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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I message my child’s ex teacher on Facebook?

251 replies

Haava123 · 17/07/2021 00:37

I’m a single mum, a couple of years a go I had a major crush on my son’s teacher, it was also very clear that he was feeling the same, he couldn’t take his eyes off me, there was so much chemistry between us and we couldn’t hide our smile every time we talk. Unfortunately, this didn’t go anywhere because we didn’t have a chance to make a move. Since then I kept thinking of him although I didn’t see him for over a year because of Covid. I recently found out that he is leaving the school and I feel devastated. I don’t know if he is with someone now, and I don’t know if he is moving to another city but the idea that I’m no going to see him ever again is making me really sad.

Is it ok to send him a message on Facebook? I’m not planning to send him a friend request, and I know it will look really weird and unprofessional, but all I want is to have one private conversation with him, and hopefully stay in contact somehow. Please advise!

OP posts:
MrsWhites · 17/07/2021 14:37

Wait until school finishes for the summer and then friend request him. If he was genuinely interested he’ll add you and then start up a conversation himself.

I wouldn’t do anything until he’s left or it could become a bit embarrassing if you have got it wrong x

Honeybeebloom · 17/07/2021 14:58

Totally agree with @FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop and genuinely shocked by some of the comments saying, "well it's not illegal" etc. I've had to put up with plenty of men do and say things in my life that aren't illegal but make me really uncomfortable. Just because it's illegal doesn't mean it's ok. I get he has the choice to ignore a message or friend request but as a teacher it would make me really guarded and cautious during my interactions with parents to receive such a message or request and worry about the impression I was giving when really I'm just being friendly in a professional capacity.

saraclara · 17/07/2021 17:37

If the single father of one of my ex pupils contacted me on FB, I'd feel very very awkward about it.

You don't even know if this guy is unattached!

Thewinterofdiscontent · 17/07/2021 17:43

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Also, ignore the people who are saying he would have made a move if he was interested. He would be risking his job and career by doing this. It’s absolutely no indication that he’s not interested in you.
What’s that’s saying is his career is more important than his interest in her. If there is a genuine “ she’s the one” he’d absolutely do something to enable the relationship. Move schools, wait until the child left and make contact, whatever. The heart wants what the heart wants. Or not.
MajesticWhine · 17/07/2021 17:47

No harm in a friendly message wishing him well. If he's not interested he won't reply. It's hardly harassment.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 17/07/2021 17:48

Oh give over.
I was absolutely smitten with my husband the second I saw him.
If it had been a risk to my career, no way would I have pursued it.
Imagine if the teacher made a move but was incorrect about her interest and she reported him.
What if he was very happy in his school and didn’t want to move to another job, especially over a flirtation which in couldn’t be developed until he had moved?
If her feelings are reciprocated, he was in a catch 22.

ShortBacknSides · 17/07/2021 17:54

it was also very clear that he was feeling the same, he couldn’t take his eyes off me, there was so much chemistry between us and we couldn’t hide our smile every time we talk.

Romcoms aren’t real, you know, @Haava123

Confusedandshaken · 17/07/2021 22:45

@EmeraldShamrock

There is something extra attractive about a man in a caring role when he wears a nice suit. My Doctor is very attractive he must be 60.
I'm gorgeous. I'm over 60. Age isn't a barrier to being attractive. On the whole if someone is too old or too young for us, nature ensures we just don't feel that initial attraction.

Obviously nature gets it wrong sometimes. This week I was catcalled by a van of men young enough to be my grandchildren (total stealth boast!).After I got over the surprise I rolled my eyes at them and moved on. But that sort of mismatch isn't happening here. OP and the teacher are apparently of an age to be suited. Let her give it a go and see what happens. He who dares win Rodney!

WyfOfBathe · 17/07/2021 22:59

@Honeybeebloom

Totally agree with *@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop* and genuinely shocked by some of the comments saying, "well it's not illegal" etc. I've had to put up with plenty of men do and say things in my life that aren't illegal but make me really uncomfortable. Just because it's illegal doesn't mean it's ok. I get he has the choice to ignore a message or friend request but as a teacher it would make me really guarded and cautious during my interactions with parents to receive such a message or request and worry about the impression I was giving when really I'm just being friendly in a professional capacity.
I’m a teacher but I really don’t understand this level of discomfort around friend requests.

I teach secondary so every year I get a few requests from ex students. I always ignore them. A few colleagues do accept them (over 18s, left long ago, etc). While I have absolutely no interest in being Facebook friends with former students, I’ve never thought about their friend request for more than the 2 seconds it takes me to delete it.

DixonD · 17/07/2021 23:10

@ilovesooty

As a former teacher I agree with the other teachers who posted. I really don't see anything to suggest that he was anything other than professionally polite to you.
I’m not a teacher, but I agree with them too.

It sounds as though you are confusing adoration with romantic feelings. I wouldn’t send a message, sorry.

EmeraldShamrock · 17/07/2021 23:31

You need a hobby to take your mind off this fantasy.
I'm sure he isn't moving schools with you in mind, if he is he'll find you.
Stop watching rom-coms and focus on the reality.
You're lonely and not thinking straight.

Peach01 · 18/07/2021 00:25

You could message him to say thank you and why you couldn't do it via card. It's opening the lines of communication and see how he responds. I personally wouldn't go in any stronger at this stage. If he's keen, he has means of contacting you.

CallMeNutribullet · 18/07/2021 00:29

Fuck it, he's leaving anyway. I would

Marmitemarinaded · 18/07/2021 10:50

@Peach01

You could message him to say thank you and why you couldn't do it via card. It's opening the lines of communication and see how he responds. I personally wouldn't go in any stronger at this stage. If he's keen, he has means of contacting you.
Thank you?

Hasn’t the time passed for that considering it was a couple of years ago

fourminutestosavetheworld · 18/07/2021 10:59

Hope you update us once you've made a decision, and acted on it, op.

I'm one of the sceptical posters. I've just seen too many mortified male teachers over the years! I think it must be a hazard of the job, for men in caring professions - doctors, teachers, counsellors, therapists and so on just seem to have their kindness misconstrued so often. But if you're determined to do it then I can't help hoping for a happy ending.

Peach01 · 18/07/2021 11:58

*Thank you?

Hasn’t the time passed for that considering it was a couple of years ago*

Dear god 😂 It's a means of opening up communication. Same could be said for anything that's put on the message. What's she going to say? I'm full of regret for not trying to get it on years ago but shall we do it now? 🙄
It's not too late for a thank you. It's better to have a reason to message that's not so forthcoming in case this ex teacher doesn't want to know.

Marmitemarinaded · 18/07/2021 12:14

Thank you for being a good teacher to my son… a couple of years ago?

Ok.

Peach01 · 18/07/2021 12:20

@Marmitemarinaded

Thank you for being a good teacher to my son… a couple of years ago?

Ok.

😂😂😂😂😂 You bored?
BrownEyedGirl80 · 18/07/2021 12:30

Hi i really fancy you and regret not making a move.Fancy a fuck?

Marmitemarinaded · 18/07/2021 12:35

Well yes, a little
Why else would I be on mumsnet?!

fourminutestosavetheworld · 18/07/2021 12:39

@Marmitemarinaded

Thank you for being a good teacher to my son… a couple of years ago?

Ok.

"Just heard that you're leaving. Good luck in your new job! Tommy had a fantastic year with you in Year 3, so your new school is very lucky."

Put phone number somewhere.

Done.

If he's not interested, he'll ignore.

If he's interested, he'll call.

Rudeppl · 18/07/2021 13:02

What did you decide to do, OP?

hawkehurstgang · 18/07/2021 13:15

Go for it! Just say that you heard he's leaving and just wnted to say sorry to hear it as he was a fab teacher and your son loved him. Disguise it as a thank you message. If he's into you he will continue the conversation. I am a teacher and would find this message lovely and touching even without the chemistry so probably won't find it weird. Did you post about this at the time, by the way? Rings such a bell. And please update us if there is good news! Fingers crossed for you!

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/07/2021 13:20

Did you post about this at the time, by the way? Rings such a bell.
Almost certainly. I've definitely read it before.
I hope op hasn't been stewing about this for two years...

EmeraldShamrock · 18/07/2021 14:26

I've definitely read it before.
I hope op hasn't been stewing about this for two years...

^I’m a single mum, a couple of years a go I had a major crush on my son’s teacher, it was also very clear that he was feeling the same^
Still crushing.
Couple of years now, it sounds obsessive setting up a fantasy of his love.