My 15 year old daughter was really horrible to me today and my dh backs her up.

[Bryonyshcmyony]

She had a sports thing today. She's been training for months (horse riding). I've also been really concentrating on it because I've had to put the team together. Anyway, she did OK but not brilliantly. The team did OK. We had a team chat this afternoon and I was explaining and talking to another girl about what went wrong for her. Dd kept shouting over me and saying she knew what had gone wrong. It was really inappropriate and a bit embarrassing so I said dd please be quiet. She called me an idiot (in front of everyone). Then later when I tried to talk quietly to her about it she said everyone thought I was weird.

Dh said nothing. Dd2 was sweet and backed me up.

I've got home and dh has just said I was mean and criticised dd - I absolutely didn't and never had. He is being really horrible.

I 100% know that dd was out of order here. Its extremely unlike her it must be said. I am so upset with dd and dh and don't know what to do.

I can't sell the horses before anyone says I should, I love them and I ride them.

@AndeanMountainCat

Teenagers are dickheads, it’s their job!

Why are you giving up after one bad day and a bit of a ding dong with your daughter?

I think your nerves are ragged and it’s possible you’re overreacting slightly.

Your alcoholic brother is the elephant in the room here.

Possibly

But horses are a 24/7 job. They are extremely expensive, ours are kept in a paddock owned by a lovely older lady who I need to pay and make sure she's absolutely fine with them being there, they need mucking out feeding exercising every day, entering competitions is expensive, one of them had been poorly which cost me 2000.
I get up at 6am every day rain or shine to feed them and check they are OK. Dd talks to me a the time about what competitons she wants to do and what training she should do

All that and then a grumpy teen calls you a wierd idiot in front of all th other parents and your dh decides it's your fault an doesn't speak to you for hours then says you've criticised your dd

Sleep on it Op and then speak to her & your DH calmly tomorrow - find out if they had any kind of reason for behaving as they did but in all honesty, I'd read them the riot act!

[OP]Dd kept shouting over me and saying she knew what had gone wrong. It was really inappropriate and a bit embarrassing so I said dd please be quiet

[other poster]You should have listened to what your dd was saying! She DID know!
It could be that.

@Ratalie

[OP]Dd kept shouting over me and saying she knew what had gone wrong. It was really inappropriate and a bit embarrassing so I said dd please be quiet

[other poster]You should have listened to what your dd was saying! She DID know!
It could be that.

So it’s appropriate for a child to be yelling while an organizer is gathering info from another child? We as adults should listen to others yelling over one-on-one conversations?

Seems more likely that DD didn’t want the other girl to say “I followed DD’s incorrect instructions.”

It’s not a big deal that DD gave poor instructions, it happens. But no child, daughter of organizer or not, should be rewarded for behavior that is uncomfortable and disrespectful toward the decorum of the team.

Sharper than a serpent's tooth, OP. You're having King Lear moment. DD was embarrassed, disappointed, jealous, appalled, ashamed and afraid of being found out all at the same time and it obviously burned out her emotional circuits.

She's 15, it happens, but she needs to apologise and be helped to grow up through it.

I don't know what to say about the DH, though, that is most unpleasant. Some men people can't bear their partner to be engaged and absorbed with anything that doesn't centre them. I don't think it's likely he will be doing any more growing up. much needed though it might be.

The thing is, they say they want more of your time and attention, but you can hang around the house a whole weekend waiting for them to do the something they they resented not being able to do while you were so busy and still nothing happens.

Enjoy your wine, and don't forget to drink a big glass of water before going to bed!

Did you always want horses as a child?

You need to unpack this rather than just think about how hurt you are (not saying you shouldn’t be hurt, of course)
Sounds like she may have been disappointed and then felt embarrassed when you talked about it so lashed out. She’s 15 and at that age so much is still to be learned about how to react, empathy, gratitude, holding your tongue, peaceful non provoking discussion, apology and taking responsibility.
Have an honest talk tomorrow without out anger or judgement, keeping emotional display to a minimum. She hurt you but I’ll bet you also hurt her and that’s why she said what she did.

It’s funny because I had a friend who had a horse at that age. And it was all about the parent

Some people are just desperate to find fault with the op here.

@Bryonyshcmyony

The back story is that my brother is an alcoholic and has been calling me every day for a month. I've been really stressed over it and trying to help him and this horse thing has been an outlet for me. I think that makes it a hundred times worse that dh has been so randomly horrible.

Fair enough. Still doesnt excuse her behavior.

Do I get it right? Your DH's crime was not wanting to be involved in "your argument" but when pressed, he acted as a father and took DD's side, while you had acted as the organiser and missed the opportunity to be a mother when your DD needed one?

My DC compete one at a state, the other at national level in two different sports, and I see a lot of mothers like you, sorry. Super involved, really thriving in the attention and gratitude of other parents, loving they are being told their job is so important and how nothing could happen without them, and so on, but then during the competition they are so critical of their child, their poor attitude, sportsmanship, when they don't realise they have inflated the whole process.

Your immense work ended up benefiting another girl but not your daughter and I think deep down you are hurt by this and resentful of your daughter even if you are not aware of it, and this is why you were short fused with her.

And your DD was right to cut you short, because she did know what went wrong and that it was her fault, so interrupting you in your wrong interpretation was the right thing to do. Calling you an idiot was wrong from her, but she was trying to tell you something and you didn't listen and told her to be quiet.

It was a bad day for everyone and you dragged your DH in the mud when he wanted to stay out of it.

Your involvement is this competition was greater than the competition itself. It fulfilled a sense of purpose, gave you joy, and was an escape from your brother's issues. The pressure on your DD was probably sky high, because she wasn't only competing as herself but as the organiser's daughter as well.
I actually feel sorry for her. It was her day not yours.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day and that you can move on.

Would you have said "Be quiet" to any other 15 year old who was trying to interrupt?
They may have been rude but I suspect you wouldn't have said that.
Perhaps your treatment of DD as daughter, rather than member of the team, has been aggravating her for some time.

I think you probably all need a few deep breaths, nobody was acting their best and it was a stressful situation. A long day out competing with horses is utterly exhausting, and hugely frustrating when it goes wrong.

It sounds to me like your daughter may actually have known why the other girl was eliminated, or at least thought she knew and wanted to say. In which case she was rude to interrupt but was actually trying to be helpful, in the awful way 15 year old do!!

I think part of the issue with communication here is that you’re talking to the team as chef d’équipe but she hears you as mother, so you’re doing your duties and she’s annoyed she’s not getting your attention and you’re not prioritising her. I think the disagreement is very understandable and something you need to talk through—like basically if I’m to do the organisation then when we are competing you have to treat my orders and questions as if they are coming from the chef d’équipe and not your mother.

Horses are the most incredible but also frustrating thing. I really would just say to cut everyone a lot of slack—and YOU most of all. You sound bloody exhausted from life at the moment. Because of that, it’s also likely you’re not coming across as warm and friendly as you normally do, getting your DH’s back up too. He needs to cut you a hell of a lot more slack with your brother issues, but honestly—the quicker you accept that people who don’t like horses will grump their way around them, the better.

Yes there will always be three of you in the marriage, and the hubby will know where he is on the pecking order

So it’s appropriate for a child to be yelling while an organizer is gathering info from another child?

Perhaps she wasn't actually shouting?
People often perceive someone else as 'shouting' when actually they are just speaking clearly but the first person doesn't want to hear them.

he's almost certainly annoyed about the time but I've been thinking about it and he did the same thing a few years ago which I never gave a thought to

@Bryonyshcmyony
You need to sit down and tell him to talk to you about his problem.

Don't let him use You statements.
'You...'. 'You always...' or 'You never...' etc.
Make him use sentences that begin with the word I
'I feel..'
'I think...'
'I believe...'

Also, if your brother is an alcoholic and is leaning on you in any way, you may need to do AlAnon for families of alcoholics. Alcoholics will suck you dry if you let them.

Some people are just desperate to find fault with the op here.

I totally agree! Back the fuck off. Posters thinking they "know" the DD also that op is too involved. Op no wonder you want to quit!

I dunno. It seems a bit much to want to quit and have all this upset over a 15 year old being rude. It’s not ok and of course she should be spoken to about it but…it’s just what they do, isn’t it?

You sound pretty intense to be honest. This is one of those threads where I would really like to hear the other side of the story.

@Bryonyshcmyony

I think I can understand dds behaviour but not dhs

He's getting a hard time on here. Isn't it possible that worried you've been pushing your DD too hard, he's tried to communicate that to you and failed, and now he's told you straight? And then you swore at him.

The situation sounds overwrought. I agree with the fry up suggestion above

Sorry @CampAshpit It is not for you to tell anyone to back off. This is AIBU. If OP didn't want to be judged she should have posted somewhere else, such as the tack room, extra curricular activities, .....

Anyone starting a thread in AIBU knows they will be told they are right in 50% of posts that they are wrong in 50%.

The OP sees all the faults in her DD and her DH. Some of us, have tried to show a different angle to the situation.
Everyone in the household is miserable . It is very sad.

Do I get it right? Your DH's crime was not wanting to be involved in "your argument" but when pressed, he acted as a father and took DD's side, while you had acted as the organiser and missed the opportunity to be a mother when your DD needed one?

Either you have great difficulty with comprehension (but I wouldn't be embarrassed about this - loads of people on this site do too) or you have a very very strange idea of how a Mother and a Father should act. Taking your children's "side" every time is not "Acting as a father/mother" It is being a lazy parent.

OP, I have no clue about horses but it is clear to me reading this that your dd behaved badly - she is 15 that happens. Your dh was unreasonable - ask him to explain how he feels (not how he acted) because I suspect your brother's calls are making him feel something and you too and it is leeching over into your regular life - including this event.

I can't understand why people who know absolutely nothing about horses are so keen to criticise and try to find inconsistencies. You don't sound like a pushy parent. Your daughter was responsible for the other girl being eliminated and didn't want it coming out. I hope at least your DD apologised to her. You could have had no idea when doing your job and asking the other girl what had happened that it was anything that your DD was ìnvolved in.

The point is it was the DD's day, a crazy important competition that she failed, not qualifying for the next level despite months of preparation and training. The OP didn't once in all her posts talk about how she supported her DD in this situation (mother) but she went at length (organiser) dissecting the course of events of the several races of the different girls. She was "critical" . DD had a horrible day, but the OP didn't acknowledge it once in this discussion, just focusing on herself, how she was embarrassed by her DD interrupting her (and she was right to do so as the OP was giving a wrong explanation, and got frustrated for being ignored, rightly so) .

Everyone was in the wrong. The OP for not listening and the DD for calling her mother an idiot. But what made her say so? What were her reasons?

It was DD's competition. The day was about her, and the DH stood by her side on this because in the big scheme of things, the day was not about saying a bad word to her mother but about missing our on something she worked hard for.

I can't understand why people who know absolutely nothing about horses are so keen to criticise and try to find inconsistencies.
Oh come on, "I ride and love the horses and would never sell them" is pretty wildly inconsistent with "they're a big sacrifice I make for DD and would sell them in a heartbeat".

Which I pushed because I've known pushy parents who try to live vicariously through their kids but bang on about it being a massive sacrifice they made. It's basically a trope.

God there are some unkind posters on here.
@Bryonyshcmyony I get it, I've done similar for horses and a different hobby of both DD and DS. If we hadn't stepped up, they wouldn't have been able to continue.

I've also had horses, and been in both DD and your situation.
Your "D" H is an arse, and your DD was very very rude and I'd be putting her on poo picking duty indefinitely, and I'd withdraw my services totally and let your "D" H do it all.

Also, did your position as organiser go to your DD's head a bit, hence telling the other child the wrong info? A bit of "my mum is in charge, so listen to me"

Give those duties to another parent. Surely there is another parent who can do it.
Attend your DDs events as a mum.

Get your own horse and compete if you want to.