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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad that my teenaged DD spends every evening at home with us

128 replies

CrowdedMouse · 17/07/2021 08:19

And that would be perfectly fine if that's what she wants but she'd quite like to have some social life!

She's 16 and utterly lovely but didn't find her tribe at high school despite putting the effort in.

Last night was such a gorgeous evening it would have been lovely for her to be out.

Anyone else have older teens who are stuck in when they'd like to be out?

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 17/07/2021 09:17

DD is in a similar situation, although she is a little older. Her friends from school are in very settled relationships and tend to spend 99% of their time with their boyfriends, although they did come over for her birthday.

DD found her tribe at university though, in spite of covid, and has more friends on tap in her university town than at home. They are between house rentals just now and will move back at the beginning of August.

I thought the same as you last night when it was so lovely. DD should have been out with friends instead of watching a film with us, but she doesn't really have anyone regularly available. She hates being in crowded places, and as she didn't really "fit in" with the crowd at school she hates the "school pub", especially after a disastrous night out there last summer.

She is most comfortable with just a small group or one or two close friends.

VienneseWhirligig · 17/07/2021 09:18

DS is a bit like that even now at 21. He has friends but they mostly live out of our city (either went away for uni or moved during last couple of years of school) and none of them have any money. They meet up occasionally to go to the cinema or play football, but spend lots of time connecting through their xboxes playing Fifa. They seem to find it OK to live virtually, which I can't really understand, I was going out from 14, we didn't need much money. He is content to stay home and even go on holiday with me and his grandparents, instead of his friends.

JeansShirtJeansJacket · 17/07/2021 09:19

I didn't really have any proper friends at that age. I had a boyfriend, and I had people I sometimes hung around with, but no close group of friends.

At 18 I went to Uni and suddenly had loads of friends. 20 years later and I'm still close with some of them.

Reddip · 17/07/2021 09:23

I was like that at 16. I never found a proper group and was often on the periphery of other friendship circles but it was very clear I wasn't a core part of them. It got better at college as I got involved in a couple of big events and then again at uni. It felt very sad at the time but I wish I could have told myself to just hang on in there 🙂.

Auntienumber8 · 17/07/2021 09:23

DS did have a friendship group at school but he joined air cadets at almost 15 and at now 20 has remained very good friends with them.

He is going to his friends birthday get together tonight who he met at cadets. He also met his GF there and they bonded while digging fox holes and sleeping overnight in those fox holes, not my idea of fun.

He loves hiking, learnt to fly and various other things. So whilst this may not be your DD idea of enjoyment putting people together that have a common interest is always best.

What does she really like ?

Lovemusic33 · 17/07/2021 09:27

My DD’s are always home (17 and 15), both are on the spectrum, eldest has 2 friends but none of them seem to like going anywhere 😐.

It does make me feel a bit sad as I was never at home at that age.

Hoppinggreen · 17/07/2021 09:27

Mine is similar. She does have a lovely boyfriend who spends time here and she goes to his house too as well as a few friends BUT I know there are loads of things she isn’t invited to.
She seems ok though and is starting college in September where I think she stands a better chance of finding her “tribe”.

babbaloushka · 17/07/2021 09:31

It would be great if she could play her sport at 6th Form, having been on the County team it ought bring her some confidence on the team.

It's heartbreaking to see though, isn't it. I used to feel proper gut-wrenching at the thought of my DD sitting alone at lunch, or reading her book on the bus by herself. She's thriving now though, really thriving, Year 12 and then University brought a big change about her- it's wonderful to see them as happy, independent adults. That is all to come!

I think it's that much worse for them, because they can see all the fun everyone is having (or pretending to have) on Social Media 24/7. At least when I was young, there was a chance you wouldn't know to feel left out.

Nousernameforme · 17/07/2021 09:34

With our Dd our prime objective at high school was to get her out alive. She made one friend there whose mental health suffered as much as dds. On her college course she found a group of 6 other people with similar interests who she still hangs out with 3 years later covid allowing. Now she is on another course pre uni and has met others and has two groups of close friends along with a group of people that she occasionally hangs out with online. Most of the meeting is virtual these days but occasionally I have a garden full of hungry teens, which after all these years is lovely.
So hang in there, she will find her people

Terminallysleepdeprived · 17/07/2021 09:35

My dss is like this, he has friends but they are not really a "meet at the park" group. His sister is totally different, but has really only come into her own this year.

At 16 I I.not sure there is much you can do unfortunately, is she going to 6th form or college in September, if so that often changes the dynamics a d may help

alrightfella · 17/07/2021 09:36

What are her plans this summer? My dd has a Saturday job and is doing 3 hrs a week volunteering as well, both of these offer opportunities to meet people.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 17/07/2021 09:36

@AhNowTed I was the same as your daughter. Never had a partner in class unless they were forced, never asked to things, just picked on incessantly tbh. Sitting by the teacher on the coach on school trips. Secondary school very similar. Parents didn't help because I wasn't allowed to do anything, they wouldn't give lifts etc and I didn't have any money at all until my first job.
However, sixth form was a lot better and uni even better than that. I can't say I've ever "found my tribe" but I did become a lot more social and less lonely.

Lemonlemon88 · 17/07/2021 09:41

Maybe she should host something at home? My parents would always rather we were under their roof then in a park...so our home became a more central hub.

AhNowTed · 17/07/2021 09:44

@BobbinThreadbare123

Yes, the school trips. Everyone milling around in the hall beforehand in their friendship groups, and there's my lovely daughter, sitting alone, pretending to root in her bag and organise her things.

They get on the coach and she's beside the teacher.

I cried my eyes out all the way home.

University changes her life, and I'm so glad it worked that way for you too

Bythehairywartsonmywitchychin · 17/07/2021 09:46

As others have mentioned a part time job, volunteering or joining a group that she has interest in would help her meet new people and possibly start new friendships.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 17/07/2021 09:49

I was the same, OP. Had a few friends, during school hours if you see what I mean, but that never extended to a social life outside school. But when I got to university, it all took off. Wonderful memories, lifelong friends. I hope your D finds the same.

I think it’s the same for a lot of teenagers. We imagine a fabulous social life as seen on the telly, but that’s a bit of a fantasy.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 17/07/2021 09:51

@AhNowTed likewise for your lass.

waterrat · 17/07/2021 09:52

Op have you really helped her look for youth activities ? I did drama in local theatre from about 12 onwards and loved it v friendly and mixed group.

Even with cuts to councils there are still some youth services going - make a list of things she could try like table tennis club or youth club or even volunteering at a food bank

I agree that you might need to challenge her a bit is she backward in arranging things and hoping others will ? Maybe this could be a life lesson ??

Could she set herself a challenge to invite a new friend to hang out in the park?

TheSockMonster · 17/07/2021 09:54

DSS was like this all throughout school, despite wanting and trying hard to make friends.

He started sixth form last year and now has loads of friends and is always out and about. His social media is full of photos of him doing fun things with them and he’s constantly cancelling on us because he has a better offer

I miss him of course, because we don’t see as much of him now, but my heart could explode with happiness for him at finally being accepted.

There was never anything ‘wrong’ with him, he just needed to find his tribe. I hope your DD is the same and has an amazing time at sixth form

Marguerite2000 · 17/07/2021 09:57

My son was the same. He got on better at 6th form college and uni. At the same time, I think he's really a homebody, with the odd day/night out, with just a few friends rather than a big group.

PRsecrets · 17/07/2021 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Duskydai · 17/07/2021 09:59

I was the same at that age, had 2 friends who were fine in school but whenever we’d make plans it would have to be what suited them. We all lived across London and they always wanted me to meet up in their local neighbourhood not caring it took me an hour to do so, or sometimes they would cancel 20 mins before but of course I was already on my way by then. It was crap. However I was better at uni, made a few close friends and after that once I started my first job I made loads and loads of friends, and grew in confidence with this.

We’ve recently moved to a new area with baby DD and I am determined for her to be out in baby groups and meeting other mums/babies for walks etc. considering she has missed out on so much of it being born in lockdown - DH has commented that my calendar is so full he won’t see me much this week so I certainly learned how to be social after my teenage years.

Inastatus · 17/07/2021 10:01

@TupilaLilium

My oldest was like this at 16, he went to a new 6th form and a year later we hardly every see him except when he needs a lift. He took a while to grow into himself.

On the other hand, my 15 year old is very social and we hardly ever see him except to shout "Drink sensibly! Call us if you get into real trouble. If I get an inkling that you are smoking or doing drugs you will be grounded all summer with no xbox!" He causes me great worry.

Hand on heart, the late bloomers have some advantages. By the time my oldest son was really socialising he was mature enough to know himself and not be swayed by peer pressure.

I am sure a middle ground would be best for all. I am sure your DD will find her place - teenage years can be lonely.

Sounds like my situation @TupilaLilium. 16 year old DD never in and I’m forever worrying about what she’s up to. 14 year old DS never out so I worry about that too!

OP I hope your DD finds a nice group of friends in 6th form. In the meantime make the most of your time with her.

warmfluffytowels · 17/07/2021 10:02

What about volunteering at a local animal shelter? They're often crying out for dog walkers or people to clean kennels etc.

rwalker · 17/07/2021 10:03

She need to get a PT job she'll meet people get used to mixing .

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