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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad that my teenaged DD spends every evening at home with us

128 replies

CrowdedMouse · 17/07/2021 08:19

And that would be perfectly fine if that's what she wants but she'd quite like to have some social life!

She's 16 and utterly lovely but didn't find her tribe at high school despite putting the effort in.

Last night was such a gorgeous evening it would have been lovely for her to be out.

Anyone else have older teens who are stuck in when they'd like to be out?

OP posts:
Original poster
CrowdedMouse · 17/07/2021 08:20

Or have positive stories of things getting better at college or uni ...

OP posts:
FreeBritnee · 17/07/2021 08:21

Could you get her involved in a hobby that has a social life attached to it?

SelkieQualia · 17/07/2021 08:22

This was me at 16. Uni was very, very different. Just so many new people.

Original poster
CrowdedMouse · 17/07/2021 08:25

@FreeBritnee

Could you get her involved in a hobby that has a social life attached to it?
For years she played a team sport at County level but was never included in any friendship groups.

Can you suggest something else? Not drama, she wouldn't like that.

OP posts:
LadyEuphemia · 17/07/2021 08:25

Mine is the same, she never really made an firm friends at Secondary or Sixth Form, so she’s home most evenings with us. She has a bunch of international gamer online friends who are lovely and mostly in the same position. It’s sad, she’s very lonely.

She’s taking a gap year so I hope she makes some friends working or when she eventually goes to Uni.

Whyo · 17/07/2021 08:26

She could just be a homebody. She’s got many years ahead of her or meeting people whether at uni work or otherwise.

Winenota · 17/07/2021 08:29

Same here. Son very into computers and won’t arrange to see mates in real life, tho they all play in computer. Just a shame. I see gangs of kids having a laugh in the sun and I feel for him, it just doesn’t look much fun, but he refuses to do anything

CloseYourMouthLynn · 17/07/2021 08:29

I was your daughter op. I never fit in at school and was often alone at home. Then I went to sixth form/uni and let rip! I found all my lifelong friends there. Try not to worry, everyone develops at different rates. Does she have plans to go to sixth form? I would say that going to one separate to the high school she's at now would be better as she'll meet lots of new people.

Hellocatshome · 17/07/2021 08:29

Is she waiting to be invited or is she trying to organise things herself. It took me until I was about 25 to realise I could ask people to come and do stuff with me and sometimes they would say yes.

Original poster
CrowdedMouse · 17/07/2021 08:36

Thanks for replies Smile

It’s sad, she’s very lonely I'm sorry to hear that - it's so painful watching our kids struggle.

She could just be a homebody

Oh she loves being home but she'd love the chance to go out sometimes

OP posts:
Itsamess8456 · 17/07/2021 08:37

Oh bless. She'll be OK. I was quite a shy child and didn't really find my group of friends until uni. I had a great time during my uni with a lovely solid group of friends who I'm still close to now.

Strangely, I'm getting lots of friendship requests recently ie. Work collegues wanting to meet for coffee or walks with children etc.

I'm struggling to find the time to keep up my regular friends - I don't really have time for any more 😞

notanotherguitar · 17/07/2021 08:39

You sound like a lovely mum OP Flowers My sister was always a homebody with very few friends. When she went off to uni that all changed and she really found her tribe. Is your DD off to sixth form in September?

5823MintY · 17/07/2021 08:39

Volunteer or part time job ?

Join a group that runs the Duke of Edinburghs Award ?

Sport or animals ?

DinosaurDiana · 17/07/2021 08:40

Mine is the same. I couldn’t bare to see her sitting round for 12 weeks while she waited to start college, so I got her a part time job. She enjoys the drama there, but I wish she had friends of her own age instead of hanging round me !

Purpl · 17/07/2021 08:40

Yes it’s heartbreaking isn’t it ? DD found friends at different 6 form but mainly through part time retail job & some at uni & through bf. It does get better. I just tried to plan fun shopping trips beach days and got involved with tv series she liked. What else can you do? Big hugs

Purpl · 17/07/2021 08:41

Oh and there is a ncs summer course for 16 plus they still running in covid. Look it up she made friends there abs took out 4 weeks of school holidays

Branleuse · 17/07/2021 08:43

Is she actually pursuing friendships or waiting for them to fall in her lap?

My ds sometimes complains that his friends dont invite him places, but rarely arranges anything. If you want to build friendships you have to organise things and put the work in or things never even get off tge ground

CallMeRisley · 17/07/2021 08:45

I was also going to say NCS

wearencs.com/

MoreAloneTime · 17/07/2021 08:45

I'd just hold out for university. Try to encourage her to only apply for universities where she'd have to move out to somewhere new

Subeccoo · 17/07/2021 08:45

Aww my nearly 16yo is the same. At most he stays over at his friend's house where they game all evening, he's just happy watching TV with us or gaming himself.
I do worry when I see groups of teens out, dreading the summer holidays too be honest, I've tried and tried to get him out but it's really hard.
He does have a part time job so I guess he'll be doing a lot of that over the summer.
I couldn't keep my older two in!! Very different but he does seem genuinely happy Star I assume 6th form will make a difference though, hope so

Original poster
CrowdedMouse · 17/07/2021 08:46

@notanotherguitar

You sound like a lovely mum OP Flowers My sister was always a homebody with very few friends. When she went off to uni that all changed and she really found her tribe. Is your DD off to sixth form in September?
Thank you ♡

She's going to a new Sixth Form college as her high school isn't offering languages at A level. She's feeling a mixture of excitement and trepidation!

OP posts:
Cam2020 · 17/07/2021 08:46

I was your daughter op. I never fit in at school and was often alone at home. Then I went to sixth form/uni and let rip!

I was the opposite! Good school circle but things fell apart at 6th form, but then uni was great and I've made fabulous friends at work over the years. It's far from over at 16. In fact, the more you drill down into your interests, the more like minded people you find.

What's next for DD? I'm sure she has many great things yet to come and interesting people to meet.

happinessischocolate · 17/07/2021 08:47

For my DD it improved once she passed her driving test and got a car. She's now 19 and I probably see her for 15 minutes twice a week. I miss spending time with her and she's off you uni in September so I'll see her even less.

Cam2020 · 17/07/2021 08:48

She's going to a new Sixth Form college as her high school isn't offering languages at A level. She's feeling a mixture of excitement and trepidation!

There you go, plenty of new opportunities there!

Sally872 · 17/07/2021 08:48

I think a hobby is a great idea. If she is sporty then football/netball any other sport with a club with space.