To feel sad that my teenaged DD spends every evening at home with us

[CrowdedMouse]

And that would be perfectly fine if that's what she wants but she'd quite like to have some social life!

She's 16 and utterly lovely but didn't find her tribe at high school despite putting the effort in.

Last night was such a gorgeous evening it would have been lovely for her to be out.

Anyone else have older teens who are stuck in when they'd like to be out?

We have 2 of our young adults (we have 4 between us in total) and they rarely go out, in fact they are quite happy to go out with us. Not all youngsters are party goers

I was similar at 16, I had a group of friends at school but there were always dramas and they could be quite bitchy, and I just distanced myself from it at that age, I did feel very lonely but knew I’d rather be at home than put with people who were like that. I met my lifelong friends at uni too.

my daughter was in a similar situation at school, except she was excluded from her friend group between about 14 and 17. It's utterly gutting at the time but on reflection she got way better exam results because she wasn't included in the drinking and going out. We reflect now that her social media is way less embarrassing as a result. It all worked out in the end- she definitely met her tribe at uni and has flourished.

I will always remember dd's primary teacher (had her for 3 years and was wonderful!) saying that there were NO other children at the school like dd, but that would change when she went to secondary. It did a little, and a little more at college, then much ore at Uni - but of course that has been horridly interrupted, though she keeps up with them via zoom etc. She also made so many other friends through SM, many of whom she's never met in rl, but who have become just as good and close friends as her rl friends.

She did have some extra-curricular interests too. For instance, singing in a choir - this is not competitive like so many sports, and fosters a much more "one for all, all for one", cooperative feeling. Art can be a gentle, non combative way of meeting people too. Is she interested in that sort of thing? She doesn't necessarily have to be good!

@SelkieQualia

This was me at 16. Uni was very, very different. Just so many new people.

Same. Evening was time with parents. Same for my extrovert brother.

Occasionally there would be a birthday or something. But going out after dinner only after we were all about 18 and would drive up and meet up for coffee/tea in a fashionable cafe

Martial arts gyms are great for meeting new people. Even if she doesn't make friends she sees outside of the gym, if she goes to classes where people work in 2s it can be really social which might fill a gap until she gets to college.

My son is similar - he was more social when he was younger, but as his childhood friends all went their separate ways as teens, he seems to be in the nice enough when at school or when volunteering or at art groups that he loves, but little develops from them socially. He's halfway through doing NCS this summer, though his plan for today is mostly Star Trek online... at least he's gotten out a bit more.

I'm crossing my fingers that a fresh start at college this autumn will help him find his space and people. I do get concerned for him even as enjoying the time with him.

Thank you for telling me about your lovely DC. And your own experiences. And for your good wishes towards my DD. I'm so glad I started this thread

Will reply more fully later. I'm supposed to be at work but keep sneaking on my phone to read your posts

I didn’t really have great friends at secondary, not even at 6th form college. Not sure when exactly it turned around but it did and whilst I don’t have millions of friends I have a few small groups of firm friends

I was your daughter op. I never fit in at school and was often alone at home. Then I went to sixth form/uni and let rip!

I was the same, and so was DH. Neither of us clicked with the people in our senior schools, and both of us found great groups of friends once we went to sixth form (and a new group of friends at uni, plus also we met each other). I think it’s very common.

Would she try explorer scouts?

She sounds like me at her age. I didn't really flourish in the socializing department until I was 18.

I did a lot with my mum but I remember feeling bored at school holidays etc sometimes it really got me down.
I would say maybe a part time job? That's how I made friends.

Wonder which languages she is studying?

French and Spanish. Her new Sixth Form college has a fantastic language dept so hopefully she'll meet like minded pals who want to go and watch unsubtitled foreign films with her

She has a part time job waitressing in a restaurant (loves it) but the owner won't let under 17s do Saturday nights.

When I was a teen, I was out all the time and still feel I didn’t have any friends! Just mooching around aimlessly with people because it was the thing to do

you've made me realise I was the same! Out a lot with people I didn't particularly like but there wasn't much on the telly in the early 80s - at least DD has Netflix!

I agree with the poster who said let her do what she wants. She may want to stay at home and need some alone time. Not every teenager wants to be out all the time. Sounds like she is doing great with the job. We are all different and have different needs when it comes to socialising and mixing with others

@CrowdedMouse I could have written this. My DD is 17 and the pandemic has just exacerbated it all. She is perfectly at ease with adults but just also seems to be excluded, since she started secondary school. At primary she was always in the thick of things.
Keep a very close eye on her. My dd is now depressed and has been seeing the community mental health team because she feels so desperate and alone. To be fair, I think it got so bad because of the lockdowns and repeated self isolations from school. But her confidence has been battered and she feels worthless. It’s heartbreaking.
I really hope things work out for your DD. I think a college is a brilliant idea. We cocked up massively because we sent our DD to another sixth form and guess what? It happened again because they were already in their friendship groups. If we’d done college, they would have been from multiple schools and not the same cliques. I think college will sort things out for your DD.
I feel for you op. So many parents just don’t understand this and they are so lucky!!

I agree with the poster who said let her do what she wants. She may want to stay at home and need some alone time

She does like being at home, she also loves spending time alone but she would like more of a social life. She likes people.

I had very little friends at school. I didn't fit in there. I made my first lot of real friends in college.

@Lupinhere37 - I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter's struggles. Heartbreaking for you both. Has she just done Yr12? Could she repeat it at a college?

I was similar at her age, I was fortunate to have friends at school but we weren't really into the same sort of things, so wouldn't always do much together. When I went to college though I became the one people wanted to get to know and spend time with which was weird! And then at university I met more people I really clicked with. Sixth for college sounds like an exciting new start, and I found meeting people at that age was better than meeting them at school when 11, as you know more of what sort of stuff you enjoy doing etc.

I teach in a sixth form college and teach subjects that attract quirky students who have often been seen as oddballs or losers at school. By the end of the first year they’re so happy about college and how the vibe is different to school, they can sit in lessons and talk about the weird films and games they like and nobody takes the piss, they wear what they like, people have diverse and happy friendship groups. It’s not for everyone but I really like to see how they find their feet and their little gangs over the two years.

My DS didn't go out at that age much. Hasn't made many friends at university he's just quiet. Has a lovely girlfriend and sees friends from primary school when he's home

@CrowdedMouse my DD has done yr12. She is currently deciding whether to stay on or repeat elsewhere. I am leaving the decision entirely up to her but personally feel she should start afresh.
It’s such a mess and everyday I ask myself what went wrong after primary school.
I’ve come to the conclusion that school just doesn’t suit her and life will improve when she leaves!