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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Where are kids supposed to play?

338 replies

lazylump72 · 18/07/2021 08:05

Hi
I am having a bit of a barny with my DH and well quite frankly he is trying to be thoughtful of the neighbours etc and he does work 12 he shifts but
whilst I do think he has a point and I might be being a bit unreasonable
I don't know how to approach this so thought I would see from the wise mumsnetters where you stand on this,All suggestions will be helpful!
So it's the start of the school holidays,beautiful weather,garden full of toys and pool out,happy days!This is the first year our DD 9 yes has has friends on our estate and it's wonderful.Thereis a little group of 5 and they get on amazingly and play really well,They have been round our house in the garden playing for a week,They are safe and enclosed and well a bit demanding and noisy.I get this,I do I have to sit and listen to it but they are having such a Fab time safely and under supervision I have no issues except I will try to shut them up when it gets too loud! Now I am the one listening to it all day not DH he is at work but he gets home and the garden is full of kids and he doesn;t want it, I am trying to find a balance here but what do I do? There is nowhere else for the kids to play,I don't want them out on the road it's not safe,I don't mind them here really.Its not ideal for the neighbours either but it's summer,.Am I being the neighbours from hell? Where do your kids and their friends play? Given there ages of 8 and 9 years Ithought I was doing the right thing...am I? Do people expect quiet between 11 and 7 ish? I know it's a pain hearing kids for a lot of people but where do you all stand on this?

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 18/07/2021 09:28

If they've been playing in your garden all day then surely it's time for them to go home when your husband gets in?

saraclara · 18/07/2021 09:28

OP says the kids are still there and 'thinking of winding down' when her DH arrives home at 7:30. So it's longer than she admits elsewhere.

beigebrownblue · 18/07/2021 09:28

I would get to know the other parents a bit better.

At this age you are taking on safeguarding responsibilities.

I personally think it is a lovely thing you are doing and a big favour to them, but you need to think through what you would do in the event of an accident for example (which happens).

Do you have contact numbers for example? Who would you phone?

Also, the food is concerning.

It might well be that some families have a shortage of food and if you have enough, I would be on the side of sharing it. That is my approach to life, as I've been in a place where we had next to nothing.

However, everyday and there needs to be more of an awareness of how the kids are being looked after when you are not there.

Their parents/carers have parental responsibilty. Do they even know you and your DH?

As for DH. Sounds like things have got out of sync here. You need a break, he needs a break. You need quality time together. Try to redress the balance.

lidoshuffle · 18/07/2021 09:30

The poor next door neighbours...

beigebrownblue · 18/07/2021 09:31

Oh heavens I've just read the word trampoline.

At that point Im' afraid safety concerns really are paramount.

Accidents waiting to happen I'm afraid, there are so many reports of serious accidents. If it happens in a parent's garden, then they deal with it. If it happens in your garden, you deal with it, and the parents, and as far as I know you are liable.

Please don't be naive about this, you could land yourself in a whole load of trouble.

Throwntothewolves · 18/07/2021 09:31

I dont think your DH is being unreasonable to want peace after being at work all day. I think you need to tell the other kids it's time to go once he gets home. The other parents should take their turn too. You may not mind but after weeks of basically childminding for free every day you will grow to resent it. I was that parent as I have just the one child and I wanted him to have fun. I even had some of the parents say to me that they hated having all the kids in their garden and there was no way they'd allow it, not thinking that they were quite happy to expect me to entertain their little darlings. I just dont understand how some parents can have the audacity to allow their kids to play at someone else's house all day and never return the favour. So I started saying no, limiting the numbers, or individually inviting kids over. If the doorbell went I would sometimes turn the kids away.
It's a bit easier now as DS is old enough to play out at the nearby park and call on his friends himself, which sort of forces their parents to accept play in their garden sometimes, but the doorbell still goes several times a day in the hols.
So allow the kids to play together if you want, but respect your DHs wishes. And say no sometimes anyway, you'll be doing yourself, and the kids a favour in the long run.

PurpleFlower1983 · 18/07/2021 09:32

When I was growing up this was my garden, everyone congregated at my parents house. I remember it really fondly but obviously never considered the neighbours! Could they all be sent home at 5 as a compromise to your DH?

Blueskytoday06 · 18/07/2021 09:33

You sound lovely OP.

I use to be that house. Now with my second DC, I let them play out the front or at the little park.

I'm guilty of letting DC go to others houses but definitely not all day every day. I make them play out the front because I don't want to reciprocate. Kids in the house make too much noise & mess.

Abraxan · 18/07/2021 09:33

If op's dh isn't home til 7:30pm and it's when the children are starting to wind down then it's clearly not 7pm at the latest when they go home - must be nearer 8pm, so 9 hours of playing.

That's an awful long time. No wonder the other parents are keeping quiet. It benefits them hugely to have their children supervised, fed and watered for 9 hours for free each day!

Mintyt · 18/07/2021 09:34

I would ask the children to leave a tea time, but I always had a house full and I didn't mind, it's children and there happy and safe because of you, biscuits, crisps and lollies and ice cream were my limit ( except for some).

TheFeistyFeminist · 18/07/2021 09:34

I think you are unfortunately being taken for a mug by other parents, and you might want to address them taking a share of the childcare.

However, I wanted to comment on the noise vs WFH issue. Opposite us is a building with an early years nursery in it. Their only outdoor space is at the front, which I can see, and hear, from the room I work in. It's not purpose built, it's a change of use, and we were never given the opportunity to comment.

The toddlers screech all day long. On a video call the other day my boss actually commented on it, as my headphone mike was picking up the sound. But I don't have a lot of options, do I? So I live and let live.

Original poster
lazylump72 · 18/07/2021 09:34

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

Do the parents know where they are for 8hrs (if its 11-7?)
Sorry if Imislead ..they are here from 11 am ish and are in and out all day roughly til 7pm so they might call for my DD at 11 then play for a while then pop home just to check in with their parents then come back then go again not totally 8 hrs straight as Imight have implied but in and out,The kids go off on bikes and scooters in between but it was my issue on trying not to let my DD go further from home and have the freedoms the other kids seem to have that was a deciding factor in me having them all here in my home., I felt happier having them all where I could see them but I know this is the wrong way to look at it. I need to let her go a bit and I don't want to hold her back. It all centers round me letting go not her ability to come with it. I am going to invest in a phone and let her explore a bit with her friends...have to do it Isee that whether I am ready or not! It's my insecurities at play here, I see that now
OP posts:
Minniem2020 · 18/07/2021 09:37

This would get on my nerves too if it was every day. I once came home from work and there were 11 kids in my garden. All boys playing war games and wrestling in dds trampoline which ended up ruined. That's the day I'd had enough and snapped

Charlize43 · 18/07/2021 09:37

Buy your husband a nice pair of noise cancelling bluetooth headphones.

I love to whip on my bikini and sunbathe in my garden whenever the the weather is great but on one side further down is a family with three kids & a creaky trampoline, and on the other is one of those 'shouty' mothers that feels unable to speak to her small children unless she is yelling at them at the top of her lungs (poor kids) - we all know the type.

Anyway, since I got the headphones, I put on some nice Samba or 50s cocktail music streamed from my phone (my partner can just phone me if she's staying indoors and wants to ask me something), mix up a jug of sangria or juice, pull out my sun lounger and am transported to another place. A perfect solution for a gorgeous day.

Next door's kids could be massacring each other in a torrent of screams but what do I care?! To hell with them!

languagelover96 · 18/07/2021 09:38

This is a idea have a play date at their house instead. Politely point out that the current agreement is not working and offer other options as well.

Greenwateringcan · 18/07/2021 09:40

@Charlize43

Buy your husband a nice pair of noise cancelling bluetooth headphones.

I love to whip on my bikini and sunbathe in my garden whenever the the weather is great but on one side further down is a family with three kids & a creaky trampoline, and on the other is one of those 'shouty' mothers that feels unable to speak to her small children unless she is yelling at them at the top of her lungs (poor kids) - we all know the type.

Anyway, since I got the headphones, I put on some nice Samba or 50s cocktail music streamed from my phone (my partner can just phone me if she's staying indoors and wants to ask me something), mix up a jug of sangria or juice, pull out my sun lounger and am transported to another place. A perfect solution for a gorgeous day.

Next door's kids could be massacring each other in a torrent of screams but what do I care?! To hell with them!

I work all day with noise cancelling headphones in. I want to give my ears a break.
Throwntothewolves · 18/07/2021 09:43

I see someone suggested a phone. My DS has a watch that acts as a phone and a tracker. The tracker is very accurate and the phone functions are set up via the app, so he can't add random numbers as only I can do it. I still operate as if he doesn't have it, so he needs to tell me where he going, who he will be with etc, and he is limited to where is allowed to go, but it gives him the freedom to go out himself, while I have the peace of mind of being able to find or contact him whenever I need to. Lots of the kids he plays with have them, they are far less likely to get lost or broken as a phone might.

converseandjeans · 18/07/2021 09:44

How long has this been going on? I find it strange that you don't really know the parents that well & they're allowing their children at yours for up to 8 hours.

If you're providing lunch it is like a free holiday club.

Until 7pm is definitely too late - maybe get them to go home around 5pm.

You will need to some boundaries otherwise you will have 6 full weeks of this.

Could you arrange to meet up with them elsewhere? So that they can still see each other but it's not on your property? Park, swimming pool?

Also it's not fair the other parents won't reciprocate. The least they could do is send some snacks or sweets?

CheekiBreeki · 18/07/2021 09:45

I wouldn't be bothered about noise of your kids playing during the day over summer holidays, but it would piss me off if it was a big group of them all day every day.

Branleuse · 18/07/2021 09:45

i wouldnt mind this. I think if you have kids, or especially an only child, you need to expect the possibility they will have friends round, and since most of us arent going away this summer either, its just to be expected.

Maybe put a time limit on it though. Send them home at 5 or 6, but if youve got a pool up and loads of toys, I think it sounds brilliant for them

Cassie71 · 18/07/2021 09:45

Where did the children play before they befriended your daughter?

crimsonlake · 18/07/2021 09:46

I can see what your intention was, but unfortunately you have turned yourself in to an unpaid childminder. I am quite horrified tha the other parents allow this tbh. If my child was asking to go to play in someone else's garden all day every day I would soon put a stop to it out of consideration to the other parent, or start reciprocating myself.
As for your neighbour's not complaining, really this does not mean they are happy with the situation. I would be the neighbour who would be really annoyed and frustrated, but too nice to complain.
During the holidays, I tended to do one day at home and one day out exploring, it does not have to be expensive. It sounds as if your DD and yourself would benefit from this.

Marmite27 · 18/07/2021 09:49

Where I live now, where I grew up, where DH grew up and where parents / parents in law grew up (various counties and countries) if you were there at mealtimes you got fed.

Our house was always the house kids congregated at. Everyone got fed. There was however a bit of community to it. A) would turn up with a multi pack of crisps, B) a pack of freeze at home ice pops, c) a packet of biscuits etc. One of the other mums was desperate for us to hang out there used to try and tempt us with bacon sandwiches so we’d go over eat, then back to mine.

The neighbours never complained. All we ever heard was ‘it’s nice to hear kids playing.

My dad had a manual job, he’s come home, get changed and come and play football/ french cricket / rounders etc. None of this ‘begone children for I need to relax’.

I think this is the difference between a middle class and working class upbringing, and I don’t think the middle class version is better.

Branleuse · 18/07/2021 09:50

I grew up on estate and one of the best things, was that there were always other kids to play with. It was a brilliant free range childhood. Its not the childrens fault that people expect them to stay in gardens now, but theyd probably moan if they were playing out and roaming too.
Noone should be expecting quiet from childrens noise in the summer holidays really, especially if they live on an estate with families

Greenwateringcan · 18/07/2021 09:51

I’m not expecting quiet but I don’t think it’s fair that they’re in one garden all day every day.

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