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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can I message my child’s ex teacher on Facebook?

251 replies

Haava123 · 17/07/2021 00:37

I’m a single mum, a couple of years a go I had a major crush on my son’s teacher, it was also very clear that he was feeling the same, he couldn’t take his eyes off me, there was so much chemistry between us and we couldn’t hide our smile every time we talk. Unfortunately, this didn’t go anywhere because we didn’t have a chance to make a move. Since then I kept thinking of him although I didn’t see him for over a year because of Covid. I recently found out that he is leaving the school and I feel devastated. I don’t know if he is with someone now, and I don’t know if he is moving to another city but the idea that I’m no going to see him ever again is making me really sad.

Is it ok to send him a message on Facebook? I’m not planning to send him a friend request, and I know it will look really weird and unprofessional, but all I want is to have one private conversation with him, and hopefully stay in contact somehow. Please advise!

OP posts:
FrostyFruit · 17/07/2021 01:18

Go for it OP. Life is too short not to try. What's the worst that could happen, he's leaving the school anyway so you won't have to awkwardly see him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/07/2021 01:24

@WorraLiberty

There were always other parents and teachers around

If he had wanted to get you alone, he could easily have done that.

There's no way he should have though, as the child's teacher. Now he's now it's worth a punt.
Sycamoretrees · 17/07/2021 01:24

Life's too short to waste opportunities to be happy. Send him a light friendly message, but be prepared to leave it if no reply or you get the brush off. Hope it works out for you.

Understandingnotignorance · 17/07/2021 01:44

Go for it, life is too short and we always regret more what we didn't do more than what we did.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 17/07/2021 01:45

Ok I'm gonna go against the grain here.

Maybe people will see it differently because I'm a woman, but I'm a teacher and I've had a few of my pupil's dads message me on social media to ask me out over the years - all said similar l, that they felt there was a connection, a spark, flirting at parents evening etc.

There never was - I look them in the eye and smile and keep it light because I want my interaction with them to be a positive one. I mean maybe yours was a spark OP, I'm just speaking from experience. And it was so incredibly awkward and annoying when they messaged me, I had to tell the Head just in case things went awry and it made me very uncomfortable. Luckily my school has a no-dating parents policy so I had that as an excuse but still it wasn't ideal to have to lie, i would much rather have said it's inappropriate but you can't be too careful with parents

Mummy7777 · 17/07/2021 02:03

Well now that he's moving to a different school....go for it. You'll regret it otherwise. Just send a friendly message on Facebook...see how he replies..

Twilight7777 · 17/07/2021 02:07

Go for it, I would friend request first because as someone else said it may go to his junk messages and he may not see it

Wombatstew · 17/07/2021 02:12

@MsMoody

Meh- shoot him a message and tell him what a great teacher he was and wish him luck for the future. See where it goes!
I agree do this. I do get a notification on fb to let me know I have a new message request but to make sure I would also send him a friend request otherwise you will wonder if he received it.

And please let us know how it goes!

motherrunner · 17/07/2021 05:28

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Ok I'm gonna go against the grain here.

Maybe people will see it differently because I'm a woman, but I'm a teacher and I've had a few of my pupil's dads message me on social media to ask me out over the years - all said similar l, that they felt there was a connection, a spark, flirting at parents evening etc.

There never was - I look them in the eye and smile and keep it light because I want my interaction with them to be a positive one. I mean maybe yours was a spark OP, I'm just speaking from experience. And it was so incredibly awkward and annoying when they messaged me, I had to tell the Head just in case things went awry and it made me very uncomfortable. Luckily my school has a no-dating parents policy so I had that as an excuse but still it wasn't ideal to have to lie, i would much rather have said it's inappropriate but you can't be too careful with parents

Agree with this. I’m also a teacher. We have teacher face and persona. If you’ve only spoken to him on school grounds I’m not sure whether you know the ‘real him’. Also how would you contact him? My social media is heavily locked down. you can’t search me and only find me as a ‘friend of a friend’.
ilovesooty · 17/07/2021 05:39

As a former teacher I agree with the other teachers who posted. I really don't see anything to suggest that he was anything other than professionally polite to you.

CallMeRisley · 17/07/2021 05:42

I’m a primary school teacher and I agree with @FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

However if you do choose to send a friendly farewell message, so remember that FB messages from non-friends go into a different inbox for “message requests” that you have to actively look for and then accept so if he doesn’t reply you might not know whether he saw it and chose not to reply or if he hasn’t seen it!

Amandasummers · 17/07/2021 05:55

I think now he’s not your child’s teacher it’s fine - go for it!

Brown76 · 17/07/2021 05:55

I’d be more upfront and maybe give the teacher a card at the school and include your email and say ‘would love to keep in touch’ or something obvious. If not interested at least you never have to see them again.

Amandasummers · 17/07/2021 05:56

Op the moment hasn’t passed!!! If it’s a romantic interest why not? And if it’s genuinely to thank them etc why not!? I’d love to hear I’d made someone happy even if it was a long time after the fact!

SquashMinusIsShit · 17/07/2021 06:03

@Brown76

I’d be more upfront and maybe give the teacher a card at the school and include your email and say ‘would love to keep in touch’ or something obvious. If not interested at least you never have to see them again.
Do.this with your phone number in the card

Facebook messages are weird, I recently found a spam folder with loads. Of weird (clearly dodgy) messages but when someone legit sends me a message I get a notification. So it seems a bit bit and miss whether he'll get it or not

frigglerock · 17/07/2021 06:12

I'd rather try and fail than not try and always wonder what could have happened. As long as you keep it light to begin with and take any hints that he's not interested, it doesn't do any harm. He doesn't have to reply if he doesn't want to, and there's no professional issue, since he's no longer your son's teacher.

Wallpapering · 17/07/2021 06:14

A couple of years ago you had a crush you couldn’t take your eyes off each other.

You not seen him since covid so just over a year

So when did you stop having these eyes moments, was it months or year or two before covid?

kids been back at school for ages, you just found out he leaving? Was there no longing eye gazing across playground?

When did you remember fancy him again?

If it Mr.D he lovingly looks in to most mums eyes, some make him blush Grin

KateTheEighth · 17/07/2021 06:20

I wouldn't send a friend request

Maybe a quick "good luck in your new job" message then he can ignore it if he wants to

Tanfastic · 17/07/2021 06:24

Op, can you tell us more about the situations you found yourself in with him and what he said to make you think there was a connection? I mean what stood out for you that he didn't do or say with other mums?

Solidaritea · 17/07/2021 06:24

If you flipped this around, how many of you would encourage a man to contact a female teacher?

I am a teacher and, like other teachers, think this is not ok.

The moment hasn't passed because there was most likely no moment in the first place.

3Britnee · 17/07/2021 06:27

Carpe diem. Do it op.

MaMaD1990 · 17/07/2021 06:30

No harm in a "good luck, sad you're leaving" type of facebook message. Its then up to him if he wishes to pursue.

FunMcCool · 17/07/2021 06:33

Post a card to the school office with your number in, if he gets in touch great.

SherryPalmer · 17/07/2021 06:33

Dear Mr Teacher,

Thank you for being such a great teacher to DS blah blah blah. Good luck with your move. If you’d like to stay in touch my number is xxxxxxxx or add me on Facebook.

If he’s interested he’ll get in touch, if not you haven’t put yourself out there too much.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 17/07/2021 06:34

I work in a school with a number of young male teachers.

They have been approached by many, many mums over the years, and it has never ever been reciprocated.

Invariably, they are mortified that their friendly, kind gestures have been misconstrued or that concern has been misunderstood as anything other than professional.

OP, I really think that this crush is one-sided. If he wanted to approach you, especially after your child left his class, then he could have done so. No man wastes years on longing glances and secret smiles - he does something about it or moves on.

If, for the sake of completeness and peace of mind, you need this conclusively proven, or I guess on the slim chance that he felt the same and is willing to act now that he is moving on, send a good luck card as a prompt. No need to include your number as he has this on school records. If he's as interested as you say, he'll be making a note of it.