Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I message my child’s ex teacher on Facebook?

251 replies

Haava123 · 17/07/2021 00:37

I’m a single mum, a couple of years a go I had a major crush on my son’s teacher, it was also very clear that he was feeling the same, he couldn’t take his eyes off me, there was so much chemistry between us and we couldn’t hide our smile every time we talk. Unfortunately, this didn’t go anywhere because we didn’t have a chance to make a move. Since then I kept thinking of him although I didn’t see him for over a year because of Covid. I recently found out that he is leaving the school and I feel devastated. I don’t know if he is with someone now, and I don’t know if he is moving to another city but the idea that I’m no going to see him ever again is making me really sad.

Is it ok to send him a message on Facebook? I’m not planning to send him a friend request, and I know it will look really weird and unprofessional, but all I want is to have one private conversation with him, and hopefully stay in contact somehow. Please advise!

OP posts:
Novelusername · 17/07/2021 09:04

As a lifelong feminist, no I wouldn't find it acceptable at all and nor have I expressed that anywhere, you're extrapolating far too much from a poorly worded Saturday morning post. I detest laddish behaviour. ALL I'm saying is the OP doesn't know this person at all, he could be a creep for all she knows.

Uramaki · 17/07/2021 09:05

@OhDear2200 I agree. This man is a professional.

Marmitemarinaded · 17/07/2021 09:06

@Novelusername

As a lifelong feminist, no I wouldn't find it acceptable at all and nor have I expressed that anywhere, you're extrapolating far too much from a poorly worded Saturday morning post. I detest laddish behaviour. ALL I'm saying is the OP doesn't know this person at all, he could be a creep for all she knows.
As a lifelong Lifelong feminist

For some reason this make me chuckle

H328 · 17/07/2021 09:06

Replace teacher with shopkeeper if it helps you see how creepy it is. Imagine working in a shop, and having to be polite to all your customers. And one of them keeps smiling and talking to you and you are like fine, this is plesant conversation, but you don't flirt you just remain polite. Then one day you get a Facebook message from them. That is a bit creepy stalkery to me. And they know where you work

I used to get asked out a lot when I worked in a shop and I did end up giving my number to one of them. It was our 14th wedding anniversary this week Wink

Talk2thehand · 17/07/2021 09:08

100% message him!!! I don't know why everyone is so scared to make a move or think it's 'inappropriate' to tell someone you fancy them.

I 'chased' the guy of my dreams online and guess what, he was flattered and we're still together 7 years later and trying for a baby. When we were on one of our first dates we started chatting to a couple in the pub and SHE had pursued him on Instagram and he was really proud of it too.

The worst that can happen is that he says no... But the best thing would be he says yes. Either way you don't need to be embarrassed and you won't be left with regret that you never contacted him.

Send a friend request with a message so he definitely sees it and let us know how you get on 🍿

Uramaki · 17/07/2021 09:08

You gave your number to them. And they got lucky in that you were interested.

Besswess88 · 17/07/2021 09:08

I would replace Teacher with Social Worker/Police Officer/Professional Career with governing body.

Would it still be ok?

ObviousNameChage · 17/07/2021 09:09

@Marmitemarinaded

*a couple of years ago*

What has this precipitated this sudden desire to control to him?

And realistically, how often did you actually see him? Anything like when my child was at state primary - once in a blue moon

Because he's leaving. It's right in the OP. It's a last chance thing plus he won't be involved in her child's education even tangentially.
Marmitemarinaded · 17/07/2021 09:10

@Talk2thehand

100% message him!!! I don't know why everyone is so scared to make a move or think it's 'inappropriate' to tell someone you fancy them.

I 'chased' the guy of my dreams online and guess what, he was flattered and we're still together 7 years later and trying for a baby. When we were on one of our first dates we started chatting to a couple in the pub and SHE had pursued him on Instagram and he was really proud of it too.

The worst that can happen is that he says no... But the best thing would be he says yes. Either way you don't need to be embarrassed and you won't be left with regret that you never contacted him.

Send a friend request with a message so he definitely sees it and let us know how you get on 🍿

When you say you “chased your partner online” What did that actually entail out of interest?
PurpleRainDancer · 17/07/2021 09:10

@Besswess88

You have absolutely no evidence that the feeling was mutual and you are risking looking like a needy/stalkerish.

This could have all been in your head?!

Give over Hmm
H328 · 17/07/2021 09:11

Yeah but if it had been a FB message id either ignore it or just reply 'thanks!' or something.

As long as the FB message isn't a declaration of undying love, or in any way creepy, a normal friendly 'good luck' type of message is totally fine to open communications if he is interested. If he's not, she'll get the brush off.

ObviousNameChage · 17/07/2021 09:11

@Besswess88

I would replace Teacher with Social Worker/Police Officer/Professional Career with governing body.

Would it still be ok?

It's something that does happen. As long as not directly involved professionally and there's no power Imbalance or risk then yes, of course it's ok.
Novelusername · 17/07/2021 09:13

Marmitemarinaded It's Saturday morning, I've been working hard all week and I'm tired. I'm clearly not expressing myself well enough for the standards of some people on this thread. Oh well, I know what I meant, but by all means tell me what a terrible person I am for some clumsy phrasing if that's what you get off on.

Junipersky · 17/07/2021 09:16

I think sometimes we build up pictures of someone in our head and turn them into the perfect person that we want them to be.

It's so easy to develop fantasies about someone and in those thoughts they are everything we want them to be.

The reality is that they are not really that person at all. The person we fantasise about doesn't exist. We have created them in our own heads.

With all due respect you can't know this man as a person from the brief encounters at school.

IsobelEd · 17/07/2021 09:18

@Arrrghh

Tbh I’d just send him a friend request. If you message as a stranger it will go to his alternative inbox and he may never see it. If he accepts your request, brill, send him a message. If he doesn’t accept, there’s your answer. He’s moving to a different school- it’s not unprofessional.
This is the best solution. Send the friend request and follow it up with a short good luck message.

*If he wants to stay in touch he will accept the friend request (and you'll have the chance to find out a bit more about him).
*If he doesn't, then he can just read the message and not accept the friend request.

If you're feeling brave you could add something more personal into the message eg. "Farewell Mr Teacher - I have heard you are leaving our school and just wanted to thank you for all your help and encouragement for DS when he was in your class two years ago. He had a brilliant year, probably his happiest in the school.
I always had a strong sense that you shared my values and aspirations in life and so this message also stems from a personal desire to wish you the very best for your new role. Where are you heading?"

Good to end on a question I think - makes it easy for him to reply.

Marmitemarinaded · 17/07/2021 09:19

@Novelusername

Marmitemarinaded It's Saturday morning, I've been working hard all week and I'm tired. I'm clearly not expressing myself well enough for the standards of some people on this thread. Oh well, I know what I meant, but by all means tell me what a terrible person I am for some clumsy phrasing if that's what you get off on.
I asked what online chasing entailed

You sound like your on the edge!

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 17/07/2021 09:20

Go for it! Nothing to lose.....

Marmitemarinaded · 17/07/2021 09:20

I literally made no comment about you whatsoever.

I asked one question. What does “online chasing” involve

Enjoy the ☀️!!

Potpourri23 · 17/07/2021 09:21

@sammylady37

Meh. It doesn't really matter if he's repulsed at the very thought of recieving a "creepy" fb friend request, you're not going to see him again so you've got nothing to lose

What a horrible way to look at it. There’s more than the OP in this scenario, there’s the (probably unsuspecting) teacher who shouldn’t have to be made uncomfortable by people he’s had to deal with in the course of his work. Plenty of teachers have posted on the thread to tell us their experiences of parents like the op, not one has been keen for this type of contact, it is unwelcome and unwanted. But hey, as long as the op feels ok about it, that’s fine eh, doesn’t matter if the teacher feels awkward, uncomfortable, violated and gets a little bit more jaded because of it.

Well he'll feel uncomfortable for the 2 seconds it takes for him to delete the friend request... The "not seeing each other again so it doesn't matter" thing works both ways 😆
Talk2thehand · 17/07/2021 09:24

@Marmitemarinaded

We matched on Tinder but messages fizzled out pretty quick as they do. I was initially embarrassed thinking you shouldn't show you're too keen and all that crap that society leads you to believe. Then I thought F that and told him straight up that I thought he was gorgeous and I wanted to meet him... The date went really well and here we are!

Twoforthree · 17/07/2021 09:25

If you send him a friends invite then he’s free to ignore or to pursue.

I’d do it. You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Marmitemarinaded · 17/07/2021 09:26

[quote Talk2thehand]@Marmitemarinaded

We matched on Tinder but messages fizzled out pretty quick as they do. I was initially embarrassed thinking you shouldn't show you're too keen and all that crap that society leads you to believe. Then I thought F that and told him straight up that I thought he was gorgeous and I wanted to meet him... The date went really well and here we are![/quote]
Smile

Wasn’t so hard now was it?!

Marmitemarinaded · 17/07/2021 09:26

Oh are you @Novelusername? I’m confused !

Wallpapering · 17/07/2021 09:30

Fucking hell

I’m picturing rabbit and sauce pan

Boundaries anyone?

Thank fuck for the teachers that have posted here, I feel reassured as parent also that you not making sexy eyes at parents in playground I knew that anyway as it’s very funny watching teachers not eye roll when fucking Tarquin parent needs chat again

worktrip · 17/07/2021 09:40

Messaging on messenger is no big deal, so just wish him the best and say you are sorry he won't be in your sons school any longer, and see where it goes. He couldn't have made a move on you with him being a teacher in your sons school anyway