To feel sad that my teenaged DD spends every evening at home with us

[CrowdedMouse]

And that would be perfectly fine if that's what she wants but she'd quite like to have some social life!

She's 16 and utterly lovely but didn't find her tribe at high school despite putting the effort in.

Last night was such a gorgeous evening it would have been lovely for her to be out.

Anyone else have older teens who are stuck in when they'd like to be out?

Does she find it hard to make friendships?

When I was a teen, I was out all the time and still feel I didn’t have any friends! Just mooching around aimlessly with people because it was the thing to do, didn’t find ‘friends’ until later in life really!

At least she isn’t mixing with the wrong crowds and doing things she could regret ( no constellation right now I know, but I did ) and her friends may come at a different stage ☺️

Is she actually pursuing friendships or waiting for them to fall in her lap?

Pursuing but dispirited by lack of reciprocation.

And I'm glad to hear that things improved for many of you at college or uni.

My teen absolutely found her tribe at 6th form college- the transformation was beautiful to see. She has had a 'gap' year this year and got involved in some volunteer groups which have kept her very busy.

This was and to some degree still is my daughter.

Primary and secondary were a constant heartbreak. She was never included in any real social group. Seeing her at break time alone. Off on school trips, she was always the one on the coach sat beside the teacher. She tried but she was just different. Bookish, introverted and not a girly girl.

We would always say it'll be different at secondary, it'll be different at sixth form. Sixth form was a little better but she was still a lonely girl.

She finally "found her tribe" at university. Her course meant there were more like her. She's still not in a girl group but she does have some good guy friends who she talks to a lot.. long conversations about their shared interest.

She's about to start her first job, in her subject, and I've no doubt she'll be fine.

We still worry but the really painful bit is thankfully behind us.

Has she just finished school and going to 6th form college in September? I remember my summer after GCSEs was filled with family holiday, working in a local bar and doing my hobby (sport). I didn’t go to the school beach parties that happened that summer (I was young for my year and just not interested in that kind of mass socialising).
But all changed in the September when I went to 6th form and made a great group of friends - same at university a few years later. Suddenly my weekends were filled with parties and big gatherings.
Your DD probably just needs a change of setting.

My daughter 15 is the same. We are not in the UK and she has been on school holidays for 7 weeks already and has seen friends a handful of times. I think she is at an in between stage of her emotional maturity where some friends have boyfriends, some are going a bit crazy starting drinking etc and she’s not comfortable with any of this so she withdraws. She tries the odd time to arrange trips to the cinema or the shopping centre with certain friends but she is not very confident.

I’ve decided to just gently suggest sometimes to message a friend to do something but if she doesn’t want to, let it go. School has been weird this past 2 years, they have missed so much of the normal socialisation I think it’s not surprising if some of our teens are a little behind in what’s ‘normal’ with respect to friends, going out etc

This was 100% me OP. I had no friends really. I used to spend all my evenings in (despite my parents ‘helpful’ suggestions to ‘get out like a normal teenager’)

The key to my success was I think getting to uni and immediately getting involved in extra curricular stuff (in my case student theatre). I suddenly had a lovely gang and never looked back from there.

It was just a completely different universe from school where I was lonely and bullied.

Big fingers crossed for your lovely daughter OP. If I could advise her it would be - use school to just get head down and get grades and the next step will hopefully bring her tribe.

Wonder which languages she is studying? Don't forget to get her passport organised or show her how to do it.

This time between school and sixth form is a strange time isn't it?
I've got a DD at that stage.

A part of me thinks that G.C.S.E year was so structured and disciplined that it is good for them to have unstructured time just to hang out and just 'be'.

Mine has a couple of good friends, not many. At school I think she had suffered from 'people overload' she describes it as, so she also enjoys things like sewing and craft activities. I bought her a sewing machine.

It is a funny time and I think we parents could do with support in the transition as well as many of us do worry.

My oldest was like this at 16, he went to a new 6th form and a year later we hardly every see him except when he needs a lift. He took a while to grow into himself.

On the other hand, my 15 year old is very social and we hardly ever see him except to shout "Drink sensibly! Call us if you get into real trouble. If I get an inkling that you are smoking or doing drugs you will be grounded all summer with no xbox!" He causes me great worry.

Hand on heart, the late bloomers have some advantages. By the time my oldest son was really socialising he was mature enough to know himself and not be swayed by peer pressure.

I am sure a middle ground would be best for all. I am sure your DD will find her place - teenage years can be lonely.

[quote CallMeRisley]I was also going to say NCS

wearencs.com/[/quote]
My son was absolutely gutted he couldn't do the NCS last summer. It sounded fab, especially living away for a week in University Halls!

OP if nothing else, at least this thread might make you feel slightly better. My 17 year old is at home more than I though he would be after a year at 6th Form but that's this year for you unfortunately. He does go out (gym addict!) and walks with friends, KFC, etc. but not the parties I'd expected.

My younger son (15) is at home a lot and although he seems happy, I'd love him to be hanging in the park every night. Hey ho, he'll find himself at College/Uni I hope.

Mine too. Trying to decide whether she'd be better off staying in 6th form with the few friends she has (even if she doesn't like them much) or heading off into the unknown for a fresh start at 6th form college. It's so hard.

Its not her, this generation just don't go out much, don't reciprocate much, or communicate more only. Its been slow going for my two as well.

Hopefully sixth form will open up her social life a bit. Until then I'd encourage her to get a summer job...maybe join a temp agency or do some waitressing.

Could she get a job in the evening? Hospitality in most areas are crying out for people. DS(16) is out 4 evenings a week at his job, with a group of similar aged youth

My dd did the new sixth form - its great, has made friends and broadened horizons but not been out more than a couple of times, mainly initiated by her. However she has kept up with old school friends so still has some parties with them.

@Mrstreehouse

Does she find it hard to make friendships?

Hmm ... I would say she's liked but not enough to be included. And her invites will be accepted but she's never invited if you see what I mean.

My niece was the same. In the Summer after her GCSEs she went out on lots of days out with me or her mom and then when she went to college in the September, it all changed. She found her people and now my sister hardly ever sees her!

Yes ds struggles, less so in Year 12 & 13 when he found himself a bit more and became more socially confident - but he still feels a bit pigeon -holed into the old him and he spent so little time at school due to Covid it was hard to build new relationships.
He is looking forward to a fresh start at Uni.

@IsobelEd

Mine too. Trying to decide whether she'd be better off staying in 6th form with the few friends she has (even if she doesn't like them much) or heading off into the unknown for a fresh start at 6th form college. It's so hard.

I was SO glad of the move to a large 6th form college, with so many different students. It had an almost university feel. So many different types of people and a much larger number of clubs - hard not to find a tribe. If I’d stayed at my small school with the same small group of friends my life would have been very different for those couple of years. My friend who stayed at her school 6th form ended up tagging along with us to parties etc, but never really felt totally part of the group - she wishes she had gone to the 6th form college. Obviously it depends on the school and 6th form in question (our 6th form college is a particularly good one), but I’d always urge parents to consider the 6th form college.

Yes birthdays were such a heartbreak.

My daughter had one successful one on her 18th and I literally cried.

OP my best advice is don't push it. I did all the encouraging her to make arrangements. It just put more pressure on her and made her feel even worse.

She did so some volunteering which helped her get some kind of outlet, and she did drama and while again she was never in the friendship group, again at least it got her out of the house.

And just wait for college or uni.

I was like this in secondary school, very little social life. My parents would sometimes make comments to try to encourage me to get out more so I am aware they were worried. I however was happy, I enjoyed reading and TV etc and was only upset about it when I got these “encouraging” comments from my parents.

When I went to uni at 17, I had a very active social life and a group of friends who I went out with several times a week. I went to every party and event and had a great time. Same when I started working in London with a lot of other young people. Social life has slowed down now that I have an infant!

People do things in their own time, if she’s not unhappy then I wouldn’t worry.

Another one echoing the 'wait for university'. I found my tribe there, kept them and also found making friends easy from there on in. It gets better!

She may have to learn to be an organiser...someone who invites others if you see what I mean. She's very young still OP...it can take longer for some people to learn the skills needed to socialise well. Took me a while!

I had ONE friend at secondary school. When we left, I was included in what was really her group of mates...then a year or two later when she moved away, I was high and dry again.

I was and am fine! I did make more friends eventually. By my early 20s my phone rang a lot.

Tell DD to get involved in clubs at college...there's probably a college magazine, sports teams etc. And encourage her to arrange nights out.

Volunteering, or a job. Somewhere like McDonalds of KFC where there will be plenty of kids her age.

Sports teams at 6th form if that’s her cup of tea.

Also, if you’ve got a local troop, maybe Explorers, the oldest group in Scouting.