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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad that my teenaged DD spends every evening at home with us

128 replies

CrowdedMouse · 17/07/2021 08:19

And that would be perfectly fine if that's what she wants but she'd quite like to have some social life!

She's 16 and utterly lovely but didn't find her tribe at high school despite putting the effort in.

Last night was such a gorgeous evening it would have been lovely for her to be out.

Anyone else have older teens who are stuck in when they'd like to be out?

OP posts:
hellywelly3 · 17/07/2021 10:10

This was my son until he started college. Never had a best friend even in primary school. Then he started going out all the time with college friends. As parents we were overjoyed. Then the bloody lockdowns but he started going out again once they could. His confidence improved massively. He’s got a job he likes now too so that helps. He tried a couple of jobs that didn’t suit him. He has mild dyspraxia that effects his social skills. He’s off to uni soon and I feel he’s so much better prepared by having nights out with friends.

CeliaJ · 17/07/2021 10:12

Please leave her to do what she feels comfortable with. This is exactly the problem I had when I was a teenager. My parents were very sociable and enjoyed going out to dances etc. They expected me to be the same and were constantly nagging at me because I was a homebod. I much preferred to sit in my bedroom and read a book. Perhaps your daughter is the same. Just accept her as she is and don't try to change her.

Snozzlemaid · 17/07/2021 10:16

This was my dd also. Had friends at school but they weren't really her tribe and didn't often socialise out of school.
She chose to go to a different college than most of her school and thrived there, making lots of great friends.
She's still great friends with a group of them now.

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 17/07/2021 10:17

This was me.

Wait until uni, you'll miss her.

Savour these last few years, you'll never have them back. Not 'finding a tribe' at high school is more common than it used to be. Hopefully she'll find more like minded people in college.

Over such a beautiful weekend could the two of you go to a pub in the sunshine, a nice couple of lemonades in the heat would be lovely? Does she have cousins etc or do you have a friend that has kids her age? I remember my mum taking me out for tea with her work friend and her work friend's daughter at about 15. I was dreading it.

That girl ended up being one of my best friends. Friends creep in and out of life when you least expect them to, she'll find her way don't worry.

Sewaccidentprone · 17/07/2021 10:18

Sounds like ds2 who’s now at Uni.

He’s going back next week when his new house tenancy begins. He’s much more confident and outgoing now (though he still has his moments).

Think teenage years can be tough.

dottiedodah · 17/07/2021 10:20

Could she join the Brownies /Guides as a helper maybe? That would get her out and meet some new people .Often we are told by the media that Teenage years are the "best years of our lives!" Maybe for some but not everyone is a party animal! Some girls are naturally a bit shy ,maybe she will have a better time at 6th form .Often they mature and this is a good bridge between School and Uni .I suspect you may be envied a little by those with hectic teenagers who never give their mums a break!

unim · 17/07/2021 10:20

I made some of my best friends between 16 and 20!

I haven't actually stayed in touch with the rather lacklustre friendship group I was part of before - I always felt on the periphery and as if I didn't have real friendships.

I moved school (actually country too) at 16 and made wonderful lasting friendships during my A levels and at university afterwards.

Your daughter will be fine!

Lotsalotsagiggles · 17/07/2021 10:22

Part time eve job waitressing May help?

littlepieces · 17/07/2021 10:44

It's really nice that you're concerned about this. didn't have many friends and didn't go out much as a teenager because my parents didn't want me to, because they thought I'd get into trouble, and made me work all weekend, every weekend, from the age of 13 to show me the 'value of money.' I think it stunted my ability to socialise.

However, uni I got involved with every hobby/club/sport I'd always wanted to do and missed out on. Subsequently made tons of friends and had the time of my life. There are so many people at uni, all so different and too. School is a bubble! I think going to another sixth form will be fantastic for her, best of luck!

littlepieces · 17/07/2021 10:47

Just to note that actually having jobs that meant I interacted with lots of people was probably the only thing that kept my social skills working.

Perhaps she could get a job or a volunteering role? Both will be important for uni applications, especially if what she wants to do is competitive.

BellaVita · 17/07/2021 10:48

This was my DS1. Never ever went out despite friends actually calling for him. He preferred to be gaming in his room.

He then went to Uni. Best thing ever!

He sees his Uni friends often despite all living in different cities (he is 24 now).

Hang in there.

marthasmum · 17/07/2021 10:57

OP I really feel for you, this sounds very similar to my daughter at 16. Throughout school she found it hard socially and tended to have one or two friends (in secondary, often toxic or challenging). Aged 17 she is doing so much better, has picked up a friendship with an old primary school friend, has a girlfriend and some lovely online friends. I don’t know really what’s made the change other than growing into herself a little and having more confidence in what and who she likes and doesn’t like. I am really proud of her for that. I tried encouraging groups etc and that may work for some - you know your child best - but for my DD that put pressure on. Even if you and she would like her to be out, at least she has your support which I know was a big thing for my DD. All the best for you and her, it really is tough.

lljkk · 17/07/2021 11:12

DS is 13 & lacks friendship group. yet he did alright in primary school for friends. He's lovely, kind, helpful, thoughtful, conscientious, hard-working, amenable, enthusiastic. So far my easiest teenager ever.

covid-restrictions on social contact sure haven't helped. My older DC were all much more socially happy in high school than primary so kind of a shock. They say that DS comes across as a know-it-all or show-off & is too quick to get angry rather than know how to banter. I've asked them to make DS into a little social-skills improvement project.

malificent7 · 17/07/2021 11:13

Why dont you go out and leave her at home? Confused.

malificent7 · 17/07/2021 11:15

Sorry..i musinterpreted the thread...i thought you meant you'd like to have a social life. Yanbu...it is hard for her...i never fitted in but i had a few geeky mates.

Ssmiler · 17/07/2021 11:16

Like others this was the same as my DD all through school. She wasn’t happy and was often upset about it, so it was a constant worry. Her friendship group was very small and one girl within it was the leader and prone to acts of exclusion, so DD often found herself isolated

But the change since going to uni has been incredible! Lots of good, simple, uncomplicated friendships and she has totally blossomed. My friend who had an older DS in similar situation always told me it would improve and it did. So very best wishes to your DD for a better college experience

Zilla1 · 17/07/2021 11:19

College and university are game changers, OP.

If she likes music then when lockdown allows, gigs or even performing (unless her aversion to drama is performance-based).

What's her personality? If sports then perhaps a different, team or sociable sport - tennis in Summer, football...

If outdoorsy then guides or scouts?

Good luck.

ElephantOfRisk · 17/07/2021 11:20

Been there and stil partly there with 21 year old DS.

He's in uni but didn't want to live away, made no connections there and with a few exceptions, hasn't been out anywhere socially unless with us.

In the first break from lock down a couple of old school friends contacted him and he met up with them twice (this is after not seeing them for 2 years) then lock down again, but he's seen them twice in th elast couple of months and another old friend contacted him and he's going for a pint with him today.

It's really tough and we've had the conversation about it being okay not to be a social butterfly but if he's unhappy with his level of socialisation we are perfectly happy to get him some counselling for his anxiety about it but he's refused and at 21 I can't exactly force him. However, these little baby steps are all good progress.

I hope your DD manages to find even one person to socialise with but yes, it may all change completely at college/uni but she needs to want it to change and put in the effort I guess. DS hasn't felt able to do that.

ScrollingLeaves · 17/07/2021 11:36

A choir? Orchestra? Look in the local library for any groups. If you go to church ever there might be something through that. Local volunteering?

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 17/07/2021 11:40

This was me. Uni was worse, didn’t really speak to anyone. Not one night out at university, just home every night. I got very depressed and have been on and off ever since. 45 now…

Daphnesmate07 · 17/07/2021 11:46

Dc attends a school where friends are scattered so they don't live within walking distance. Lovely group of friends at school but Dc lacks organisation to arrange stuff in spite of me saying I'm happy to drop them anywhere and now I've stopped applying any kind of pressure or solving the issue.

Dc is planning to do some voluntary work following on from recent work experience over the hols which is positive and I'm hoping this is going to break up the week a bit.

It's really tricky, I understand your thinking on this.

Zara020 · 17/07/2021 11:46

@Whyo

She could just be a homebody. She’s got many years ahead of her or meeting people whether at uni work or otherwise.
I was like this , definitely a homebody growing up. My brother and sister still have the same friends they had at school, the ones they spent evening and weekends with! I sat at home with my mum and dad. I had friends, but not good ones.

Adult life is different in that where I still don't have really close friends and I am not as lonely as I once was and I am happy with the balance of being a homebody and occasional socialising! Your DD will find her balance too

Wavingwillowtree · 17/07/2021 11:55

Part time job??

Subbaxeo · 17/07/2021 11:55

My daughter wasn’t like that but my son was-I used to get quite upset he wanted to be in all the time. When he went to university, he met a load of people he clicked with and joined the societies he was interested in. He told me that was the secret to uni life-joining societies and meeting people from different backgrounds. He said it was totally different from school and the people there. My daughter flitted around at high school and didn’t have a ‘best’ friend-but at sixth form she fell into a lovely group who still socialise now at 22. I think 16 is the age where we do worry and you are a lovely mother who is thinking of the happiness of her daughter. And she is very fortunate in having a family home where she is happy to relax instead of being desperate to escape it.

NeverForgetYourDreams · 17/07/2021 11:55

My DS15 is always in. On his computer. Is a home boy. That will change once starts college I expect

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