Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I message my child’s ex teacher on Facebook?

251 replies

Haava123 · 17/07/2021 00:37

I’m a single mum, a couple of years a go I had a major crush on my son’s teacher, it was also very clear that he was feeling the same, he couldn’t take his eyes off me, there was so much chemistry between us and we couldn’t hide our smile every time we talk. Unfortunately, this didn’t go anywhere because we didn’t have a chance to make a move. Since then I kept thinking of him although I didn’t see him for over a year because of Covid. I recently found out that he is leaving the school and I feel devastated. I don’t know if he is with someone now, and I don’t know if he is moving to another city but the idea that I’m no going to see him ever again is making me really sad.

Is it ok to send him a message on Facebook? I’m not planning to send him a friend request, and I know it will look really weird and unprofessional, but all I want is to have one private conversation with him, and hopefully stay in contact somehow. Please advise!

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 17/07/2021 09:41

Another teacher here, I've been the bloke in this situation. I think you need to factor in that he absolutely cannot make the first move, it's just not appropriate.

I would not phone even if given a number and I would be very careful on social media.

I would send a friend request after he's left and then do the asking out. If he's not accessible on FB then I think your only option is to ask him out in person.

Lalliella · 17/07/2021 10:00

OP, only regret the things in life that you don’t do. Go for it! What’s the worst that can happen? If I was feeling bold I might go further and send him a friend request. Good luck, and don’t forget to report back!

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 17/07/2021 10:01

Two years down the line from these 'exchanges' taking place though? I would think he's probably in a relationship by now. The time for making a move has been missed I'd say.

ItPearl · 17/07/2021 10:02

Could you take it in stages, just send him a friend request.

If you're already friends then obviously, if he'd wanted to say something to just you he could have done that.

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 17/07/2021 10:06

For goodness sake just send the message already. ‘ hi. Heard you were leaving. Such a shame the kids will surely
Miss you I know my son loved having you as his teacher’ etc. Get off Mumsnet and get on fb. It’s only a bloody message not a marriage proposal.

Twistiesandshout · 17/07/2021 10:06

Go for it OP! Worst case he messages a polite reply back, best case he asks you out :)

FreekStar2 · 17/07/2021 10:09

Although most schools discourage it, there's no law that says a teacher can't have personal relationships with parents of children at their school. It would be OK to send him a friend request or even ask him out on a date.

Talk2thehand · 17/07/2021 10:10

@Marmitemarinaded nope we're too different people but I think maybe she thought your comment to me was to her?! It's easy to get confused on here

sammylady37 · 17/07/2021 10:10

Well he'll feel uncomfortable for the 2 seconds it takes for him to delete the friend request... The "not seeing each other again so it doesn't matter" thing works both ways

Well, no, not necessarily. For him, this might well be one more in a long line of inappropriate and unwelcome contacts from people he deals with in the course of his job. He may see it as a very unwelcome intrusion into his personal life, an unacceptable crossing of boundaries and be utterly sick of such crap from people. That’s how I feel when I am approached by people I work with outside of the work setting, whether that spot is here is a come-on, someone wanting a casual char, looking for advice, whatever... they’re all the same to me, unwanted, unwelcome and intrusive. I give enough of myself to work, when I’m not at work I don’t want anything to do with it or the people I encounter professionally.

Ohhyeahright · 17/07/2021 10:11

Half of me says go for it else you’ll never know.

The other half strongly believes that if a man wants you, he’ll make it known and do something about it

sammylady37 · 17/07/2021 10:11

^^

whether that spot is here is a come-on, someone wanting a casual char

Whether that approach is...
Casual chat

Mpsister · 17/07/2021 10:14

Do it. Good luck

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 17/07/2021 10:22

Go for it. Don't offer a Shakespearian sonnet.

A quick 'Hi, you popped up in my recommended and I didn't want to not say hello :) Hope you're doing well. *James still speaks about you all the time, after two years I still think he prefers you to me ;) Hope you've got something nice planned for the holidays after the year we've all had. Take care x'

It's friendly enough to be brushed off a casual but it's also an olive branch if he wants anything more.

Yaya26 · 17/07/2021 10:23

@Bettysnow

Perhaps send him a friendly good luck message? If hes interested he will keep the contact going if hes not he won't and you'll save yourself any embarrassment
This. Nothing to lose and the worse to happen is that he doesn't reply.
donquixotedelamancha · 17/07/2021 10:24

For him, this might well be one more in a long line of inappropriate and unwelcome contacts from people he deals with in the course of his job. He may see it as a very unwelcome intrusion into his personal life, an unacceptable crossing of boundaries and be utterly sick of such crap from people. That’s how I feel when I am approached by people I work with outside of the work setting, whether that spot is here is a come-on, someone wanting a casual char, looking for advice, whatever... they’re all the same to me, unwanted, unwelcome and intrusive. I give enough of myself to work, when I’m not at work I don’t want anything to do with it or the people I encounter professionally.

I think it's unlikely someone with such extreme social issues that they'd feel that about a FB request would qualify as a teacher (or be able to continue in post if that developed). OP has met him and he seemed normal and friendly.

Besswess88 · 17/07/2021 10:28

I am a public sector, public facing job which involves supporting families.

You would never be able to find me on FB let alone message me.

sammylady37 · 17/07/2021 10:43

@donquixotedelamancha

For him, this might well be one more in a long line of inappropriate and unwelcome contacts from people he deals with in the course of his job. He may see it as a very unwelcome intrusion into his personal life, an unacceptable crossing of boundaries and be utterly sick of such crap from people. That’s how I feel when I am approached by people I work with outside of the work setting, whether that spot is here is a come-on, someone wanting a casual char, looking for advice, whatever... they’re all the same to me, unwanted, unwelcome and intrusive. I give enough of myself to work, when I’m not at work I don’t want anything to do with it or the people I encounter professionally.

I think it's unlikely someone with such extreme social issues that they'd feel that about a FB request would qualify as a teacher (or be able to continue in post if that developed). OP has met him and he seemed normal and friendly.

You say ‘extreme social issues’, I say ‘strong work/personal life boundaries’.

IME, those of us used to CFs trying to breach them get very weary and jaded from it, and really resent them.

roguetomato · 17/07/2021 10:45

Well why not? If he's leaving the school, then there will not be anything that can cause any sort of awkwardness or trouble even if it didn't turn out to be the way you wanted to be. And nothing will happen unless you make a move.

Uramaki · 17/07/2021 10:48

sammylady37
Agreed. It's about boundaries. You don't know how strong his are. And it might seem like one request won't do much harm but it can be annoying having to deal with this things. If I thought I was having a nice pleasant professional conversation and it turned out a client/customer had read far too much into it and felt there was chemistry and I can't keep my eyes off them I'd be so weirded out by it.

donquixotedelamancha · 17/07/2021 10:53

You say ‘extreme social issues’, I say ‘strong work/personal life boundaries’.

Professional boundaries are fine. I have have the same in my job which is why I said earlier he can't initiate romantic interest.

What you are saying is that he might effectively feel violated by a friend request from a former student's parent. That's nothing to do with boundaries, it would be completely irrational. There is nothing to suggest that's the case.

UKSub · 17/07/2021 11:04

@donquixotedelamancha

Another teacher here, I've been the bloke in this situation. I think you need to factor in that he absolutely cannot make the first move, it's just not appropriate.

I would not phone even if given a number and I would be very careful on social media.

I would send a friend request after he's left and then do the asking out. If he's not accessible on FB then I think your only option is to ask him out in person.

This sounds good. And I agree with others, just say ‘sorry to hear you are leaving, are you off to exciting new ventures? Good luck with the it all’ and see what happens. Keep it light. Good luck! X
BreatheAndFocus · 17/07/2021 11:06

My instinct is that it’s a bit cringey. If he wanted to he could have found you on FB, he could have made up an excuse to speak to you now he’s leaving - but he didn’t. To me, it sounds like he’s not interested or bothered really.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 17/07/2021 11:12

Send him a message.
What’s the worst that can happen?
He’s not going to be at that primary school either so it’s an ideal time.
Good luck!

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 17/07/2021 11:12

@Solidaritea

If you flipped this around, how many of you would encourage a man to contact a female teacher?

I am a teacher and, like other teachers, think this is not ok.

The moment hasn't passed because there was most likely no moment in the first place.

Yes exactly.

The 'moment' was probably a teacher speaking a parent in enthusiastic terms about their pupil and because the OP fancies him she probably saw it as a 'moment' that was based on attraction

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 17/07/2021 11:13

Also, ignore the people who are saying he would have made a move if he was interested.
He would be risking his job and career by doing this. It’s absolutely no indication that he’s not interested in you.