently but the issue is that you are choosing to contain children who are going 'out to play' as a substitute for allowing your own child freedoms and responsibility.

It's not unreasonable to allow your child to go to the park with their friends all day (checking in during the day) that's all these parents are doing, keeping the kids in her home to be company for her DD instead of letting them enjoy the freedom they have been allowed is on the OP.
One of my friends is reluctant to allow her child freedoms and when we are together it is a struggle and I let her override me and over supervise a bit (even though I find it a bit irritating) because I know she is anxious, but if someone suggested I was dumping childcare at her door I would be pissed off. I want my child to do things for himself or unsupervised in small ways, I tolerate her spoiling that opportunity. That isn't taking her for a mug.

Yes op, you are an unpaid childminder. Particularly the pool is an issue, an accident waiting to happen. With regard to lunches, I would send them home for lunch. Their parents are quite happy to not know whether they have eaten or not.

It is not fair on your neighbours. The holidays have only just started and believe me, they will not put up with six weeks of this. We have a rental property by us and one set of tenants was like this and it got to the stage we were leaving our own home to get away from the screaming, which also included blaring rap music from the garage. One day I snapped, hammered on the door and told them to turn it down Now. It was the local Police Inspector. The owners have been working on it for 9 weeks now - hammering and banging from 6.30 am. Some people are just self and entitled - the parents are and you are for inflicting this daily on your neighbours.

OP, beware listening to Mumsnet too closely on this issue!

Mumsnet is full of some very anti-social people who don't basically don't much like having other people round at all.

Have a look at a thread on having people to stay over. You'll get loads of people saying they hate hosting others, don't feel they should, why can't visiting family stay in a hotel etc etc. I don't know anyone like this in real life, but I suspect the nature of this, an online forum, means you're less likely to get those busy socialising as they're often off out being busy with other people not posting on a forum!

And asking if you're insured?! Give me strength.

Also there's a lot of unconscious sexism, lots of thinking if the poor husband and ignoring the nerds of mothers, we're socialised to out others first and that really comes over IMO.

If it suits you to have the local kids over and you feel it benefits your DC, please don't be put off.

Yes, it's wise not to get into a position where everyone expects it and you feel you can't say no, but if you want to in the daytime,why not, as long as neighbours aren't upset by it. Do you know them well enough to ask?

As for when your DH gets home I think he's being entirely unreasonable if he expects to never see other DC when he gets home. Part of being a parent is dealing with other people's DC, and putting your DC first!

If he wants some peace and quiet and family time that's nice, and I'm sure you can come to a compromise where this is happening on a regular basis, but if what he wants is for you to deal with things related to children and him to be lord of the household where his needs are put above others,he need to get with the times!

If I worked a 12 hour shift I would want to come home to a peaceful house.

Your neighbours will be thrilled they now inadvertently live next door to a childminder.

Whilst all these kids are round at yours, their mothers are sitting in another garden having a lovely time with cocktails.

@lazylump72

Well that's what I hoped but sadly the other parents don;t seem to want this.The other parents all seem happy to let them be here but never have them. It's disappointing and I don;t want a full summer of being childminder and being known as that house on the street either but it's so lovely to have my DD have friends and being happy outside,

Well it looks like you are setting yourself up for a summer of unpaid childminding. Nip it in the bud now. You a being very foolish as next thing you know Mary's mother will text you to say she's just nipping into town for a couple of hours and telling you she'll see Mary later, or Kate's dad will call dropping her off and saying he's just off out to the barber but will be back shortly - he'll be back about 3 hours later. Meanwhile you are left entertaining and feeding these kids. Send your dd round to their houses and tell her they cannot play in your garden all the time. I don't blame your Dh - the last thing I'd want after a days work is to come home to a garden full of other people's kids making noise.

@lazylump72

The food thing too ..when Iam doing my daughter lunch if there are kids here I couldn't just give her lunch I would feel mean so as do one lunch I knock up the same for who ever is here, Its not a money issue it's fine to do that I think some kids must end up with 2 lunches but their parents didn't seem to mind,if they did they didn't say anything! I have decided to let them play a few hours and let my daughter go with them to their houses with her new phone \i\ am going to buy today and give her a bit of freedom like they have and get to know the parents better and ask if they would keep an eye on my daughter when she is at their end of the estate and I will do the same when they are up our way, This should give our lovely neighbours some peace and me to be honest and Iwill learn how to give my daughter some freedoms too,She would love to go out with them on the bikes and scooters it's been me that said no and Isee how Ihave been holding her back.It was done with the best intentions though but I will address my issues over the summer with regards to my daughter being allowed a bit more space. And as for the husband..an apology is in order and an extra egg with his chips tonight! He is right I do really see it but I will find it hard to let go a bit but will do my best,,,,its going to be a long summer I think with lessons being learned for both me and my daughter! Thank you all so much for your views I really appreciate it,

That sounds like a plan. Sorry I crossed posts with you there. My point was mainly to people suggesting the other parents are cheeky, I bet they would be happy to have the kids in too but that is all reliant on your DD turning up at their door.

Apologies OP, I crossed posts.

May I have the extra egg for my face please?

So the other kids in the group go off on scooters and your DD gets kept in?
If you don’t relax she will soon lose her friends as they get independent and your DD is tied to mummy.
The take over the lounge was the 🙄 moment for me, you’re allowing a group of kids to take over your home and garden, no wonder your DH is pissed off.
Let her go out to play, as in out of the garden!!

Also there's a lot of unconscious sexism, lots of thinking if the poor husband

No. There's sympathy for the poor PERSON who has to get up at 4am, do a 12 hour shift, and come home at 7:30pm to a garden full of excitable kids.
It wouldn't matter which sex they were. In fact if this OP was reversed with the mother being the one in that position, she'd get even more sympathy.

@lazylump72 my DS is just turned 10 and has been allowed to go out and about around the house for the last couple of years. This year he got a phone so we now allow him to go a bit further with his friends.

Same as another poster, unless he is coming from or going to a friends house, he must be with a friend at all times. He’s loving his freedom and they all go between all of our houses so not one of us constantly has the noise in our garden.

I do send them home at lunch though, mainly because we are wfh so it’s better to only have to deal with our own kids then but they all just meet back up after it.

We have a tracker app on his phone as well so we can always check where he is. It is difficult to learn to give them their freedom just make sure she knows what to do if a situation were to arise.

I'm with your DH. I certainly wouldn't want to come home from work to a garden full of random neighbourhood children.

You are also allowing yourself to be taken for a mug. Stop feeding them regularly. Send them home when it suits you. Just say something like "DD will be having her lunch now, so time to go home for your own."

In the afternoon suggest that DD will be available from say 2pm and will come along herself to knock for them. Then you will be happy for her to play at theirs, go to the park etc. and you will come and call for her when her dinner is ready later.

I know it is hard, but I sometimes had to do this. My DD2 was rather a soft touch and easily manipulated by the neighbourhood children. Some of them I literally had to turf out of my house as they didn't seem to have to go at any time. One even said she would sit in the kitchen corner and wait while we had our evening meal. I told her that it was time to go home now as she left me no other choice.

I agree with your plan to get to know the other parents better, they aren’t necessarily taking the piss, kids love being at someone else’s house and likely they’ve been saying to parents ‘no it’s fine, x’s Mum doesn’t mind and she’s got the pool out and everything’ when they say ‘are you sure x’s mum is ok to have you again?’. They might be nice and you could find some new friends too - not impossible that you can figure out a sharing plan and one have kids while another hosts a coffee break - might be good! Don’t assume the worst just yet. I’d be suggesting a WhatsApp group and take it from there.

Plus, on the neighbour issue, I was so grateful to have considerate neighbours who took their bbq friends indoors before 11:30 last night, I’ve had a tough week with a very unwell parent and couldn’t face a sleepless night - so just a reminder that close neighbours could be going through stuff, you just don’t know so a bit of consideration goes a long way.

Good luck!

To those posters declaring how wonderful it is to be the house the kids flock to and are provided with a free holiday club ... a huge difference this summer and for those in the foreseeable future, there are likely to be many neighbours WFH.

Do they not deserve any consideration?

We're on an estate and the kids from about 6 upwards all play out. Sometimes they'll spend some time in one of the gardens but normally they're all at the wee park with their footballs/bikes/scooters. It's evolved to the point where there's now a "kids" group chat that the mums are all on so we can say "x y and z are in my garden, give me a shout if you need them sent home", "b is at his gran's today and I'm on nightshift so can you tell the kids not to come knocking on him today" or whatever.

Other than the group chat element of it, it feels very 90s. The kids are just "out" and they know that the mums can contact each other so that generally prevents any issues with fall outs/taking the mick with their behaviour.