My 15 year old daughter was really horrible to me today and my dh backs her up.

[Bryonyshcmyony]

She had a sports thing today. She's been training for months (horse riding). I've also been really concentrating on it because I've had to put the team together. Anyway, she did OK but not brilliantly. The team did OK. We had a team chat this afternoon and I was explaining and talking to another girl about what went wrong for her. Dd kept shouting over me and saying she knew what had gone wrong. It was really inappropriate and a bit embarrassing so I said dd please be quiet. She called me an idiot (in front of everyone). Then later when I tried to talk quietly to her about it she said everyone thought I was weird.

Dh said nothing. Dd2 was sweet and backed me up.

I've got home and dh has just said I was mean and criticised dd - I absolutely didn't and never had. He is being really horrible.

I 100% know that dd was out of order here. Its extremely unlike her it must be said. I am so upset with dd and dh and don't know what to do.

I can't sell the horses before anyone says I should, I love them and I ride them.

Selling the horses would be an insane overreaction! She's a teenage girl, they're rude sometimes. She was probably feeling shit that they didn't do well and didn't want to have sit there and be told how badly she did and why, and so lashed out. She probably just wanted a hug and for her mum to tell her she did well

It's plain she loves tbe horses - given that she has to fund them and tend to them summer and winter no matter how bad the weather. She has explained that if she didnt have competition horses she would have a different type of horse. The daughter is getting an easy time of it. I know teenagers who have a part-time job to support their horses or who work Saturday and Sunday in stables in return for their horse's keep and a lesson a week. They would kill for this kind of set up.

@Ratalie

I can't understand why people who know absolutely nothing about horses are so keen to criticise and try to find inconsistencies. Oh come on, "I ride and love the horses and would never sell them" is pretty wildly inconsistent with "they're a big sacrifice I make for DD and would sell them in a heartbeat".

Which I pushed because I've known pushy parents who try to live vicariously through their kids but bang on about it being a massive sacrifice they made. It's basically a trope.

You’ve posted the same thing repeatedly throughout this thread. It’s been explained and others noted they understood exactly what she meant even without explanation. Can we move on? If not, what do you need?

It was DD's competition. The day was about her,

No, it wasn't. It was a team competition. The day was about the team. The op wasn't there as a parent, but as the organiser of the event. As such, she had a duty to every member of the team, not just her dd.

Why is you DH not behind you organising the team? You've said he's been less than supportive since you organised the team- is it a time thing? He didn't like how much time it took up? I would be speaking to her tomorrow- the conversation was not about her performance, but one of the others. Upset/ disappointed or whatever, she had no place speaking to you like that, in that environment

Thank you so much to all the posters who have been so kind. I did expect a few nasty posts as this is in AIBU!

I've hardly slept tbh and I think today is going to be pretty miserable. Dh will be sulking re my outburst and dd will no doubt be doubling down, so it's pointless talking to her about anything for a few days.

Dh resented me doing this from the start, he said noone cared, noone took it seriously etc. Was never interested if I talked to him about it. So I guess he'll feel he's proved right and me doing this has fucked everything up for some reason.

One of the mums bought me a box of chocolates so I'm off to do the horses with a strong coffee and the chocolates.

Can you stop being a part of sporting events or refuse to have DD on the team

You dh’s behaviour was terrible

@Saltyslug

Can you stop being a part of sporting events or refuse to have DD on the team

I doubt I'll do any more organising. My main job is finished now anyway. I did have plans to do it next year but I've decided not to.

Dd has another competition (one she begged and begged to do before anyone says maybe she doesn't like competing) at the end of the month and I think perhaps I'll leave her and dh to it.

* She was probably feeling shit that they didn't do well and didn't want to have sit there and be told how badly she did and why, and so lashed out. She probably just wanted a hug and for her mum to tell her she did well*

^I agree. I don’t think you handled the situation well

I'm sure the other parents really appreciate what you do op. If it's something you enjoy too then please don't give it up on the basis of your ds's one-off outburst. But I would, in your shoes, be having a conversation about why she behaved the way she did, and telling her you won't carry on if she ever does it again.

@drpet49

* She was probably feeling shit that they didn't do well and didn't want to have sit there and be told how badly she did and why, and so lashed out. She probably just wanted a hug and for her mum to tell her she did well*

^I agree. I don’t think you handled the situation well

Well yes that would have been mean. But that's not what happened. I was talking to another girl and her mum trying to get to the bottom of what went wrong with her before I went to speak to the organisers.

I'm glad someone appreciated you. Enjoy your chocolates! X x

@AbandonedCharacter

I'm glad someone appreciated you. Enjoy your chocolates! X x

Thanks. Another mum sent me a really lovely text as well so that does make me feel bitter sweet about the whole thing.

I think both your DD and DH have behaved badly, but don’t throw in something you enjoy over one row. Address it with your DD - and tell your DH to sod off. I was horse-mad growing up, and had showjumping competitions most weekend. My mum sacrificed a huge amount of time and money - at the yard with me at 6am to sort the horses before school, again after school; whole weekends given up for shows - and I was and am so grateful. I think it’s hard for non-horsey people to appreciate the extent to which you have to be involved, and the amount of effort it requires. You sound lovely, and I know how hard you will have worked on this, so I’m very sorry your DD hasn’t appreciated it. (And that your DH is being a dick.)

I feel a bit like you're over-reacting. Why does it have to ruin today as well? Time to move on from this. Presumably this sport is meant to fun on some level, and not everyone can win. Managing disappointment can be difficult for 15 year-olds.

@Rangoon

I can't understand why people who know absolutely nothing about horses are so keen to criticise and try to find inconsistencies. You don't sound like a pushy parent. Your daughter was responsible for the other girl being eliminated and didn't want it coming out. I hope at least your DD apologised to her. You could have had no idea when doing your job and asking the other girl what had happened that it was anything that your DD was ìnvolved in.

Yes. But AIBU is often about giving OPs a good kicking and lack of knowledge doesn't stop people intent on having a go!

OP I hope you have a better day.

And have a nice day today OP. I agree that your DB situation sounds very stressful. Maybe it's time to detach from it/ him a bit?

@Charley50

I feel a bit like you're over-reacting. Why does it have to ruin today as well? Time to move on from this. Presumably this sport is meant to fun on some level, and not everyone can win. Managing disappointment can be difficult for 15 year-olds.

Of course it doesn't have to ruin today. I have other teens who are perfectly happy and I'm sure the day will be fine. I know that dh and dd will be sulking all day though!

Your daughter was rude, there’s no denying that. But I honestly think you need to keep it in perspective, as someone already said teenagers are dicks.

I’m wondering if part of her outburst came from the fact that she needed you as parent, and felt like you were ignoring her needs for others? (This isn’t true obviously, you were the organiser. None of it was possible without you. She was only to be there because of what you’d done. But teenagers do tend to be irrational at times). I noticed you said that she shouted at you were while you were helping another rider and her parent work our why she’d been eliminated, and that she shouted at you i front of other parents. Were those other parents there as just support for their kids? Perhaps she resented that they had individual support, while she had to ‘share’ you? I used to take part in an activity, and I remember crying in the toilets at a similar age. I’d not done as well as I knew I could, but my mam (who was a wonderful support and did a lot to help support the activity) was trying to speak to a judge about a girl who’d been underscored. As an adult I know why (her role meant she was the only one who could speak to the judges) But at the time I was so upset, all I wanted was MY mam. I know you say you thought your daughter could handle it, but even at 15, it can be hard.

Don’t get me wrong, she was rude and needs to apologise. But I know from experience that as grateful as I was to my mam for literally making a lot of what i was doing possible, it was sometimes very hard no to just have her as ‘my mam’.

It sounds like you are pretty dramatic "I'll never help again" type martyrism. So maybe your daughter is like this too? Be the adult, leave some time and then talk to her about it. Your husband obviously has a different idea about what happened so maybe talk to him rationally too, name calling really won't help!

Are posters WILFULLY misunderstanding the OP, or just thick?!

She didn’t criticise her daughter!
She didn’t criticise anyone!
GAH!

OP - I really, really feel for you. And I definitely think the main issue is that your husband is a dickhead.

Your daughter was unquestionably rude and ungrateful, but she gets a bit of leeway because she’s 15. When I competed in eventing as a teenager I was profoundly ungrateful to my lovely mum for the enormous sacrifices she made, and I struggled to accept that she ever knew best about anything. Typical teenage bratiness. I did grow out of it from about 16 and started showing her the gratitude and respect she deserved for the financial and personal sacrifices she made for me.

But your husband has no excuse. Even if he disagreed with your approach (which would be mad, but it sounds like he doesn’t know what’s going on) he went about it entirely wrong. He sounds petulant and sulky, and like he’s punishing you for having an interest that doesn’t prioritise him. I would really try and hash this out with him to see where he’s coming from - if he’s usually a decent bloke, he can hopefully be made to see sense.

for you because you deserve a bit of appreciation!

Your dh sounds like a knob
Does he always sulk like this?

Op honestly run away for a week. Book an air bnb and just fuck off and leave them all to it.

Everyone in this scenario is massively taking you for granted. Your dd was stressed and trying to cover her own arse and your Dh is using this as grist to his existing mill. He can get fucked. You don’t need to bend over backwards to either of them.

Do NOT apologise to either of them, you’ve done nothing wrong just debrief calmly with dd.

Also @TheAussieProject this;

Anyone starting a thread in AIBU knows they will be told they are right in 50% of posts that they are wrong in 50%.

Do they??? The tone of your posts is so patronising and not accurately based on what the op is saying? Could you just read it do you think, rather than posting ‘how sad’ posts multiple times.

@Cloudninenine

Are posters WILFULLY misunderstanding the OP, or just thick?!

She didn’t criticise her daughter!
She didn’t criticise anyone!
GAH!

OP - I really, really feel for you. And I definitely think the main issue is that your husband is a dickhead.

Your daughter was unquestionably rude and ungrateful, but she gets a bit of leeway because she’s 15. When I competed in eventing as a teenager I was profoundly ungrateful to my lovely mum for the enormous sacrifices she made, and I struggled to accept that she ever knew best about anything. Typical teenage bratiness. I did grow out of it from about 16 and started showing her the gratitude and respect she deserved for the financial and personal sacrifices she made for me.

But your husband has no excuse. Even if he disagreed with your approach (which would be mad, but it sounds like he doesn’t know what’s going on) he went about it entirely wrong. He sounds petulant and sulky, and like he’s punishing you for having an interest that doesn’t prioritise him. I would really try and hash this out with him to see where he’s coming from - if he’s usually a decent bloke, he can hopefully be made to see sense.

for you because you deserve a bit of appreciation!

Thank you!

Yes I agree 15 is a difficult age and she was probably gutted that she didn't do as well as she wanted. She was really nervous which was a surprise to her and me and I guess because I was busy making sure everyone knew what they were doing and where they were going (including dd although as she had dh there I thought she'd be fine) that I didn't give her as much support as she needed. Although she's 15, so nothing I say is right anyway ("me: well done!" her: "oh god don't say well done like that" etc etc).

Dh is most definitely sulking. He runs his own business and I think he thinks any of my excess energy should be spent helping him with it even though this is my hobby and I don't get resentful about all the time he spends at the gym!