If your DH is now WFH, does he expect you to now make him lunch every day?

[mintginger]

Just wondering what people do really (particularly if you are SAH yourself).

YABU - yes, you should make him lunch.
YANBU - no, leave him to it and go out and about on your business.

Thanks!

It might not sound like much in the scheme of life, but it’s another thing to think about, especially if I’m planning to be out in the day. This is why I ask.

I totally understand what you mean. I have this problem with my teens who think I should make whatever but I hate the mental load and would rather get lunch bits that they like and think can make whatever.

The veggie patch sounds nice in theory but there's a mental load of deciding which dressings, which veggies, what proportions, how often etc that I'd be resentful of. Plus as you say, you might not be in and need lunch

Different as ivv bc work but we sort ourselves out since we are adults with a full hour to sort out lunch. The best DH gets, if he asks really nicely, is that I’ll mix up his tuna Mayo for him as he thinks mine tastes better than his.

Absolutely not. If he emerges from his home office while I'm making lunch I will offer him something but other than that no. He is a grown man. He can make his own lunch.

Both wfh , me PT so make lunch for us both when not working, he makes lunch for both of us when I'm working, it's worked really well.
Your post made me remember this article so looked it up...
www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2012/06/20/health-professional-mad-men-more-sexist-workplace_n_1612153.html

the think that's interesting about the research that related to your post was this - “Men in traditional marriages come to the workplace thinking women are meant to be second-in-line and occupy facilitative roles such as secretarial ....” which might explain the him giving you a list of tasks to do!

@Ifitquacks

But if your not working, how much effort is it to put something between slices of bread?

Except that’s not what he’s asking for. He’s asking for her to pick his salad from the garden and make elaborate flatbreads etc.

But he didn't ask for elaborate, he asked for salad with flatbread, not an elaborate flatbread. Sure she has time to pick salad whilst the cleaner is in doing the job that sahm would normally do

How old are the children?

Sometimes he will give me lists of tasks and, on these occasions, I do feel like a PA because if the way he communicates. But he just thinks, “this is to be done, take this on board, prioritise this and thanks very much.”

He really does assume he is your boss, doesn't he? And you don't challenge that? No wonder you're afraid to go out for lunch. He might decide you weren't meeting performance targets and sack you.

No, mine doesn’t. We often do our own thing, or offer to make each other’s, but I certainly don’t just make his!!

But he didn't ask for elaborate, he asked for salad with flatbread, not an elaborate flatbread. Sure she has time to pick salad whilst the cleaner is in doing the job that sahm would normally do

You’ve got no idea what she does with her time, or why she doesn’t have time to pick salad and make flatbreads 🤷🏻‍♀️

[quote SleepingStandingUp]@HalzTangz so what happens if you're ahm to facilitate his irregular hours ,/ shifts / lung coming etx
F you wanted to print that you could have said[/quote]
You prep a plate of food, stick it in the fridge, then flounce off out all day spending his wages, which let's face it, is what the OP is doing

Ah, so he's a sexist workaholic who has confused you with his PA.

What would he do if he was single? He would have to sort himself out and presumably need to sort his own housework, plus childcare for 50% of the time. What does he actually add to your life OP? Because it sounds like he thinks he has a Big Important Job which excuses him from doing literally anything else.

For what it's worth, he can do what I do - I make 3 salads in one go and put them in individual containers in the fridge to have while I'm working at home. Far more efficient to make several in one go than make a salad every day.

I would do it, actually.
A) because it doesn't sound like it would be particularly onerous. Bag of prepared salad leaves, grill a batch of chicken or fish a couple of times a week, or get some from the supermarket. Or do eggs. Some form of carbs, if he wants them - bread, or make extra at dinner so there's leftover pasta, potatoes etc. Buy dressing. He can plate it up, or you can if you can be bothered. If he wants anything more complicated, bollocks to it.
B) If he's working & you therefore don't have to (if this is correct?) I would do it. Obviously, some partners wouldn't & that's fine also, but I would. But only an easy option. You're his wife not his maid.

I wouldn't prepare him something if you're going out though.

It's really rubbish if you're suffering from long covid. I have a suspicion I might be, too. Either that or some kind of vitamin deficiency. I've been exhausted for months, falling asleep practically every time I sit down. I never even had any symptoms of the virus though, so I'm not sure.

He needs to deal with his salad garden. Not on to leave you to deal with that. Gardening is exhausting. He can do it as part of his exercise regime.

You know? Just knock something up, leave it in the fridge and go about your day. My OH is working from home. He just comes into the kitchen at lunch time, grabs his lunch and goes about his day. I’m usually out with friends having lunch anyway. Seems to work for us 🤷‍♀️

You prep a plate of food, stick it in the fridge, then flounce off out all day spending his wages, which let's face it, is what the OP is doing

Again, you have no idea what she’s doing with her time or what money she’s spending .

OP, I also think you should read this profile on "The Demand Man". It's one of the 10 abuser profiles from the book "Why Does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft.

Please read it and think about whether it sounds familiar.

www.muchnessmama.com/abusive-profile-the-demand-man/

I've made lunch for DH maybe 5 times over the past year - they've been days when he's been massively busy with constant meetings and I've offered. I think he's asked me once for the same reason and I was happy to help.

Would I do it ever day? No. Would I make a specific lunch with veg I have to pick from the garden? Fuck no.

@Ifitquacks

You prep a plate of food, stick it in the fridge, then flounce off out all day spending his wages, which let's face it, is what the OP is doing

Again, you have no idea what she’s doing with her time or what money she’s spending .

Except she said exactly that, he earns whilst she stays at him, she's goes out to pret for lunch that he pays for, she asks for things he buys it etc

“He” does not “buy” me anything because that type of thinking is nonsense in a family and he simply doesn’t think like that in any shape or form. We don’t have that type of relationship.

The “Demand Man” thing - well, some of it rings true, possibly. I don’t know, it’s not clear cut.

Except she said exactly that, he earns whilst she stays at him, she's goes out to pret for lunch that he pays for, she asks for things he buys it etc
Well she said if sjes out and about she would grab a Pret, but didn't clarify she was out spending him money. She has 3 kids, a large home she does most of the cleaning etc in, plus whatever tasks he decides she must do. And given her not working enables him to be a workaholic and abdicate much responsibility for his family beyond paying the bills, it isnt HIS money, its family money

"And given her not working enables him to be a workaholic and abdicate much responsibility for his family beyond paying the bills, it isnt HIS money, its family money"

Although this is true, whenever I see this, I think about what would happen if the following unrealistic situation, which removes all emotion occurred - should a SAHM who is probably completely financially dependant on her DH, leave and be no where to be found!, other than the devastation it would cause for everyone, the sole earner could get a FT nanny, and a housekeeper and the DC could continue living in their home, at their schools, keep their friends and lifestyle etc.

If the sole male earner quits his job, leaves and is nowhere to be found, and let's just say there isn't much equity in the house ..., the SAH single mum and the 3 DC would be in a lot of trouble....

I think the whole DH sole earner/ SAHM "team" thing is all very nice in theory but in reality it is a completely unequal relationship with the sole earning DH having all the actual power.....

These threads seem to always have loads of women telling other women that

The man is very busy
He earns the money
The woman at home has nothing much to do
He is providing money
So the woman should make sure he's free from any kind of distractions from work or his well v earned downtime when he's not working

And that's non negotiable. Irrespective of circs. I've seen threads saying they should not help with babies. Irrespective of what's happening. If they want to have a hobby that means they are gone a lot in their free time, that's fine. They have earned it.

In short. He is very important and should be fed watered and free.

I mean if some women like that lifestyle then it's up to them.

The telling other women who find it selfish, who married an equal, who have reasons for not wanting to be like that. Including, because they don't want to be. Is bizarre.

It's live and let live one way. Why not the other? Why the insistence that a woman who does not want a relationship on those terms is wrong?
Especially when it's been agreed that due to kids and jobs he will work and she will SAH! That means she becomes his... Maid? And should be grateful for being paid?

In addition i have met so many men with this set up who would do things to avoid bathtime/ bedtime etc and with covid hide in their home office. Not all obviously. But a larger number than I would have imagined.

What?! 😂😂😂😂

Why would you do that? (I'm presuming here that he has functioning arms and hands).

I worked from home loads even pre-Covid. Why would somebody else need to make my lunch??

If I was at home and making lunch then I would be happy to make lunch for a WFH partner (currently single so not an issue I am having) provided they were happy with whatever I was already making or if they had a specific request then it was no more difficult to make than the existing meal - eg if I said I was making a mushroom omelette, if he requested cheese and ham instead of mushroom then that would be fine, as long as we had cheese and ham available, as would making scrambled egg on toast etc; but if he wanted a home cooked lasagne made from scratch then he'd have to make it himself.

As soon as they started treating my favour as an expectation of personal restaurant service then they would be told to gtfo.

Well, he doesnt expect me to make lunch, but if I don't, he never makes a reasonable lunch for himself. Despite being capable of running a department of 200 people, he apparently isn't capable of making a sandwich. Literally, he has not made a single sandwich since lockdown began, even though I buy all the ingredients to do so and even though if I make him a sandwich when I make mine a sandwich he happily eats it.

On Friday he stopped early for lunch, and provided himself with a nutritious lunch of 2 sausage rolls and 2 packets of crisps.

I do think he has regressed since I became a SAHM, not good is it?!