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Original poster

Can I message my child’s ex teacher on Facebook?

251 replies

Haava123 · 17/07/2021 00:37

I’m a single mum, a couple of years a go I had a major crush on my son’s teacher, it was also very clear that he was feeling the same, he couldn’t take his eyes off me, there was so much chemistry between us and we couldn’t hide our smile every time we talk. Unfortunately, this didn’t go anywhere because we didn’t have a chance to make a move. Since then I kept thinking of him although I didn’t see him for over a year because of Covid. I recently found out that he is leaving the school and I feel devastated. I don’t know if he is with someone now, and I don’t know if he is moving to another city but the idea that I’m no going to see him ever again is making me really sad.

Is it ok to send him a message on Facebook? I’m not planning to send him a friend request, and I know it will look really weird and unprofessional, but all I want is to have one private conversation with him, and hopefully stay in contact somehow. Please advise!

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 17/07/2021 06:43

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Ok I'm gonna go against the grain here.

Maybe people will see it differently because I'm a woman, but I'm a teacher and I've had a few of my pupil's dads message me on social media to ask me out over the years - all said similar l, that they felt there was a connection, a spark, flirting at parents evening etc.

There never was - I look them in the eye and smile and keep it light because I want my interaction with them to be a positive one. I mean maybe yours was a spark OP, I'm just speaking from experience. And it was so incredibly awkward and annoying when they messaged me, I had to tell the Head just in case things went awry and it made me very uncomfortable. Luckily my school has a no-dating parents policy so I had that as an excuse but still it wasn't ideal to have to lie, i would much rather have said it's inappropriate but you can't be too careful with parents

I tend to have this same issue with people getting the wrong idea and I think its because I'm good at contact, very smiley and give people my attention. I am very positive and so people can think too much of it.
Wallpapering · 17/07/2021 06:43

@Solidaritea. It would be just as creepy.

My nieces partner is a teacher in his early 20’s his mannerisms is friendly smiling chatty, he has had students - females try add him on fb send mesgs they also stalked my nieces social media she had to lock it down.

They have two kids & getting married next year.

The op said teacher is leaving school, so send a goodbye card to school.

If teacher was flirting whilst on school grounds at her child it totally inappropriate and is red flag just like her seeking him out on fb

overtherainbo · 17/07/2021 06:44

Do it.

If he ignores you or ends the conversation politely then you know it was one sided. You will then have peace of mind.

If he continues the conversation it might go somewhere. You could become friends or even something more.

What have you got to lose?

nancywhitehead · 17/07/2021 06:45

How certain are you of the chemistry?

If you're really sure that he is attracted to you, what's stopping you?

Could he have just been being nice in a way he would to everyone around the school?

I think this is the key because if you're not sure, then it's probably the latter.

If you are sure then I don't know why you haven't already acted on this - What are you hanging around mumsnet for? Go and get him ffs!

Wallpapering · 17/07/2021 06:45

At her child’s *school

Newmumatlast · 17/07/2021 06:45

@fourminutestosavetheworld

I work in a school with a number of young male teachers.

They have been approached by many, many mums over the years, and it has never ever been reciprocated.

Invariably, they are mortified that their friendly, kind gestures have been misconstrued or that concern has been misunderstood as anything other than professional.

OP, I really think that this crush is one-sided. If he wanted to approach you, especially after your child left his class, then he could have done so. No man wastes years on longing glances and secret smiles - he does something about it or moves on.

If, for the sake of completeness and peace of mind, you need this conclusively proven, or I guess on the slim chance that he felt the same and is willing to act now that he is moving on, send a good luck card as a prompt. No need to include your number as he has this on school records. If he's as interested as you say, he'll be making a note of it.

Agree with all of this save for that he will be making a note of her number if he wants or could contact her using information from the school system. That would be wholly inappropriate even if he leaves the school and could get him in trouble so I doubt he or anyone sensible would risk it. He could've reached out by now in other ways though. I think he is maybe just very friendly
toastantea · 17/07/2021 06:47

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Ok I'm gonna go against the grain here.

Maybe people will see it differently because I'm a woman, but I'm a teacher and I've had a few of my pupil's dads message me on social media to ask me out over the years - all said similar l, that they felt there was a connection, a spark, flirting at parents evening etc.

There never was - I look them in the eye and smile and keep it light because I want my interaction with them to be a positive one. I mean maybe yours was a spark OP, I'm just speaking from experience. And it was so incredibly awkward and annoying when they messaged me, I had to tell the Head just in case things went awry and it made me very uncomfortable. Luckily my school has a no-dating parents policy so I had that as an excuse but still it wasn't ideal to have to lie, i would much rather have said it's inappropriate but you can't be too careful with parents

This.

It sounds like you have built this romanticism in your head and the other party knows nothing about it. Leave well alone.

Newmumatlast · 17/07/2021 06:49

@Tanfastic

Op, can you tell us more about the situations you found yourself in with him and what he said to make you think there was a connection? I mean what stood out for you that he didn't do or say with other mums?
Yes, I dont think there's enough in OPs messages so far to suggest an obvious interest beyond being friendly
Honeybeebloom · 17/07/2021 06:56

Another teacher agreeing with the previous teachers. It's very possible that you've mis-read the interactions as there is nothing you have said that would make me think he definitely reciprocates your feelings. You really don't know him and while you may have had an attraction, to still have it playing on your mind 2 years later based on some smiles and short interactions with other parents around highlights to me that you may be reading into things too much.

I'm in 2 minds however as to whether uou should message him. On one hand I think it if it would help you move on then just send a friendly good luck message, if he says little in reply or makes no attempt to keep a conversation going you know he's not intrested. However on the other hand, as a teacher I would feel really uncomfortable to receive a Facebook message or request from a parent, in any capacity, so part of me thinks you should really just leave him alone and move on and try to meet people in other capacities where it is more appropriate and you are actually able to get to know one another.

Greenwateringcan · 17/07/2021 06:57

I’m sorry but I’d find this a bit creepy (going from a female perspective). Do you even know if he’s single?

Honeybeebloom · 17/07/2021 06:57

Spotted a couple of typos in my post, don't want anyone thinking I'm a teacher who can't spell 'interested'! Grin

Nyancat · 17/07/2021 07:00

Go for if, life's too short and all that, he's leaving so not unprofessional and no risk of embarrassment because if he's not interested you won't have to see him anyway

Uramaki · 17/07/2021 07:07

What makes you think he is interested? He might just be smiling as you know, he's being polite, or enjoying the conversation but that doesn't mean he fancies you. Must be a nightmare being a teacher and having people think you fancy them just becuase you smile and enjoy the conversation!

Cloudninenine · 17/07/2021 07:08

Go for it. He’s not your son’s teacher any more so there are no concerns it will make things difficult for your kid. The worst that can happen is he’s not interested - has to be worth it!

I’d start with a friendly message saying you heard he was moving on and he’ll be a real loss to the school, best of luck with the move etc. If he’s interested it’s an opening for further conversation, if he’s not then you’ve just sent a pleasant and friendly message to someone you know.

Nothing ventured nothing gained and all that - you might as well try!

Uramaki · 17/07/2021 07:08

If someone hit on me like this I'd be feeling very creeped out.

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 17/07/2021 07:09

Yes if you know his Facebook just send a friendly brief message saying heard you’re leaving, thanks for being a good teacher, good luck. Gives him the option to contact you back then. If not then nothing to lose. You won’t be wondering for the rest of your life at least.

Cloudninenine · 17/07/2021 07:10

And ignore the sourpuss PPs implying you’ve misunderstood and he was just being polite. Maybe that’s true, maybe it’s not - you won’t know unless you see where a message takes you. Mumsnet is notorious for posters wanting to put women firmly back in their place for being uppity enough to think someone might be interested in them. Says everything about them and nothing about you!

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 17/07/2021 07:11

'I work in a school with a number of young male teachers.

They have been approached by many, many mums over the years, and it has never ever been reciprocated.

Invariably, they are mortified that their friendly, kind gestures have been misconstrued or that concern has been misunderstood as anything other than professional.

OP, I really think that this crush is one-sided. If he wanted to approach you, especially after your child left his class, then he could have done so. No man wastes years on longing glances and secret smiles - he does something about it or moves on.'

So much this.

TwilightSkies · 17/07/2021 07:13

a couple of years a go I had a major crush on my son’s teacher

The fact that you haven’t moved on from this is a bit strange to me. You don’t know this man, you don’t know what he’s really like. Are you romanticising this situation?

Otherwise are you happy in your life? Is it fulfilling?

Uramaki · 17/07/2021 07:19

Replace teacher with shopkeeper if it helps you see how creepy it is. Imagine working in a shop, and having to be polite to all your customers. And one of them keeps smiling and talking to you and you are like fine, this is plesant conversation, but you don't flirt you just remain polite. Then one day you get a Facebook message from them. That is a bit creepy stalkery to me. And they know where you work.

upsideoxide · 17/07/2021 07:27

I wouldn't bother with FB messenger. It's useless if you're not friends with the person

Pippa12 · 17/07/2021 07:28

I would wait till he leaves, send the message and see if he replies. Perhaps it is one sided and he’ll be totally mortified… perhaps he’ll be pleased and message back?!

Who knows, but previous posters can’t possibly know what he’s thinking!

HocusPocuss · 17/07/2021 07:29

@Uramaki

Replace teacher with shopkeeper if it helps you see how creepy it is. Imagine working in a shop, and having to be polite to all your customers. And one of them keeps smiling and talking to you and you are like fine, this is plesant conversation, but you don't flirt you just remain polite. Then one day you get a Facebook message from them. That is a bit creepy stalkery to me. And they know where you work.
Oh give over!

Op, send him a friend request first and see if he accepts. If he does, send him a breezy message and take it from there. If he doesn’t accept your friend request, you’ll know he isn’t interested. I wouldn’t come on too strong because there’s a chance that this is one-sided. There’s nothing wrong with seeing if it’s not.

Terhou · 17/07/2021 07:30

I really wouldn't get your hopes up. He must have had plenty of opportunity to note down your phone number and make contact if he was interested.

MaMaD1990 · 17/07/2021 07:32

Agree with this. A shopkeeper can't be compared to OPs childs teacher. You'd generate more of a relationship (professional or not) because you'd have the child in common. Also, he's leaving his job so OP wouldn't know where he works if she indeed was a 'creepy stalker'. Hmm

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