To want WFH DP in the office

[jasmineblossoms]

So judging from the WFH threads on here I am probably taking my life into my hands but here goes.

I work term time only. Obviously this has its advantages.

I would like DP in the office for a couple of days a week for the next six weeks, mainly so that I can have friends visit.

I’m wondering how to phrase this so it doesn’t sound like ‘fuck off out of your own home’

(A big challenge is that DP doesn’t mind noise. It’s me who minds making it and him listening!)

Oh for goodness sake of course it’s not so she can get drunk, how ridiculous.

I do wonder if perhaps he genuinely thinks he’s being supportive by being around for you.

It isn’t really about moaning about him to be honest, for the most part he’s a lovely partner and dad (although I really hate those blinds …) but with the best will in the world it’s hard to relax and just be as loud as you want. With some groups of friends we tend to reminisce about old times and there are regular rambunctious outbreaks of laughter. Then since the lounge leads to the dining room (where he works) and then the kitchen it’s a constant traipsing to and fro.

I mean I wouldn’t sit and listen to him on a lads night out either. Not because I think he loans about me although I’m sure he does but my presence would be intrusive. He is actually going away for a weekend in September and I wouldn’t dream of going on it even if I was only going to sit upstairs in the holiday cottage. Same thing I suppose.

I think OP might also be struggling with the reality that her friends are two hours away and she has a newborn baby. This is the point where a lot of friendships will fade away. The idea that you will be hosting meetups regularly is really wishful thinking.

So then the question becomes AIBU to want the house to myself regularly for some privacy and solitude? And I don't think there is a clear yes/no answer to that, but I do know that I wouldn't give 20 hours a week of my comfort (8 hours in the office, 2 hours commuting) every week for that.

How about a compromise on one or two days over that period where he can come up with the excuse that there is work going about in the house and he needs to be out?

OP I think actuallly what a lot of people would agree is that YANBU to want some kind of solution to the current setup, it is just that the solution you came up with is not very reasonable or likely to happen

I would go to your husband and just be honest about how hard it will be for you this summer. You understand all is fine for him, but you are a family, he shouldn't just be thinking about himself but about you and your child. You can't keep a child cooped up in a bedroom all summer!

If the problem with the back bedroom is just the lack of signal, you can buy a mobile phone signal booster and hopefully that would sort that out.

He needs to let you replace the horrible blinds.

He needs to get noise cancelling headphones if he's worried about you guys disturbing him.

If he's not willing to consider some rather minor practical steps, that in the end would not make his life worse and would make your life much better, then I think you actually have a serious relationship problem.

@Hont1986

I think OP might also be struggling with the reality that her friends are two hours away and she has a newborn baby. This is the point where a lot of friendships will fade away. The idea that you will be hosting meetups regularly is really wishful thinking.

So then the question becomes AIBU to want the house to myself regularly for some privacy and solitude? And I don't think there is a clear yes/no answer to that, but I do know that I wouldn't give 20 hours a week of my comfort (8 hours in the office, 2 hours commuting) every week for that.

Judgey and selfish

And I think a lot of these comments about just why it would be hard to have friends round and why can I not sit in the lounge or use the garden are why it’s so difficult. It’s really difficult to explain but it does make you a bit self conscious when you’re on display all of the time.

So for instance and this is super petty and I’m not saying it is a big deal or anything as it isn’t but the other day I was putting some bottles in the sink to wash them before using the steriliser. The tap in the kitchen takes a while to run hot so I left it running while I got some washing from the bathroom. Dp obviously thought I’d left it on by mistake and switched it off. Then I switched it on again and he came back in and I had to explain what I was doing and why.

It doesn’t matter. But it’s exhausting. Or when ds shouts and dp comes in - again it’s nothing bad, he’s being nice, but I have to explain, it’s okay, he’s just tired, I’m about to check his nappy, he’s being a bit noisy isn’t he …

I’m sure I do the same sorts of things and when it’s a few hours a day it’s no big deal but as it is it’s every time I’m in the house. So I would like to just have a bit of time to relax in it (and to see friends but not only this reason) before I go to work in September.

But I also guess things have changed and it’s really not a family home. But that makes me sad and I don’t think you can be unreasonable with a feeling.

@jasmineblossoms

I’ve explained he can’t whiskey, there’s only one bedroom that he could feasibly work from and since that’s in exactly the same position as where he currently is just the other side it would be a lot of expense and hassle for no real ‘gains.’ And plus that conversation would be every bit as unreasonable as please can you go to the office for a couple of days.

Basically it’s either DPs home and office and me and ds have to adapt to that. Or it’s our family home.

It’s the former, so I’ll have to get on with it but it does make my life difficult is all.

Him moving into the other bedroom though would mean you would gain back a communal area of the kitchen and dining room and if it's going to be perment setup, he can work on getting it better sound insulated/proofed

hon I see local friends regularly for walks and coffee and so on but friends further afield are different.

Glancing at the whopper next to me, there is no way this is a newborn

@Hont1986

Their lives are easier working from home

God forbid they might want to hang onto that...

Read the rest of the post - why should it be at the expense of everyone else in the home?

God forbid anyone wants to hang on to a home as a home rather than an office.

Does he prefer to wfh? Does he have a long commute?

Personally, I don’t think making him go into the office for 2/5 (40%) of his working week (assuming a 5 day week) so you can have your friends round is very fair. I don’t work from home, but if my DH told me I had to go into work, when I’d rather not (especially if this added a commute) and made my day longer, so they could have friends round I think I’d decline.

If he’s not asking you not to have friends round, which would be unfair, then you can have them round. I get that you’d prefer not to, but he might prefer not to go into the office.

Compromise would be he goes into the office one day a week, one day you have friends round when he’s there or go to another friends house.

I've worked from home for 5 years; husband since Covid. I can't wait for him to go back to the office for a couple of days a week. It's not happening because his work is currently letting the NHS use a big part of their office as a vaccination centre and the people who couldn't work from home are in the rest.

I need some days were home is just that, home. Not office, no calls in the background, no mess made at lunchtime, no interpretations because he wants to tell me something. Just home, for relaxing, for being a refuge from work. You are not being unreasonable.

How about they come to your house, go on the patio, talk general talk, show the house, play with baby etc... and then you offer to go to the park, when you can sit and let it all out talking about all you don't want your OH to hear.

@Hont1986

I think OP might also be struggling with the reality that her friends are two hours away and she has a newborn baby. This is the point where a lot of friendships will fade away. The idea that you will be hosting meetups regularly is really wishful thinking.

So then the question becomes AIBU to want the house to myself regularly for some privacy and solitude? And I don't think there is a clear yes/no answer to that, but I do know that I wouldn't give 20 hours a week of my comfort (8 hours in the office, 2 hours commuting) every week for that.

Speak for yourself, lots of us manage to maintain all of our friendships across whatever geography post-baby you personally might not be considerate enough to flex your work pattern within the allowable parameters to facilitate your family life or your partner and children’s convenience, but most people do just that and always have.

@converseandjeans

YANBU people need to get back to the office so home is home again and not and office.

Well that's not for you to decide. That's something for individual companies, individual workers (if there's a choice) and individual families.

My husband ìs working for a large organisation at the moment and there are no plans to have them back in the office anytime soon. When they do go back it will be hybrid working.

I think at a time of massively increasing covid cases it's maybe not the right time to be adding more people into commuting and offices.

If masks have to be worn in the office then it would be a straight no from me if I was your husband.

I am always interested that people think workers can't go back to the office because of the risk of Covid, but you can have friends over to your house and no one worries about the risk of Covid. I work in a school and all the teachers are packed into small classrooms and staff rooms every day by the 'Head Office' are working from home still as it is not safe. I therefore think you are being very reasonable OP. We all need our own space sometimes and having friends round without having to negotiate is perfectly reasonable. If your husband has an office he should use it to give you some independence. I don't think couples are designed to spend every day together in the same space.

You're really making this difficult for yourself. Move your DP upstairs and enable WiFi calling on his phone. He then doesn't need a mobile signal as his phone will work over the WiFi.

I WFH and have always worked in our bedroom, out of the way of the living areas. I'd be pissed off if DH wanted me to go to the office when there was another solution (not that I can, the office is 170 miles away and I WFH permanently!).

OP I feel the same. Work term time and usually would have friends and kids friends round but feel restricted by dh still at home. He has conference calls constantly and I'd definitely be interrupting.... his company is having a meet Tuesday after Boris has had his say so I'm hopeful!

I think you’re getting a hard time on here op. I completely get where you are coming from and don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. Luckily we have a spare bedroom that we use as an office and dh has an office locally that he goes to but on the occasions where he did work from home (before the local office) it would drive me mad on my day off. Just constantly appearing, asking what I’m doing, walking around whilst talking on the phone. I was so glad when he went back into the office.
It’s great that lots of people can now wfh but this is primarily people’s homes and it’s not set out for that. The same as when people complain about neighbours doing noisy jobs in the daytime when they’re trying to work. These are peoples homes and they should be able to relax in them.
I’d have a word with him and explain how you feel, if he’s as reasonable as you say he will hopefully be understanding.
Also, get the blinds changed - or shout him in to do it every time you want the open/closed!

If I owned my own home and my recently moved in BF asked me to vacate two days a week so they could entertain friends they would be the one vacating permanently.

Sounds like you are uncomfortable talking back to your OH, OP.

Agree with pp this shouldn't be that hard. Have you actually told him how stressful it is for you to be tip toeing around him wfh taking over the downstairs? You're not able to use the kitchen, not able to have any noise from baby, not able to have friends round... I'm exhausted and depressed just thinking about that!

Stop thinking his needs trump yours or babys, he doesn't.

I would sit at a table with the curtains closed rather than commute into the office. Or I would go upstairs to a bedroom when not on teams. I would tell colleagues I need to be off camera because people of disruption in the home. I wouldn’t traipse into the office on a 1hour plus commute. But I’m not your husband.

Of course it is reasonable to ask but unreasonable to not accept no as the answer.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

If I owned my own home and my recently moved in BF asked me to vacate two days a week so they could entertain friends they would be the one vacating permanently.

Why have you just made up your own unrelated scenario to express an outlandish opinion on are you drinking enough water?

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

If I owned my own home and my recently moved in BF asked me to vacate two days a week so they could entertain friends they would be the one vacating permanently.

Hardly the same situation

He needs to sort out a room and work from there. I work from our bedroom. I stay away from the rest of the house.

What's the complex equipment he has?