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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can I message my child’s ex teacher on Facebook?

251 replies

Haava123 · 17/07/2021 00:37

I’m a single mum, a couple of years a go I had a major crush on my son’s teacher, it was also very clear that he was feeling the same, he couldn’t take his eyes off me, there was so much chemistry between us and we couldn’t hide our smile every time we talk. Unfortunately, this didn’t go anywhere because we didn’t have a chance to make a move. Since then I kept thinking of him although I didn’t see him for over a year because of Covid. I recently found out that he is leaving the school and I feel devastated. I don’t know if he is with someone now, and I don’t know if he is moving to another city but the idea that I’m no going to see him ever again is making me really sad.

Is it ok to send him a message on Facebook? I’m not planning to send him a friend request, and I know it will look really weird and unprofessional, but all I want is to have one private conversation with him, and hopefully stay in contact somehow. Please advise!

OP posts:
Seesawmummadaw · 17/07/2021 11:14

Do it! He might be worried about contacting you first.

sammylady37 · 17/07/2021 11:16

@donquixotedelamancha

You say ‘extreme social issues’, I say ‘strong work/personal life boundaries’.

Professional boundaries are fine. I have have the same in my job which is why I said earlier he can't initiate romantic interest.

What you are saying is that he might effectively feel violated by a friend request from a former student's parent. That's nothing to do with boundaries, it would be completely irrational. There is nothing to suggest that's the case.

It’s everything to do with boundaries. Lots of professionals draw very clear boundaries between their work and their personal lives. They want no crossover between them. And that’s entirely valid, reasonable and rational. The same people generally work hard to maintain those boundaries. So when someone breaches them, by finding their social media or by other means, it can feel like an intrusion and violation.
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 17/07/2021 11:16

Have to say I'm disappointed to see on a site that's so ferociously defensive of women's right to consent and right to not be harassed (and rightly ruddy so) be so "yeah go for it OP" in relation to a probably one sided crush just because she's a woman and he's a man

Uramaki · 17/07/2021 11:19

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

I did wonder what would happen with the responses if the teacher was a female.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 17/07/2021 11:21

@Uramaki

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

I did wonder what would happen with the responses if the teacher was a female.

I can tell you exactly what would happen. The teacher OP would be encouraged to:
  • Call 101
  • Report the dad to his employer
  • Ask for the child to be removed from the school
  • Have therapy for PTSD

🤣

TatianaBis · 17/07/2021 11:54

I think it’s highly unlikely you could have picked up on definite cues in the circumstances you describe. Most likely you’ve misinterpreted a kind teacher giving standard attention to a parent.

toocold54 · 17/07/2021 11:57

As he’s an ex teacher you might as well go for it.
But I have to say in the kindest way possible - that many, many women fancy their child’s teacher (I am guilty too) and that they think the feeling is reciprocated. I do often think that sometimes the male teachers don’t discourage this too. So maybe send an easy going message rather than how much you’re in love with him Grin

I do remember my parent friend swearing that our DCs teacher fancied her so on the last day she bravely went up to him and gave him her number and asked him out for a drink and before he could reply the head walked in and shared the news that they were expecting a baby together and they wanted to tell us first before rumours spread (they were both married to different people) and so the whole time my friend thought he fancied her he was actually married and having an affair with the head.

chaosrabbitland · 17/07/2021 11:59

id go for it myself , you have nothing to lose , if he has a girlfriend now you dont have to see him anymore so it spares you any embarresment . the only thing im thinking is if you send him the message , but dont friend request him it will go into his other folders and he likely wont see it unless hes one of these rare people that checks it . iv had people message me that arent friends and i only see the message months later , if he accepts your request then your onto a starting point arent you ? good luck op

chaosrabbitland · 17/07/2021 12:08

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Have to say I'm disappointed to see on a site that's so ferociously defensive of women's right to consent and right to not be harassed (and rightly ruddy so) be so "yeah go for it OP" in relation to a probably one sided crush just because she's a woman and he's a man
jesus christ , she plans to send him a friendly message , not ask him if he fancies a shag , get some perspective please
PumpkinKlNG · 17/07/2021 12:10

I’m starting to wonder if this is my sons old teacher! He was so hot and I felt like there was flirting too but then I’m more aware and know it was me just building it up in my head 😅😂 I was seriously attracted to him he was my sons teacher for 2 years and now he is leaving the school to work in a new school, I was more upset than I should be! If it is the same man I also looked him up on Facebook (was never going to add or message him was just being nosey) and btw he’s in a relationship!

EmeraldShamrock · 17/07/2021 12:14

No way. A lot of women feel similar for DS's principal he is gorgeous and makes some of the women go weak at the knees with his big smile manner and gorgeous body.
I'd say he hates the eyes on him.

PumpkinKlNG · 17/07/2021 12:16

Oh and I use to see my sons teacher all the time as he lived near us, even ran into him in the local shop, he lived a few streets away so some people see their kids teacher a lot more than you would expect! I saw him on my road once 😬

ImmyMc · 17/07/2021 12:22

As I teacher, I would ignore your message. Social media is NOT the place for anything school-related, crush or no crush.

notthemum · 17/07/2021 12:43

Op STILL HASN'T TOLD US ....
What makes her think that he ever fancied her ?

Obviously completely different situations but people who work in customer facing roles, sales, receptionists, bar staff are usually taught to be chatty, friendly and approachable. Some of them are extremely good at it and can make the person they are speaking to feel like the one person they should be with and that they are the only person in the world.

EmeraldShamrock · 17/07/2021 12:54

It's a fantasy OP if he felt the same he'd track you down.
He probably won't remember your DC at first, you've created a fantasy and need to snap out of it.
Stop looking at his Facebook, you'll be one of many who are attracted to him.

Aprilx · 17/07/2021 13:12

It was two years ago since you exchanged glances and you haven’t seen him for a year since. I think it is hopeful in the extreme that there was or will be anything in this. I also think it is slightly cringe to contact him now, but if you can dress it up as a fairly innocuous good luck message it might at least give you some peace of mind.

ObviousNameChage · 17/07/2021 13:15

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Have to say I'm disappointed to see on a site that's so ferociously defensive of women's right to consent and right to not be harassed (and rightly ruddy so) be so "yeah go for it OP" in relation to a probably one sided crush just because she's a woman and he's a man
But the "go for it " involves sending a friend request which can be easily ignored or he can even block her. At most continued with a "sorry you're leaving " message which would then put the ball in his court to have a conversation or not.

I've had parents or even grandparents try to add me on fb (they found me through my friends as I live locally) . I just ignored the requests as I have no interest in being their friend on fb or otherwise and that's that.

Hankunamatata · 17/07/2021 13:17

I'd send him a message and ask him out. You have nothing to lose

Uramaki · 17/07/2021 13:32

But the "go for it " involves sending a friend request which can be easily ignored or he can even block her.

Yes but with that comes the "oh god have I somehow given the impression that I welcome Facebook requests" and the feeling that someone has deliberately searched you out on the Internet. It's an instrusion. OP is not his friend. If they met down the pub that's a different matter. The only reason OP knows who he is is because he has no choice but to teach her child.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 17/07/2021 13:40

Yes exactly @Uramaki

I don't think some people realise how teachers view parents. We are nice to you and we like most of you but we are not your friends, and don't want to interact outside of school. We teach your children, that is our profession it's the only way we know you. We deal with your children, their good side and bad, and there's a genuine obligation to keep a professional boundary because, to be blunt, we may have to ring you one day and tell you something you might not want to hear about your child.

Even if we don't teach your child anymore, there's a real complex history there, and it might not look as rosy as you think it does!

Uramaki · 17/07/2021 13:44

It's like doctors really I guess. More than shopkeepers. One day they might have to give you bad news so keep a professional distance.

EmeraldShamrock · 17/07/2021 14:03

There is something extra attractive about a man in a caring role when he wears a nice suit. My Doctor is very attractive he must be 60.

EmJay19 · 17/07/2021 14:08

It’s not illegal is it.
And you’ll probably never see him again

gogohm · 17/07/2021 14:11

My friend le dp is her DD's former teacher, he asked her out on the last day of term, when both he and friends dd was leaving the school. Only an issue for @Haava123 if he's a teacher at the school of your dc

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 17/07/2021 14:25

Surely there's an unwritten rule that as a parent you don't view teachers as potential partners (and vice versa)? It's a line you just don't cross.

And I think if the attraction was there two years ago, it's a bit late to try to make something of it so far down the line. It just seems a bit desperate.

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