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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I message my child’s ex teacher on Facebook?

251 replies

Haava123 · 17/07/2021 00:37

I’m a single mum, a couple of years a go I had a major crush on my son’s teacher, it was also very clear that he was feeling the same, he couldn’t take his eyes off me, there was so much chemistry between us and we couldn’t hide our smile every time we talk. Unfortunately, this didn’t go anywhere because we didn’t have a chance to make a move. Since then I kept thinking of him although I didn’t see him for over a year because of Covid. I recently found out that he is leaving the school and I feel devastated. I don’t know if he is with someone now, and I don’t know if he is moving to another city but the idea that I’m no going to see him ever again is making me really sad.

Is it ok to send him a message on Facebook? I’m not planning to send him a friend request, and I know it will look really weird and unprofessional, but all I want is to have one private conversation with him, and hopefully stay in contact somehow. Please advise!

OP posts:
MaMaD1990 · 17/07/2021 07:32

@MaMaD1990

Agree with this. A shopkeeper can't be compared to OPs childs teacher. You'd generate more of a relationship (professional or not) because you'd have the child in common. Also, he's leaving his job so OP wouldn't know where he works if she indeed was a 'creepy stalker'. Hmm
@HocusPocuss - this was in response to your quote. MN android fail!
Uramaki · 17/07/2021 07:33

@MaMaD1990

Agree with this. A shopkeeper can't be compared to OPs childs teacher. You'd generate more of a relationship (professional or not) because you'd have the child in common. Also, he's leaving his job so OP wouldn't know where he works if she indeed was a 'creepy stalker'. Hmm
Through no choice of his though. He has to teach that child and interact with it's parents. There is an imbalance there that needs to be acknowledged.
33feethighandrising · 17/07/2021 07:34

I think there's no harm in sending a good luck message. If he wants to stay in contact he will.

Be aware that he likely won't see it on Facebook unless you send a friend request. Messages from people you don't know are pretty hidden by Facebook and most people miss them.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 17/07/2021 07:37

Have you found him on fb op? Most teachers have the security pretty nailed down, fake names and so on.

GoWalkabout · 17/07/2021 07:37

Friend request, gives you a clear idea of whether he would like to be in touch and him an easy way to signal if he finds it inappropriate. People don't always get Facebook messages from non friends. Laughing at the idea he would take your data from school and call you Shock much better for you to make the first move.

MaMaD1990 · 17/07/2021 07:37

Well someone needs to make a move otherwise we'd all be single. At the end of the day, all we have to go by is OP's description and her POV. If she is convinced he feels the same, a simple 'good luck and sad you're leaving' message isn't really creepy or stalker-esque. It's a kind message with nothing inappropriate and leaves it up to him to make a move if he wishes to. If a gushing message of love was sent, that would be different.

NautaOcts · 17/07/2021 07:38

I think a good luck message is fine, but would be better through official channels eg a physical card via school (it will get to him if you drop it into the office or through the letter box, assuming term isn’t over yet) or an email to his school email address.

LongTimeMammaBear · 17/07/2021 07:38

Surely there were at least two conversations, one to one, for parent teacher conference / parents evening. If he were interested, he could have asked you for coffee or a drink.

Uramaki · 17/07/2021 07:41

I'd be creeped out if people I'd been forced to interact with due to my job then searched for me on facebook to message me. But he might not I guess.

comebacksunshines · 17/07/2021 07:43

@Terhou

I really wouldn't get your hopes up. He must have had plenty of opportunity to note down your phone number and make contact if he was interested.
How unprofessional and creepy would it be for a teacher, or anyone you are dealing with on a professional basis, to take your personal details and contact you, or even ask you out when they are working. I’m pretty sure anyone doing it would face disciplinary action, or worse if someone complained about it, it would be a huge risk to his career. If he’s leaving anyway I would just send him a card wishing him well and include your number. He won’t have to see you again anyway, so it shouldn’t be too uncomfortable for him, if the feelings aren’t reciprocated.
Confusedandshaken · 17/07/2021 07:44

I seem to remember you posting about this before. If not you, there is another MNetter out there in a similar position.

I'm going to say it can't hurt to ask. A message like @SherryPalmer suggests sounds fine to me. He might read it and roll his eyes and chuck it in the bin, he might have a laugh with his boyfriend or girlfriend about or he might be delighted and message you the next day. There is only one way to

motherrunner · 17/07/2021 07:44

Those of us who are teachers aren’t putting a dampener on the OP’s plans, we’re just warning how easily our friendliness can be misconstrued. B nature we are excellent communicators and when conversing take an active role and interest who we’re speaking to. It doesn’t mean we are physically attracted to them. Personally I would feel very uncomfortable having a message from a pupil’s parent asking me out on a date - current pupil or otherwise.

Icecreamsoda99 · 17/07/2021 07:46

To be honest I'd just send him a friend request, if he has been pining over you all this time he will accept and then you can send him an innocent message asking about where he is going etc. and start a conversation from there. It will give you much more of an indication if he is interested or not if he accepts the request and you know he will get a notification of a message and you will be able to see if he read it.

All this sending friendly good luck cards isn't a clear enough message. As for posters saying he could have made a move, yes he could have, but he may have considered in very inappropriate and also not been clear on the OPs feelings, imagine if he hit on her and the feelings weren't mutual, he'd be risking his reputation!

Also if he doesn't accept the request then you haven't embarrassed yourself, a card basically saying "call me" would be much more creepy/humiliating in my opinion if he doesn't feel the same way.

However, I would caution that you don't really know him and may have built him up massively in your head, he might turn out to be a massive disappointment. Wink

Uramaki · 17/07/2021 07:47

motherrunner I'm not a teacher and I can see how it could make him uncomfortable.

Greenwateringcan · 17/07/2021 07:47

It must be awful to be a young teacher in a school who is friendly and chatty and communicative.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 17/07/2021 07:52

'B nature we are excellent communicators'

I wouldn't go that far 😂

Potpourri23 · 17/07/2021 07:53

Meh. It doesn't really matter if he's repulsed at the very thought of recieving a "creepy" fb friend request, you're not going to see him again so you've got nothing to lose!

I do agree that it must be a nightmare being a friendly teacher as it will so often be misconstued but equally if you do fancy a patent there's no way to make a move that isn't horribly unprofessional.

Send the request, then if he accepts it a friendly follow up message (NOT declaring your undying love) would be good!

ilovesooty · 17/07/2021 07:56

@Cloudninenine

And ignore the sourpuss PPs implying you’ve misunderstood and he was just being polite. Maybe that’s true, maybe it’s not - you won’t know unless you see where a message takes you. Mumsnet is notorious for posters wanting to put women firmly back in their place for being uppity enough to think someone might be interested in them. Says everything about them and nothing about you!
What an unwarranted post. If someone has simply said, as I did, that they see nothing other than professionalism in his behaviour they don't deserve abuse being dished out by you.
Bogofftosomewherehot · 17/07/2021 08:02

@BluebellsGreenbells

Come on, you’re an adult! Sent a friendly message wishing him well and say how much he’ll be missed at school.

See if he replies.

This. I would get your child to leave a card at reception for him - messaging on FB shows that you've been looking for him online. By giving a card it's friendly, respectful, chirpy and doesn't look like you've been looking for him on SM.
sammylady37 · 17/07/2021 08:04

I would hate it if someone I had only ever interacted with professionally sought me out on social media and contacted me. I’d find it very intrusive and violating and there’s no way I’d interact with them, as if judge them to have no sense of boundaries.

Whyo · 17/07/2021 08:05

If he wanted to he would have.

Friday999 · 17/07/2021 08:06

I prefer the idea of a friendly ‘good luck’ card delivered to school, containing your phone number, more reliable than a FB message?

Uramaki · 17/07/2021 08:06

Meh. It doesn't really matter if he's repulsed at the very thought of recieving a "creepy" fb friend request, you're not going to see him again so you've got nothing to lose!

So it's ok to potentially make someone feel uncomfortable as long as you aren't going to see them again?!

PrincessMyshkin · 17/07/2021 08:06

Yes, there's a good chance there may be some wishful thinking at play but I don't think a friendly, breezy FB request and good luck message is creepy or stalkerish. He's an adult, if he's keen, he can pick up the thread, if not, he shuts it down or ignores and the OP can take it on the chin.

I'm not discounting teachers' weariness about having their kindness mistaken for interest and the messages a PP describes about dads presuming a mutual attraction are creepy, but this polite testing of the waters would be different as he can just take it at face value if he wishes. As long as OP drops it if there is no response.

Also, he really could not have tried it on with the OP or taken her number from records. I imagine this could easily be a disciplinary issue.

OP have you actually been able to find him though? All the teachers I know use fake names on FB. And don't put your number in a card. This could potentially be embarrassing for your son. 'Feel free to stay in touch, here's an email address' as a last resort would be much better.

sammylady37 · 17/07/2021 08:08

Meh. It doesn't really matter if he's repulsed at the very thought of recieving a "creepy" fb friend request, you're not going to see him again so you've got nothing to lose

What a horrible way to look at it. There’s more than the OP in this scenario, there’s the (probably unsuspecting) teacher who shouldn’t have to be made uncomfortable by people he’s had to deal with in the course of his work. Plenty of teachers have posted on the thread to tell us their experiences of parents like the op, not one has been keen for this type of contact, it is unwelcome and unwanted. But hey, as long as the op feels ok about it, that’s fine eh, doesn’t matter if the teacher feels awkward, uncomfortable, violated and gets a little bit more jaded because of it.