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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can I message my child’s ex teacher on Facebook?

251 replies

Haava123 · 17/07/2021 00:37

I’m a single mum, a couple of years a go I had a major crush on my son’s teacher, it was also very clear that he was feeling the same, he couldn’t take his eyes off me, there was so much chemistry between us and we couldn’t hide our smile every time we talk. Unfortunately, this didn’t go anywhere because we didn’t have a chance to make a move. Since then I kept thinking of him although I didn’t see him for over a year because of Covid. I recently found out that he is leaving the school and I feel devastated. I don’t know if he is with someone now, and I don’t know if he is moving to another city but the idea that I’m no going to see him ever again is making me really sad.

Is it ok to send him a message on Facebook? I’m not planning to send him a friend request, and I know it will look really weird and unprofessional, but all I want is to have one private conversation with him, and hopefully stay in contact somehow. Please advise!

OP posts:
Thewinterofdiscontent · 17/07/2021 08:44

The problem is investing emotional energy in a non relationship. Clearly you fancy him and have done for a long time but it’s based on bugger all.

You need to focus on relationships in the here and now. Best way to attract other people is to work on yourself. Go out more study something, find a new hobby all that stuff people usually suggest.

Also if he actually fancied you he would find a way to get in touch.Even he he thought you weren’t keen. Because lots of men who you say “ no thanks ” to will give a few more efforts just to be sure..
We want people to really fancy us not go out with us because they’re bored or too polite to say no or just want a night out and a shag.

Youdiditanyway · 17/07/2021 08:46

I’d honestly just do it. He’s leaving the school soon anyway so if he doesn’t respond or it’s an awkward sort of haha thanks type response then it won’t matter, you’ll likely never see him again. I wouldn’t make the message weird, I’d just say something like ‘hello, I’ve heard you’re leaving ‘insert school name’, how sad! You’re a fantastic teacher, I wish you well on your next venture 😊’ and leave it there.

I don’t know what you’re expecting from it ultimately. Your DC might be weirded out by you dating their old teacher.

childrenoftherevolution · 17/07/2021 08:46

I don't see why it's creepy to express an interest in someone, or even to ask someone out once. It's only creepy if you don't take no for an answer.

SmallPrawnEnergy · 17/07/2021 08:49

I understand that a message on fab feels like a step too far, but it seems like it’s the only way to have a private conversation with him, a farewell card won’t give that.

Bit difficult to say since you've forgotten to tell us what sort of message
A farewell message, and how of a great teacher he was, that’s all.

So… why can’t that be put into a farewell card exactly? I think you’re downplaying this message you want to send tbh Wink

However, I don’t think there is anything inherently creepy about sending a polite and casual “farewell” message, as long as you’re appropriate in your conversation, however I think the opportunity for this to stretch out far longer than it needs to be will present itself (meandering conversation of you trying to sus out his situation etc). I’d maybe just give him a card with the guff about the good teacher in and include a small line about how you once thought there was a mutual attraction but didn’t act due to professional boundaries and include your telephone number. Leave the ball in his court at least that way you’ll know if he feels the same sooner.

Novelusername · 17/07/2021 08:50

I think it's fine to express an interest now he's no longer your teacher, just keep it bright and breezy. However, it sounds like you've built this up in your head, you don't know this man at all, whether he's interested or just being polite, if he already has a partner etc. I read somewhere that men overestimate the interest a woman has in them whereas women underestimate a man's interest, so that might explain all the messages from dads to female teachers whose claims that there was a 'spark' were unfounded. It might also be a good sign that this teacher is interested in OP. However, a male teacher might enjoy interacting with any number of attractive mums, it doesn't mean he'd want it to go any further with any of them, it's probably just a perk of the job.

OhDear2200 · 17/07/2021 08:52

“A perk of the job”

Jesus.

TheFormidableMrsC · 17/07/2021 08:53

@ObviousNameChage

Send him a FB friend request first. He'll either accept or ignore it and that's the first hurdle. If he ignores it, he's obviously not interested in any form of contact with you , so then you know.

If he accepts , a bright and easy message wishing him good luck opens the door for communication without being too forward or overwhelming.

I agree with this! I'd go for it! I had a similar thing happen to me but under different (not school related) circumstances. He messaged me on FB. I did see it in filtered messages and it worked out well. I'd definitely do the friend request first and if he doesn't respond then that will be your answer 🤷🏻‍♀️
Rudeppl · 17/07/2021 08:54

Life is just too short... do it

Besswess88 · 17/07/2021 08:54

You have absolutely no evidence that the feeling was mutual and you are risking looking like a needy/stalkerish.

This could have all been in your head?!

Novelusername · 17/07/2021 08:54

@OhDear2200

“A perk of the job”

Jesus.

What's the problem? Some people clearly have nothing better to do than pick over other people's words and find something to be offended by, but whatever makes you happy, go ahead...
Uramaki · 17/07/2021 08:55

a perk of the job.
Oh dear god

Uramaki · 17/07/2021 08:56

@OhDear2200

“A perk of the job”

Jesus.

Cross posted sorry
Itsbeen84yearss · 17/07/2021 08:57

Well I wouldn’t because I think it looks a bit desperate but you do you

Novelusername · 17/07/2021 08:57

No idea what the fuss is about. I'm not saying it's a perk of the job, I'm saying he might see it as that.

Uramaki · 17/07/2021 08:57

Can you not just leave him alone OP? It's been two years you've just assumed he is interested with no thought that he might not be. Your advances might be very unwelcome. If you want to write a note in a card saying thank you that's fine.

SmallPrawnEnergy · 17/07/2021 08:59

Are the teachers who have posted about being in that exact situation or the people who work with teachers being silly?
There was also a school worker indicating the teacher could simply take her number from school records so perhaps a few anecdotal accounts aren’t the authority here.

OhDear2200 · 17/07/2021 09:01

@Novelusername don’t you find it uncomfortable and unprofessional to think that if a male teacher is teaching your child that they get off from talking to ‘good looking’ mums?

My ‘Jesus’ refers to how you seem to accept that is this ok, normal and acceptable. This is a depressing demonstration of how women are socialised to accept this type of behaviour as acceptable.

I also think it would be massively insulting to the majority of male teachers!

Novelusername · 17/07/2021 09:01

Ah, OK, I can see how I phrased it you might think it was me saying it's a 'perk of the job', but rather I meant he might just see it as that. The OP doesn't know his personality at all, he might just be friendly, he might give the twinkly eyes to all the attractive mums that come in and be having a laugh with it.

ElderMillennial · 17/07/2021 09:02

If yours right about how you both feel then it's not inappropriate. If you're wrong than it is. You can message him if you are willing to take the risk that you are wrong.

Dasher789 · 17/07/2021 09:03

Go for it. Its only fb and he doesn't need to reply. If he is leaving anyway you have nothing to lose.

LH1987 · 17/07/2021 09:03

I’m confused, how much over the course of a year do you actually meet your child’s teacher ? You seem to have had private meetings and moments as well.

The attraction might be in your head, it might not. I say send a message, if he’s leaving the school then you are unlikely to come see him again so it can’t hurt or cause an embarrassing situation. He is responsible for his professional boundaries, not you.

Funk2funky · 17/07/2021 09:04

Why don’t you send a friend request. If he doesn’t accept it you have your answer. I don’t think that’s too intimidating, I get friend requests from people I’ve met once ! If he likes you surely he can send you a message then

Marmitemarinaded · 17/07/2021 09:04

a couple of years ago

What has this precipitated this sudden desire to control to him?

And realistically, how often did you actually see him? Anything like when my child was at state primary - once in a blue moon

LemonFantaGin · 17/07/2021 09:04

Lifes too short, send the message, if anything flourishes from it, perfect, if it doesn't, you tried and life goes on.

Marmitemarinaded · 17/07/2021 09:04

Contact not control